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What Is Marriage Therapy (And How to Know If You Need It)

What Is Marriage Therapy (And How to Know If You Need It)
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Relationships are complex and multifaceted. Arguments over infidelity, step-families, money, sex, in-laws, children, drug and alcohol abuse, illness, job loss, and a host of other stressors, can ignite a war sizable enough to leave profound casualties in its wake.

While some not so serious issues can be dealt with by a couple who is willing to cooperate with each other, and work hard to make things better, many more difficult situations are not that simple to fix. Under such circumstances, a valuable tool that can potentially help pull the couple out of its troubled predicament is marriage therapy, also referred to as couple’s counseling.

Thirty-two years ago, my marriage was in trouble. We had just gotten married after dating for less than a year. The relationship took an immediate hit only two weeks into dating when, my now present husband, was given sole custody of his seven-year-old son. I, too, had a son the same age from a previous marriage. Things got challenging fast. Soon, as it often happens in step-families, our new foursome split up into two camps: my husband and his son, and me and my boy. No one knew how to handle the ever-worsening familial crisis.

We tried, without success, to fix the blended family problem on our own, but it didn’t work. Things deteriorated even more when our third child came along. On the verge of divorce, we decided to give marriage therapy a try. The therapist worked with us, helped us understand what was truly happening, and offered us a variety of techniques to deal with our particular conditions. She normalized our experience and taught us better communication skills. A year later, we were doing much better, and were able to terminate our bi-weekly sessions, taking with us a set of highly-effective tools to help us should we encounter rough patches in the future.

In fact, I was so inspired by our success, that I decided to become a Marriage & Family Therapist myself.

What Is Marriage Therapy?

Broken down into its most simplistic form, marriage therapy is a helpful avenue provided by a trained and unbiased professional. The focus of a Marriage & Family Therapist is relationships. They help couples and families navigate through their most toxic impasses by:

  • processing and reframing what is said
  • assisting them in developing more effective communication skills[1]
  • helping them see what isn’t always obvious to the parties involved
  • providing effective approaches that aid in creating a genuine shift in the relationship.

Marriage counselors can be an invaluable resource for a couple in crisis.

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For example, in our blended family situation, my husband and I believed that one of our boys was the problem. The therapist explained that the infrastructure of the family lies in the strength and unity of the couple, and if a strong and solid foundation isn’t there, the children will often misbehave.

That helped us put things into a different perspective. We shifted our focus away from our acting-out child, to our relationship. Once we knew what the problem was, we started moving forward in a more positive direction. That eventually saved our marriage.

How to Know If You Would Benefit from Marriage Therapy?

If you and your partner have been struggling with the same issue over a long period of time without getting closer to any type of resolution, then you could benefit from couple’s counseling. A trained and unbiased third party can be instrumental in reviving the relationship.

Some distraught couples often want to work on the relationship on their own, without outside interference. Typically, one of the partners feels their problems are nobody’s business. What happens, then, is that their issues are on a constant loop.

Picture a Ferris wheel. Now imagine one of your biggest problems sitting in one of the bottom carts. It’s there, up front and center, then it disappears for a little bit, only to come back around again. Without the proper help, the problem doesn’t go away; it just keeps circling ’round and ’round; hence why couples end up having the same fight over and over again.

Most people don’t have the necessary understanding to know what’s actually happening in their relationship. They might see the obvious surface layer, and think that’s the actual problem, but they’re not equipped to see the obscured underlying issue. In his book, Irritating the Ones You Love, Jeff Auerbach, Ph.D, explains The 30/70 Split. This, he says,

“…refers to the fact that our reactions are partly due to immediate events and partly due to our pre-existing areas of sensitivity. The 30/70 Split provides a clear and concise reminder of which is which; approximately 30% of the total reactions are about what just happened, while the other 70% is the result of childhood feelings, or Jars, being activated.”

A marriage therapist can help figure out the concealed issue, and steer the couple onto the right path.

There is no perfect relationship out there. When two people come together, it’s not just them; it’s their parents, their siblings, their history—good, bad, or indifferent—their traditions, and everything else they’ve acquired along the way. In any relationship, there is usually a struggle as to whose side will “win.”

For example, let’s say that recently-married Jane has always celebrated Christmas Eve with her family. John, her new husband, has always celebrated Christmas Eve with his. Now what? At this point, if both Jane and John dig in their heels, there’s going to be a conflict. But suppose that Jane acquiesces, saying, “It’s okay, I’ll see my family another day.” Even though she’s trying to please John, she may be harboring resentment at missing Christmas Eve with her family.

There’s a potential here for hurt and buried feelings. There is rarely a winner in these types of scenarios. Even if it looks like someone’s side won—John’s, for example—Jane might be left with anger and bitterness. So no one actually wins.

What to Do When You Start Going to the Therapy

Let us suppose that you and your partner agree to marriage therapy. The situation has gotten so out of hand that you both feel only a trained professional can help. That’s a smart first step. Once you do start therapy, it’s important to:

1. Set Goals

Why is this important? If you want to get somewhere, you need to know where you are and where you want to go. Setting a goal is like punching in your destination on your Google Maps.

You can do this when your therapist asks you what the presenting problem is (where you are), and on what specifically you’d like to work (where you want to go). This is the point in which you can share what’s currently bringing you to counseling, and in what direction you’d like to see your relationship forge ahead.

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For example, let’s say that John comes home late every night. He gets so wrapped up in his work, he doesn’t take into account that Jane is waiting at home with dinner on the table. When he finally does get home, she’s fuming. “You’re late again! And dinner is cold! You are so inconsiderate!” she yells. John might respond with, “It’s no wonder I don’t want to come home; you’re always nagging me!”

In the above illustration, a goal might be for John to try and make it home by 6:00 three evenings a week. A goal for Jane, on the other nights, might be to just reheat his food, sit with him while he eats, and ask about his day. The goal is important because if it’s not met, then the couple, along with their therapist, can explore what got in the way. It’s a springboard from which to proceed.

2. Establish Priorities

What is valuable to one partner may not necessarily be valuable to the other one. Quite often, compromises have to be made in order to get the relationship out of neutral. When each person verbalizes what’s truly a must-have for them, the other partner needs to listen and make adjustments, so that both parties feel heard and understood.

Perhaps, for John, who might be a Type-A personality,[2] the priority is to get the majority of his work done before he leaves the office. For Jane, on the other hand, who is very family-oriented,[3] it might be to spend more quality time with her husband.

Sharing these priorities with each other will engender a better understanding for everyone involved. The marriage therapist, working in concert with the couple, can help pinpoint where the root of the problem really lies, and what can be done about it to achieve marital success.

Knowing what the goals and priorities are in a relationship is like having a road map. It can always be a reference point.

NOTE: as the relationship evolves, goals and priorities will more than likely change. Perhaps, for a newly-married couple, the goal is to go on exciting date nights every few days. The priority might be spending every weekend with close friends. As the couple grows together, however, that may shift. A few years later, the goal might veer into one of staying home, cozying in, and watching their favorite shows. As the case may be, their friendships may take a back seat. Maybe once a month is fine now instead of every weekend.

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WARNING: priorities usually do a 180 degree turn when children come into the picture.

Goals and priorities are important to have in order to make the marriage work in a more loving and respectful manner.

But What If the Relationship Is Irreparable?

What if the marriage really can’t be saved, no matter how good the marriage therapist is?

In some rare cases, marriage therapy can’t rekindle a marriage. Sometimes couples in trouble wait. And wait. By the time they get to the tipping point, it’s almost too late. I had a couple come to me as a “last resort.” They had already filed for divorce, and each had secured their own attorney. I didn’t hold much in the way of hope for the couple as there was way too much water under that bridge.

Even though not all marriages can be saved, sometimes the marriage therapist can bring about a graceful split. If there are children involved, this is a must. Break-ups do happen. Realize, however, that they don’t need to be catastrophic, hate-filled, or vindictive. Sometimes things just don’t work out; people fall out of love, or simply grow apart.

Final Thoughts

In general, couple’s counseling is a great benefit for a couple in distress. It can actually be the lifesaver they need. Having said that, couples must be open to change, and be willing to put in the necessary work. People grow intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, etc., so flexibility, and open lines of communication are far-reaching.

If you find that your relationship is in trouble, know that there’s help out there. Don’t rely on your own personal limited knowledge. You and your partner may be too wrapped-up in the ongoing drama to conceive that there is a better way.

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But there is a better way. All you have to do is reach out and get it.

Featured photo credit: taylor hernandez via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] Habits for Wellbeing: 9 Effective Communication Skills
[2] Simply Psychology: Type A & B Personality
[3] Odyssey: 5 Signs You’re a Family-Oriented Person

More by this author

Rossana Snee

Rossana is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. She aspires to motivate, to inspire, and to awaken your best self!

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Last Updated on July 20, 2021

How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)
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You’re standing behind the curtain, just about to make your way on stage to face the many faces half-shrouded in darkness in front of you. As you move towards the spotlight, your body starts to feel heavier with each step. A familiar thump echoes throughout your body – your heartbeat has gone off the charts.

Don’t worry, you’re not the only one with glossophobia(also known as speech anxiety or the fear of speaking to large crowds). Sometimes, the anxiety happens long before you even stand on stage.

Your body’s defence mechanism responds by causing a part of your brain to release adrenaline into your blood – the same chemical that gets released as if you were being chased by a lion.

Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you overcome your fear of public speaking:

1. Prepare yourself mentally and physically

According to experts, we’re built to display anxiety and to recognize it in others. If your body and mind are anxious, your audience will notice. Hence, it’s important to prepare yourself before the big show so that you arrive on stage confident, collected and ready.

“Your outside world is a reflection of your inside world. What goes on in the inside, shows on the outside.” – Bob Proctor

Exercising lightly before a presentation helps get your blood circulating and sends oxygen to the brain. Mental exercises, on the other hand, can help calm the mind and nerves. Here are some useful ways to calm your racing heart when you start to feel the butterflies in your stomach:

Warming up

If you’re nervous, chances are your body will feel the same way. Your body gets tense, your muscles feel tight or you’re breaking in cold sweat. The audience will notice you are nervous.

If you observe that this is exactly what is happening to you minutes before a speech, do a couple of stretches to loosen and relax your body. It’s better to warm up before every speech as it helps to increase the functional potential of the body as a whole. Not only that, it increases muscle efficiency, improves reaction time and your movements.

Here are some exercises to loosen up your body before show time:

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  1. Neck and shoulder rolls – This helps relieve upper body muscle tension and pressure as the rolls focus on rotating the head and shoulders, loosening the muscle. Stress and anxiety can make us rigid within this area which can make you feel agitated, especially when standing.
  2. Arm stretches – We often use this part of our muscles during a speech or presentation through our hand gestures and movements. Stretching these muscles can reduce arm fatigue, loosen you up and improve your body language range.
  3. Waist twists – Place your hands on your hips and rotate your waist in a circular motion. This exercise focuses on loosening the abdominal and lower back regions which is essential as it can cause discomfort and pain, further amplifying any anxieties you may experience.

Stay hydrated

Ever felt parched seconds before speaking? And then coming up on stage sounding raspy and scratchy in front of the audience? This happens because the adrenaline from stage fright causes your mouth to feel dried out.

To prevent all that, it’s essential we stay adequately hydrated before a speech. A sip of water will do the trick. However, do drink in moderation so that you won’t need to go to the bathroom constantly.

Try to avoid sugary beverages and caffeine, since it’s a diuretic – meaning you’ll feel thirstier. It will also amplify your anxiety which prevents you from speaking smoothly.

Meditate

Meditation is well-known as a powerful tool to calm the mind. ABC’s Dan Harris, co-anchor of Nightline and Good Morning America weekend and author of the book titled10% Happier , recommends that meditation can help individuals to feel significantly calmer, faster.

Meditation is like a workout for your mind. It gives you the strength and focus to filter out the negativity and distractions with words of encouragement, confidence and strength.

Mindfulness meditation, in particular, is a popular method to calm yourself before going up on the big stage. The practice involves sitting comfortably, focusing on your breathing and then bringing your mind’s attention to the present without drifting into concerns about the past or future – which likely includes floundering on stage.

Here’s a nice example of guided meditation before public speaking:

2. Focus on your goal

One thing people with a fear of public speaking have in common is focusing too much on themselves and the possibility of failure.

Do I look funny? What if I can’t remember what to say? Do I look stupid? Will people listen to me? Does anyone care about what I’m talking about?’

Instead of thinking this way, shift your attention to your one true purpose – contributing something of value to your audience.

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Decide on the progress you’d like your audience to make after your presentation. Notice their movements and expressions to adapt your speech to ensure that they are having a good time to leave the room as better people.

If your own focus isn’t beneficial and what it should be when you’re speaking, then shift it to what does. This is also key to establishing trust during your presentation as the audience can clearly see that you have their interests at heart.[1]

3. Convert negativity to positivity

There are two sides constantly battling inside of us – one is filled with strength and courage while the other is doubt and insecurities. Which one will you feed?

‘What if I mess up this speech? What if I’m not funny enough? What if I forget what to say?’

It’s no wonder why many of us are uncomfortable giving a presentation. All we do is bring ourselves down before we got a chance to prove ourselves. This is also known as a self-fulfilling prophecy – a belief that comes true because we are acting as if it already is. If you think you’re incompetent, then it will eventually become true.

Motivational coaches tout that positive mantras and affirmations tend to boost your confidents for the moments that matter most. Say to yourself: “I’ll ace this speech and I can do it!”

Take advantage of your adrenaline rush to encourage positive outcome rather than thinking of the negative ‘what ifs’.

Here’s a video of Psychologist Kelly McGonigal who encourages her audience to turn stress into something positive as well as provide methods on how to cope with it:

4. Understand your content

Knowing your content at your fingertips helps reduce your anxiety because there is one less thing to worry about. One way to get there is to practice numerous times before your actual speech.

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However, memorizing your script word-for-word is not encouraged. You can end up freezing should you forget something. You’ll also risk sounding unnatural and less approachable.

“No amount of reading or memorizing will make you successful in life. It is the understanding and the application of wise thought that counts.” – Bob Proctor

Many people unconsciously make the mistake of reading from their slides or memorizing their script word-for-word without understanding their content – a definite way to stress themselves out.

Understanding your speech flow and content makes it easier for you to convert ideas and concepts into your own words which you can then clearly explain to others in a conversational manner. Designing your slides to include text prompts is also an easy hack to ensure you get to quickly recall your flow when your mind goes blank.[2]

One way to understand is to memorize the over-arching concepts or ideas in your pitch. It helps you speak more naturally and let your personality shine through. It’s almost like taking your audience on a journey with a few key milestones.

5. Practice makes perfect

Like most people, many of us are not naturally attuned to public speaking. Rarely do individuals walk up to a large audience and present flawlessly without any research and preparation.

In fact, some of the top presenters make it look easy during showtime because they have spent countless hours behind-the-scenes in deep practice. Even great speakers like the late John F. Kennedy would spend months preparing his speech beforehand.

Public speaking, like any other skill, requires practice – whether it be practicing your speech countless of times in front of a mirror or making notes. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect!

6. Be authentic

There’s nothing wrong with feeling stressed before going up to speak in front of an audience.

Many people fear public speaking because they fear others will judge them for showing their true, vulnerable self. However, vulnerability can sometimes help you come across as more authentic and relatable as a speaker.

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Drop the pretence of trying to act or speak like someone else and you’ll find that it’s worth the risk. You become more genuine, flexible and spontaneous, which makes it easier to handle unpredictable situations – whether it’s getting tough questions from the crowd or experiencing an unexpected technical difficulty.

To find out your authentic style of speaking is easy. Just pick a topic or issue you are passionate about and discuss this like you normally would with a close family or friend. It is like having a conversation with someone in a personal one-to-one setting. A great way to do this on stage is to select a random audience member(with a hopefully calming face) and speak to a single person at a time during your speech. You’ll find that it’s easier trying to connect to one person at a time than a whole room.

With that said, being comfortable enough to be yourself in front of others may take a little time and some experience, depending how comfortable you are with being yourself in front of others. But once you embrace it, stage fright will not be as intimidating as you initially thought.

Presenters like Barack Obama are a prime example of a genuine and passionate speaker:

7. Post speech evaluation

Last but not the least, if you’ve done public speaking and have been scarred from a bad experience, try seeing it as a lesson learned to improve yourself as a speaker.

Don’t beat yourself up after a presentation

We are the hardest on ourselves and it’s good to be. But when you finish delivering your speech or presentation, give yourself some recognition and a pat on the back.

You managed to finish whatever you had to do and did not give up. You did not let your fears and insecurities get to you. Take a little more pride in your work and believe in yourself.

Improve your next speech

As mentioned before, practice does make perfect. If you want to improve your public speaking skills, try asking someone to film you during a speech or presentation. Afterwards, watch and observe what you can do to improve yourself next time.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself after every speech:

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  • How did I do?
  • Are there any areas for improvement?
  • Did I sound or look stressed?
  • Did I stumble on my words? Why?
  • Was I saying “um” too often?
  • How was the flow of the speech?

Write everything you observed down and keep practicing and improving. In time, you’ll be able to better manage your fears of public speaking and appear more confident when it counts.

If you want even more tips about public speaking or delivering a great presentation, check out these articles too:

Reference

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