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Last Updated on May 18, 2018

How to Manage Stress (A Step-by-Step Guide to Turn Stress Into Success)

How to Manage Stress (A Step-by-Step Guide to Turn Stress Into Success)

Stress is something I’ve faced in a deep and personal way, and have overcome successfully. Living with stress is surprisingly common – according to the American Psychological Association, approximately 60% of Americans are stressed with concerns over money, job pressure and health contributing to 76% of stress.[1]

Numerous studies have shown that stress has a strong negative impact on well-being and prolonged stress has been associated with anxiety, depression, coronary diseases and sleep problems.[2]

It’s clear that to live a happy and fulfilled life, we need to learn how to respond to life’s challenges without getting overly stressed. However, stress itself is complicated. There are many different types of stress and there is no easy one size fits all solution.

In this article, we’ll dive deeper to examine the real cause of stress and how to manage stress and turn it into success.

Where does stress come from these days?

Stress is an evolutionary response to a threat in our environment. In our caveman days, stress helped us survive by triggering our ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ response to help us run away from wild animals or fight to defend our territory.

In today’s modern world however, stress has evolved as a coping mechanism to help us manage mental and emotional overwhelm such as dealing with demanding bosses, managing our finances or surviving health issues.

As these are daily problems, we simply do not have the emotional strength and mind space to respond effectively each and every day – this is how stress becomes chronic and starts to interfere with our lives.

Symptoms of feeling stressed

Symptoms of stress can be very obvious or buried deep in our psyche depending on how we’ve dealt with stressful experiences through our lives.

Overt (or obvious) symptoms of stress

Symptoms of stress commonly manifest in terms of physical, mental or emotional discomfort.[3]

  • Physical signs include headaches, tiredness, an upset stomach or an inability to sleep well
  • Mental signs include feeling overwhelmed, being ‘down in the dumps’ and unable to enjoy yourself or switch off
  • Emotional signs include being irritable, impatient, anxious, nervous, depressed, lonely and feeling like there’s no way out

Deeper (or not so obvious) symptoms of stress

Many times, we tend to avoid dealing with stressors head-on, thinking that avoiding problems will make them go away or keep us from getting anxious. In psychological terms, this is known as avoidance coping a.k.a “What you resist, persists”.

Avoidance coping doesn’t work in the long-term because not dealing with our problems only increases anxiety instead of diminishing it.

We also tend to adopt other not so obvious ways of coping which can be even more detrimental to our health and well-being such as:

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  • Emotional eating or overeating – Turning to food when we are stressed is very common because food helps us feel better in the moment by triggering our brain’s reward system. Often, we end up overeating to numb our feelings so we can avoid thinking about them. This often ends up leading to compulsive or binge eating where we can feel that we don’t have any control over our food choices.
  • Reliance on substances like alcohol – Similar to food, some of us turn to alcohol or other substances to help us relax in the moment. However, by doing this over and over again, it can easily become an addiction.
  • Nervous behaviors like chewing nails – Since we are not dealing with stress directly, we end up releasing our nervous energy by biting nails or pinching our skin.
  • Procrastination – One of the most common consequences of avoidance coping is procrastination which only serves to increase our anxiety and makes us feel even worse than we started with. We end up questioning our motivation, willpower and discipline which can lead to low self-esteem and feeling stuck in life.
  • Passive aggressiveness – The stress of being stressed makes us irritable and more aggressive than normal as we usually want to be left alone and don’t have patience in dealing with other people or routine tasks during the day. Often, this can lead to us pushing away the people we most love and makes us feel even more lonely and depressed.
  • Rumination – Some of us keep thinking about the same negative stressors over and over again wondering why this is happening to us and brooding over the circumstances. This sends us even more into a negative spiral and unable to respond to life’s challenges in a proactive way.
  • Chronic Illnesses – incidences of autoimmune illnesses such as IBS, Crohn’s, Ulcerative Colitis affect about 50 million Americans and is only increasing each year.[4] Studies have shown that up to 80% of patients have reported high levels of stress prior to diagnosis leading researchers to hypothesize that increased production of stress-related hormones. This leads to immune dysregulation and cause auto-immune illnesses.[5]

In a nutshell, not dealing with stress directly leads to what we commonly perceive as self-sabotage – engaging in behaviors seemingly against our own will and feeling a lack of control over our lives.

This lack of control damages self-esteem and can send us into disordered patterns of behavior including anxiety, depression and binge eating.

How to manage stress (a step-by-step guide)

To deal with stress in a healthy way, we need to understand what causes stress at the deepest level so we can deal with the root causes rather than just the symptoms.

Part A – Decode the 4 real causes of stress

Stress as we learned previously is primarily a threat to our survival, and these threats in the modern world occur in four different dimensions according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Identifying which of these are the biggest stressors for us can help us formulate an effective response instead of relying on ineffective coping mechanisms.

1. Safety threats

The first rung of Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs states that we all have a basic desire for safety in terms of good health, financial freedom and a stable job. If any of these are missing from our lives, it is perceived by the body’s evolutionary system as a threat to survival which triggers our stress response.

At this point, ask yourself if you are facing any safety threats:

  • Work pressure – Do you have a too demanding boss? Are you overloaded with work? Do you have annoying co-workers? Are you fearful of losing your job?
  • Financial freedom – Are you anxious about having enough money to take care of yourself and your family? Do you not have a stable income source? Are your expenses more than your means?
  • Health issues – Do you or anyone in your family have a health crisis or chronic illness? Do you feel like your health is not good enough to fully live life on your terms? Are you dependent on other people for optimum health?

2. Love and belonging threats

The second rung of Maslow’s needs states that we are all seeking to belong to a social group and that love is an important human need.

Are you feeling a sense of love, intimacy and belonging or is this something currently missing in your life?

  • Do you have a happy marriage or relationship with a partner that fulfills you?
  • Are you happy with your role as a wife, mother, daughter and sister? Or do you feel like you aren’t able to give your all to your family?
  • Do you have friends or a social circle that you feel connected to?
  • Do you experience feelings of loneliness or lack of love and support?

3. Self-esteem threats

The third rung of Maslow’s needs are a key motivator for many of our actions – our need for self-esteem. This is reflected in our confidence, achievement and the respect we receive from others.

If your self-esteem is affected:

  • You maybe constantly seeking for validation from external sources, not from within yourself
  • Your confidence and belief is high when you are praised or when you achieve something, otherwise you feel depressed.

Are you experiencing any of these feelings?

For many of us, our self-esteem can also be low because we are too tough with ourselves – for example, we may have many achievements but we judge ourselves based on our weight, our clothes size or what we didn’t get done instead of recognizing what we are doing well.

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Dictated by societal pressures and our own perfectionism, this leads to artificial stress which we create for ourselves. Often escaping from this stress makes us so obsessed with the task at hand.

For example, to lose weight, we may go on extreme diets that we end up self-sabotaging (for example, binge or emotional overeating to stop feeling stressed about our weight) which then makes us even more stressed and creates a vicious cycle (diet – binge – diet cycle for example).

4. Self-actualization threat

The final rung of Maslow’s needs is the ultimate goal of all human existence – to fulfill our potential and be our best selves. When we are able to do this, we can chase our dreams and have the autonomy to be creative, spontaneous and engage in activities that are meaningful to us.

If self-actualization is your biggest cause for stress, ask yourself:

  • Do you feel like you are holding back? Do you feel like you are not living up to your full potential that you could be so much more?
  • Is there a dream, a deep desire to change the world that you’ve been holding back on?

If you feel like you are holding back either because you don’t know what to do, you’re experiencing a mid-life crisis or because you’re valuing stability over chasing your dreams, then finding a way around this is your biggest challenge.

Summing it up

Once you’ve gone through these 4 causes and the related questions, identify your biggest stressor and which bucket it falls into.

In the next section, we will talk about how to manage the stressor without getting stressed.

Part B – Change your mindset to turn stress into success

There are two key mindset changes that are crucial to not only overcoming stress, but using it to turn a stressor into something successful.

1. Use the “thinking brain” not the “primitive brain”

Like we saw before, stress is our primitive brain’s response to survival which activates our fight or flight systems. While this was incredibly useful for our survival as a species in caveman times, it’s this very response that causes us to freeze, feel overwhelmed and unable to think when we are in a stressful situation today.

When we can’t think, we respond to stress unconsciously – with negative feelings of anxiety, worry, sadness or anger.

While we can’t stop the primitive brain from responding to stress with such emotions, we can simultaneously engage our thinking brain to decide how to respond to these emotions.

Our “thinking brain” can make reasonable and conscious choices in regulating our response to stress.

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It can help us decide that although we are experiencing emotions of anxiety (which is a biological response), we can choose not to feel anxious. As feelings are a result of how we respond to our emotions, we are fully in control of how we feel when we are confronted with a stressful situation.

Our feelings are not our emotions. Our feelings are how we choose to respond to our emotions.

Recognizing that we are in fact in control of how we respond to a stressor is a key realization necessary to manage stress better.

2. Use stress as an incentive to be better

The second mindset change needed is to recognize that stress is just a symptom and not a cause of our anxiety or unhappiness.

When we start looking at stress as a way to diagnose what’s missing in our life, we can then use it to make changes that will help us live more satisfied, calm and relaxed lives.

Stress then gives us an opportunity to have better careers, more loving relationships and to fulfill our potential without which we might have never done and just “settled” for whatever life threw our way.

Part C – A step-by-step guide to manage stress

With the key stressor identified from Part A and the new mindsets adapted from Part B, you now understand that you are in control of how you respond to and feel about the stressful events in your life.

The following four simple steps can help you fully manage stress positively:

1. Accept the stress instead of avoiding it

The first step to managing stress positively is to accept it. By accepting the stress, we can be fully present and connect with our emotions. This is when we recognize our emotions and know that we can decide how to respond to stress in a healthy manner.

Avoiding stress effectively negates any positive impact from dealing with stress and instead only hides it temporarily. In most cases, it leads to vicious cycles like binge eating, procrastination and self-sabotage that we learned about in the previous sections.

Effective therapies like ACT (used in depression, anxiety and addiction) also tell us that acceptance is the key to healing.

2. Be proactive in making a change

The second step now that we’ve accepted the stress is to do something about it if it’s in our control.

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For example, from Part A, if you realize that your biggest stressor is that your self-esteem is mostly dependent on your weight and body image, you can decide to focus more on your other achievements. Maybe you also developed emotional or binge eating as a coping response to this stressor, then you can get help from mentors who’ve been through the same experience.

Taking an active part in changing the conditions or environment that cause the stress will reduce stress.

3. Practice the “Circle Of Influence” mantra

Popularized in Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “Circle of Influence” tells us that focusing on the things we can control – i.e., what we eat, who we spend time with, – will make us more effective in making proactive changes.

Instead of worrying about or reacting to conditions over which we don’t have much influence, the third step to managing stress is to focus on the activities that we can actually change.

This means we can stop comparing ourselves to others or worrying about what others think of us. We can focus on doing our best and being motivated internally – all positive and healthy habits.

4. Develop grit

Dealing with any stressful situation requires a keen interest to make a change and tenacity to push through difficult challenges. This combination of passion and perseverance is the key to success according to psychologist Angela Duckworth.

Passion is a combination of chasing a meaningful goal and being internally motivated to keep chasing it. Passion is not just a fiery burst of energy or willpower but an internal drive that will help us push through challenges.

At the same time, persevering through difficulties requires us to be aware of our blind spots. It’s important to be realistic to set achievable goals, prioritize, focus and motivate ourselves by recognizing our efforts. For high performers who are used to instant results and achievement, this can be very difficult.

Understanding ourselves and our blind spots can help us persevere in the face of challenges.

With these 4 steps, we can now start to not only manage stress but thrive under it and use it to become even more successful.

Turning stress into success

Stress is our response to how we deal with life’s pressures. We can change stress from being an unconscious behavior to a conscious response by using our “thinking mind”.

By re-framing stress to be a positive tool for self-improvement, we can use it to identify our biggest need (safety, belonging, self-esteem or self-actualization). Then, use the 4-step process to accept the stress and be proactive about dealing with it to turn stress into success.

Even though you may feel like you are not stressed, but you’re dissatisfied with life or having coping mechanisms like binge eating or procrastination, your stress is just hiding beneath the surface. Use this 4-step process to build a happier, relaxed and more satisfied life starting today.

Featured photo credit: Kaboompics via kaboompics.com

Reference

[1]American Psychological Association : What is Stress?
[2]International Journal of Clinical and Health Psychology: The link between stress, well-being, and psychological flexibility
[3]Mind: What are the signs of stress?
[4]Scleroderma News: 10 Facts and Statistics About Autoimmune Diseases
[5]NCBI: Stress as a trigger of autoimmune disease

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Sai Khanna

I aspire to help you enjoy food without obsessing over it, deal with stress better and empower you with the mindsets so you can chase your dreams.

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Last Updated on August 20, 2018

35 Anniversary Ideas to Bring You Closer Together

35 Anniversary Ideas to Bring You Closer Together

Every mature relationship has had a less-than-memorable anniversary. Maybe one of you forgot, or both of you got busy with work, kids, family issues, or something else. Whatever happened, the day came and went without fanfare. And neither of you seemed to notice or much care.

But for the health of any relationship, it’s important to make important days feel special. Anniversaries offer the wonderful opportunity to relive beautiful memories, practice gratefulness for your partner, and to show your love and strengthen your bond. Make this year’s anniversary with your significant other something special  — one that will bring you closer together.

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The best way to create a memorable anniversary is to do something new and different together as a couple. Stretch yourselves a bit.

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While boredom can silently kill a relationship, new experiences reinforce the shared bond you already have and create strong new memories. Just think back to the most significant memories you have right now with your spouse and imagine what new ones you can create!

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While you enjoy your chosen anniversary activity, be sure to keep a positive attitude and make your partner happy too on that day. Leave all arguments and day to day detail behind. Just celebrate your relationship. Whether you’re going to spend the day together at home, getting away, or having a wild and crazy new experience together, you can have your best anniversary yet!

If You’re Staying In

  1. Spend an evening with no technology, just the two of you and maybe a board game. It’s hard to keep ourselves away from our computers and smartphones long enough to have a meaningful conversation. Make a rule not to use your tech and you’ll rekindle your relationship!
  2. Make wine or beer together. If you enjoy drinking together, this is a fun activity to try together. Just remember to buy the necessary equipment ahead of time.
  3. Learn something new about each other. With an open mind, try asking some of the New York Times’ 36 questions that lead to love. They’ll help spark intimacy and will lead to some really honest moments.
  4. Have a lazy day. Breakfasts in bed, spend all day in bed talking and napping. Follow breakfast with champagne and dessert! If you feel like getting more active, cook together or play some games. Here’re some simple breakfast ideas for you.
    • Learn to dance at home. This is best for those active couples who work out together and also enjoy learning something new together. Just go on Youtube to find any music with dance tutorials and learn together.
    • Visit model homes or open houses and plan your dream home.
    • Have a special dessert – champagne and chocolate covered strawberries. Having an unusual treat makes a day feel extra special. If you want to make the dessert really special, try these tasty dessert recipes.
    • Create a playlist of your favorite songs as a couple. Choose songs that tell your story, and songs that you bonded over throughout your relationships. Here’re some love songs ideas for your inspirations.
      • Write your love story. Write it together or ave each of you write your own and then bring them together in an interesting, both sides of the story format.
      • Get a fondue pot. Fondue is a fun way to enjoy melted cheeses (for savory items) and melted chocolate (for sweeter treats).
      • Decorate! Turn your home into a dressed-up french cottage, a sophisticated restaurant, or simply with flowers. The different ambience will immediately change the feel of your home and make it feel like a staycation.
        • Talk about the future together. It might sound simple and everyday, but imagining how you want to spend your retirement together, or planning future trips can be exciting and romantic.

        If You Want to Get Away

        1. Take a day trip together to your favorite spot. If you live in a city, it can be incredibly refreshing to get away for an afternoon and drink in the outdoors.
        2. Go on a scenic drive and stop at a wine and cheese bar. Or, if you’re lucky enough to have lots of options where you live, try a brewpub. There are tons of small craft breweries with fantastic food options too.
        3. Go camping. Relatively affordable and, if the weather’s right, beautiful and romantic.
          • Take an overnight backpacking trip. For the more adventurous couples, backpacking is an even more intense way to challenge yourself physically while becoming one with nature.
          • Take a wine tasting tour. If you live on the West Coast or in the Northeast, take a drive to the nearest winery. Many offer relatively inexpensive tastings and deals if you purchase a certain amount.
          • Take a scenic train trip. Taking the train means less stress traveling: nobody has to drive, you don’t have to stop for breaks every few hours, and you can sleep if you need to!
          • Save up for a destination vacation. What better time than your anniversary to enjoy the beach at a beautiful resort?
          • Explore a new city. Whether you’re on a budget or have a lot saved up, you can have a great time just exploring an unfamiliar town.
          • Rent a cabin for a weekend away, in the woods or next to a lake or ocean. If you like the outdoors but can only take so much nature, try glamping.
            • Go on a retreat. Yoga retreats, meditation retreats, beautiful natural surroundings … they’re all the rage. Search for centeredness and calm with your partner.
            • Spend a day at a food festival. Many cities have fun and affordable food festivals, occasionally based on a theme. Check out your town’s (or a nearby city) calendar for inspiration!

            New & Exciting Experiences

            1. Go spelunking. Dark, damp, and utterly exciting!
            2. Go on a hot air balloon ride. Because the basket is relatively small, this can be a romantic and deeply personal – and yet thrilling –
              experience.
              • Try sky diving. If you and you S.O. are real thrill-seekers, sky diving can really push you to the edge!
              • Explore the underwater world by snorkeling or scuba diving. This may take you far away from where you normally live and work, which is an added bonus.
              • Experience white water rafting.
              • Drive or hike to the highest spot nearby for a new view of the world. America has tons of beautiful mountains where challenging hikes (or drives) can deliver breathtaking views.
              • Take a craft or cooking class. Up your craft skills or food  making skills, and enjoy something new!
                • Take a wine and painting class today. These classes are easily found these days and even a beginning painter can create a nice painting. Challenging but relaxing, fun, and you get to go home with some artwork!
                • Learn to salsa dance. Dancing is a fantastic way to actively get closer and coordinate physically with one another.
                  • Visit a nearby festival you’ve always wanted to go to. Have fun and let go with fellow audience-members!
                  • Spend the day at an amusement park together. Laugh and carry on like teenagers.
                  • Meet new people! At a restaurant, concert, or class, make it a point to meet new friends. Striking up conversation with someone you don’t know – but with whom you have shared interests – can be an adventurous and rewarding experience.

                  Whether your budget is big or small, and whether you have a little or a ton of time together, focus on each other. There are tons of options, in terms of location, level of physical activity, and cost. You can make the day special in a way that’s right for you!

                  Featured photo credit: Photo by Taylor L. Spurgeon on Unsplash via unsplash.com

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