Advertising

Becoming Your Own Queen Bee

Advertising
Becoming Your Own Queen Bee

Queen bee. Ruler of the bees. The solo reproductive female in a colony of honeybees. Or, according to online encyclopedias: “A woman or girl in a social circle that dominates or is controlling in her position. The alpha female. The ‘leader of the pack.’ She ascends over her peers, influencing decisions and commanding her rule.”

This is not an uncommon tale, and it most definitely exists in many realms. I know I have had my share of queen bees in my lifetime, throughout my formative years mostly. Perhaps it is a developmental notion, a way for youths to create social structure and find order in their heady, bumbling world.

Advertising

Dominance and control happens everywhere, and the fact that there is no such name for the queen bee’s male counterpart is interesting, at the very least. The term implies bossiness, maltreatment, corruption. The queen bee idea is imposed by young adult films such as Mean Girls, where she is to be feared, lest you suffer her incomprehensible wrath. You must remain on her good side or she will tear you down. You must do what she says. You must be her minion.

Except you don’t have to.

The term “queen bee” does not have to be a threatening thing. It doesn’t have to mean a reign of terror. A woman ruling is a beautiful and powerful idea — it actually needs as much light as we can give it. Except instead of ruling others, instead of controlling a group or domineering a social structure, how about we are the queen bee, ruling only ourselves? The queen of our own life, the queen of our own parlours, our own choices, our own timeframes. We sit on our thrones not to dominate others, but to shine as leaders of our own fate. We stand tall when others sling harmful words, confident in our power. We shine when we take the podium, the stage, or even the sidewalk. We let pettiness roll off our backs and we rule with kindness and courage. We listen to all people because real queens are wise, and they know that in order for people to hear us, we too must perfect the art of truly listening.

Advertising

Real queens know that we are never truly powerful by controlling — we are powerful because we never stop learning. We are beautiful because we are real, not because we build a version of ourselves to suit anybody else. We understand that we do not need to dominate in order to be loved. We do not need to instil violence or fear in order to rule sufficiently. We are respected because we respect others, and because we respect ourselves.

Bee inspired.

For want of a less cheesy quote, I have always — since I was a girl young enough to be influenced by my peers — found this quote to be of happy help. It was spoken by Sara Crewe, the brave and adventurous little princess who loved magic and who believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that all girls are beautiful, talented, unstoppable. She knew that being a princess didn’t mean sparkly pink dresses and a prince — it meant having the heart of a warrior. And she knew that girls didn’t need to rule one another at all, because given the platform to unite instead of compete, these girls would someday grow from princesses into queens.

Advertising

“I am a princess. All girls are! Even if they live in tiny old attics, even if they dress in rags, even if they aren’t pretty, or smart, or young, they’re still princesses — all of us!” — Sara Crewe

Featured photo credit: Flickr via flickr.com

Advertising

More by this author

What Your Coffee Preferences Say About Your Personality You Are Never Too Old To Set Another Goal or To Dream A New Dream The Real Reason Why Most People Cannot Achieve Their Goals 25+ Quotes That Bring You Inner Peace To Face With Every Challenge What Is Lactose Intolerance And What To Do If You Have It

Trending in Communication

1 15 Things You Don’t Need To Apologize For (Though You Think You Do) 2 10 Proven Ways to Judge a Person’s Character 3 10 Scientifically Proven Ways To Stay Happy All The Time 4 8 Signs That Your Current Relationship Has No Future 5 How to Learn a Language in Just 30 Minutes a Day

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on November 18, 2021

10 Proven Ways to Judge a Person’s Character

Advertising
10 Proven Ways to Judge a Person’s Character

We all fall into the trap of judging a person’s character by their appearance. How wrong we are! All too often, the real character of the person only appears when some negative event hits them or you. Then you may see a toxic person emerging from the ruins and it is often a shock.

A truly frightening example is revealed in the book by O’Toole in Bowman called Dangerous Instincts: How Gut Instincts Betray Us. A perfectly respectable, charming, well dressed neighbor was found to have installed a torture chamber in his garage where he was systematically abusing kidnapped women. This is an extreme example, but it does show how we can be totally deceived by a person’s physical appearance, manners and behavior.

So, what can you do? You want to be able to assess personal qualities when you come into contact with colleagues, fresh acquaintances and new friends who might even become lifelong partners. You want to know if they are:

  • honest
  • reliable
  • competent
  • kind and compassionate
  • capable of taking the blame
  • able to persevere
  • modest and humble
  • pacific and can control anger.

The secret is to reserve judgment and take your time. Observe them in certain situations; look at how they react. Listen to them talking, joking, laughing, explaining, complaining, blaming, praising, ranting, and preaching. Only then will you be able to judge their character. This is not foolproof, but if you follow the 10 ways below, you have a pretty good chance of not ending up in an abusive relationship.

1. Is anger a frequent occurrence?

All too often, angry reactions which may seem to be excessive are a sign that there are underlying issues. Do not think that every person who just snaps and throws his/her weight around mentally and physically is just reacting normally. Everyone has an occasional angry outburst when driving or when things go pear-shaped.

Advertising

But if this is almost a daily occurrence, then you need to discover why and maybe avoid that person. Too often, anger will escalate to violent and aggressive behavior. You do not want to be near someone who thinks violence can solve personal or global problems.

2. Can you witness acts of kindness?

How often do you see this person being kind and considerate? Do they give money to beggars, donate to charity, do voluntary work or in some simple way show that they are willing to share the planet with about 7 billion other people?

I was shocked when a guest of mine never showed any kindness to the weak and disadvantaged people in our town. She was ostensibly a religious person, but I began to doubt the sincerity of her beliefs.

“The best index to a person’s character is how he treats people who can’t do him any good, and how he treats people who can’t fight back.”

Abigail Van Buren

3. How does this person take the blame?

Maybe you know that s/he is responsible for a screw-up in the office or even in not turning up on time for a date. Look at their reaction. If they start blaming other colleagues or the traffic, well, this is an indication that they are not willing to take responsibility for their mistakes.

4. Don’t use Facebook as an indicator.

You will be relieved to know that graphology (the study of that forgotten skill of handwriting) is no longer considered a reliable test of a person’s character. Neither is Facebook stalking, fortunately. A study showed that Facebook use of foul language, sexual innuendo and gossip were not reliable indicators of a candidate’s character or future performance in the workplace.

5. Read their emails.

Now a much better idea is to read the person’s emails. Studies show that the use of the following can indicate certain personality traits:

  • Too many exclamation points may reveal a sunny disposition
  • Frequent errors may indicate apathy
  • Use of smileys is the only way a person can smile at you
  • Use of the third person may reveal a certain formality
  • Too many question marks can show anger
  • Overuse of capital letters is regarded as shouting. They are a definite no-no in netiquette, yet a surprising number of  people still use them.

6. Watch out for the show offs.

Listen to people as they talk. How often do they mention their achievements, promotions, awards and successes? If this happens a lot, it is a sure indication that this person has an over-inflated view of his/her achievements. They are unlikely to be modest or show humility. What a pity!  Another person to avoid.

7. Look for evidence of perseverance.

A powerful indicator of grit and tenacity is when a person persists and never gives up when they really want to achieve a life goal. Look for evidence of them keeping going in spite of enormous difficulties.

Advertising

Great achievements by scientists and inventors all bear the hallmark of perseverance. We only have to think of Einstein, Edison (who failed thousands of times) and Nelson Mandela to get inspiration. The US Department of Education is in no doubt about how grit, tenacity and perseverance will be key success factors for youth in the 21st century.

8. Their empathy score is high.

Listen to how they talk about the less fortunate members of our society such as the poor, immigrants and the disabled. Do you notice that they talk in a compassionate way about these people? The fact that they even mention them is a strong indicator of empathy.

People with zero empathy will never talk about the disadvantaged. They will rarely ask you a question about a difficult time or relationship. They will usually steer the conversation back to themselves. These people have zero empathy and in extreme cases, they are psychopaths who never show any feelings towards their victims.

9. Learn how to be socially interactive.

We are social animals and this is what makes us so uniquely human. If a person is isolated or a loner, this may be a negative indicator of their character. You want to meet a person who knows about trust, honesty and loyalty. The only way to practice these great qualities is to actually interact socially. The great advantage is that you can share problems and celebrate success and joy together.

“One can acquire everything in solitude, except character.”

Stendhal

 10. Avoid toxic people.

These people are trying to control others and often are failing to come to terms with their own failures. Typical behavior and conversations may concern:

  • Envy or jealousy
  • Criticism of partners, colleagues and friends
  • Complaining about their own lack of success
  • Blaming others for their own bad luck or failure
  • Obsession with themselves and their problems

Listen to these people talk and you will quickly discover that you need to avoid them at all costs because their negativity will drag you down. In addition, as much as you would like to help them, you are not qualified to do so.

Now, having looked at some of the best ways to judge a person, what about yourself? How do others see you? Why not take Dr. Phil’s quiz and find out. Can you bear it?

Featured photo credit: Jacek Dylag via unsplash.com

Advertising

Read Next