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What You Need to Do to Stop Being a People Pleaser

What You Need to Do to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Do you ever catch yourself saying “yes” when you actually want to say “no”? Or you nod your head in agreement, when you really don’t agree at all?

You’ve possibly even reached the point where you feel annoyed with yourself, yet it still feels easier to do it.

I know how you feel, because this was once me, until I realized it was holding me back.

Personally, I dislike labelling, especially people. But if you find it difficult to air your own viewpoint, you could be what is often called a people pleaser.

Clinical social worker and psychotherapist Amy Morin wrote that people pleasing is a sign of something deeper and is linked to a person’s self worth. They hope that saying yes to everything asked of them will help them feel accepted and liked.[1]

People pleasers may have encountered bullying or some form of mistreatment in the past. Those past experiences triggered a survival pattern. They have learned along the way that agreeing to everything can help them stay safe.

We all want to be liked, because it gives us a sense of belonging. And that need of belongingness is one of the most primal of human emotional needs. It’s a tribal need.

In past years, we all lived in tribes. We would fish and hunt together, cook and protect each other. It has been said that there’s safety in numbers and that has certainly been the case in tribal communities. Living in a tribe meant we would survive and we did our upmost to remain there.

Even in today’s modern world, we are hard wired to survive. Though we may not live in tribes now, we still have that same need to belong. And, during our lives, we develop a variety of behavioral patterns, to ensure that we do.

A people pleaser fears not being liked and thinks if they disagree, they will be on the outer. It’s one of those survival based behaviour patterns and it works really well to a point.

The problem here is this:

If you continually put other’s needs before your own, there is a good chance you will eventually burn out. And, if you regularly push aside your own opinions in effort to agree, you can lose sight of your identity.

When you lose sight of your own identity, your thinking becomes clouded. You start to live your life through “shoulds” instead of “wants”. You become unsure of what you do believe and find it difficult to know what you want.

In the long-term, this can cause unhappiness and lack of fulfilment. It stops you living to your full potential has been known to lead to depression.

The good news is that behavior can be changed; it’s just a process and takes time.

Survival patterns are not easy to break. But making gradual small changes will soon bring the desired result.

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1. Develop Awareness of Your People Pleasing Behavior

It’s fantastic if you already have full awareness of these tendencies, but often people don’t.

This habit can become so ingrained that it’s automatic. Before you know it, you have agreed when you really disagree. Or said “yes” when you really want to say “no”.

Even offering to do something when your to do list is already over full, could be a desire to please or be approved of.

Because of this, it takes full commitment to stay aware with an intention to change.

Make a decision to become fully aware of your people pleasing impulses.

Write a list of all the things you would normally do in an effort to please. Then, notice each time you do them and decide how you will change it next time.

2. Drop the People Pleaser Label

There is a reason I don’t like labelling and it’s because this has the potential to become our identity.

It’s wonderful to become aware of our tendencies to please. But it can get in the way if we fully identify with it.

Whenever we use the words “I am”, we are stating who we believe we are. Each time we repeat it, we feel more certain about it.

For example; I am a man or woman. I am a people pleaser, I am not liked.

And when we believe something about ourselves, it affects the way we feel. Then we behave that way even more.

Labelling yourself negatively could impact your self worth. And it could cause you to lose sight of the amazing person you really are.

Never describe yourself as a “people pleaser”. Instead describe your “people pleasing behavior” as you make a decision to change it.

3. Develop a Strong Sense of Who You Are

When we get ultra clear on who we genuinely are and what we stand for, it gives us a strong sense of self. As we gain clarity on this, we find it increasingly difficult to push our viewpoints to one side.

If you have been pleasing others for a long period of time, you may have lost sight of what is important to you. And without this insight, you may not have an opinion of your own. Or you may not be sure of what it is.

Having a deep understanding of your core values is essential to knowing what you stand for. This strengthens your identity, increases your self worth and your ability to speak your mind.

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Core values are the fundamental beliefs of a person. Every decision and choice we make is driven by our values and this influences our behaviours.

Knowing your values will assist you to call your own boundaries and say “no” when you mean “no”.

The inner strength and confidence I have seen people build by getting clear on their values always excites me.

You can start to gain clarity on your own values by looking at the aspects of your life that are most important to you. Those aspects that are the most essential are the ones you put most of your time and energy into.

Then dig down deeper into what specifically has the greatest importance in those aspects of your life.

4. Adjust Your Belief to Support Your New Choices

All values are more than just words. They have a set of beliefs sitting behind each one of them.

Mahatma Gandhi said,

“Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits and your habits become your values.”

And this is a never-ending cycle. Your values and their associated beliefs affect your thoughts, habits, actions and words.

If the beliefs around your values are too general and unsustainable, they can stop you changing your people pleasing habits.

Values like, helpfulness, kindness and support often have those unsustainable beliefs connected to them.

For example, a belief like “I am always there for people who need me” is very general and could include every person you know. And a word like “always” is a generalisation that gives no exception to that rule. Remember, your words become your actions.

When you adjust those beliefs, your new habits will feel easier to put into action. For instance, “I do my best to be there for my loved ones and friends”. This belief is much more specific and allows space for exceptions. This will support your new choices.

So allow space to explore what you truly believe and make those adjustments if needed.

5. Feel Happy about the Word “No”

If we are totally honest with ourselves, most people prefer to say yes to requests. We don’t like to disappoint people and we like to feel helpful.

The thing is, if we always put others’ needs first, what is important to us is often neglected. And before long we lose sight of own priorities to live our life by other people’s standards.

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There is a well-known saying,

“If you want something done then give it to a busy person.”

If you are one of those “busy people,” there is a good chance you are always saying “yes”.

It’s not an easy adjustment moving from the word “yes” to the word “no”. In my experience, the change can be a little clunky to begin with. It’s almost like the pendulum swings from people pleaser to people blitzer. And the word “no” is almost spat out.

This is possibly because you have said “yes” for so long you have some feelings of resentment. Or the word no brings you feelings of guilt.

“No” is only a word, just like the word “yes”. It’s the meaning we associate with it that causes us to feel a certain way. And that feeling affects how we say the word.

Practice Feeling Comfortable with Saying “No”

With NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), we use a technique called Collapsed Anchor[2] to help you let go of any negative emotion associated with a word. It is a powerful process when we have re-written any beliefs that were unsustainable.

This is something that is more effortlessly addressed if performed by a qualified practitioner. But there are ways you can work on this yourself.

Getting accustomed to saying the word will eventually collapse the anchor anyway. But there are ways you can do this by practicing at home first.

Try putting on your favourite happy music, then stand in front of the mirror. Smile as you say the word “no” repeatedly until any negative emotions have disappeared.

Rephrase Your Words of Saying “No”

You could perhaps find it difficult to say no, because you don’t know how to say it. And you may fear disappointing the other person. Because of this, you might tell lengthy stories of why you can’t help with their request. You really don’t owe anyone an explanation, but it can feel easier to give one.

The thing is, a lengthy story can sometimes sound like an excuse. This could also cause you to feel anxious. So it helps to know how to give a good reason without over explaining yourself.

Over the years, I have learned a few ways of saying “no” without actually using the word:

“I can see how important this is to you, I have something pressing of my own I need to do though”

“I would love to come along, I just have something else on”.

Or you can say “no” with an alternative, helping them in the long term:

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“I’m not able to do this for you now, but another time I could quickly show you how or give you the instructions”

Spend some time deciding which scenarios you will use these responses. You can even write them down or practice in front of the mirror.

Use the Power of the Pause

Our regular responses are unconscious and that’s because we have been doing them for a long time. This means we could respond in our usual way without thinking.

Perhaps you also feel that you need to give an immediate response, which you don’t.

Giving an immediate response also means it could all come out the way you don’t want it to.

Deciding to pause before you respond will help you with this.

Set an intention at the beginning of each day to pause before you reply. As you set the intent, it will remind you in the moment.

If you are not sure of how you would like to respond, let the person know you will get back to them.

Or, a great favourite of mine is this: tell them you will need to check your calendar first.

You can also take a look at Leo Babauta’s tips about this: The Gentle Art of Saying No

Final Thoughts

Moving from people pleaser to speaking your own truth and putting yourself first is a process. This means it doesn’t change overnight.

It’s easy to beat yourself up for the times you slip up. This itself will lower your self-worth, which is the opposite of what you are intending to do.

Be kind to yourself.

Notice where you make small changes and give yourself a pat on the back. As you do, your confidence will increase. You will feel more encouraged to make bigger changes next time. And you will start to fully embrace and love the new genuine you.

More Tips on Self-Love

Featured photo credit: Omar Lopez via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] Psychology Today: 10 Signs You’re a People-Pleaser
[2] Excellence Assure: Collapse Anchors

More by this author

Deb Johnstone

Deb is a professional mindset speaker and a transformational life, business and career coach. Specialising in NLP and dynamic mindset.

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Last Updated on April 14, 2021

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

We all lose our temper from time to time, and expressing anger is actually a healthy thing to do in our relationships with others. Expressing our differences in opinion allows us to have healthy conflict and many times come to an agreement or understanding that works for everyone. However, there are times when anger can become overwhelming or damaging, and during these times, it’s important to learn how to deal with anger.

Expressing anger inappropriately can be harmful to relationships, both personal and professional. You may express too much anger, too often, or at times that are only going to make things worse, not better. In this article we will look at anger management techniques that will help you better control your emotions.

Let’s take a deeper look at how to deal with anger.

Expressing Anger

Anger is a natural and normal part of almost any relationship. This includes relationships with your significant other, kids, boss, friends, family, etc. Anger provides us with valuable information if we are willing to listen to it. It clues us in to areas where we disagree with others and things that need to be changed or altered.

Unhealthy Ways to Express Anger

Here are some common yet unhealthy ways to express anger that you should avoid:

Being Passive-Aggressive

This is a term many of us are familiar with. Passive-aggressive behavior happens when someone is angry but uses indirect communication to express their anger.

Some of the more common passive-aggressive behaviors include the silent treatment, making comments about someone behind their back, being grumpy, moody, or pouting, or simply not doing tasks or assignments that they should.

This is a passive-aggressive person’s way of showing their anger. It’s not very productive but extremely common.

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Poorly-Timed

Some people get overwhelmed and express anger in a situation where it can’t really do any good.

An example would be getting angry at one person in front of a crowd of people. All that does is make people uncomfortable and shuts them down. It’s not a healthy way to express anger or disagreement with someone.

Ongoing Anger

Being angry all the time is most often a symptom of something else. It’s healthy and normal to express anger when you disagree with someone. However, if someone is angry most of the time and always seems to be expressing their anger to everyone around them, this won’t serve them well.

Over time, people will start to avoid this person and have as little contact as possible. The reason being is no one likes being around someone who is angry all the time; it’s a no-win situation.

Healthy Ways to Express Anger

What about the healthy ways[1] to adapt? When learning how to deal with anger, here are some healthy ways to get you started.

Being Honest

Express your anger or disagreement honestly. Be truthful about what it is that is making you angry. Sometimes this will entail walking away and thinking about it for a bit before you respond.

Don’t say you’re mad at something someone did or said when it’s really something else that upset you.

Being Direct

Similar to being honest, being direct is a healthy way to express anger.

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Don’t talk around something that is making you angry. Don’t say that one thing is making you angry when it’s really something else, and don’t stack items on top of each other so you can unload on someone about 10 different things 6 months from now.

Be direct and upfront about what is making you angry. Ensure you are expressing your anger to the person who upset you or you are angry at, not to someone else. This is very counterproductive.

Being Timely

When something makes you angry, it’s much better to express it in a timely manner. Don’t keep it bottled up inside of you, as that’s only going to do more harm than good.

Think of the marriages that seem to go up in flames out of nowhere when the reality is someone kept quiet for years until they hit their breaking point.

Expressing anger as it occurs is a much healthier way of using anger to help us guide our relationships in the moment.

How to Deal With Anger

If you feel angry, how should you deal with it right at that moment?

1. Slow Down

From time to time, I receive an email at work that makes me so angry that steam is probably pouring out of my ears.

In my less restrained moments, I have been known to fire off a quick response, and that typically has ended about as well as you might imagine.

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When I actually walk away from my computer and go do something else for a while, I am able to calm down and think more rationally. After that happens, I am able to respond in a more appropriate and productive manner. Doing things that helps you learn how to release anger can make an uncomfortable situation more manageable before it gets out of hand.

2. Focus on the “I”

Remember that you are the one that’s upset. Don’t accuse people of making you upset because, in the end, it’s your response to what someone did that really triggered your anger. You don’t want to place blame by saying something like “Why don’t you ever put away your dishes?” Say something more like “Having dirty dishes laying on the counter upsets me—can you work with me to come to a solution?”

When you are accusatory towards someone, all that does is increase the tension. This doesn’t usually do anything except make your anger rise higher.

3. Work out

When learning how to deal with anger, exercise is a great outlet. If something happens that angers you, see if you have the opportunity to burn off some of the anger.

Being able to hit the gym to get a hard workout in is great. If this isn’t an option, see if you can go for a run or a bike ride. If you are at work when you become angry and the weather permits, at least go outside for a brisk walk.

Besides working some of your anger out through exercise, this also helps to give your mind a chance to work through some ways to address what it is that upset you.

If you’re not sure where to start with an exercise routine, check out Lifehack’s free Simple Cardio Home Workout Plan.

4. Seek Help When Needed

There are times when we could all use some help. Life can be stressful and overwhelming. It’s perfectly fine to seek some help from a mental health professional if it will help you get back to a healthy balance.If you find that you are angry all the time, it might be a good idea to go talk to an expert about learning to control intense emotions. They can give you some sound advice and ideas on how to get your anger to a more manageable and healthy level.

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5. Practice Relaxation

We all seem to lead incredibly busy lives, and that’s a good thing if we are loving the life we are living. That being said, it is very beneficial to our physical and mental well-being to take time out for relaxation.

That can mean spending time doing things that help us calm down and relax, like being around people we enjoy, practicing deep breathing or listening to music. It could be making time for things that help bring us balance like a healthy diet and physical activity.

Many people incorporate techniques such as yoga and meditation to calm their minds and release tension when learning how to deal with anger. Whatever your choice is, ensure you take time out to relax when warning signs of anger start to bubble up.

6. Laugh

Incorporating humor and laughter on a regular basis will help keep anger in check and help you get over a bad mood and feelings of anger more quickly. This isn’t part of formal anger management techniques, but you’ll be surprised by how well it works. Remember, life is a journey that’s meant to be enjoyed fully along the way through healthy emotion. Make sure you take time to laugh and have fun.Surround yourself with people that like to laugh and enjoy life. Don’t work at a job that just causes you stress, which can lead to anger. Work at something you enjoy doing.

7. Be Grateful

It’s easy to focus on the bad in life and the things that cause us negative emotions. It’s vitally important to remind ourselves of all the wonderful things in life that bring us positive emotions, things that we easily forget because we get caught up in the whirlwind of day to day life.

Take time out each day to remind yourself of a few things you are grateful for in order to help you learn how to release anger and invite in more positive feelings.

Final Thoughts

Life can be overwhelming at times. We seem to have constant pressure to achieve more and to always be on the go. People we are around and situations we are in can cause stress, anger, and negative emotions. At times, it can seem to be too much, and we get angry and our emotions start to get out of control.

During these times, keep in mind that life is an incredible journey, full of wonder and things that bring you joy. When you find yourself angry more often than is healthy, take time out to remember the good things in life—the things that we seem to forget yet bring us so much positive energy and emotions.

Use some of the tips included here to help with how to deal with anger and better control your emotions.

More Resources on Anger Management

Featured photo credit: Andre Hunter via unsplash.com

Reference

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