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How To Never Have an Awkward Silence Again

How To Never Have an Awkward Silence Again

It’s senior year of college.

The bar in East Los Angeles is packed with classmates reminiscing about what jobs people have lined up. Most people are standing around, chatting and drinking beer.

Across the room I see a beautiful girl that I’ve always been dying to meet.

A friend introduces me. We talk. We laugh. My friend slides away leaving the two of us to get to know each other better.

After the first five minutes, we run out of things to talk about. After about seven minutes, she gets up, says “Nice to meet you”, and leaves. Just like that.

Awkward silences distance you from the person you are talking to and kill conversations. They are in-your-face reminders showing you how much you don’t have in common with the other person. Luckily, they don’t have to happen.

Here are a few ways to never have an awkward silence again.

1. Don’t Censor Yourself

 People limit themselves when they talk. Too often we are afraid to say the wrong thing or something disagreeable, and we either don’t share what’s on our mind, or we only partially do. Share what you care about! Don’t assume people will be bored or upset with you.

Bad Example

Person: “Did you see the game?”

 You: “Nah I was busy because I had a soccer game last night.”

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 Better Example

Person: “Did you see the game?”

 You: “No, I actually don’t like watching sports and think that playing them is so much more fun. I had my own soccer game last night, which is where I personally get my competitive side out.”

Action Step #1: Treat your next conversation like a Rorschach blot opportunity to share something about yourself. Say the first thing that comes to your mind – bonus points for trying to be vulnerable.

Quick Examples:

Mexico – Talk about Mexican food.

Movies – Talk about the last panda documentary you saw.

Music – Talk about the awesome jazz concert you went to.

Don’t be afraid of saying the wrong thing! Everything is fair game.

2. Don’t Ask Boring Questions

 Where are you from? What do you do? What is your job like? I’m sick of it already. People are horrible when it comes to asking questions. They don’t realize they are acting like robots, and even if they want to connect with someone more, they don’t know what to say! Lucky for you, you know better.

Asking questions should break people out of robot-mode.

People are so used to hearing about other peoples’ banal details and resume that they tune out, or worse, respond in monotone boredom when asked all the same questions. The trick then is to ask the right ones at the right time. Now what are the right questions? Any question that allows that person’s individuality to shine through! These are questions that are fun, different, and usually a surprise to the person.

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Bad Example

You: “So where are you from?”

 Person: “Oh, East LA, what about yourself?”

 You: “NorCal, but I’m down here for school.”

 Person: “Cool.”

 Better Example

You: “Nice to meet you. I can’t believe I’m not the only person here this house was so hard to find.”

 Person: “Haha I know I got a little lost myself.”

 You: “You must be from around here if you got here this easily, though. Are you from LA?”

 Person: “Yeah, East LA! What about you?”

 Action Step #2: The next time you meet someone new, don’t ask him or her “Where are you from?” or “What do you do?” See how long you can go without reverting back to these basic questions. Instead, try to make a comment about the setting, event, etc. and ask a question that they can answer “Yes” or “No” to. “Are you having a good day?” is way more effective than “How are you?” because you can ask “How come?” or “Why?” afterwards and make a deeper connection!

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3. Be Quiet Sometimes 

 Now, this might seem counterintuitive. You might think that by trying to avoid awkward silences, we’re trying to avoid silence all together. And you’d be dead wrong.

Think about the last time that you were hanging out with a best friend, someone you’re really close with.  Were you talking the whole time? Odds are you weren’t. In fact, we’re most comfortable with our good friends that we feel we can be silent when they’re around. In fact, being able to be silent without worrying about what to say is part of what allows our relationship with that person to be what it is.

Being silent (and calm!) with people that you meet for the first time is scary. We feel that we need to continuously ask questions or talk about ourselves nonstop. But try it. Be present and in the conversation, be calm, maybe maintain a little eye contact to let the person know you aren’t drifting off. Usually the other person will continue talking or will appreciate the silence and even feel like an old friend!

Bad Example

You: “Hey how are you doing?”

 Person: “Good, what about you?”

 You: “I’m good thanks”

 *crickets*

 Better Example

You: “What’s up, are you having a good day?”

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Person: “Yeah, I guess so” 

You: “How come?”

 Person: “I just got promoted at my job.”

 You: *silence*

 Person: “It’s actually at a car dealership and I actually don’t know if I want to stay there long term.”

 Usually, strategic silences (usually if the person, in your opinion, hasn’t shared all they could have) open people up. They will keep talking, revealing more things about themselves that you can connect on.

 Action Step #3: In your next conversation, and as nonjudgmentally as possible, take a conversational pause after the person finishes telling you something. This is not to say zone out. But give the other person the chance to share more and elaborate on whatever they just told you. Chances are it will make the other person feel comfortable with you too.

What has or hasn’t worked for you when it comes to defeating awkward silences?

Featured photo credit: Picjumbo.com via picjumbo.com

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Last Updated on July 3, 2020

30 Small Habits To Lead A More Peaceful Life

30 Small Habits To Lead A More Peaceful Life

In today’s world, true peace must come from within us and our own actions. Here are 30 small things you can do on a regular basis to increase your overall sense of harmony, peace, and well-being:

1. Don’t go to every fight you’re invited to

Particularly when you’re around those who thrive on chaos, be willing to decline the invitation to join in on the drama.

2. Focus on your breath

Throughout the day, stop to take a few deep breaths. Keep stress at bay with techniques such as “square breathing.” Breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, then out for four counts, and hold again for four counts. Repeat this cycle four times.

3. Get organized and purge old items

A cluttered space often creates a cluttered spirit. Take the time to get rid of anything you haven’t used in a year and invest in organizational systems that help you sustain a level of neatness.

4. Stop yourself from being judgmental

Whenever you are tempted to have an opinion about someone else’s life, check your intentions. Judging others creates and promotes negative energy.

5. Say ‘thank you’ early and often

Start and end each day with an attitude of gratitude. Look for opportunities in your daily routine and interactions to express appreciation.

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6. Smile more

Even if you have to “fake it until you make it,” there are many scientific benefits of smiling and laughing. Also, pay attention to your facial expression when you are doing neutral activities such as driving and walking. Turn that frown upside down!

7. Don’t worry about the future

As difficult as this sounds, there is a direct connection between staying in the present and living a more peaceful life. You cannot control the future. As the old proverb goes, “Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it won’t get you anywhere.” Practice gently bringing your thoughts back to the present.

8. Eat real food

The closer the food is to the state from which it came from the earth, the better you will feel in eating it. Choose foods that grew from a plant over food that was made in a plant.

9. Choose being happy over being right

Too often, we sacrifice inner peace in order to make a point. It’s rarely worth it.

10. Keep technology out of the bedroom

Many studies, such as one conducted by Brigham and Women’s Hospital, have connected blue light of electronic devices before bed to adverse sleep and overall health. To make matters worse, many people report that they cannot resist checking email and social media when their cell phone is in reach of their bed, regardless of the time.

11. Make use of filtering features on social media

You may not want to “unfriend” someone completely, however you can choose whether you want to follow their posts and/or the sources of information that they share.

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12. Get comfortable with silence

When you picture someone who is the ultimate state of peace, typically they aren’t talking.

13. Listen to understand, not to respond

So often in conversations, we use our ears to give us cues about when it is our turn to say what we want to say. Practice active listening, ask questions, process, then speak.

14. Put your troubles in a bubble

Whenever you start to feel anxious, visualize the situation being wrapped in a bubble and then picture that sphere floating away.

15. Speak more slowly

Often a lack of peace manifests itself in fast or clipped speech. Take a breath, slow down, and let your thoughtful consideration drive your words.

16. Don’t procrastinate

Nothing adds stress to our lives like waiting until the last minute.

17. Buy a coloring book

Mandala coloring books for adults are becoming more popular because of their connection to creating inner peace.

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18. Prioritize yourself

You are the only person who you are guaranteed to live with 24 hours a day for the rest of your life.

19. Forgive others

Holding a grudge is hurting you exponentially more than anyone else. Let it go.

20. Check your expectations

Presumption often leads to drama. Remember the old saying, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.”

21. Engage in active play

Let your inner child come out and have some fun. Jump, dance, play, and pretend!

22. Stop criticizing yourself

The world is a hard enough place with more than enough critics. Your life is not served well by being one of them.

23. Focus your energy and attention on what you want

Thoughts, words, and actions all create energy. Energy attracts like energy. Put out what you want to get back.

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24. Assign yourself “complaint free” days.

Make a conscious decision not to complain about anything for a whole day. It might be harder than you think and the awareness will stick with you.

25. Surround yourself with people you truly enjoy being in the company of

Personalities tend to be contagious, and not everyone’s is worth catching. Be judicious in your choices.

26. Manage your money

Financial concerns rank top on the list of what causes people stress. Take the time each month to do a budget, calculate what you actually spend and sanity check that against the money you have coming in.

27. Stop trying to control everything

Not only is your inner control freak sabotaging your sense of peace, it is also likely getting in the way of external relationships as well.

28. Practice affirmations

Repeat positive phrases that depict the life and qualities you want to attract. It may not come naturally to you, but it works.

29. Get up before sunrise

Personally witnessing the dawn brings a unique sense of awe and appreciation for life.

30. Be yourself

Nothing creates more inner discord than trying to be something other than who we really are. Authenticity breeds happiness.

Featured photo credit: man watching sunrise via stokpic.com

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