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6 Effective Ways To Bring More Kindness Into Your Life

6 Effective Ways To Bring More Kindness Into Your Life

Kindness is becoming rare and sometimes if feels as though we live in a very hostile world. We are more connected than ever these days with social media and the 24 hour news cycle, so it is easy to become saturated with the conflict, politics, poverty and discord of the world around us. For people who work in high needs care industries; doctors, nurses, emergency service personnel, social workers, criminal lawyers; or ordinary people who care for elderly or ill family members, life can become a cycle of stress and trauma and they can begin to suffer from compassion fatigue.

Whether it is from too much exposure to ‘bad news’ or too much exposure to the suffering of people around us, we can start to show physical, mental and emotional symptoms. There’s no denying that this type of negativity is bad for our health.

However, studies have shown that kindness and generosity are not only great for our health, they’re contagious and self perpetuating.

The more people are good to one another, the more both the givers and the receivers want to do it. Furthermore, altruism and empathy have been found in species other than humans. Biological altruism, whether conscious or not, is evident in animals and insects alike, especially those that have very well organised systems, like ants, for example.

So how do we strike a balance between giving and not giving too much? How do we live our lives in a way that enhances our humanity and our altruistic nature, without letting it destroy us?

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Juliana Breines, Ph.D from the Greater Good Science Center says that there are several ways to strike that balance. We must strive to feel connected and supported with one another thereby achieving ‘attachment security’. We can also wonder at the world and universe around us: revel in nature, indulge in our humanness and what it can achieve. Take ‘awe walks’ out in nature or sit in silence in a magnificent building, walk over a long bridge, lie in a meadow and stare at the clouds.

Similarly, kindness meditation and practicing mindfulness can help us to stay in the present moment and regulate our breathing and blood pressure. We must strive to turn benevolence into a habit by participating in random acts of kindness regularly and whenever possible.

We also need to learn when it is OK to say no and when it is crucial that we are kind to ourselves first as forced kindness is abrasive and counter productive. Establishing ways to acknowledge our shared identity by, for example, putting a face to human suffering; educating ourselves about what other people experience and understanding the reality of those less fortunate will maintain our connectedness and keep us in touch with the reality of our privilege. Teaching kindness to children is another way that we can maximize mutual empathy from an early age.

Kindness doesn’t have to be exhausting or a chore. Kindness as a concept is a way to bring generosity and positivity to others as well as ourselves.

Here are 6 ways to bring more kindness into your life:

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Smile

Smile as much as you can muster. Not just at others, but also at yourself. Look in the mirror and smile. Be conscious of your facial expression regularly. Sometimes we are just concentrating or thinking and we don’t realize that we are scowling. Engage in things that make you laugh; genuinely laugh. There is nothing more satisfying than laughing hysterically at something until there are tears and everybody knows that laughter is contagious.

When you are out and about, make contact with people by projecting a happy disposition. You don’t have to look deranged to appear happy. Just make the effort and before you know it, it will become a habit. Try this experiment in the presence of children. If you smile at them, they almost always smile back. Making a concerted effort to smile will lead to feelings of contentment, which in turn makes us smile more and will attract kindness.

Give

Generosity is underrated. Give your stuff away. We all have so much junk and everything has become so disposable. Don’t try to sell old furniture or electronic devices. You’re not going to recoup much of what you spent anyway because things depreciate. Just give it away. Clothes, kitchen and electrical appliances, children’s toys: give them away for free. There are plenty of classifieds that you can access to do this. You can also give them to a number of charities who will pass them on to someone in need. Bigger things like white goods and cars can be easily passed around to family, friends and neighbors. When it’s time to replace something and you can afford to buy the new item, count your losses and give the old one away.

Also, donate to charity. Make it an annual commitment. Choose a charity or two that you feel passionately about and give them a cash donation every year. It’s tax deductible and if you do this, give yourself permission to say no to any other charities you come across that request donations.

You can’t give to every single one (by all means if you can, then do so!), but having one or two charities or not for profit organisations that you adopt – ones that you learn thoroughly about what they do and who they help, perhaps even volunteer for, will contribute to those feelings of connection that enhance our propensity to give.

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Receive

Feel good about receiving. When someone offers help, take it. When other people show concern for you and offer advice, take notice. Giving yourself permission to receive openly has benefits that we don’t often acknowledge. Being a good receiver is nurturing for you and beneficial to the giver. People feel good when they are giving, just as you want to feel good when you give, so by receiving you are promoting the cycle of kindness. We often associate receiving with guilt. We don’t feel worthy or want to immediately give in return to even the score. Don’t feel obliged to do that. Simply receive without needing to do anything in return, just say thank you. Feelings of appreciation and gratitude are ways to experience kindness that we don’t often consider.

Talk

Use your words. Don’t be afraid of confrontation or judgement. Sometimes we have valuable information that we should share and even if it isn’t received well initially, that information may help someone as an after thought. Use your intuition and share your experiences. The more we talk to people about ourselves the more we form valuable attachments with other humans. Talking to one another is an opportunity to bond and mimic emotion, which is the core ingredient for empathy.

Striking up a conversation isn’t difficult; just being friendly is all that is required. Saying hello can become very hollow. Make your greetings genuine; really ask someone how their day is going and mean it, even if you’re both in a hurry. You don’t have to tell strangers your life story, but making eye contact, projecting affection and making a true human connection with people is invaluable. Especially if you don’t feel like it. The effort is its own reward.

Listen

As much as you talk, be quiet and listen. When people open up to you or have something to say, don’t just stay quiet in wait for your turn to speak. That is not listening. Actually hear what they have to say and respond accordingly. Your turn to speak will come if the conversation is balanced and genuine and if it doesn’t maybe what you think you had to say wasn’t that important this time around after all.

When you truly listen to people you fill your being with information to last you a life time. You never know when that wisdom will come in handy. Listening also teaches us to read between the lines. When we honestly listen to someone, we don’t just hear their words; we read their body language and their facial expressions. We learn to understand that which is unspoken and that is truly listening and connecting.

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Care

Showing real affection and paying attention to people you come into contact with is something we often do only superficially. We become so absorbed in our own needs that we fail to really care about others. Often it is a genuine act of self preservation, especially if we are suffering from the aforementioned compassion fatigue. However, if we realize that caring for others is really caring for ourselves and if we understand that we are all connected, we can bring more kindness into our lives.

Stay abreast of what is going on in the world; get educated and informed. Choose wisely when it comes to sources of information and comprehend the reality of what people around the world are experiencing. Understand what your privileges are and what your obligations to other living beings and the planet ought to be. Kindness is something we can afford to give across continents, to other species and to the environment.

Kindness should become a way of life. It doesn’t mean denying our negative emotions or letting people take advantage of us. It means always having the intention to contribute something positive; sometimes even in the face of adversity. With practice, the act of kindness becomes a habit and we get stronger in the process; it teaches us to discern when it is appropriate to be selfless and when it is necessary to be selfish. If the intention to be altruistic and help others is a genuine one, then the outcome will always be constructive.

Featured photo credit: chattanongzen via shutterstock.com

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Diane Koopman

Writer, Author, Novelist, Self-Publisher

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Published on May 4, 2021

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

They say we are the average of the five persons we spend the most time with. For a minute, consider the people around you. Are they truly who your “tribe” should be or who you aspire to become in the future? Are they really genuine people who want to see you succeed? Or are they fake people who don’t really want to see you happy?

In this article, I’ll review why it is important to surround yourself with genuine individuals—the ones who care, bring something to our table, and first and foremost, who leave all fakeness behind.

How to Spot Fake People?

When you’ve been working in the helping professions for a while, spotting fake people gets a bit easier. There are some very clear signs that the person you are looking at is hiding something, acting somehow, or simply wanting to get somewhere. Most often, there is a secondary gain—perhaps attention, sympathy, or even a promotion.

Whatever it is, you’re better off working their true agenda and staying the hell away. Here are some things you should look out for to help spot fake people.

1. Full of Themselves

Fake people like to show off. They love looking at themselves in the mirror. They collect photos and videos of every single achievement they had and every part of their body and claim to be the “best at what they do.”

Most of these people are actually not that good in real life. But they act like they are and ensure that they appear better than the next person. The issue for you is that you may find yourself always feeling “beneath” them and irritated at their constant need to be in the spotlight.

2. Murky in Expressing Their Emotions

Have you ever tried having a deep and meaningful conversation with a fake person? It’s almost impossible. It’s because they have limited emotional intelligence and don’t know how they truly feel deep down—and partly because they don’t want to have their true emotions exposed, no matter how normal these might be.

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It’s much harder to say “I’m the best at what I do” while simultaneously sharing “average” emotions with “equal” people.

3. Zero Self-Reflection

To grow, we must accept feedback from others. We must be open to our strengths and to our weaknesses. We must accept that we all come in different shapes and can always improve.

Self-reflection requires us to think, forgive, admit fault, and learn from our mistakes. But to do that, we have to be able to adopt a level of genuineness and depth that fake people don’t routinely have. A fake person generally never apologizes, but when they do, it is often followed with a “but” in the next breath.

4. Unrealistic Perceptions

Fake people most often have an unrealistic perception of the world—things that they want to portray to others (pseudo achievements, materialistic gains, or a made-up sense of happiness) or simply how they genuinely regard life outside themselves.

A lot of fake people hide pain, shame, and other underlying reasons in their behavior. This could explain why they can’t be authentic and/or have difficulties seeing their environment for the way it objectively is (both good and bad).

5. Love Attention

As I mentioned earlier, the biggest sign that something isn’t quite right with someone’s behavior can be established by how much they love attention. Are you being interrupted every time you speak by someone who wants to make sure that the spotlight gets reverted back to them? Is the focus always on them, no matter the topic? If yes, you’re probably dealing with a fake person.

6. People Pleaser

Appreciation feels nice but having everyone like you is even better. While it is completely unrealistic for most people to please everyone all the time, fake people seem to always say yes in pursuit of constant approval.

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Now, this is a problem for two reasons. Firstly, these people are simply saying yes to things for their own satisfaction. Secondly, they often end up changing their minds or retracting their offer for one reason or another (“I would have loved to, but my grandmother suddenly fell ill.”), leaving you in the lurch for the 100th time this year.

7. Sarcasm and Cynicism

Behind the chronic pasted smile, fake people are well known for brewing resentment, jealousy, or anger. This is because, behind the postcard life, they are often unhappy. Sarcasm and cynicism are well known to act as a defense mechanism, sometimes even a diversion—anything so they can remain feeling on top of the world, whether it is through boosting themselves or bringing people down.

8. Crappy friend

Fake people are bad friends. They don’t listen to you, your feelings, and whatever news you might have to share. In fact, you might find yourself migrating away from them when you have exciting or bad news to share, knowing that it will always end up one way—their way. In addition, you might find that they’re not available when you truly need them or worse, cancel plans at the last minute.

It’s not unusual to hear that a fake person talks constantly behind people’s backs. Let’s be honest, if they do it to others, they’re doing it to you too. If your “friend” makes you feel bad constantly, trust me, they’re not achieving their purpose, and they’re simply not a good person to have around.

The sooner you learn to spot these fake people, the sooner you can meet meaningful individuals again.

How to Cope With Fake People Moving Forward?

It is important to remind yourself that you deserve more than what you’re getting. You are worthy, valuable, precious, and just as important as the next person.

There are many ways to manage fake people. Here are some tips on how to deal with them.

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1. Boundaries

Keep your boundaries very clear. As explained in the book Unlock Your Resilience, boundaries are what keep you sane when the world tries to suffocate you. When fake people become emotional vampires, make sure to keep your distances, limit contact, and simply replace them with more valuable interactions.

2. Don’t Take Their Behavior Personally

Sadly, they most likely have behaved this way before they knew you and will continue much longer after you have moved on. It isn’t about you. It is about their inner need to meet a void that you are not responsible for. And in all honesty, unless you are a trained professional, you are unlikely to improve it anyway.

3. Be Upfront and Honest About How You Feel

If your “friend” has been hurtful or engaged in behaviors you struggle with, let them know—nicely, firmly, however you want, but let them know that they are affecting you. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, you’ll feel better and when you’re ready to move on, you’ll know you tried to reach out. Your conscience is clear.

4. Ask for Advice

If you’re unsure about what you’re seeing or feeling, ask for advice. Perhaps a relative, a good friend, or a colleague might have some input as to whether you are overreacting or seeing some genuine concerns.

Now, don’t confuse asking for advice with gossiping behind the fake person’s back because, in the end, you don’t want to stoop down to their level. However, a little reminder as to how to stay on your own wellness track can never hurt.

5. Dig Deeper

Now, this one, I offer with caution. If you are emotionally strong, up to it, guaranteed you won’t get sucked into it, and have the skills to manage, perhaps you could dig into the reasons a fake person is acting the way they do.

Have they suffered recent trauma? Have they been rejected all their lives? Is their self-esteem so low that they must resort to making themselves feel good in any way they can? Sometimes, having an understanding of a person’s behavior can help in processing it.

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6. Practice Self-Care!

Clearly, putting some distance between the fake person and yourself is probably the way to go. However, sometimes, it takes time to get there. In the meantime, make sure to practice self-care, be gentle with yourself, and compensate with lots of positives!

Self-care can be as simple as taking a hot shower after talking to them or declining an invitation when you’re not feeling up to the challenge.

Spotting fake people isn’t too hard. They generally glow with wanna-be vibes. However, most often, there are reasons as to why they are like this. Calling their behavior might be the first step. Providing them with support might be the second. But if these don’t work, it’s time to stay away and surround yourself with the positivity that you deserve.

Final Thoughts

Remember that life is a rollercoaster. It has good moments, tough moments, and moments you wouldn’t change for the world. So, look around and make sure that you take the time to choose the right people to share it all with.

We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with, so take a good look around and choose wisely!

More Tips on Dealing With Fake People

Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com

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