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10 Secrets to Making Lifelong Friends

10 Secrets to Making Lifelong Friends

Ever since college, it has been harder and harder to meet and keep friends. But with these ten secrets to making lifelong friends, you’ll be rocking new and deeper friendships before you know it. Here they are:

1. Say, “Yes”

Be open to connection. When your friend calls, pick up. Get a message? Call back. If it’s texting, respond reasonably quickly if at all possible. When invited over, go. It takes time and energy to build a deep and lasting connection. So put in the time and say, “Yes,” as much as you’re able. If you’re over-scheduled and often find yourself saying, “No,” to invitations from friends, re-assess your priorities and clear some time and space for your social connections.

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2. Reach out to connect more often

Phone calls, emails, texts: if you’re keeping track of whose turn it is, give it up and reach out more. But here’s the trick, you can’t expect anything in return. If you’re giving to get, you’ll get nothing. People are very sensitive to our unconscious desires, and even though they don’t understand why they don’t want to call back, they won’t. On the other hand, if you make lots of invitations with no strings attached, you’ll eventually get a yes, and after dropping your attachment to a specific outcome, you’ll probably be surprised at how often people say, “Yes,” to your invitations.

3. Bring a gift

Doing the little extras can be really fun and can help deepen your friendship. Did you know that some people’s primary love language is gifts? The cost of the gift doesn’t much matter, it really is the thought that counts. If you’re far away, sending a package is a super sweet way to reach over the miles and connect. If you’re going to dinner, bring some flowers or a bottle of wine. If you’re invited to a party, same thing. When you’re thoughtful and generous toward your friends, you’ll be the one that they want to stick around.

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4. Get curious

Being inquisitive and listening to others is the hallmark of a good friend. If you find yourself constantly talking about yourself and your own life, or asking for advice, take a moment to consider switching that dynamic so that your friendship can be an equal partnership of mutual support. Ask questions about your friend’s life, their dreams and desires, and their struggles. And instead of jumping in to fix their problems for them, try asking clarifying questions and listen to their process as they figure things out for themselves.

5. Share something vulnerable

Again, there must be heartfelt sharing in order to foster a strong and healthy friendship. If you’re too scared to tell your friend how you truly feel, you’re not allowing your friendship to mature to the next level. Instead, be brave and be willing to risk the friendship. We can only foster a deep and lasting connection if we’re able to share our true thoughts and feelings. And if your friend doesn’t like it when you vulnerably share your deep truth, then it’s time to put your friendship energy elsewhere. This doesn’t mean you can use your friends as emotional dumping grounds, it’s important to get permission to share something deeply emotional, but a true friend will be there for you and feel even more connected when you share your unedited truth.

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6. Offer a hug

Physical touch is incredibly nurturing and, personally, I can never get enough hugs and snuggles. Not everyone’s a hugger, but if you are, you can certainly find others who also enjoy hugs by offering them. Sometimes it’s as simple as opening up your arms as your friend is about to leave (or when they arrive). I haven’t found too many people who will refuse to hug when one is offered. This can be a great way to get your needs for physical touch met, but do be careful not to hang on too long. It’s creepy to be hugged for a super long time by someone you hardly know. Super short hugs can also be off-putting, so my rule of thumb is to squeeze, take a deep breath and then let go with a smile.

7. Gratitude and acknowledgments

Different from compliments, which only go skin deep, offering gratitude and acknowledgment is a way to share your heart and deepen your connections with everyone in your life. Take the following example: “I like your new haircut,” is a nice thing to say, but it’s not deeply impactful. On the other hand, “I really appreciated it when you called to invite me to lunch. I love spending time with you, and life gets so busy. I’m grateful that our friendship is important to you, too,” has a far greater emotional impact. If that’s too sappy for you, try this, “Hey bro, playing basketball with you last week was the highlight of my week. You rock!”

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8. Provide a service

Help out, do the dishes, fix the sink, offer to run to the store. These acts of service are also perceived as love. Also, begin to see other people’s acts of service as love and notice how much more loved and appreciated you feel. And when your friend says, “Thank you,” try to fully receive the gratitude without minimizing your contribution. If that’s tough for you, try shutting your mouth, taking a deep breath through your nose and making eye contact. After a moment of silence, simply say, “You’re welcome,” and mean it.

9. Communicate when there’s trouble

If you feel there’s something wrong, talk about it. Most often, there’s been some sort of miscommunication and by bringing it up, you can resolve it quickly before too much upset builds. You may want to learn some communication skills like Nonviolent Communication. But they key is not to let your upset or confusion fester. Find out what’s really going on by asking for clarification and share your feelings using “I” statements and describing your experience, rather than “you” statements, which infer blame and may cause your friend to become defensive.

10. Ask for support

Asking for help when you need it can be incredibly hard and feels very vulnerable, but if you want to deepen your friendships it’s important to allow your friends to help you out. Maybe you need help moving, or a ride to the airport. Or perhaps you need someone to listen to you about how messed up your relationship with your mom is. Maybe you even need a wing man or woman to go out and help you get laid. Whatever it is that you need and are afraid to ask for help with is the exact thing that will help to deepen your friendship. Consider how good you feel when you’ve helped a friend with something. Do you really want to deny your friends the opportunity to contribute to you?

Some of these tips may be easy for you and others might be harder. But if you keep them in mind and practice them often, you can’t help but build stronger, longer lasting, and deeper friendships.

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Last Updated on December 10, 2019

5 Smart Reasons to Start Journal Writing Today

5 Smart Reasons to Start Journal Writing Today

Here’s the truth: your effectiveness at life is not what it could be. You’re missing out.

Each day passes by and you have nothing to prove that it even happened. Did you achieve something? Go on a date? Have an emotional breakthrough? Who knows?

But what you do know is that you don’t want to make the same mistakes that you’ve made in the past.

Our lives are full of hidden gems of knowledge and insight, and the most recent events in our lives contain the most useful gems of all. Do you know why? It’s simple, those hidden lessons are the most up to date, meaning they have the largest impact on what we’re doing right now.

But the question is, how do you get those lessons? There’s a simple way to do it, and it doesn’t involve time machines:

Journal writing.

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Improved mental clarity, the ability to see our lives in the big picture, as well as serving as a piece of evidence cataloguing every success we’ve ever had; we are provided all of the above and more by doing some journal writing.

Journal writing is a useful and flexible tool to help shed light on achieving your goals.

Here’s 5 smart reasons why you should do journal writing:

1. Journals Help You Have a Better Connection with Your Values, Emotions, and Goals

By journaling about what you believe in, why you believe it, how you feel, and what your goals are, you understand your relationships with these things better. This is because you must sort through the mental clutter and provide details on why you do what you do and feel what you feel.

Consider this:

Perhaps you’ve spent the last year or so working at a job you don’t like. It would be easy to just suck it up and keep working with your head down, going on as if it’s supposed to be normal to not like your job. Nobody else is complaining, so why should you, right?

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But a little journal writing will set things straight for you. You don’t like your job. You feel like it’s robbing you of happiness and satisfaction, and you don’t see yourself better there in the future.

The other workers? Maybe they don’t know, maybe they don’t care. But you do, you know and care enough to do something about it. And you’re capable of fixing this problem because your journal writing allows you to finally be honest with yourself about it.

2. Journals Improve Mental Clarity and Help Improve Your Focus

If there’s one thing journal writing is good for, it’s clearing the mental clutter.

How does it work? Simply, whenever you have a problem and write about it in a journal, you transfer the problem from your head to the paper. This empties the mind, allowing allocation of precious resources to problem-solving rather than problem-storing.

Let’s say you’ve been juggling several tasks at work. You’ve got data entry, testing, e-mails, problems with the boss, and so on—enough to overwhelm you—but as you start journal writing, things become clearer and easier to understand: Data entry can actually wait till Thursday; Bill kindly offered earlier to do my testing; For e-mails, I can check them now; the boss is just upset because Becky called in sick, etc.

You become better able to focus and reason your tasks out, and this is an indispensable and useful skill to have.

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3. Journals Improve Insight and Understanding

As a positive consequence of improving your mental clarity, you become more open to insights you may have missed before. As you write your notes out, you’re essentially having a dialogue with yourself. This draws out insights that you would have missed otherwise; it’s almost as if two people are working together to better understand each other. This kind of insight is only available to the person who has taken the time to connect with and understand themselves in the form of writing.

Once you’ve gotten a few entries written down, new insights can be gleaned from reading over them. What themes do you see in your life? Do you keep switching goals halfway through? Are you constantly dating the same type of people who aren’t good for you? Have you slowly but surely pushed people out of your life for fear of being hurt?

All of these questions can be answered by simply self-reflecting, but you can only discover the answers if you’ve captured them in writing. These questions are going to be tough to answer without a journal of your actions and experiences.

4. Journals Track Your Overall Development

Life happens, and it can happen fast. Sometimes we don’t take the time to stop and look around at what’s happening to us at each moment. We don’t get to see the step-by-step progress that we’re making in our own lives. So what happens? One day it’s the future, and you have no idea how you’ve gotten there.

Journal writing allows you to see how you’ve changed over time, so you can see where you did things right, and you can see where you took a misstep and fell.

The great thing about journals is that you’ll know what that misstep was, and you can make sure it doesn’t happen again—all because you made sure to log it, allowing yourself to learn from your mistakes.

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5. Journals Facilitate Personal Growth

The best thing about journal writing is that no matter what you end up writing about, it’s hard to not grow from it. You can’t just look at a past entry in which you acted shamefully and say “that was dumb, anyway!” No, we say “I will never make a dumb choice like that again!”

It’s impossible not to grow when it comes to journal writing. That’s what makes journal writing such a powerful tool, whether it’s about achieving goals, becoming a better person, or just general personal-development. No matter what you use it for, you’ll eventually see yourself growing as a person.

Kickstart Journaling

How can journaling best be of use to you? To vent your emotions? To help achieve your goals? To help clear your mind? What do you think makes journaling such a useful life skill?

Know the answer? Then it’s about time you reap the benefits of journal writing and start putting pen to paper.

Here’s what you can do to start journaling:

Featured photo credit: Jealous Weekends via unsplash.com

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