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How to Tell If Someone Is Lying: 12 Signs to Check

How to Tell If Someone Is Lying: 12 Signs to Check

Being able to spot a lie can keep you from falling prey to cons and scams. People lie for many reasons. Sometimes, they wish to avoid speaking the truth to take advantage of you, and other times they see dishonesty as a means for survival.

Unfortunately, most of us aren’t very good at detecting lies. Research shows that without training, most people have odds slightly better than chance when it comes to spotting a lie.[1] To put it another way, you may as well flip a coin to determine if someone is swindling you.

Luckily, there are a few simple things you can do to determine whether or not a person is lying. By using the power of observation, you can become a human polygraph test and identify a fibber right away.

Below are a few techniques that can help you avoid being a victim of deceit.

Liars are less likely to smile at you

When you see someone smiling too much, you may get the sense that they are being disingenuous. Some seasoned liars, have taken the opposite approach in an attempt to foil their audience. According to Paul Ekman, liars, especially men, don’t smile as much as they would when they are telling the truth.[2]

When a con artist does smile at you, it may be a fake smile. False smiles are easy to spot because the individual controls the shape of their mouth, but they aren’t able to smile with their eyes.[3]

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Look at their feet to see if they’re grounded in the truth

Foot movement can offer clues about a person’s trustworthiness. When people lie, they tend to restrict the movement of their feet.[4] This may give the liar a stiff appearance.

When a person is lying, they orient their feet toward the exit. A subconscious discomfort with dishonesty causes their feet to seek an escape. Since our feet are so far from our brains, we don’t always notice that our feet reveal our innermost feelings.[5]

Look for quick changes in facial expression to understand how someone truly feels

Your face reflects your thoughts and feelings. When someone lies, their expressions may flicker between the facade that they want you to see and their true feelings. These micro-expressions, which may last for only 1/25 of a second, are subtle indicators that a person is masking their intentions.[6]

The person who says “honestly” repeatedly is worried that you think they aren’t telling the truth

Liars may exhibit verbal tics whenever they feel the need to reinforce their trustworthiness. Over-using phrases like “to be honest”, “believe me”, and “to tell the truth” are clear indications that person is insecure about their believability. Using these phrases once in a while is okay, but if someone’s speech is peppered with such reinforcers, they’re hiding something.

Liars lick their lips because they are stressed

Lip-licking is a nervous habit that can betray a lack of confidence, but it can also show you that someone is lying. When we are under stress, we may unconsciously resort to repetitive physical behaviors, such as lip-licking, to relieve our jittery feelings.

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    If the person won’t look at you or maintains eye contact for too long, they may be worried that you’ll catch them in a lie

    If eyes are mirrors to the soul, then dishonest people tend to be nervous about what their eyes reveal. A misleading person may avoid eye contact all together, or they may try to maintain eye contact for an extended period to attempt to prove their trustworthiness.[7] When eye contact seems forced or nonexistent, look out!

      Long pauses indicate that the person is working to make up a story

      Generating a believable story out of thin air takes time and talent. When someone is telling a tall tale, they may pause frequently to create a sequence of events. The person may also have to work out the logical progression of a story as they go, which means that they’ll have to stop and think.

      You’ll only see this pause if you catch the liar off guard. If they have time to prepare a statement or story, they will work out the bugs well before they tell it. They may do such a convincing job that they believe their own lies.

      Sweating profusely can signal that a person is stressed about lying

      If you’ve watched an interrogation on a popular detective show then you might have noticed that the person being questioned often sweats profusely. That sheen across the liar’s face, neck, and palms is the body’s response to the stress of lying.[8]

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        Liars fidget excessively

        A person who is lying usually has to do something with their hands. Liars tend to adjust their clothing frequently, touch their noses, fidget with their hair, and squirm in their seats. Lying is uncomfortable business for many people, and their mental discomfort can lead them to addressing minor physical annoyances with greater frequency.

        Dishonest people have trouble fabricating a story with good posture. They may shift their weight or fuss and readjust for no obvious reason.

        Understand how a person usually acts so that you can tell when something is off

        It’s easy to catch someone you know in a lie because you have an understanding of how they normally act. You’ll have a mental image of their baseline, which you can use to determine when they are acting strangely.

        You can still establish a baseline even if you don’t know someone. Ask the person simple questions for which you already know the answers. They should be able to answer without lying, which can reveal how a person behaves when they are telling the truth.

        This is why when someone takes a polygraph (lie-detector) test, the initial questions are all based on basic information such as name and date of birth.[9] These establish the baseline to which other answers will be compared during the final analysis.

        When the story doesn’t add up, you might be dealing with a liar

        Even if you have the slightest doubt that the other person is taking you for a ride, ask him to repeat the story after discussing a couple of things in between. Of course, if a person’s response seems canned, then they may have rehearsed this tale several times before telling it.

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        Liars tend to add or remove details from the original telling. Major deviations and logical leaps are red flags that a person is lying to you.

        Changes in speech reveal a dishonest person

        Stammering, stuttering, and speech that is either faster or slower than normal often indicate that a lie is in process. In this case, you can actually hear the person struggling to take their lie from their brain and out into the world.

        We’ve already seen that symptoms of stress and signs of lying go hand in hand. Rapid speech indicates that the person may be nervous about what they are saying because it isn’t true.

        Use all the clues available to you to catch a liar

        Determining whether or not someone is telling the truth can be tough, but if they exhibit several of these signs, the likelihood that they are being dishonest is high. Use context, your instincts, and these visible indicators of dishonesty to avoid being fooled.

        Reference

        [1]Quartz: Research shows how you can tell if someone is lying
        [2]West Side Toastmasters: The Allure of Laughter and Smiles
        [3]Business Insider: A neurologist explains how to spot a fake smile
        [4]The Telegraph: Our feet can talk, says study
        [5]Wonder How To: Mind Hacks: Look down to tell what others are really thinking
        [6]Paul Ekman Group: Catching Liars
        [7]Psychology Today: How to detect a liar
        [8]North American Investigations: The physiology of lying
        [9]The Law Dictionary: Common questions asked during a lie detector test

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        Brian Lee

        Chief of Product Management at Lifehack

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        Last Updated on June 12, 2018

        Can a Dysfunctional Family Become Functional?

        Can a Dysfunctional Family Become Functional?

        A dysfunctional family is more than disagreement or constant arguments. Anything from plain neglect, to abuse and even verbal and physical violence is the everyday experience of those who are part of a dysfunctional family.

        You know how this looks:

        • Parents constantly comparing children.
        • Siblings in conflict because of tolerated bullying.
        • Domestic violence.
        • Adultery…
        • And many others.

        For all the members, this will mean emotional pain and even trauma; which, in case it doesn’t get resolved, will have a detrimental effect on the individual’s personality and development.

        Needless to say, the younger members are the most vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean the parents are out of danger, as most commonly the parents play the roles of abuser-codependent, and in some cases, both parts inflicting pain on one another.

        Most like to think these problems stem from deep-seated issues, and that therefore it’s pretty much impossible to deal with them.

        This is only true for families not willing to do what it takes, for if only a single member is determined and knows how to do it, the whole family can do a lot of progress.

        In this article, I’ll break down for you the basic steps of fixing a dysfunctional family. Although it may seem hopeless, it is possible to turn things around.

        If you have ever felt in this position, or if you know somebody who is, this article is for you.

        How to fix a dysfunctional family

        In a few words the solution for a dysfunctional family lies in dropping the ego, focusing on the solution, switching blame for responsibility and doing the work as a unity, for the good of the whole family.

        And this will accomplish things you once only saw as a dream.

        Dropping the ego? Switching blame for responsibility? Doing the work? What does all this mean?

        It’s simple. In a nutshell, it’s that which will allow you to turn a dysfunctional family into a functional one.

        Let’s take a look at how exactly this can be done. And near the end we will also talk about what you can do in a dysfunctional family with cynical traits.

        Dysfunctional families where not only problems are well-known, but also nobody seems to want a fix or openly decide to perpetuate the harmful behaviors. Such as the case of abuse and physical violence.

        There is also a solution for these, it’s just not what you are expecting…

        Dysfunctional… Or just average?

        Most families are dysfunctional, though at varying degrees of dysfunctionality.

        The milder cases, are just marked by “typical” comically-shrouded bullying or lack of interest in other members’ development or wellbeing.

        You can know a family is dysfunctional if their interactions are anything different than cooperation, solidarity, care and support. But let’s get more specific…

        A dysfunctional family is one in which members directly or indirectly suffer emotional and/or physical harm inflicted by other members of their family. Most commonly, perpetrated by the parents.

        Even harmful actions as “passive” as neglect, which is inflicted by inaction rather than action, signifies a dysfunction within the family.

        Dysfunctional families have conflicts such as:

        • Unrealistic expectations
        • Lack of interest and time spent together
        • Sexism
        • Utilitarianism
        • Lack of empathy
        • Unequal or unfair treatment
        • Disrespect towards boundaries
        • Control Issues
        • Jealousy
        • Verbal and physical abuse
        • Violence and even sexual misconduct or abuse

        The link to productivity

        You may think a dysfunctional family has very little or nothing to do with personal productivity, but you would be wrong in thinking this way…

        If a person is not emotionally well, she will not be able to perform as desired, as the emotional harm that has been inflicted will hinder everyday performance in the way of inability to concentrate, lack of mental clarity and low levels of inspiration, motivation and discipline.

        Having a functional family does exactly the opposite: It creates productive members with no emotional baggage.

        How to turn it around

        When you’re part of a dysfunctional family you know it. You can quickly identify in other members the behaviors and conflicts that create the dysfunction.

        But just in case you’re having trouble telling functional from dysfunctional I will tell you the following:

        One of the easiest ways you can recognize if you are in a dysfunctional family is to survey your won feelings.

        We often overlook this, but have you stopped to ask yourself how you feel?

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        As cheesy as it may sound it really sheds a lot of light on the subject.

        What behaviors, actions and attitudes in your family you wish were better?

        Do you think certain behaviors and actions from your family marked you in the past?

        Sadly, we cannot go back to the past to correct it. But we can do a lot in the present…

        Correction is possible

        In order to fix a dysfunctional family, you must start by putting an end to the behaviors and actions that are affecting you.

        Verbalize it.

        All members of the dysfunctional family have one issue in common: They don’t put a stop to the harm.

        Whenever you feel your boundaries being overstepped there is just one single word you have to remember: STOP.

        This is the door to a better, more functional family, because after this, comes the fix.

        But first you have to identify and make others know where exactly lies the problem.

        So go ahead and fearlessly start with “Stop”, followed by your expression of dissatisfaction.

        Putting it to work in real life

        In real life it would be something like this:

        “OK, stop! Every time you belittle me I feel you don’t care. I need attention and respect, and it is your responsibility as my family to provide them to me”

        Or:

        “Stop. When you compare me with my cousin it hurts, I feel like I don’t matter and that’s not ok. I ask you to stop doing it.

        Or:

        “Please stop. When you start yelling all respect is lost and it turns into a battle of who can do it louder. Don’t raise your voice and let’s work this out the way humans do”.

        As you can see, here you start by putting a stop to the toxic behavior when it arises. And afterwards you verbalize why it’s wrong and what needs of you need to be fulfilled.

        This is what you have to remember:

        1-Stop.

        2-Why it’s wrong?

        3-What you need.

        And this will also work well in case you need to do it for another family member.

        It’s a family thing

        A dysfunctional family cannot be fixed by one member alone.

        Yes, a single member can initiate progress and be the leader of the change. But in order to completely become functional all members must contribute to the solution.

        In other words, you will need cooperation…

        So don’t be afraid of asking for it!

        Approach your family member and ask to be listened.

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        We sometimes feel our needs are “not that important” or we simply believe they won’t listen. But thinking like this would be like being defeated at an unfought battle.

        You will be amazed by how much people listen when you voice your needs, especially if it implies showing yourself open, vulnerable and in need.

        It’s not a free-for-all battle

        In order to get your family to cooperate, first you must fix your individual relationships with every member of the family. Remember: Relationships are always between two people, and two people only.

        No matter how complex, the quality of a multi-member relationship (like a family) will always depend on the quality of the individual relationships.

        Once you have straightened the relationship with every member of the dysfunctional family you will be able to better communicate with other members and help in the betterment of their individual relationship.

        And this is where we will talk about the fix itself. The one I mentioned in the introduction…

        The method

        1. Drop the ego

        Wherever there is conflict there is ego.

        You cannot fix a relationship where there is ego, because the ego will want to win. Always. Yours and the other person.

        Ego craves control and satisfaction, and in many cases, to establish dominance.

        What does this have to do with a dysfunctional family? Everything. Ego will interfere with every plan you have to fix it.

        It will make people suborn and defensive. And it will also make them drop responsibility. This is why, the first step is to drop the ego.

        After you make sure you are not going to allow your ego to interfere you must work to make the other person do the same. How? By speaking from the heart…

        Tell the other person how important all this is to you.

        Tell the other person that it’s not a matter of arguing, but just working things out together.

        Point out how it is not possible for you to do it alone.

        And ask for sincere attention without any desire of opposition, because what you are doing is by no means in the hopes of harming the other person, but just to better the relationship and stop the damage being dealt to you.

        You will have to point out the mistakes you need corrected, that’s for sure. And that leads me to the next point…

        2. Not blame, but responsibility

        When talking about others’ mistakes we often use an accusatory tone. And that’s natural, it’s what things should be like if ego was not present.

        But since we are all creatures of ego, this immediately brings the shields up. And then unsheathes the swords…

        When we blame others they automatically enter a defensive state, and this only leads to a failed negotiation.

        What you need to do is to shift from blame to responsibility. And even that will have to be done carefully!

        Instead of telling them off or demanding change or complaining, calmly point what the problem with their behavior is.

        As much as this feels contradictory, also make them feel understood. You know how difficult it is to accept a mistake, so just make them feel it’s no big fuzz… which does not mean it’s ok, but it takes tension off.

        You will do something like this:

        “Hello dad. Can I talk with you for a minute? I really need to tell you something.

        I have been feeling pretty sad lately and I know this is something you do care about.

        You see, whenever I talk about my accomplishments you mention something else that makes my achievement pale in comparison.

        I know you don’t do this intentionally and I know you might have not realized this until now, but I want to let you know this really brings me down.

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        It would mean a lot to me if you could stop doing it, and it would help better our relationship, because this has already forced me to distance myself from you. And I don’t want that, I want a good, healthy relationship with you”

        What happened here?

        We started off with making it something important, something that needs both time and attention. Then we openly show ourselves vulnerable, just as we are.

        We also mention why he should listen, and shove our feelings there again, because they are important.

        We describe the issue with no attachment and with no hostile intention. It’s just a description.

        And then we take the blame off. Just before we assign responsibility without actually saying it.

        You are not blaming him directly, but you are pointing out the inevitable fact that his actions are causing a dysfunctionality. He is now responsible for changing.

        This is what “switching blame for responsibility” means. What comes next? Doing the work!

        3. Doing the work

        What would any of this mean if, in the end, nothing changes? Exactly, nothing!

        This is why you must follow up with every change that needs to be done.

        Do so in a manner that is not hostile. Bring it up in a casual manner, and emphasizing how you both reached an agreement and how that is important to the family.

        If the person doesn’t follow up don’t hesitate to bring it up again, and tell them you feel disappointed that your honest try at it was not listened.

        It may even be a subject in itself, and therefore the need for another conversation.

        “When you go back to old habits it shows that you didn’t really care about what I said. But back in real life you just reinforce how much contempt you show towards me and my feelings.

        I talk with you because I care. Because although it would be easier for me to just distance myself from you I rather do my part in nurturing this relationship.

        But there is just so much I can do, if you refuse to do your part I can do nothing else.”

        You need very clear and positive communication in order to make this work.

        Love is all you need

        You must remember that in order for a dysfunctional family to become functional, all the work needs to stem from love.

        That is the single one requirement for all this to work: Love.

        And what happens if it simply is not there?

        What happens if, nobody is willing to do what it takes?

        What happens if a member of the family refuses to change and is happy with the harm he or she is dealing?

        There is only one thing you can do:

        To break away.

        Let’s be honest, people, especially adults, are very difficult to change.

        There is a Jewish proverb that I love, which sums it up like this:

        “We spend the rest of our lives trying to unlearn what we learned before we were 7”

        If you find it very hard to change the very traits that make your family dysfunctional or if it’s simply impossible, you still have a card up your sleeve…

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        Although nobody likes to beak away from family members, we must remember we have a responsibility with ourselves as individuals, before any relationship with anyone.

        You have the responsibility of making yourself happy and free. Because you matter as an individual, regardless of any relationships you have, be it family, friendship or romantic.

        Putting distance

        So in case you are dealing with a family member who is simply unwilling to change take both physical and emotional distance.

        What do I mean?

        Learn, first, to take their damage in a detached manner.

        Don’t let it hurt you further. Instead take a deep breath and distance yourself emotionally.

        Don’t be attached to feelings such as “Why doesn’t she love me?” or “What did I do to deserve this?” or “If he wasn’t like that my life would be perfect”.

        Simply refuse to keep participating in the emotional downward spiral and accept, even if it’s painful” that there is nothing you can do. Accept that even without that relationship you are whole, you are worthy of love and respect.

        They are their responsibility and you are yours. So decide what is best for you.

        Realize it only comes down to two possibilities:

        I keep the relationship and therefore accept the abuse. Or…

        I choose my peace of mind.

        And don’t let your mind fool you. We often think that since we all are imperfect, we must take the good and the bad behaviors of people. And we are especially forgiving towards our family…

        Well, guess what? We are also responsible adults who are aware and must own to their acts. Never excuse abuse or violence or transgression towards you or anybody else.

        Choose your happiness and if possible, also distance yourself physically, as it will increase your peace of mind tenfold.

        How to prevent it

        There are two key concepts you must bear in mind in order to prevent the dysfunctionality of a family:

        • To be completely aware of one’s own mistakes and not allow them to impact others and…
        • To make sure our SO’s are also on the same channel before creating a family (i.e. having children)

        Dysfunctional families are the product of irresponsible paternity, for the decades-long unresolved emotional conflict ends up surfacing in the family inevitably, and it will for sure harm those who least deserve it: Innocent children.

        You may notice we went from talking about family, to talking about individual relationships, to talking about you. We went from “them” to “us” to “me”.

        Why? Because in the end you have the power to fix a dysfunctional family. To correct the mistakes you have in yours and to prevent dysfunctionalities if you don’t have a family but plan to create one.

        Priorities and clear thought

        You may be part of a dysfunctional family, but that does not mean you are powerless or that you have to suffer the consequences.

        You learned today how it’s all a matter of priorities and thinking clearly.

        You learned that, if love exists, everything is possible. You learned that even when there is no love and no fix for your dysfunctional family, there are still things you can do. It’s a matter of choosing your peace, because you deserve it.

        Everything will be better if you apply this knowledge. If you talk to that problematic family member. If you help them see the harm they are doing. If you make sure they do change and treat you the way you need to be treated…

        If you choose yourself over that toxic family member. If you refuse to justify the harm that others can do to yourself. If you realize the most important relationship you have is with yourself.

        And lastly, that you also have to be aware of your actions and be open to criticism. Because we might be unknowingly harming others. And that would be us creating a dysfunctionality. Don’t allow it to happen.

        Dysfunctional families are not impossible to fix. It just takes love, cooperation and responsibility.

        But if you tried and those elements are not present, just choose yourself instead.

        Featured photo credit: Photo by Juliane Liebermann on Unsplash via unsplash.com

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