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15 Relationship Lessons That Ted Mosby Taught Us

15 Relationship Lessons That Ted Mosby Taught Us

Oh, Ted Mosby. From stolen blue French horns to bad shellfish puns, you have taught us so much. How I Met Your Mother may have ended this year (sad face), but the good ol’ Ted’s lessons will always stick with me.

After all, Ted took years to find “The One,” and often made some humorous mistakes along the way. But he never let his belief in love fade, and he finally found the one who loved him for the punny, slightly stuck-up, lovable grammar nazi he is.

Here’s what Schmosby taught us about love.

1. Don’t judge your loved ones based on their past.

Because this was college Ted:

Ted1

    2. After all, no matter where we are in life, everyone has one of those moments sometimes…

    …you know, the “two F” moments.

    Ted2

      3. And sometimes, those moments can make us lose sight of who we are for a second.

      Or just make us into a flaky, somewhat frightening creature, like the authoritative-cool-guy professor.

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      Ted3

        4. But we all make mistakes.

        Because sometimes, they’re necessary.

        Ted4

          5. And after those mistakes, we might doubt our ability to find love.

          And we may or may not react like this:

          Ted5

            6. What we don’t realize at the time is that those moments can often lead us to the best things in life.

            If Ted hadn’t hit a major breaking point, Marshall never would have told Ted that he doesn’t really have a bacon allergy, and then he never would have tried bacon.

            Ted6

              Enough said.

              7. And sometimes, what we think is an unbearable moment in our life can actually become something we are grateful for in the future.

              Originally, Ted would not walk 500 miles…

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              Ted7

                But then…

                Ted7 2

                  8. But seriously, a lot of Ted’s mistakes have taught us a lot…like when you should say “I love you.”

                  For example, saying it on the night after you meet someone…

                  Ted8

                    …may lead to this reaction:

                    Ted8 2

                      9. But he also taught us to love deeply and without fear.

                      Ted9

                        10. Because it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

                        Ted10

                          11. But never let that love turn you into a doormat.

                          If someone totally screws you over, tell them off, Ted-style:

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                          Ted11

                            Burn.

                            12. Because after all, you’ve got a lot to offer, and you shouldn’t be afraid to say it.

                            When someone says, “Everyone thinks they’re a good kisser,” you say:

                            Ted12

                              13. You deserve someone who appreciates you for who you are.

                              A perfect person doesn’t exist. A perfect person for you…that’s a different story.

                              Ted13

                                (And Ted has plenty of quirks.)

                                Ted14

                                  14. And that person will understand you through and through.

                                  That person will know to read between the lines.

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                                  Ted15

                                    …in fact, they may read between the lines too much.

                                    Ted16

                                      15. Hold out until you find your lobster.

                                      And when you do find your Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz, celebrate.**

                                      Ted17

                                        **I am probably the only supporter of the original HIMYM ending, but for those of you who aren’t, you’re welcome. ;)

                                        Featured photo credit: m__ervi via flickr.com

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                                        Last Updated on October 22, 2020

                                        8 Simple Ways to Be a Better Listener

                                        8 Simple Ways to Be a Better Listener

                                        How would you feel if you were sharing a personal story and noticed that the person to whom you were speaking wasn’t really listening? You probably wouldn’t be too thrilled.

                                        Unfortunately, that is the case for many people. Most individuals are not good listeners. They are good pretenders. The thing is, true listening requires work—more work than people are willing to invest. Quality conversation is about “give and take.” Most people, however, want to just give—their words, that is. Being on the receiving end as the listener may seem boring, but it’s essential.

                                        When you are attending to someone and paying attention to what they’re saying, it’s a sign of caring and respect. The hitch is that attending requires an act of will, which sometimes goes against what our minds naturally do—roaming around aimlessly and thinking about whatnot, instead of listening—the greatest act of thoughtfulness.

                                        Without active listening, people often feel unheard and unacknowledged. That’s why it’s important for everyone to learn how to be a better listener.

                                        What Makes People Poor Listeners?

                                        Good listening skills can be learned, but first, let’s take a look at some of the things that you might be doing that makes you a poor listener.

                                        1. You Want to Talk to Yourself

                                        Well, who doesn’t? We all have something to say, right? But when you are looking at someone pretending to be listening while, all along, they’re mentally planning all the amazing things they’re going to say, it is a disservice to the speaker.

                                        Yes, maybe what the other person is saying is not the most exciting thing in the world. Still, they deserve to be heard. You always have the ability to steer the conversation in another direction by asking questions.

                                        It’s okay to want to talk. It’s normal, even. Keep in mind, however, that when your turn does come around, you’ll want someone to listen to you.

                                        2. You Disagree With What Is Being Said

                                        This is another thing that makes you an inadequate listener—hearing something with which you disagree with and immediately tuning out. Then, you lie in wait so you can tell the speaker how wrong they are. You’re eager to make your point and prove the speaker wrong. You think that once you speak your “truth,” others will know how mistaken the speaker is, thank you for setting them straight, and encourage you to elaborate on what you have to say. Dream on.

                                        Disagreeing with your speaker, however frustrating that might be, is no reason to tune them out and ready yourself to spew your staggering rebuttal. By listening, you might actually glean an interesting nugget of information that you were previously unaware of.

                                        3. You Are Doing Five Other Things While You’re “Listening”

                                        It is impossible to listen to someone while you’re texting, reading, playing Sudoku, etc. But people do it all the time—I know I have.

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                                        I’ve actually tried to balance my checkbook while pretending to listen to the person on the other line. It didn’t work. I had to keep asking, “what did you say?” I can only admit this now because I rarely do it anymore. With work, I’ve succeeded in becoming a better listener. It takes a great deal of concentration, but it’s certainly worth it.

                                        If you’re truly going to listen, then you must: listen! M. Scott Peck, M.D., in his book The Road Less Travel, says, “you cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.” If you are too busy to actually listen, let the speaker know, and arrange for another time to talk. It’s simple as that!

                                        4. You Appoint Yourself as Judge

                                        While you’re “listening,” you decide that the speaker doesn’t know what they’re talking about. As the “expert,” you know more. So, what’s the point of even listening?

                                        To you, the only sound you hear once you decide they’re wrong is, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!” But before you bang that gavel, just know you may not have all the necessary information. To do that, you’d have to really listen, wouldn’t you? Also, make sure you don’t judge someone by their accent, the way they sound, or the structure of their sentences.

                                        My dad is nearly 91. His English is sometimes a little broken and hard to understand. People wrongly assume that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about—they’re quite mistaken. My dad is a highly intelligent man who has English as his second language. He knows what he’s saying and understands the language perfectly.

                                        Keep that in mind when listening to a foreigner, or someone who perhaps has a difficult time putting their thoughts into words.

                                        Now, you know some of the things that make for an inferior listener. If none of the items above resonate with you, great! You’re a better listener than most.

                                        How To Be a Better Listener

                                        For conversation’s sake, though, let’s just say that maybe you need some work in the listening department, and after reading this article, you make the decision to improve. What, then, are some of the things you need to do to make that happen? How can you be a better listener?

                                        1. Pay Attention

                                        A good listener is attentive. They’re not looking at their watch, phone, or thinking about their dinner plans. They’re focused and paying attention to what the other person is saying. This is called active listening.

                                        According to Skills You Need, “active listening involves listening with all senses. As well as giving full attention to the speaker, it is important that the ‘active listener’ is also ‘seen’ to be listening—otherwise, the speaker may conclude that what they are talking about is uninteresting to the listener.”[1]

                                        As I mentioned, it’s normal for the mind to wander. We’re human, after all. But a good listener will rein those thoughts back in as soon as they notice their attention waning.

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                                        I want to note here that you can also “listen” to bodily cues. You can assume that if someone keeps looking at their watch or over their shoulder, their focus isn’t on the conversation. The key is to just pay attention.

                                        2. Use Positive Body Language

                                        You can infer a lot from a person’s body language. Are they interested, bored, or anxious?

                                        A good listener’s body language is open. They lean forward and express curiosity in what is being said. Their facial expression is either smiling, showing concern, conveying empathy, etc. They’re letting the speaker know that they’re being heard.

                                        People say things for a reason—they want some type of feedback. For example, you tell your spouse, “I had a really rough day!” and your husband continues to check his newsfeed while nodding his head. Not a good response.

                                        But what if your husband were to look up with questioning eyes, put his phone down, and say, “Oh, no. What happened?” How would feel, then? The answer is obvious.

                                        According to Alan Gurney,[2]

                                        “An active listener pays full attention to the speaker and ensures they understand the information being delivered. You can’t be distracted by an incoming call or a Facebook status update. You have to be present and in the moment.

                                        Body language is an important tool to ensure you do this. The correct body language makes you a better active listener and therefore more ‘open’ and receptive to what the speaker is saying. At the same time, it indicates that you are listening to them.”

                                        3. Avoid Interrupting the Speaker

                                        I am certain you wouldn’t want to be in the middle of a sentence only to see the other person holding up a finger or their mouth open, ready to step into your unfinished verbiage. It’s rude and causes anxiety. You would, more than likely, feel a need to rush what you’re saying just to finish your sentence.

                                        Interrupting is a sign of disrespect. It is essentially saying, “what I have to say is much more important than what you’re saying.” When you interrupt the speaker, they feel frustrated, hurried, and unimportant.

                                        Interrupting a speaker to agree, disagree, argue, etc., causes the speaker to lose track of what they are saying. It’s extremely frustrating. Whatever you have to say can wait until the other person is done.

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                                        Be polite and wait your turn!

                                        4. Ask Questions

                                        Asking questions is one of the best ways to show you’re interested. If someone is telling you about their ski trip to Mammoth, don’t respond with, “that’s nice.” That would show a lack of interest and disrespect. Instead, you can ask, “how long have you been skiing?” “Did you find it difficult to learn?” “What was your favorite part of the trip?” etc. The person will think highly of you and consider you a great conversationalist just by you asking a few questions.

                                        5. Just Listen

                                        This may seem counterintuitive. When you’re conversing with someone, it’s usually back and forth. On occasion, all that is required of you is to listen, smile, or nod your head, and your speaker will feel like they’re really being heard and understood.

                                        I once sat with a client for 45 minutes without saying a word. She came into my office in distress. I had her sit down, and then she started crying softly. I sat with her—that’s all I did. At the end of the session, she stood, told me she felt much better, and then left.

                                        I have to admit that 45 minutes without saying a word was tough. But she didn’t need me to say anything. She needed a safe space in which she could emote without interruption, judgment, or me trying to “fix” something.

                                        6. Remember and Follow Up

                                        Part of being a great listener is remembering what the speaker has said to you, then following up with them.

                                        For example, in a recent conversation you had with your co-worker Jacob, he told you that his wife had gotten a promotion and that they were contemplating moving to New York. The next time you run into Jacob, you may want to say, “Hey, Jacob! Whatever happened with your wife’s promotion?” At this point, Jacob will know you really heard what he said and that you’re interested to see how things turned out. What a gift!

                                        According to new research, “people who ask questions, particularly follow-up questions, may become better managers, land better jobs, and even win second dates.”[3]

                                        It’s so simple to show you care. Just remember a few facts and follow up on them. If you do this regularly, you will make more friends.

                                        7. Keep Confidential Information Confidential

                                        If you really want to be a better listener, listen with care. If what you’re hearing is confidential, keep it that way, no matter how tempting it might be to tell someone else, especially if you have friends in common. Being a good listener means being trustworthy and sensitive with shared information.

                                        Whatever is told to you in confidence is not to be revealed. Assure your speaker that their information is safe with you. They will feel relieved that they have someone with whom they can share their burden without fear of it getting out.

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                                        Keeping someone’s confidence helps to deepen your relationship. Also, “one of the most important elements of confidentiality is that it helps to build and develop trust. It potentially allows for the free flow of information between the client and worker and acknowledges that a client’s personal life and all the issues and problems that they have belong to them.”[4]

                                        Be like a therapist: listen and withhold judgment.

                                        NOTE: I must add here that while therapists keep everything in a session confidential, there are exceptions:

                                        1. If the client may be an immediate danger to himself or others.
                                        2. If the client is endangering a population that cannot protect itself, such as in the case of a child or elder abuse.

                                        8. Maintain Eye Contact

                                        When someone is talking, they are usually saying something they consider meaningful. They don’t want their listener reading a text, looking at their fingernails, or bending down to pet a pooch on the street. A speaker wants all eyes on them. It lets them know that what they’re saying has value.

                                        Eye contact is very powerful. It can relay many things without anything being said. Currently, it’s more important than ever with the Covid-19 Pandemic. People can’t see your whole face, but they can definitely read your eyes.

                                        By eye contact, I don’t mean a hard, creepy stare—just a gaze in the speaker’s direction will do. Make it a point the next time you’re in a conversation to maintain eye contact with your speaker. Avoid the temptation to look anywhere but at their face. I know it’s not easy, especially if you’re not interested in what they’re talking about. But as I said, you can redirect the conversation in a different direction or just let the person know you’ve got to get going.

                                        Final Thoughts

                                        Listening attentively will add to your connection with anyone in your life. Now, more than ever, when people are so disconnected due to smartphones and social media, listening skills are critical.

                                        You can build better, more honest, and deeper relationships by simply being there, paying attention, and asking questions that make the speaker feel like what they have to say matters.

                                        And isn’t that a great goal? To make people feel as if they matter? So, go out and start honing those listening skills. You’ve got two great ears. Now use them!

                                        More Tips on How to Be a Better Listener

                                        Featured photo credit: Joshua Rodriguez via unsplash.com

                                        Reference

                                        [1] Skills You Need: Active Listening
                                        [2] Filtered: Body language for active listening
                                        [3] Forbes: People Will Like You More If You Start Asking Follow-up Questions
                                        [4] TAFE NSW Sydney eLearning Moodle: Confidentiality

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