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Alone Time Is Good For Us, Research Says

Alone Time Is Good For Us, Research Says

Our world is more hyper-connected than ever. We have smartphones, tablets, iPods, laptops, and a few of us even have those soon-to-be relics called desktops. We’re so addicted that – according to Pew Research Center – 67% of cellphone owners find themselves checking their phone even when they don’t notice it ring or vibrate, and 21% of us report going online “almost constantly.” We’re so busy networking – online and off – that we leave little time for ourselves. But here’s the thing – alone time has some significant benefits.

Science shows that we overestimate how much we need people and underestimate the value of solitary experiences.

In essence, it comes down to a PR problem. Being alone has a bad rap. It is often erroneously associated with being lonely or anti-social – both of which are not beneficial to health. But being alone is distinct from these conditions, and research is mounting on its benefits to body and mind. For example, a recent study published in the Journal of Consumer Research found that those, “who forego hedonic activities alone are missing out on opportunities for rewarding experiences.”

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So, what are the benefits of being alone? Here are five ways that being alone will enrich your life.

1. Alone time can help you rest and recharge

If you’re like most people, you are continually overwhelmed by an onslaught of distractions, and a lot of it comes in the form of other people. Meetings, phone calls, texts, social media, parties, and date nights. You’re rushing here and there, trying to keep the mental Rolodex of your contacts and tasks straight. You need a break.

Being alone allows you the opportunity to settle your nerves, decompress and regain clarity and focus. Whether it’s taking a hot bath, doing a 10-minute meditation or just enjoying a few moments by yourself, alone time can help you collect your thoughts and harness the energy you need for the rest of the day.

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2. Being alone enhances creativity

Susan Cain, the author of the book Quiet, told Scientific American, “solitude is a crucial (and underrated) ingredient for creativity.” While brainstorming is often touted as the solution to producing creative ideas, decades of research shows that it can backfire. People may feel constricted in groups, worried about what others will think of their ideas, or just not motivated to commit to a deep exploration.

On your own – whether it’s at home, in a cafe, on a city street, or in nature – you have space and the permission to open up your mind and discover new ideas and possibilities.

3. You get more done when you’re alone

Back in 1913, an agricultural engineer named Maximilien Ringelmann found that individuals put in more effort when working alone on a task (rope pulling, in this early 1900’s instance) than when working together collectively in a group. Known as “social loafing,” this phenomenon has been replicated in numerous studies in different situations over time. Think about your last group project – can you remember one “loafer” you encountered? I thought so, and it probably didn’t help create the best product or the most positive experience for anyone.

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Interestingly, even when someone thinks they’re contributing their maximal effort to a group, studies show that they aren’t. Much of this is due to a loss of motivation, unclear goals, or an inability to coordinate group efforts. Being alone is when you can harness your motivation and ultimately get more done.

4. Solitude can boost intimacy

In religious terms, solitude can serve as a time to be at one with God. And for the one-third to one-half of the population who are introverts, it’s a chance to reconnect with oneself. But psychological studies have found that the benefits of being alone extend beyond introverts and the spiritual. Disconnecting offers a powerful opportunity to regulate our lives and strengthen ties.

Spending time alone can help you reassess and gain perspective on relationships and supplies a much-needed break from socializing. This way, when you return to the social world, you can be more fully engaged with loved ones and less distracted by your own internal monologue. Plus, through activities you pursue solo, you might meet new and exciting people that you would never have encountered otherwise.

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5. You have the greatest gift of all when you’re alone: freedom

Any parent will tell you that one thing they miss dearly now that they have kids is freedom. Young college grads will commiserate that, although they “love” their roommates, they can’t wait for them to leave for a weekend. Even newlyweds sometimes celebrate when the other is away.

Let’s face it, the freedom to do what we want, when, and how we want it, becomes rarer as we get older. Taking time to detach, disconnect and spend time by yourself – doing whatever it is you want on your own terms – helps to improve mood, create balance, and enrich perspective. No boundaries, no judgment, no negotiating. It reminds you that you are in control of your life and that fulfillment ultimately comes from within.

Featured photo credit: Yanko Peyankov via images.unsplash.com

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Published on May 4, 2021

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

They say we are the average of the five persons we spend the most time with. For a minute, consider the people around you. Are they truly who your “tribe” should be or who you aspire to become in the future? Are they really genuine people who want to see you succeed? Or are they fake people who don’t really want to see you happy?

In this article, I’ll review why it is important to surround yourself with genuine individuals—the ones who care, bring something to our table, and first and foremost, who leave all fakeness behind.

How to Spot Fake People?

When you’ve been working in the helping professions for a while, spotting fake people gets a bit easier. There are some very clear signs that the person you are looking at is hiding something, acting somehow, or simply wanting to get somewhere. Most often, there is a secondary gain—perhaps attention, sympathy, or even a promotion.

Whatever it is, you’re better off working their true agenda and staying the hell away. Here are some things you should look out for to help spot fake people.

1. Full of Themselves

Fake people like to show off. They love looking at themselves in the mirror. They collect photos and videos of every single achievement they had and every part of their body and claim to be the “best at what they do.”

Most of these people are actually not that good in real life. But they act like they are and ensure that they appear better than the next person. The issue for you is that you may find yourself always feeling “beneath” them and irritated at their constant need to be in the spotlight.

2. Murky in Expressing Their Emotions

Have you ever tried having a deep and meaningful conversation with a fake person? It’s almost impossible. It’s because they have limited emotional intelligence and don’t know how they truly feel deep down—and partly because they don’t want to have their true emotions exposed, no matter how normal these might be.

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It’s much harder to say “I’m the best at what I do” while simultaneously sharing “average” emotions with “equal” people.

3. Zero Self-Reflection

To grow, we must accept feedback from others. We must be open to our strengths and to our weaknesses. We must accept that we all come in different shapes and can always improve.

Self-reflection requires us to think, forgive, admit fault, and learn from our mistakes. But to do that, we have to be able to adopt a level of genuineness and depth that fake people don’t routinely have. A fake person generally never apologizes, but when they do, it is often followed with a “but” in the next breath.

4. Unrealistic Perceptions

Fake people most often have an unrealistic perception of the world—things that they want to portray to others (pseudo achievements, materialistic gains, or a made-up sense of happiness) or simply how they genuinely regard life outside themselves.

A lot of fake people hide pain, shame, and other underlying reasons in their behavior. This could explain why they can’t be authentic and/or have difficulties seeing their environment for the way it objectively is (both good and bad).

5. Love Attention

As I mentioned earlier, the biggest sign that something isn’t quite right with someone’s behavior can be established by how much they love attention. Are you being interrupted every time you speak by someone who wants to make sure that the spotlight gets reverted back to them? Is the focus always on them, no matter the topic? If yes, you’re probably dealing with a fake person.

6. People Pleaser

Appreciation feels nice but having everyone like you is even better. While it is completely unrealistic for most people to please everyone all the time, fake people seem to always say yes in pursuit of constant approval.

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Now, this is a problem for two reasons. Firstly, these people are simply saying yes to things for their own satisfaction. Secondly, they often end up changing their minds or retracting their offer for one reason or another (“I would have loved to, but my grandmother suddenly fell ill.”), leaving you in the lurch for the 100th time this year.

7. Sarcasm and Cynicism

Behind the chronic pasted smile, fake people are well known for brewing resentment, jealousy, or anger. This is because, behind the postcard life, they are often unhappy. Sarcasm and cynicism are well known to act as a defense mechanism, sometimes even a diversion—anything so they can remain feeling on top of the world, whether it is through boosting themselves or bringing people down.

8. Crappy friend

Fake people are bad friends. They don’t listen to you, your feelings, and whatever news you might have to share. In fact, you might find yourself migrating away from them when you have exciting or bad news to share, knowing that it will always end up one way—their way. In addition, you might find that they’re not available when you truly need them or worse, cancel plans at the last minute.

It’s not unusual to hear that a fake person talks constantly behind people’s backs. Let’s be honest, if they do it to others, they’re doing it to you too. If your “friend” makes you feel bad constantly, trust me, they’re not achieving their purpose, and they’re simply not a good person to have around.

The sooner you learn to spot these fake people, the sooner you can meet meaningful individuals again.

How to Cope With Fake People Moving Forward?

It is important to remind yourself that you deserve more than what you’re getting. You are worthy, valuable, precious, and just as important as the next person.

There are many ways to manage fake people. Here are some tips on how to deal with them.

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1. Boundaries

Keep your boundaries very clear. As explained in the book Unlock Your Resilience, boundaries are what keep you sane when the world tries to suffocate you. When fake people become emotional vampires, make sure to keep your distances, limit contact, and simply replace them with more valuable interactions.

2. Don’t Take Their Behavior Personally

Sadly, they most likely have behaved this way before they knew you and will continue much longer after you have moved on. It isn’t about you. It is about their inner need to meet a void that you are not responsible for. And in all honesty, unless you are a trained professional, you are unlikely to improve it anyway.

3. Be Upfront and Honest About How You Feel

If your “friend” has been hurtful or engaged in behaviors you struggle with, let them know—nicely, firmly, however you want, but let them know that they are affecting you. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, you’ll feel better and when you’re ready to move on, you’ll know you tried to reach out. Your conscience is clear.

4. Ask for Advice

If you’re unsure about what you’re seeing or feeling, ask for advice. Perhaps a relative, a good friend, or a colleague might have some input as to whether you are overreacting or seeing some genuine concerns.

Now, don’t confuse asking for advice with gossiping behind the fake person’s back because, in the end, you don’t want to stoop down to their level. However, a little reminder as to how to stay on your own wellness track can never hurt.

5. Dig Deeper

Now, this one, I offer with caution. If you are emotionally strong, up to it, guaranteed you won’t get sucked into it, and have the skills to manage, perhaps you could dig into the reasons a fake person is acting the way they do.

Have they suffered recent trauma? Have they been rejected all their lives? Is their self-esteem so low that they must resort to making themselves feel good in any way they can? Sometimes, having an understanding of a person’s behavior can help in processing it.

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6. Practice Self-Care!

Clearly, putting some distance between the fake person and yourself is probably the way to go. However, sometimes, it takes time to get there. In the meantime, make sure to practice self-care, be gentle with yourself, and compensate with lots of positives!

Self-care can be as simple as taking a hot shower after talking to them or declining an invitation when you’re not feeling up to the challenge.

Spotting fake people isn’t too hard. They generally glow with wanna-be vibes. However, most often, there are reasons as to why they are like this. Calling their behavior might be the first step. Providing them with support might be the second. But if these don’t work, it’s time to stay away and surround yourself with the positivity that you deserve.

Final Thoughts

Remember that life is a rollercoaster. It has good moments, tough moments, and moments you wouldn’t change for the world. So, look around and make sure that you take the time to choose the right people to share it all with.

We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with, so take a good look around and choose wisely!

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Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com

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