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Published on July 19, 2019

Are You Too Needy In Relationships? 9 Signs You Are And How to Stop

Are You Too Needy In Relationships? 9 Signs You Are And How to Stop

A healthy relationship should make you feel good about yourself. You should feel motivated, loving, and full of life.

But just because you want to be your best self around your partner doesn’t mean that you always will. Sometimes being in a relationship will make you feel self-conscious, anxious, and needy.

Being needy has its ups and downs. Having the occasional bout of need can remind your partner how special they are to you and make your relationship stronger. But unhealthy need can result in jealousy and stress. It can also make your partner feel smothered and cause you to feel like you don’t know who you are anymore.

Loving and needing your partner is a wonderful part of a relationship. But an over-abundance of need can actually do more harm than good.

In this article, I’ll cover the signs of being too needy and how to stop it from sabotaging your relationship.

9 Signs of Neediness

Here are 9 signs that you are being too needy with your spouse and how to stop these toxic behaviors.

1. Losing a Sense of Self

When you are in a relationship, it’s only natural that you want to spend all of your time with your spouse. But there is such a thing as spending too much time together.

If you spend an inordinate amount of time trying to please your spouse, spend time with them, or agree with them, you will begin to lose your identity.

If you would not know who you were if you and your spouse broke up, you are likely too needy.

2. Overreactions are Common

It’s normal for couples to argue every now and again, but it is not normal to have explosive arguments over nothing.

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If your spouse talks to someone of the opposite sex (or preferred gender) and it sends you into a flurry of accusations, it may be time to start rethinking how close you are with your spouse.

3. Always Texting

Couples who text each other all day are adorable, aren’t they? Yes, checking in with your partner via text is a cute and sweet way to let them know that you are thinking about them.

But if your conversation seems one-sided or consists of you sending more than two or three texts in a row without getting a response, you definitely have a problem on your hands.

4. Extreme Jealousy

There is such a thing as a healthy level of jealousy. After all, jealousy is just the heart’s way of reminding you that something is important to you.

Feelings of jealousy should be used as a gentle reminder to cherish your partner – not as a catalyst to freak out on or control them.

5. Never Missing Each Other

You never miss each other because you are never apart. You have all the same friends and don’t spend a moment apart. This is not a healthy behavior.

Healthy relationships happen when two people are still able to maintain some level of independence.

Having your own hobbies and friendships that bring you joy will help you from being overly needy in your romantic relationship.

6. Social Media Stalking

Jealousy and neediness become unhealthy when they lead you to have frequent anxiety over what your spouse is doing when you are not around.

Instead of working on developing deeper bonds of trust – a quality which is essential for a happy relationship – you use your neediness as an excuse to social media stalk your spouse. You rage against or manipulate your partner into giving you the password for all of their online accounts just to settle your own worries.

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This is very unhealthy, toxic relationship behavior.

7. Moving Way Too Fast

Being needy is often a sign of low self-esteem.

When you are insecure, you quickly attach yourself to your partner. This often leads to moving too fast sexually and maybe even moving in together after only a couple of weeks.

If things are moving quicker than normal in your relationship, it could be a sign that you are being overly needy.

8. A Desperate Need of Constant Reassurance

“I’m so ugly,” you say.

“Don’t say that,” your partner coos. “You’re beautiful!”

Your spouse is always quick to jump to your defense or give you genuine compliments. But no matter how many times your spouse reassures you of their love for your, their attraction to your, or their loyalty to your relationship, you never believe them.

This need for constant reassurance can be draining and damaging to your relationship.

9. Feeling Depressed When Not Being Together

It’s normal to miss your partner if they go away for the weekend without you. But falling into a deep depression or anxiety-filled panic attack at the thought of being away from your partner for an extended period of time is no healthy. This is definitely a sign that you are too needy in your relationship.

You need to start working on yourself and focus on your needs as an individual, not in a couple.

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How to Get Over Relationship Neediness

Being needy is not something you can get over in a single day. It is deep-rooted behavior and like any bad habit, it will take hard work, time, and determination to fix.

Here are three tips for banishing unhealthy neediness from your relationship for good.

Work on Healthy Communication

Good communication is the backbone of a great relationship. It’s how couples learn to work as a team, resolve arguments in a healthy manner, and get to know one another on a deeper level.

If being needy is ruining your relationship, you need to start learning how to express yourself in other ways. Practice talking to your partner. Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements so that they do not feel like they have to be defensive when speaking to you.

Explain your insecurities to your spouse so that they can have empathy for you and understand better why you are reacting to situations in a certain way.

This is sure to strengthen your relationship.

Take a Social Media Break

Social media can be very damaging to our mental health. Studies show that those who spend time on social media tend to have more issues with mental health than those who do not.[1] Not only is this due to the high number of social media accounts (fitness, celebrity, couples) that present an unrealistic and unattainable view of life, but also because they open a window into your partner’s past.

Stalking your spouse’s ex online can drive you into a never-ending web of jealousy and low self-esteem. Watching your spouse interact on social media can also make you endlessly nervous, suspicious, and paranoid about what may be going on behind your back.

Even if your partner has never given you a reason to distrust them, you may still find yourself feeling rotten when you’re online.

Do yourself a favor and take a social media break for a week and see how much better you feel. If your neediness or controlling behavior have lessened over the week, consider jumping off the social media bandwagon for good. Not only will this better your relationship, but it will also improve your mental health.

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Go to Counseling

Couples therapy can be incredibly helpful in banishing toxic neediness from your relationship. Your counselor will help you work through communication issues and discuss any past experiences that may be causing the distrust in your relationship.

MidAmerica Nazarene University surveyed 1000 couples who were either engaged, married, or divorced to learn more about marriage counseling and how effective it is.[2] Results revealed that 49 percent of participants had attended some form of counseling as a couple, with millennials most likely to attend therapy. A staggering 71 percent of participants said that counseling was either helpful or very helpful for their marriage.[3]

Taking an online marriage course can also be helpful, as it will teach you healthy communication techniques that you can use to talk to your spouse instead of having a toxic, needy reaction to certain circumstances.

Going to solo counseling can also be highly beneficial for helping you get to the root of the problem in your relationship or with yourself. Your therapist can help you develop healthy relationship habits and find your true self.

Final Thoughts

Don’t let neediness ruin a good thing in your relationship.

Your spouse deserves your trust and the freedom to have a healthy social life without you always being by their side. Letting go also helps you to live a happier life.

Improve your mental health by banishing needy tendencies for good.

Featured photo credit: Candice Picard via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] National Center for Health Research: Social Media and Adolescents’ and Young Adults’ Mental Health
[2] Marriage: Marriage Counseling for Couples
[3] MNU: 1000 couples

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Sylvia Smith

Sylvia is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt its principles in their relationships.

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Last Updated on October 22, 2019

How to Get “I Can’t Do It” Out of Your Vocabulary

How to Get “I Can’t Do It” Out of Your Vocabulary

When someone says, “I can’t do it” . . . I say to myself, “What do you mean you can’t do it?” Maybe you don’t want to do it, but saying you “can’t” do it is a completely different story.

With the right mindset, positive attitude, and a clear vision of what you want to accomplish, the only thing that is holding you back is yourself.

Can’t is a terrible word and it has to be taken out of your vocabulary.

By saying you can’t do something, you’re already doubting yourself, submitting to defeat, and you’re making that barrier around your life tighter.

So today, right now, we are going to remove this word for good.

From now on there is nothing we can’t do.

“Attitude is Tattoo”

Your attitude is everything; it’s your reason, your why and how, your facial expression, emotions, body language, and potentially the end result. How you approach an opportunity, and the result of it, is solely based on you — not your boss or your co-worker or friend.

If you enter a business meeting with a sour attitude, that negative energy can spread like wildfire. People can also feel it — maybe even taste it. This is not an impression you want to leave.

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Now imagine you enter a business meeting with a positive attitude, that whatever happens in here is going to be your result, in your control, not someone else’s. Of course, we can’t always win, but even if the outcome is negative, your attitude and perception can turn it into a positive. The question is: can you do it?

Of course you can, because there is nothing in this world you can’t do.

It’s much better to be known for your positive attitude — your poise, your energy, the reason why things go so well because you are able to maintain such character. A negative attitude is easy. It’s easy to complain, it’s easy to be mad, and it’s even easier to do nothing to change it.

When I say your “attitude is tattoo”, it sounds permanent. Tattoos can be removed, but that’s not the point. Your attitude is like a tattoo because you wear it. People can see it and sometimes, they will judge you on it. If you maintain a negative attitude, then it is permanent until you change it.

Change your attitude and I guarantee the results change as well.

Believe You Can Do It

Do you know why most people say “can’t” and doubt themselves before trying anything?

It’s our lack of self-confidence and fear on many different levels. The one thing we have to purge from ourselves is fear — fear of bad results, fear of change, fear of denial, fear of loss, the fear that makes us worry and lose sleep. Worrying is the same as going outside with an umbrella, waiting for rain to hit it. Stop worrying and move on.

Confidence is fragile: It builds up slowly, but can shatter like glass. Project your confidence and energy into believing in yourself. This is a very important and groundbreaking step — one that is usually the hardest to take. Start telling yourself you can do something, anything, and you will do it the best to your ability. Remove doubt, remove fear, and stick with positive energy.

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Embrace Failure

Do not fear failure. Do not run away from it. Face it, learn from it, grow, and take action. Just remember: You will never know success if you have never failed.

Your confidence will bolster after embracing these facts. You will be immune to demoralizing results, and instead you will find ways to fix it, improve upon it, and make it better than before. You will learn to never say “can’t,” and will realize how many more opportunities you can create by removing that one word.

Don’t let one simple and ugly word plague your confidence. You’re better and stronger than that.

Start Making the Change

But to actually start the process of change is very challenging.

Why is that?

Fear? Time? Don’t know how — or where — to start?

It’s hard because what we’re doing is unlearning what we know. We are used to doing things a certain way, and chances are we’ve been doing them for years.

So here are some ways that I avoid using the word “can’t”, and actually take the steps to put forth the change that I wish to see. I hope you can incorporate these methods into your life.

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Write down What You Want to Change

Write it on post-its, notecards, whatever makes you comfortable — something you will always see. I usually write mine on post-its and put them all over the wall behind my monitor so I always see them.

Tell a Friend and Talk About It

Discussing your goals, what you want to change, is very effective when you say it out loud and tell another person other than yourself. It’s almost like saying, hey, I bet I can do it — watch me.

When you fulfill that goal and tell your friend, it feels rewarding and will motivate you to do it again in a different aspect. Who knows? Maybe your friend adopts the same mindset as you.

Stop Yourself from Saying the Forbidden Word

Sometimes,I can’t control myself in public when I’m with friends, so I have to be careful with the words I use so I don’t embarrass or insult anyone.

Treat the word “can’t” as the worst word you can possibly use. Stop yourself from saying it, mid-sentence if you must, and turn your whole perspective around — you can do it, you will do it, and nothing is impossible!

Repetition, Repetition, Repetition

You think this change will be overnight? No way. This is a practice. Something you’re going to be doing for the rest of your life from now until forever.

As I said earlier, you are unlearning what you know. You know how easy it is to say you can’t do something, so by unlearning this easy practice, you’re self-disciplining yourself to live without boundaries.

Practice this everyday, a little at a time, and before you know it, the word can’t will not be part of your language.

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Do Anything That Can Relieve Your Uncertainty

When I catch myself saying I can’t do something or I don’t know something, looking up information on that action or subject, doing research, educating yourself, relieves that uncertainty.

Sometimes, we think we can’t do something because the whole idea of it seems too large. We skip the small steps in our head and only focus on the end.

Before you say you can’t do something, rewind and slow down a little bit. Focus on what the first step is, then the next. Take it a step at a time, and before you know it you will have done something you previously thought you couldn’t do.

Final Thoughts

You know what you must do. The first step is right now. Once you begin this habit, and really start noticing some change, you’ll realize the door to opportunity is everywhere.

The funny thing is: Those doors have always been there. The evil word that we no longer use put a veil over our eyes because that’s how powerful that word is.

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Featured photo credit: Cata via unsplash.com

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