Advertising
Advertising

6 True Struggles of Interracial Relationships (and How to Overcome Them)

6 True Struggles of Interracial Relationships (and How to Overcome Them)

How do you navigate the additional battles experienced with interracial relationships? What are the pitfalls you need to know about?

Being in charge of your emotions will definitely help reduce interracial tension, however, it’s best to put preventative measures in place so you don’t find yourself overreacting unnecessarily.

This article details 6 of the true struggles experienced by interracial couples and what you can do to prevent them.

How would your life change if it was easy to enjoy your choice of partner?

1. Your interracial relationship is very likely to involve two different value systems.

According to Dr. Sidney Simon (author of Values Clarification), different value systems can easily cause conflict in a relationship. If what matters most to one person doesn’t matter to the other, the relationship isn’t sustainable in the long term.

For example, Lina is an Asian woman married to an Australian named Steven. Since most Australians value a relaxed lifestyle, Lina finds it hard to understand why her husband doesn’t want to be a business owner. In Asian culture, wealth creation is more important than relaxation.

In this case, Lina’s top value is wealth creation, whereas Steven doesn’t think wealth creation is very important at all. Consequently, this interracial couple frequently experiences tension due to conflicting values.

How to overcome this struggle?

Lina and Steven would be well-advised to accept and respect their different value systems.

Lina could start her own business and allow Steven to focus his attention on whatever makes him happy. While sharing a common direction is ideal, a couple doesn’t have to connect with each other through career goals.

Advertising

In other words, interracial couples can connect with each other through their shared interests, and respect and accept their differences.

2. There can be many unhealthy assumptions between interracial partners.

When you are in an interracial relationship, it’s important not to assume that your partner likes something because of their race or ethnicity.

For instance, constantly talking about curry may make your Indian partner feel offended. Your assumption that Indian people love curry can easily appear to be a stereotype. Or dating a German and constantly bringing him (or her) beer and sausages. When your German date doesn’t drink alcohol and is a health-conscious vegetarian.

How to overcome this struggle?

Curiosity is always key. Be genuinely curious about your partner without making assumptions.

Discover your partner’s interests and view of the world so you can enjoy every interaction you have.

3. Many interracial couples shy away from hot topics like racism.

It’s a fact that racism exists in our world, but most people don’t want to talk about it. Many interracial couples think that their love for each other will make racism irrelevant.

However, racial discrimination can be a real problem when a partner’s family doesn’t accept their spouse. Many mixed ethnicity couples try to ignore or brush off disparaging remarks and awkwardness. However, this may cause communication breakdown and problems in the future.

How to overcome this struggle?

When dating and forming a relationship, communication is paramount. This is especially true in interracial dating when a partner comes from a different background. Make sure that whenever there is an issue you address it immediately.

If your partner’s family members don’t accept you or vice versa, you need to honestly discuss how you feel with your partner and validate each other’s feelings.

Advertising

If you take a resistant or defensive stance, then you will only cause more friction and tension. Challenging people’s beliefs tends to lead to arguments and heartache.

Past generations tend to be fixed in their customs and beliefs. This can make it difficult for them to view your interracial relationship through a different and more liberating lens.[1]

Look for specific teachings within your ethnicity. Sharing common beliefs with others will go a long way toward accepting your choice in partner.

4. Boundaries in your relationship may disappear.

When feeling judged as an interracial couple, couples often become closer to each other. However, this may also lead to lack of boundaries in a relationship.

A case in point is thinking because they have shared everything, they also need to check each other’s phones. This can be a recipe for disaster because individual posts and messages can easily be misunderstood and taken out of context.

Digital boundaries are of vital importance in today’s day and age.

Dr. Henry Cloud (author of Boundaries in Marriage) states that setting boundaries is often an online process in a relationship. Yes, when the two of you are fighting against people’s judgement, you are a real team. But it doesn’t mean you should have access to each other’s email Inbox, Facebook passwords, and so on.

How to overcome this struggle?

Any time you feel a compelling need to control someone else’s behavior, it indicates that you’re emotionally triggered and are out of alignment with yourself.

If there is a problem in your relationship, deal with the problem instead of checking your partner’s text messages. Many marriage counsellors claim that they have never seen a couple who solved their problems by looking at each other’s phones or social media messages.

Advertising

When you feel yourself needing to check your partner’s phone, simply ask yourself:

‘Is there an issue in my relationship now, or am I simply feeling out of sorts?’

This question will reveal what really matters – that you need to get back into balance by resolving the triggered emotion. Your best and wisest actions will always come from an internal state of calm.

5. Some interracial couples allow others’ opinions to affect their wellbeing.

Many couples care about others’ opinions, especially when these people are their friends. Unfortunately, not every friend will understand why you are dating someone from a different race. This can be hard to accept and may create a problem between you which didn’t exist previously.

Statistics show that at the end of their lives, most people don’t regret listening to others’ opinions.[2] As a matter of fact, most people only regret not listening to their own inner guidance.

Taking on board other peoples’ opinions can cause you to feel emotionally triggered, which can then affect your ability to effectively communicate with your partner.

How to overcome this struggle?

If someone judges you for choosing a partner of a different race and ethnicity, it doesn’t mean that person isn’t worth knowing. Instead of taking these comments to heart, resolve your own triggered emotions first. Remember that other people’s opinions matter much less than your own sense of wellbeing.

When someone is emotionally triggered, they may make rash or irrational comments which are completely out of character. People can become so fixated on mentally analyzing their own busy life that they lose the mental bandwidth to think before they speak.

Reset yourself into a state of calm whenever you feel triggered. This will immediately make you less influenced by other people’s opinions.

Advertising

6. Some individuals dating people from another race feel superior in their relationship.

If you are an individual who is dating someone of a different race, it doesn’t mean you dislike your own race.[3] It is more likely to mean that you’re open to finding the best qualities in a person, and don’t have preconceived ideas about race or ethnicity.

Having said that, not every interracial relationship is stable as you can’t guarantee that your new partner’s viewpoint is as healthy as your own.

Your partner might say something like, “Ha, now you can hang out with a White boy with money”. Yes, sometimes, it can be a joke with no malice intended. But if your partner’s tonality and body language indicate they’re not joking, then perhaps you should rethink your relationship compatibility.

How to overcome this struggle?

Acting out with superior comments tends to be more common in interracial dating and is generally due to other factors mentioned above, which trigger unwanted emotions. If you are the person making superior comments, you may want to ask yourself why you need to have this stance. What’s the real problem that you’re not dealing with?

Feeling superior in a relationship doesn’t make an individual racist. However, frequently making superior comments usually indicates that someone is feeling insecure and needs to deal with their own emotional triggers to come back into balance.

Final Thoughts

These 6 real struggles of interracial relationships can be challenging, although in many cases easy to eradicate. Make sure you put the right strategies in place as mentioned above, to prevent problems before they occur.

We live in a world where everyone can find true love from any race. As you focus on being the best version of yourself, you will naturally feel more confident and at ease when relating with others.

Featured photo credit: cindy baffour via unsplash.com

Reference

More by this author

Jacqui Olliver

Psychosexual Relationship Specialist

How to Be a Better Lover and Spice Up Your Relationship How to Make Long Distance Relationships Work for You Why Boundaries in Marriage Are Good for Your Relationship Signs You’re in a Loveless Marriage (And How to Cope with It) How to Save a Marriage That Is Falling Apart

Trending in Social Animal

1 How to Use the Law of Reciprocity for Effective Persuasion 2 What Will Happen When You Surround Yourself With Positive People? 3 How to Surround Yourself With Positive People 4 How to Create Social Goals to Make an Impact in the World 5 The Lifehack Show: Improving Social Skills with Dr. Daniel Wendler

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on May 28, 2020

10 Success Principles for Living Your Dream Life

10 Success Principles for Living Your Dream Life

Are you stressed out and overwhelmed, wishing you had more time to do the things that really matter? Are you ready to do something better, something special in your life or your career?

You were born with a gift that no one else in the world can express like you. When you dance to your own music, you naturally develop your innate abilities and excel in work and life. You are a total rock star. But when you live someone else’s idea of who you should be, it throws off your groove.

Many people—maybe you—stopped following their dreams way too early in life because their talents were ignored, minimized, or shamed. They didn’t have the chops to win an American Idol competition or nab an Olympic gold medal, so they stopped expressing their inborn gifts altogether.

You don’t need to be an award winner to rock your life. Living your dream life is about discovering your superpowers and feeling vibrant and joyful when you use them. It’s about owning what makes you unique and finding like-minded people to support you.

Here are 10 success principles to help you live a rich and rewarding life on your terms that have worked with thousands of people in my workshops and will work for you, too.

1. Get a Hobby to Move Closer to Your Dreams

If you never became a professional dancer or a world-renowned author, it does NOT mean you should stop dancing or writing! These activities make you come alive, even if you “only” do them as favorite pastimes.

Engaging in a hobby is one of the most important success principles you can follow to move closer to your dreams.

When you try something creative for the first time or in a long while, you begin to see opportunities at work and in life that you were unaware of before. You also feel happier and more energized, according to a recent study from New Zealand.[1]

Some of my most burned-out executive clients reinvigorated their careers by discovering a creative outlet that refueled them after the workday ended. Research at San Francisco State University shows that having a hobby lowers stress and helps you succeed at work.[2]

So, give yourself permission to try new things and revisit old passions you gave up long ago. Setting aside just one hour a week for personal exploration can significantly change your life.

Who knows? Your creative outlet could transform into a thriving business or lead to a new profession down the road.

Advertising

2. Focus on Your Strengths, Not Your Weaknesses

Did you know that you are more likely to succeed when you develop your natural strengths rather than work on your weaknesses? The problem is that you probably don’t know where your true talents lie.

Here are a few options to help you discover your unique strengths. You can:

  • Take the VIA Character Strengths Survey[3]
  • Try Gallup’s CliftonStrengths Assessment[4]
  • Answer a few Superpower Questions

Once you understand what makes you tick, you can use these skills at work and your personal life to get more done in less time. If you boost your unique abilities through practice and study, you can accelerate your career and become a leader in a field that matters to you. It’s worth investing in yourself this way.

3. Jumping off a Cliff is NOT Required

Here’s the deal: most people are too afraid to change. When participants first come to my workshops, they tell me they have mouths to feed, bills to pay, and fear that if they follow their dreams, someone will get hurt.

The old saying “leap and the net shall appear” does not comfort them. Because they are hesitant to plunge into the unknown, they believe their only option is to stay put where they are in life. Can you relate?

You do not have to sacrifice the life you have now to start a new one. I was a psychology professor by day and singer by night for years before I transitioned into a full-time music career.

Just take a little time out each week to do what enlivens you through a hobby, volunteer work, etc. Get a feel for it.

Is it what you really want? If so, increase the time you spend doing it and make the transition when the time feels right.

4. Give Your Inner Critic Some Love

The main culprit that keeps you from stepping outside your comfort zone and getting the life of your dreams is KCRP or K-CRAP – the radio station that plays 24/7 in your head. The moment you try to do something interesting with your life it slaps you down with such chart-topping killer hooks as “Who do you think you are?” and “You’ll never be good enough!”.

Have you ever noticed that KCRP’s mean-spirited DJ sounds like your parents, teachers, bosses, and other authority figures who shut you down creatively? These folks don’t need to stifle you any longer (although they often still do) because your inner critic does it for them. That keeps you stuck in a rut.

To break free, try thinking of this DJ as a gruff old grandfather who gives you crap to keep you safe. Remember, this grumpy grandpa is woefully out of touch with the times. So, his stern opinions don’t really matter much, do they? Give him a pat on the back for his good intentions, and put your focus back on what makes you come alive.

Advertising

This success principle will give you the courage to venture into the unknown where you can dance to the beat of your own drummer.

5. Embrace Your Inner Weirdo

Many of us don’t go after our dreams because we’re afraid folks will find out how odd or strange we are. But our little eccentricities often turn out to be our greatest strengths. Yes, it’s good to be quirky.

Odds are, you lost track of your true passions and talents before you were even old enough to know you were getting off-track. You became slowly “adulterated” by learning to:

  • Take on family roles that don’t match who you really are.
  • Spit back what teachers taught you in school rather than risk getting bad grades for being original.
  • Hide parts of yourself that don’t seem acceptable to certain social groups.

The price for fitting in is that you may wind up leading a life that doesn’t fit you all that well. Your true calling becomes clear when you embrace what makes you different from others and allow yourself to stand out from the crowd, even if it feels awkward.

Often, the very qualities you view as your flaws are your greatest gifts.

6. See the Bigger Picture to Find Your True Calling

I cannot stress the importance of this success principle enough. Your true calling is right in front of you. But you may miss it because you’re looking for it in the wrong place.

To “see” it clearly, try widening your point of view.

Case in point: Maria felt she needed to retire early from being a police detective, so she could travel abroad. I encouraged Maria to think of ways that she could continue to serve as a law enforcer (a career she loved) and travel overseas at the same time.

A few months later, Maria landed a job with the United Nations in Bosnia training the local police force to understand and embrace human rights procedures.

Like Maria, you are an everyday rock star capable of accomplishing greater things than you can imagine. Is what you’re looking for right in front of you, too? Do you have an inkling of what it may be?

Look beyond your day-to-day activities, your current job, and even the town you live in. View your life from an eagle’s perspective and be open to new possibilities.

Advertising

7. Try a Little Wish-List Magic

Pretend I’m your fairy godmother and I give you permission right now to be your most magnificent self. What kind of life would be music to your ears? It doesn’t matter whether it seems unattainable or even downright crazy. Write it down on a wish list.

Get quiet. Be honest. Think big.

What would you like your career, your relationships, your health, your finances, and your spiritual life to be like? Jot down enough details so that your wishes seem tangible to you. Then, look at this list every morning before you start your day and every night before you go to sleep.

Sounds silly? It’s not. It works! Permitting yourself to daydream about a rich and fulfilling life is the first step to manifesting it.

8. Take Breaks to Get Clues About Your Ideal Future

Did you know that working straight through to a deadline leads to diminishing returns? Research shows that taking a break for 15 minutes every 75 to 90 minutes can help you recharge, refresh your focus, and get more done in less time.[5]

Wait, it gets better! A Stanford study shows that walking increases your creative output increases by 60 percent. Doing repetitive activities such as walking, running, riding your bike, swimming, and sweeping allow solutions to problems to pop into your mind out of nowhere.[6]

What does this success principle have to do with creating your dream life?

These mini-breaks allow you to get vital clues for what to do next to attain your ideal future. Plus, you won’t waste precious time and energy getting lost in other people’s agendas.

9. Take Action on Your Inspired Ideas

Once an inspired thought pops into your mind, take action.

This is one of the most powerful success principles for turning your dreams into reality; the sooner the better. Whatever it is—from calling an old friend to taking a new route home—be sure to do it!

Pay attention to your oddball hunches. You need to go after what you want, not just dream about it. As comedian Jim Carrey warns,

Advertising

“You can’t just visualize and go eat a sandwich.”

10. Count Your Rockstar Moments

Still not sure you have what it takes to get your dream life? This final success principle is guaranteed to help.

Make a list of everything you’ve ever accomplished. As you read back through it, put a star next to each item, and let it sink in.

You’ll be pleasantly surprised by how good you’ll feel about yourself afterward. You’ll also see how effective you’ve been in the past at getting what you want. You’ve succeeded before, you can succeed again.

You already rock. You just need to own it. Trust me, you’ve got this!

Final Thoughts

Eleanor Roosevelt said,

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”

Following these success principles will help you find the time and energy to do the things that really matter and live with clear intention.

By spending just one hour a week doing something you love, focusing on your strengths and achievements, embracing what makes you different, and acting on inspired ideas, you can create a life that is a perfect fit for you, step-by-step.

If you don’t have a clue about what your dream life could look like yet, don’t worry. Your heart knows. It has been “talking” to you for a long time. It’s just being muffled by KCRP, buried under a lot of “shoulds” and fear.

This article can also help you figure out the life you truly want to live: How to Get Motivated and Be Happy Every Day When You Wake Up.

Stand still, get quiet, and listen. It’s constantly telling you what you need to do to realize your own rockstar potential. It may be just a whisper now, but the more you pay attention to it, the louder it will get, and the easier it will be to follow.

More About Success in Life

Featured photo credit: Rahul Dey via unsplash.com

Reference

Read Next