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10 German Jokes That Are Actually Funny

10 German Jokes That Are Actually Funny

If you thought that the Germans are not a funny group, then check out these hilarious jokes and have a laugh!

1. They have kangaroos in Germany?

English translation:

— Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

— Yes! Because a house can’t jump.

Original German:

— Kann ein Känguru höher als ein Haus springen?

— Ja! Weil ein Haus nicht springen kann.

2. You thought that ice was free?

English translation:

— “But Waiter, the coffee is cold!”

— “Thanks for telling me, sir! Ice coffee is one Euro more….”

Original German:

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“Aber Herr Ober, der Kaffee ist ja kalt!” “Gut, dass Sie mir das sagen, mein Herr! Eiskaffee kostet nämlich einen Euro mehr …”

3. The only thing funnier than Germans is German grammar

English translation:

The German teacher asks Bini: “What case is it, if you say “Learning brings me joy?” Bini considers briefly: “A rare one, Mr. Teacher.”

Original German:

Der Deutschlehrer fragt Bini: “Was ist das für ein Fall, wenn du sagst: Das Lernen macht mir Freude?” Bini überlegt nicht lange: “Ein seltener, Herr Lehrer.”

4. Husbands hate shopping in every language, apparently

English translation:

— “Boss, can I leave work two hours early today? My wife wants me to go shopping with her.”

— “That’s out of the question.”

— “Thanks, boss! I knew you wouldn’t let me down.

Original German:

“Chef, darf ich heute zwei Stunden früher Schluss machen? Meine Frau will mit mir einkaufen gehen.” “Kommt gar nicht in Frage.” “Vielen Dank Chef, ich wusste, sie würden mich nicht im Stich lassen.”

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5. Apparently crimes work better in rural places

English translation:

The judge to the accused: “You are accused of having driven your neighbors into the forest with curse words and there beaten them quite horribly. Didn’t you go a little far, Defendant.?” Answer: “Yes, that’s right, Your Honor, I should have done it earlier in the meadow!”

Original German:

Der Richter zum Angeklagten: “Sie sind beschuldigt, Ihren Nachbarn unter Schimpfworten in den Wald getrieben und dort ganz fürchterlich verprügelt zu haben. Sind Sie da nicht ein bisschen zu weit gegangen, Angeklagter?” Antwort: “Ja, das stimmt, Herr Richter! Ich hätte es schon vorher auf der Wiese tun sollen!”

6. Papa needs his medicine

English translation:

An old woman drinks whisky for the first time. She thinks for a while, and then says: “Strange, the stuff tastes exactly like the medicine my late husband had to take for twenty years!”

Original German:

Eine alte Dame trinkt zum ersten Mal Whisky. Sie überlegt eine Weile und meint dann: “Merkwürdig, das Zeug schmeckt genau so wie die Medizin, die mein seliger Mann zwanzig Jahre einnehmen musste.”

7. Guys, gross…

English translation:

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I have a bowel movement every morning at 7!

Doctor: But that’s great!

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Patient: But I wake up at 7:30!

Original German:

Herr Doktor, Herr Doktor, ich hab jeden Morgen um 7 Uhr Stuhlgang!” – “Ja, das ist doch sehr gut!” – “Aber ich steh erst um halb acht auf!”

8. Nothing like a little divorce humor

English translation:

— What do women and hand grenades have in common?

— When you pull the ring off, your house goes away.

Original German:

— Was haben Frauen und Handgranaten gemeinsam?

— Ziehst du den Ring ab, ist dein Haus weg!

9. Germans do love their dogs….

English translation:

My dog used to chase after people on a bike, until I took away his bike.

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Original German:

Mein Hund jagte immer Leuten auf dem Fahrrad hinterher, bis ich ihm das Fahrrad wegnahm!

10. TBH we don’t really get this one

English translation:

—“Hey Philipp, how was your vacation?”

—“Horrible! In the hotel I had room number 100. And the 1 fell off the sign on the door!”

Original German:

—”Hey Philipp, wie war denn der Urlaub?”

—”Gräßlich! Im Hotel hatte ich Zimmernummer hundert. Und vom Türschild ist die Eins abgefallen!”

(Hint: In Germany public restrooms are marked with 00.)

Featured photo credit: meenakshi madhavan via flickr.com

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Last Updated on May 15, 2019

How to Tap Into the Power of Positivity

How to Tap Into the Power of Positivity

As it appears, the human mind is not capable of not thinking, at least on the subconscious level. Our mind is always occupied by thoughts, whether we want to or not, and they influence our every action.

“Happiness cannot come from without, it comes from within.” – Helen Keller

When we are still children, our thoughts seem to be purely positive. Have you ever been around a 4-year old who doesn’t like a painting he or she drew? I haven’t. Instead, I see glee, exciting and pride in children’s eyes. But as the years go by, we clutter our mind with doubts, fears and self-deprecating thoughts.

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Just imagine then how much we limit ourselves in every aspect of our lives if we give negative thoughts too much power! We’ll never go after that job we’ve always wanted because our nay-saying thoughts make us doubt our abilities. We’ll never ask that person we like out on a date because we always think we’re not good enough.

We’ll never risk quitting our job in order to pursue the life and the work of our dreams because we can’t get over our mental barrier that insists we’re too weak, too unimportant and too dumb. We’ll never lose those pounds that risk our health because we believe we’re not capable of pushing our limits. We’ll never be able to fully see our inner potential because we simply don’t dare to question the voices in our head.

But enough is enough! It’s time to stop these limiting beliefs and come to a place of sanity, love and excitement about life, work and ourselves.

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So…how exactly are we to achieve that?

It’s not as hard as it may seem; you just have to practice, practice, practice. Here are a few ideas on how you can get started.

1. Learn to substitute every negative thought with a positive one.

Every time a negative thought crawls into your mind, replace it with a positive thought. It’s just like someone writes a phrase you don’t like on a blackboard and then you get up, erase it and write something much more to your liking.

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2. See the positive side of every situation, even when you are surrounded by pure negativity.

This one is a bit harder to put into practice, which does not mean it’s impossible.

You can find positivity in everything by mentally holding on to something positive, whether this be family, friends, your faith, nature, someone’s sparkling eyes or whatever other glimmer of beauty. If you seek it, you will find it.

3. At least once a day, take a moment and think of 5 things you are grateful for.

This will lighten your mood and give you some perspective of what is really important in life and how many blessings surround you already.

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4. Change the mental images you allow to enter your mind.

How you see yourself and your surroundings make a huge difference to your thinking. It is like watching a DVD that saddens and frustrates you, completely pulling you down. Eject that old DVD, throw it away and insert a new, better, more hopeful one instead.

So, instead of dwelling on dark, negative thoughts, consciously build and focus on positive, light and colorful images, thoughts and situations in your mind a few times a day.

If you are persistent and keep on working on yourself, your mind will automatically reject its negative thoughts and welcome the positive ones.

And remember: You are (or will become) what you think you are. This is reason enough to be proactive about whatever is going on in your head.

Featured photo credit: Kyaw Tun via unsplash.com

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