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How to Tell If You Are Fostering Positive Relationships in Life

How to Tell If You Are Fostering Positive Relationships in Life

Creating friendships and relationships were much simpler when we were younger. It had more to do with who was in your proximity at that specific time in your life and sharing common experiences.

As we grow older, our paths begin to divert and we adjust to the rhythm which life is moving, and often times we find our relationships changing with it.

A huge part of life is cultivating relationships not only with family and friends, but in all aspects including romantic partners, work colleagues, and even within ourselves. As adults, it gets harder to keep up with our inner circles when we have a family to take care of, a career that’s developing, and living day to day. To foster positive relationships, you must first accept that sometimes certain relationships change, but fostering and maintaining the positive ones is how to achieve more in life.

Here are ways to check and see if you are cultivating positive relationships in all areas of your life by assessing and asking:

1. Assess Your Big Five

Motivational speaker Jim Rohn, once said,

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

Instead of reflecting on just five, take it one step further by reflecting on the five people you spend the most time with in different areas of your life – personal, work, and family.

A great starting point is seeing how present you are in that very moment.

For example, you decide to grab coffee with a long-time friend whom you catch up every couple of months. During the conversation, do you find yourself checking your phone every five minutes or going through a list of things you could be doing instead? If so, it may be time to see how much value you’re getting from this particular relationship.

Some relationships overgrow one another throughout time, and that’s completely normal. As selfish it may sound, your time is just as valuable.

2. Listen to the Way You Converse with Others

Have you ever taken a moment to listen to how you carry conversations with your friends, family, partner, and most importantly – yourself? Sometimes we get caught up in storytelling, that we don’t pay much attention to the language that we’re using or how we’re using it.

  • Are you present and attentive when you’re having dinner with your family?
  • Are you on your phone when you’re having date night with your partner?
  • Do you spend your lunch breaks listening to workplace gossip?

Check-in with how you feel when these conversations are occurring. Part of fostering positive relationships means making sure you feel good when you have them because it’s the experience we feel on a daily basis that shapes our days ahead.

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If you notice that you’re surrounded by negativity, try distancing yourself with those or try shifting the conversation towards a different direction. If you’re noticing you are on your phone during family time, dive a little deeper and see what is capturing your attention and why.

Sometimes the answer lies not only where you are at that specific moment, but where your mind is.

3. Listen to How You Converse with Yourself

There are important conversations we have daily, but the most important ones are the conversations we have with ourselves. It may surprise you how we speak to ourselves compared to how we speak to others. Often times we’re harder, more unforgiving, and critical, which can affect the relationships we have with those around us.

Everyone goes through negative self-talk, but it comes down to how loud that voice becomes. There are great consequences that come from negative self-talk that then creates a poor self-image of ourselves. That image also affects our relationships.

  • “I’m not good enough to be with anyone and that’s why I’m single.”
  • “I’m not a decent friend and that why I never get invited anywhere.”
  • “I’m a horrible worker and that is the reason why I never get a promotion.”

Would these be things you tell a friend? Probably not. So why have these conversations with yourself? Your inner vibrations and feelings always flows outwards and is what attracts those to you.

4. Do We Share Core Values?

The older we get, it can get harder to make friends – good friends, too. When we were younger, the common bonding ground stemmed off favorite television shows and school sports. But as we continue to develop careers, have families, and expand our growth both mentally and physically, it may be hard to keep up with our inner circle, let alone ourselves.

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It’s not distance that keeps people and relationships apart, but the differences in core values. As humans, we seek mental company over physical company, and this becomes more prominent when we’re older.

Sharing core values go beyond having a friend who shares the common liking of eating at a particular restaurant or taking a spin class once a week together; it’s sharing that core value of wanting to put fitness and health as a priority or enjoying the challenge of committing to an activity.

Keep in mind that not all core values have to overlap. Having different values and ideas also foster positive relationships.

5. Invest in Friendships That Grow Through Life

I have a healthy long-distance friendship with my roommate from college because we make it a point to check-in often. Whether it’s a quick five minutes on Facetime or sending each other a picture that reminded us of that person, checking in even during life’s busiest days help bring bursts of energy throughout the day – especially for long distance relationships from opposite sides of the world.

So much has changed since college, but having that timeless relationship has created a stronger bond without forced catch-up sessions and guilty apologizing for not making enough time. It’s a mutual understanding that time has changed and growing with it rather than resisiting it.

6. Look into How You’re Feeling at Work

Having healthy and positive relationships with work colleagues is always ideal, but we all know this isn’t the case.

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First and foremost, ask yourself if you like what you are doing, better yet, if “you’re feeling good at work.”[1] Believe it or not, it all stems down to your emotions and the energy you give off that will either attract your coworkers to you or push them away from you. Would you want to invite Negative Nancy to coffee and listen to her complain about all her customers? Probably not.

Like every other aspect in life, you have to enjoy where you are spending 40 hours of your time and with whom. If you’re feeling good at work, you’ll feel more aligned and in tuned with those around you that lead to healthier relationships.

7. Treat a Relationship Like a Partnership

Your partner has probably seen the worst and the best parts of you – every part of you that makes you human. In all relationships, there are highs and lows. There are moments when the romance may feel fizzled or be caught up in knotted tension, and moments when euphoria takes over and the both of you are unstoppable.

A part of having a positive relationship means having healthy arguments . If you’re able to have a disagreement without yelling and screaming, while taking two steps back to figure out the problem together – then you’re on the right track. Here are some things to keep in mind during a heated argument:

  • Are you still putting your partner first even during disagreements?
  • Are you looking for a solution, rather than a safe way out?
  • Are you able to place your pride aside in the meantime?

Fostering a positive relationship means understanding the situation from the other person’s perspective, while coming up with a solution together.

Final Thoughts

The lessons we learn in our personal and professional lives reflect on how we communicate with others. It helps us grow, understand, and assess the value that we are bringing into all our relationships, and in return add value to those relationships. All it takes is a few moments of checking-in with others as well as yourself.

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Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] The New York Times: How Many Work Friends Do You Really Need?

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Akina Chargualaf

Akina Chargualaf is an entrepreneur, writer, and the content creator of travel and personal development blog Finding Fifth.

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Last Updated on December 3, 2019

10 Life Lessons You’d Better Learn Early on in Life

10 Life Lessons You’d Better Learn Early on in Life

There are so many lessons I wish I had learned while I was young enough to appreciate and apply them. The thing with wisdom, and often with life lessons in general, is that they’re learned in retrospect, long after we needed them. The good news is that other people can benefit from our experiences and the lessons we’ve learned.

Here’re 10 important life lessons you should learn early on:

1. Money Will Never Solve Your Real Problems

Money is a tool; a commodity that buys you necessities and some nice “wants,” but it is not the panacea to your problems.

There are a great many people who are living on very little, yet have wonderfully full and happy lives… and there are sadly a great many people are living on quite a lot, yet have terribly miserable lives.

Money can buy a nice home, a great car, fabulous shoes, even a bit of security and some creature comforts, but it cannot fix a broken relationship, or cure loneliness, and the “happiness” it brings is only fleeting and not the kind that really and truly matters. Happiness is not for sale. If you’re expecting the “stuff” you can buy to “make it better,” you will never be happy.

2. Pace Yourself

Often when we’re young, just beginning our adult journey we feel as though we have to do everything at once. We need to decide everything, plan out our lives, experience everything, get to the top, find true love, figure out our life’s purpose, and do it all at the same time.

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Slow down—don’t rush into things. Let your life unfold. Wait a bit to see where it takes you, and take time to weigh your options. Enjoy every bite of food, take time to look around you, let the other person finish their side of the conversation. Allow yourself time to think, to mull a bit.

Taking action is critical. Working towards your goals and making plans for the future is commendable and often very useful, but rushing full-speed ahead towards anything is a one-way ticket to burnout and a good way to miss your life as it passes you by.

3. You Can’t Please Everyone

“I don’t know the secret to success, but the secret to failure is trying to please everyone” – Bill Cosby.

You don’t need everyone to agree with you or even like you. It’s human nature to want to belong, to be liked, respected and valued, but not at the expense of your integrity and happiness. Other people cannot give you the validation you seek. That has to come from inside.

Speak up, stick to your guns, assert yourself when you need to, demand respect, stay true to your values.

4. Your Health Is Your Most Valuable Asset

Health is an invaluable treasure—always appreciate, nurture, and protect it. Good health is often wasted on the young before they have a chance to appreciate it for what it’s worth.

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We tend to take our good health for granted, because it’s just there. We don’t have to worry about it, so we don’t really pay attention to it… until we have to.

Heart disease, bone density, stroke, many cancers—the list of many largely preventable diseases is long, so take care of your health now, or you’ll regret it later on.

5. You Don’t Always Get What You Want

“Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.” – John Lennon

No matter how carefully you plan and how hard you work, sometimes things just don’t work out the way you want them to… and that’s okay.

We have all of these expectations; predetermined visions of what our “ideal” life will look like, but all too often, that’s not the reality of the life we end up with. Sometimes our dreams fail and sometimes we just change our minds mid-course. Sometimes we have to flop to find the right course and sometimes we just have to try a few things before we find the right direction.

6. It’s Not All About You

You are not the epicenter of the universe. It’s very difficult to view the world from a perspective outside of your own, since we are always so focused on what’s happening in our own lives. What do I have to do today? What will this mean for me, for my career, for my life? What do I want?

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It’s normal to be intensely aware of everything that’s going on in your own life, but you need to pay as much attention to what’s happening around you, and how things affect other people in the world as you do to your own life. It helps to keep things in perspective.

7. There’s No Shame in Not Knowing

No one has it all figured out. Nobody has all the answers. There’s no shame in saying “I don’t know.” Pretending to be perfect doesn’t make you perfect. It just makes you neurotic to keep up the pretense of manufactured perfection.

We have this idea that there is some kind of stigma or shame in admitting our limitations or uncertainly, but we can’t possibly know everything. We all make mistakes and mess up occasionally. We learn as we go, that’s life.

Besides—nobody likes a know-it-all. A little vulnerability makes you human and oh so much more relatable.

8. Love Is More Than a Feeling; It’s a Choice

That burst of initial exhilaration, pulse quickening love and passion does not last long. But that doesn’t mean long-lasting love is not possible.

Love is not just a feeling; it’s a choice that you make every day. We have to choose to let annoyances pass, to forgive, to be kind, to respect, to support, to be faithful.

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Relationships take work. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s incredibly hard. It is up to us to choose how we want to act, think and speak in a relationship.

9. Perspective Is a Beautiful Thing

Typically, when we’re worried or upset, it’s because we’ve lost perspective. Everything that is happening in our lives seems so big, so important, so do or die, but in the grand picture, this single hiccup often means next to nothing.

The fight we’re having, the job we didn’t get, the real or imagined slight, the unexpected need to shift course, the thing we wanted, but didn’t get. Most of it won’t matter 20, 30, 40 years from now. It’s hard to see long term when all you know is short term, but unless it’s life-threatening, let it go, and move on.

10. Don’t Take Anything for Granted

We often don’t appreciate what we have until it’s gone: that includes your health, your family and friends, your job, the money you have or think you will have tomorrow.

When you’re young, it seems that your parents will always be there, but they won’t. You think you have plenty of time to get back in touch with your old friends or spend time with new ones, but you don’t. You have the money to spend, or you think you’ll have it next month, but you might not.

Nothing in your life is not guaranteed to be there tomorrow, including those you love.

This is a hard life lesson to learn, but it may be the most important of all: Life can change in an instant. Make sure you appreciate what you have, while you still have it.

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Featured photo credit: Ben Eaton via unsplash.com

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