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How Divorce Affects Children: The Good and the Not So Good

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How Divorce Affects Children: The Good and the Not So Good

Wonder how divorce affects children? And how can divorce ever be good for a child?

Divorce can be good if there is emotional, physical, or substance abuse going on in the home. If a divorce can remove the child from an abusive parent, then divorce can be a good thing.

In most cases though, it’s not that simple.

In this article, we will look into the effects divorce has on children, and what parents can do to protect and support their children.

When Is Divorce Good?

Divorce can be good if there is emotional, physical, or substance abuse going on in the home. If a divorce can remove the child from an abusive parent, then divorce can be a good thing.

In most cases though, it’s not that easy.

Sometimes, even when one parent believes abuse is occurring by the other parent, custody is shared equally because of a judge’s decision.

Divorce is complicated and usually icky. It also does not remove the other parent from the situation automatically. It is a difficult road, but if there is abuse and the abuser refuses to change and seek help, then a divorce to protect the child may be wise.

Consider all angles of help and solutions before you head for divorce court though, because a divorce means that you may not have to live in the same household as the other person, but that is not necessarily true for your child.

Think of solutions and ways to get help for your family so you can heal, rather than run from the problem. Because you may indeed be sending your child to a bad situation in which you have zero control. The parent with the abusive problems may not change and you are sending your child to their home without your protection. That’s the unfortunate thing about divorce.

You can divorce the person from yourself, but you can’t always stop their contact with the kids, even if they are abusive. Seek legal help if the abuse is affecting your children and the person refuses to seek help or change. But, be aware that your battle is just beginning. Things may get worse before they get better. Do what is best for the child in the long term.

If you are already divorced, skip down to “The Good News for the Divorced Parents”.

The Good News for the Divorced Parents

If you are the part of the 50% of the population that has gotten divorced, know that you are not alone. Half of all marriages result in divorce. This isn’t the good news.

The good news is that up to 80% of kids exhibit zero negative effects from the divorce of their parents, according to a research study by Michael Lamb.[1]

That means that 20% will have issues when a divorce occurs. There is help and support for those who are a part of that 20%, so there is hope for you and your child.

Just keep reading to learn more and find ways to get the help your child may need.

What is Most Important to a Child of Divorced Parents?

Research, including that by Michael Lamb, shows that what’s most important to a child’s adjustment to divorce are:

  • The quality of the relationships the child has with their parents
  • The quality of the relationship of the parents following the divorce
  • The resources and support provided in the situation

These three factors make a difference on whether your child can be a part of the 80% of the population of children from divorced homes who are able to successfully adjust.

Parent-Child Relationships Following Divorce

When a divorce has occurred, the quality of the relationship between the parent and child will have an enormous impact on how a child copes with the divorce. The way that a parent reacts following a divorce matters.

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Parents who make the effort to have quality time with their child following a divorce are helping their child adjust to the divorce. Parents who move on with their lives with little regard for their children and the time they spend with them, will likely result in their children having problems adjusting to the divorce.

When maladjustment occurs (which is 20% of the population of children in divorce situations) the most common problems exhibited are (in no particular order):

  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Behavior Problems
  • Anger, angry outburst, problems controlling anger
  • Physical violence toward others
  • Lower grades in school compared to pre-divorce
  • Substance abuse
  • Incarceration
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Feelings of guilt, shame, and blame (thinking the divorce is their fault)
  • Decline in health
  • Social problems

Parents who make the effort to have quality time with their child following a divorce are helping their child adjust to the situation.

Loving your child is not enough when it comes to divorce. Your actions matter. Make the effort to help your child through the divorce by spending quality time with them and fostering a positive parent-child relationship.

An Example of Good Parent-Child Relationships

For example, a child named Kate is 7 years old and is an only child. She has experienced the divorce of her parents. She adjusted to the situation well though.

The parents shared equal custody of Kate and they put in a great deal of effort to provide quality parenting time with Kate. Kate was able to get more one-on-one time and attention from each parent.

When she spent time at her Mom’s home, her Mom made an effort to do weekly cooking with Kate, so they could share the experience together and Kate could learn some cooking skills. Her Mom kept up with Kate’s piano lessons and took her to her scheduled karate classes, as did her Dad.

Both parents sought to spend time with Kate helping her process the divorce while still getting plenty of time and positive attention.

Both parents also maintained good discipline. They did not absolve consequences when she misbehaved because they felt bad about the divorce. Instead, both knew that discipline was important to maintaining Kate’s sense of structure and guidance in their homes.

Their extra efforts made Kate feel loved and cared for following the divorce. She may not have wanted her parents to separate and divorce, but the love, care, and quality time she is getting from both of her parents has helped her transition.

It is the consistency from both parents in providing love, quality time, structure, guidance, and discipline in their homes that has helped Kate adjust well to the divorce.

An Example of a Bad Parent-Child Relationship

Now look at the example of Eric. Eric’s parents divorced when he was 12. He too is an only child. His mother has retained custody and his father has visitation.

Eric goes to visit with his dad every other weekend. His dad has moved in with another woman. With his dad’s focus being on this new woman and that relationship, the visits Eric has with his dad leave him feeling dejected.

He yearns for time and attention from his dad. He is pained that his parents are no longer together and secretly wants them back together. With this new woman taking his dad’s attention, Eric resents this new woman in his dad’s life.

The visits become more and more strained until Eric no longer wants to visit his dad. His dad, feeling that Eric should be able to make the choice for himself about when he should see him, lets him off the hook. He doesn’t put pressure on Eric and their visits become less and less often.

Meanwhile, Eric feels rejected by his dad, who never even tries to convince him to come visit when he cancels. Eric’s relational problem with his dad causes anger to rise in him. He acts out at school more and has gotten into several fights at school.

His mom is doing her best, but she can’t force Eric’s dad to provide the attention that Eric needs. His dad loves him, but the quality of the time they have spent together following the divorce is less than mediocre.

The lack of a quality relationship and time with his dad has led to problems in Eric’s life including uncontrolled anger, resentment, and anxiety.

His adjustment to the divorce has not been good because of the failure on his dad’s part to make an effort to maintain a quality relationship. Eric’s mom is looking to get him in to see a counselor to deal with his anger, resentment, and anxiety.

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The Relationship Between the Parents Following Divorce

The quality of the relationship between the parents matters too following a divorce. The ability for both individuals to cooperatively parent their child matters greatly and affects the adjustment of their child following a divorce.

If the parents continue to argue, yell, and scream at one another when they interact following a divorce, then the child is going to be affected. It causes anxiety, depression, anger, and sadness (among other things) to have parents who cannot communicate well following a divorce.

Disagreements are likely to happen following a divorce. Parents each have their own household, their own rules, and their own way of doing things. This will lead to disagreements in parenting.

How the disagreements are handled matters. Parents who are divorced must make an extra effort to use good conflict resolution skills. The ability for parents to have civil and kind relationships with their ex using good communication skills makes a difference in their child’s adjustment to divorce.

An Example of Divorced Parents Who Get Along

Pam and Matt got divorced a year ago. While they were married, they argued and yelled a great deal in front of their kids.

Following the divorce, they went to counseling to work on their conflict resolution skills. They have both made an effort to not resort to yelling. They communicate primarily though texts regarding the children and both make and effort to keep the messages kind, about the children, and solution oriented.

They know that they can’t avoid speaking or seeing one another completely if they want their children to adjust to the situation. Therefore, they make an effort when they see one another at baseball games and other activities with the kids that they talk kindly to one another.

They don’t choose to ignore one another. Instead, they keep conversations on a surface level in public and maintain positive interactions in front of the kids.

They had some issues come up with the kid’s schedule and a need for change. Pam wanted to switch their schedule to week on and week off so that her workplace could better accommodate her schedule. The every other day schedule was not working well for her workplace.

Matt instantly balked at the idea of change. However, rather than argue he asked for her reasons and said he would keep an open mind. Matt decided to agree to the schedule change, as it was more than just helping Pam out. It was allowing for Pam to have more time at home with the kids during her scheduled weeks with them. This way, she wouldn’t have to worry about working while the kids were at her home.

Doing what is in the best interest of the kids and getting along together is important to both Pam and Matt. Their efforts to work on having positive conflict resolution skills has helped their children adjust to the divorce.

The kids no longer experience yelling matches between their parents. They are also no longer subjected to public arguments, which the couple had done while they were married.

They maintain positive, kind, and polite communications in public for the sake of their kids and the long term parenting relationship between their ex spouse.

Nobody wins in a situation of divorce, but you can get along. Matt and Pam are an example of a couple who are making the effort to get along for the sake of their kids.

They couldn’t make their marriage work, but they have set up new boundaries and learned better conflict resolution skills that have made their co-parenting relationship work well.

Not only is it working well, but the kids no longer experience the yelling, screaming, and arguing that they had in the past.

An Example of Divorced Parents Who Are Doing It Wrong

Mick and Jane were married for eight years. They have two children together. They both cheated during the marriage. They both have moved on with new relationships.

The cheating and new relationships aren’t the real problem though. The real problem that is affecting the children is how Mick and Jane treat one another in front of the children. The interactions, although few these days, are hostile, angry, and terse. The conversations tend to end with one person walking away because they can’t seem to agree on anything.

The lawyers are making a good deal of money on this situation because Mick and Jane want to go back to court for every issue including who gets the kids at Christmas, what school the kids should attend, should they be allowed to ride the school bus, and should the kids be allowed to spend time at their grandparents.

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Everything in their kid’s lives becomes a topic of debate. Not only between Mick and Jane, but also between their attorneys. Mick and Jane don’t make any efforts to keep these matters private either. Instead, they put the kids in the middle.

For example, Jane told the kids that she has a trip to Disney World planned for them at Christmas and their dad won’t let them go. In reality that is his scheduled time. However, Jane says it is the only time she was able to get off from work.

The battles are constant. In the mix of it all are two young children, ages 5 and 7. They hear the arguments, they feel the tension, and they are not adjusting well to the divorce. The 5 year old has begun to wet the bed and suck her thumb again. The 7 year old has become sullen and angry. He is acting out at school and at both homes.

The parents blame one another for the problems their children are having, rather than working to help their children. This family is spiraling down into more problems for both children.

They aren’t getting the help they need from their parents or a professional. They are witnessing arguments and battles between parents that they should never experience.

Mick and Jane are an example of parents who are failing at co-parenting. They are both so fixated on themselves and “winning” with their attorneys at the sake of their children. Their children are the ones who will suffer the most.

Children don’t get to re-do their childhood. The pain, anger, and suffering these children are experiencing will not change until their parents change their ways and all of them get the help and counseling they need.

How to Co-Parent Successfully

Parents who can’t get along after a divorce are setting up their children to be a part of the 20% of kids of divorce who don’t adjust well. They will develop problems socially, mentally, and/or physically that can’t be easily fixed.

The worse the co-parenting relationship, the worse it is for the kids. Parents and their ability to co-parent healthily matters to their kids mental, physical, and social well-being now and into the future.

If you are divorced and have issues co-parenting, read the article Coparenting 101: 17 Helpful Strategies for Divorced Parents. You will find tips on how to start co-parenting more successfully starting today.

If you struggle to get along with your ex, find a counselor or mediator who can help you develop a better co-parent relationship.

Resources & Support for Divorced Parents

The parent-child and parent-parent relationships following divorce affect a child and their adjustment to life and their new situation. These two factors are the most important when it comes to children surviving divorce successfully and adjusting in a healthy manner.

The third component that affects children and their adjustment to a divorce is the support provided in their situation. This is the support outside of their parents. Are the kids getting the counseling that they need? Every child who goes through the divorce of their parents should get help from a counselor, support group, or professional trained to assist children in adjusting to divorce.

Divorce Care 4 Kids is an organization that hosts groups all around the world for kids who experience the divorce of their parents. These groups are low cost and often free. The classes are typically 13 weeks total, meeting once a week. The groups help children adjust to divorce and address such topics as the divorce not being the child’s fault, emotions they may be feeling, and how to communicate with their parents about the divorce.

Go to their website and type in your zip code or country (if outside of the United States) to find a group near you. Your child did not ask for the divorce. Get them the help that they need to help them process and adjust to the situation.

Other support that matters to kids and can help them adjust to the situation is extended family and friends. Their support, kindness, and love in your situation is also helping your child. They need the support, emotionally, physically, and mentally, as much as you do.

Reach out for support from your loved ones. Not everyone will likely be helpful, but for those that are helpful embrace their help and thank them. Not only are they helping you, but they are also helping your child.

Check out my other article on this topic: How to Raise Happy, Healthy Kids After Going Through a Divorce for more tips and info on how to help your child adjust following divorce.

Bonus: Things to Consider Before Getting a Divorce

According to The Institute for Family Studies, which studied 2,000 divorced couples, the top three reasons that people divorce are:[2]

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  • A lack of commitment
  • Too much conflict or arguing
  • Infidelity or extramarital affairs

In reality, abuse being named as the cause for divorce is a small percentage.

If the reason is lack of commitment in your situation, then seek some help. Don’t give up on the marriage.

Seek Professional Help from a Marriage Counselor

Read “Everything You Need to Know Before Visiting a Marriage Counselor” for help in your search of a marital counselor.

Seek professional help before you seek out a divorce attorney. You may be saving a relationship and a family at the same time.

When the reason for divorce is arguing, many couples believe that getting divorced will help the children because they will be exposed to less arguing. The constant yelling, screaming, and arguments can cease with a divorce.

However, has healing or resolution really occurred? You may be teaching your child that rather than work through a tough situation, you leave.

Improve Your Conflict Resolution Skills

Who is to say you are going to get along better after a divorce? Are your conflict resolution skills going to magically improve when you get a divorce? What about the idea of working on your conflict resolutions skills before you pursue a divorce?

The problem is not the arguing. The problem is your conflict resolution skills.

You can have disagreements. Those are normal in any relationship. How you handle the disagreement is what is most important. It is important to you, your spouse, and your children witnessing the disagreement that good conflict resolution skills are practiced in your household.

If you can learn healthy conflict resolution skills for your marriage, you can become an example to your child of how to handle disagreements in a healthy manner. You may also be saving your marriage at the same time.

Check out this article for practical tips on conflict resolution: The Secret to Effective Conflict Resolution: The IBR Approach

Again, if you can’t seem to develop these skills alone or as a couple, then seek professional help from a marriage counselor.

Conclusion

There are no guarantees that your child will survive your divorce unscathed. However, 80% of all kids are able to adjust to divorce without any major problems. For the 20%, there is help available.

Professional help is imperative. What also will help your child are the two most important factors following a divorce: healthy co-parenting relationships and quality time with parent-child. Your job as a parent is to get along with your ex for the sake of your child.

If you struggle to find common ground, then involve a mediator and keep communications to a minimum outside of the mediator. Also, work to develop better conflict resolution skills to facilitate a better co-parenting relationship long term.

Your relationship with your child following the divorce matters. Making the effort to spend quality time with your child is important. It will affect your child’s ability to adjust to divorce.

Do everything you can to foster a healthy, happy, and functional relationship with your child. Not only for their sake and their development, but also for the sake of your long term relationship with them.

Featured photo credit: Annie Spratt via unsplash.com

Reference

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Dr. Magdalena Battles

A Doctor of Psychology with specialties include children, family relationships, domestic violence, and sexual assault

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Last Updated on July 20, 2021

How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

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How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

You’re standing behind the curtain, just about to make your way on stage to face the many faces half-shrouded in darkness in front of you. As you move towards the spotlight, your body starts to feel heavier with each step. A familiar thump echoes throughout your body – your heartbeat has gone off the charts.

Don’t worry, you’re not the only one with glossophobia(also known as speech anxiety or the fear of speaking to large crowds). Sometimes, the anxiety happens long before you even stand on stage.

Your body’s defence mechanism responds by causing a part of your brain to release adrenaline into your blood – the same chemical that gets released as if you were being chased by a lion.

Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you overcome your fear of public speaking:

1. Prepare yourself mentally and physically

According to experts, we’re built to display anxiety and to recognize it in others. If your body and mind are anxious, your audience will notice. Hence, it’s important to prepare yourself before the big show so that you arrive on stage confident, collected and ready.

“Your outside world is a reflection of your inside world. What goes on in the inside, shows on the outside.” – Bob Proctor

Exercising lightly before a presentation helps get your blood circulating and sends oxygen to the brain. Mental exercises, on the other hand, can help calm the mind and nerves. Here are some useful ways to calm your racing heart when you start to feel the butterflies in your stomach:

Warming up

If you’re nervous, chances are your body will feel the same way. Your body gets tense, your muscles feel tight or you’re breaking in cold sweat. The audience will notice you are nervous.

If you observe that this is exactly what is happening to you minutes before a speech, do a couple of stretches to loosen and relax your body. It’s better to warm up before every speech as it helps to increase the functional potential of the body as a whole. Not only that, it increases muscle efficiency, improves reaction time and your movements.

Here are some exercises to loosen up your body before show time:

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  1. Neck and shoulder rolls – This helps relieve upper body muscle tension and pressure as the rolls focus on rotating the head and shoulders, loosening the muscle. Stress and anxiety can make us rigid within this area which can make you feel agitated, especially when standing.
  2. Arm stretches – We often use this part of our muscles during a speech or presentation through our hand gestures and movements. Stretching these muscles can reduce arm fatigue, loosen you up and improve your body language range.
  3. Waist twists – Place your hands on your hips and rotate your waist in a circular motion. This exercise focuses on loosening the abdominal and lower back regions which is essential as it can cause discomfort and pain, further amplifying any anxieties you may experience.

Stay hydrated

Ever felt parched seconds before speaking? And then coming up on stage sounding raspy and scratchy in front of the audience? This happens because the adrenaline from stage fright causes your mouth to feel dried out.

To prevent all that, it’s essential we stay adequately hydrated before a speech. A sip of water will do the trick. However, do drink in moderation so that you won’t need to go to the bathroom constantly.

Try to avoid sugary beverages and caffeine, since it’s a diuretic – meaning you’ll feel thirstier. It will also amplify your anxiety which prevents you from speaking smoothly.

Meditate

Meditation is well-known as a powerful tool to calm the mind. ABC’s Dan Harris, co-anchor of Nightline and Good Morning America weekend and author of the book titled10% Happier , recommends that meditation can help individuals to feel significantly calmer, faster.

Meditation is like a workout for your mind. It gives you the strength and focus to filter out the negativity and distractions with words of encouragement, confidence and strength.

Mindfulness meditation, in particular, is a popular method to calm yourself before going up on the big stage. The practice involves sitting comfortably, focusing on your breathing and then bringing your mind’s attention to the present without drifting into concerns about the past or future – which likely includes floundering on stage.

Here’s a nice example of guided meditation before public speaking:

2. Focus on your goal

One thing people with a fear of public speaking have in common is focusing too much on themselves and the possibility of failure.

Do I look funny? What if I can’t remember what to say? Do I look stupid? Will people listen to me? Does anyone care about what I’m talking about?’

Instead of thinking this way, shift your attention to your one true purpose – contributing something of value to your audience.

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Decide on the progress you’d like your audience to make after your presentation. Notice their movements and expressions to adapt your speech to ensure that they are having a good time to leave the room as better people.

If your own focus isn’t beneficial and what it should be when you’re speaking, then shift it to what does. This is also key to establishing trust during your presentation as the audience can clearly see that you have their interests at heart.[1]

3. Convert negativity to positivity

There are two sides constantly battling inside of us – one is filled with strength and courage while the other is doubt and insecurities. Which one will you feed?

‘What if I mess up this speech? What if I’m not funny enough? What if I forget what to say?’

It’s no wonder why many of us are uncomfortable giving a presentation. All we do is bring ourselves down before we got a chance to prove ourselves. This is also known as a self-fulfilling prophecy – a belief that comes true because we are acting as if it already is. If you think you’re incompetent, then it will eventually become true.

Motivational coaches tout that positive mantras and affirmations tend to boost your confidents for the moments that matter most. Say to yourself: “I’ll ace this speech and I can do it!”

Take advantage of your adrenaline rush to encourage positive outcome rather than thinking of the negative ‘what ifs’.

Here’s a video of Psychologist Kelly McGonigal who encourages her audience to turn stress into something positive as well as provide methods on how to cope with it:

4. Understand your content

Knowing your content at your fingertips helps reduce your anxiety because there is one less thing to worry about. One way to get there is to practice numerous times before your actual speech.

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However, memorizing your script word-for-word is not encouraged. You can end up freezing should you forget something. You’ll also risk sounding unnatural and less approachable.

“No amount of reading or memorizing will make you successful in life. It is the understanding and the application of wise thought that counts.” – Bob Proctor

Many people unconsciously make the mistake of reading from their slides or memorizing their script word-for-word without understanding their content – a definite way to stress themselves out.

Understanding your speech flow and content makes it easier for you to convert ideas and concepts into your own words which you can then clearly explain to others in a conversational manner. Designing your slides to include text prompts is also an easy hack to ensure you get to quickly recall your flow when your mind goes blank.[2]

One way to understand is to memorize the over-arching concepts or ideas in your pitch. It helps you speak more naturally and let your personality shine through. It’s almost like taking your audience on a journey with a few key milestones.

5. Practice makes perfect

Like most people, many of us are not naturally attuned to public speaking. Rarely do individuals walk up to a large audience and present flawlessly without any research and preparation.

In fact, some of the top presenters make it look easy during showtime because they have spent countless hours behind-the-scenes in deep practice. Even great speakers like the late John F. Kennedy would spend months preparing his speech beforehand.

Public speaking, like any other skill, requires practice – whether it be practicing your speech countless of times in front of a mirror or making notes. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect!

6. Be authentic

There’s nothing wrong with feeling stressed before going up to speak in front of an audience.

Many people fear public speaking because they fear others will judge them for showing their true, vulnerable self. However, vulnerability can sometimes help you come across as more authentic and relatable as a speaker.

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Drop the pretence of trying to act or speak like someone else and you’ll find that it’s worth the risk. You become more genuine, flexible and spontaneous, which makes it easier to handle unpredictable situations – whether it’s getting tough questions from the crowd or experiencing an unexpected technical difficulty.

To find out your authentic style of speaking is easy. Just pick a topic or issue you are passionate about and discuss this like you normally would with a close family or friend. It is like having a conversation with someone in a personal one-to-one setting. A great way to do this on stage is to select a random audience member(with a hopefully calming face) and speak to a single person at a time during your speech. You’ll find that it’s easier trying to connect to one person at a time than a whole room.

With that said, being comfortable enough to be yourself in front of others may take a little time and some experience, depending how comfortable you are with being yourself in front of others. But once you embrace it, stage fright will not be as intimidating as you initially thought.

Presenters like Barack Obama are a prime example of a genuine and passionate speaker:

7. Post speech evaluation

Last but not the least, if you’ve done public speaking and have been scarred from a bad experience, try seeing it as a lesson learned to improve yourself as a speaker.

Don’t beat yourself up after a presentation

We are the hardest on ourselves and it’s good to be. But when you finish delivering your speech or presentation, give yourself some recognition and a pat on the back.

You managed to finish whatever you had to do and did not give up. You did not let your fears and insecurities get to you. Take a little more pride in your work and believe in yourself.

Improve your next speech

As mentioned before, practice does make perfect. If you want to improve your public speaking skills, try asking someone to film you during a speech or presentation. Afterwards, watch and observe what you can do to improve yourself next time.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself after every speech:

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  • How did I do?
  • Are there any areas for improvement?
  • Did I sound or look stressed?
  • Did I stumble on my words? Why?
  • Was I saying “um” too often?
  • How was the flow of the speech?

Write everything you observed down and keep practicing and improving. In time, you’ll be able to better manage your fears of public speaking and appear more confident when it counts.

If you want even more tips about public speaking or delivering a great presentation, check out these articles too:

Reference

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