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6 Valuable Thoughts About Relationships That Every Millennial Should Understand

6 Valuable Thoughts About Relationships That Every Millennial Should Understand

Dating nowadays is tricky. Defining whether you’re “talking” or “seeing each other” or “dating” seemingly has never been more complicated. For every decent relationship that last a few months, you get several dozen that are utter disaster from the get-go. But it does not have to be that way. Because of how complicated relationships and dating have become, we have compiled a list of dating tips that Millenials need to understand.

1. The person who cares more loses.

It’s tough to think of dating as a game, but the way relationships play out nowadays, it totally is. The person who cares more, invests more, does more, does not succeed in relationships anymore. This is likely because relationships are supposed to come naturally, and when you are acting out of character by caring more, it will reflect in how you treat your partner.

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2. Good relationships are not good all the time or all at once.

Our generation has a serious need for instant gratification. Whether it’s via online shopping or video entertainment or whatever else, Millenials are primed to order what they want and then receive it immediately. Relationships are not like that at all. They have peaks and valleys and last longer, and they don’t just arrive and overwhelm all at once. This is a tough one for Millenials to learn, but real relationships are more than just instant.

3. You can’t reset a relationship.

I remember being a kid and playing The Sims on my computer with my sister. We would build a house, start a family, and play it out. Inevitably, something would go wrong, and we would simply be able to restart the game from the beginning. In relationships, it is not like this. You have to be delicate and careful, considerate, involved, and directed at all times. Once something happens a relationship, it stays, and you cannot get rid of it. The only option is to work through it.

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4. The person they are on social media is not the person they are in real life.

Social media allows each of us to individually curate what we share and to develop a persona that is nearly the ideal person we wish we could be. Before getting into a relationship, we all need to realize that the person who is physically in front of us is the only real person we are trying to date. No matter how many happy photos there are on Facebook or how many celebrities they’ve selfied with on Instagram, they are just the person sitting across from you at dinner, no more, no less.

5. Chivalry is not dead, but it can be used as a test.

This one is mostly for guys. It’s 2015, and many girls will say that they don’t need doors held or for the man to get the check. But if it’s a real date that may lead to a real relationship, be casual about the bill and see if she is willing to split the tab. If she is, it’s likely she not just here because of the free meal and to stave off boredom, but rather because she is actually interested in you and a relationship. This won’t work everywhere, but, if it does, you can start putting a few eggs in the proverbial basket if you want.

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6. It will never be like in the movies, and it shouldn’t be.

If ever your dating life starts feeling like a John Hughes movie, maybe you should take a break. And if at any point, your relationship feels like that of the Nicholas Sparks movie The Notebook, you should probably end it. Those relationships are interesting because they are dramatic and unrealistic, and if anything you encounter resembles that, the person on the other end is probably mentally ill. I mean, in The Notebook, Ryan Gosling’s character refurbishes an entire house in the hopes that Rachel McAdams will notice. Is there any circumstance in which that would be normal in real life? I didn’t think so.

Featured photo credit: Couple Holding Hands/Fred Randolphkab via flickr.com

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Last Updated on February 21, 2019

The Secret to Effective Conflict Resolution: The IBR Approach

The Secret to Effective Conflict Resolution: The IBR Approach

In business, in social relationships, in family… In whatever context conflict is always inevitable, especially when you are in the leader role. This role equals “make decisions for the best of majority” and the remaining are not amused. Conflicts arise.

Conflicts arise when we want to push for a better quality work but some members want to take a break from work.

Conflicts arise when we as citizens want more recreational facilities but the Government has to balance the needs to maintain tourism growth.

Conflicts are literally everywhere.

Avoiding Conflicts a No-No and Resolving Conflicts a Win-Win

Avoiding conflicts seem to be a viable option for us. The cruel fact is, it isn’t. Conflicts won’t walk away by themselves. They will, instead, escalate and haunt you back even more when we finally realize that’s no way we can let it be.

Moreover, avoiding conflicts will eventually intensify the misunderstanding among the involved parties. And the misunderstanding severely hinders open communication which later on the parties tend to keep things secret. This is obviously detrimental to teamwork.

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Some may view conflicts as the last step before arguments. And they thus leave it aside as if they never happen. This is not true.

Conflicts are the intersect point between different individuals with different opinions. And this does not necessarily lead to argument.

Instead, proper handling of conflicts can actually result in a win-win situation – both parties are pleased and allies are gained. A better understanding between each other and future conflicts are less likely to happen.

The IBR Approach to Resolve Conflicts

Here, we introduce to you an effective approach to resolve conflicts – the Interest-Based Relational (IBR) approach. The IBR approach was developed by Roger Fisher and William Ury in their 1981 book Getting to Yes. It stresses the importance of the separation between people and their emotions from the problem. Another focus of the approach is to build mutual understanding and respect as they strengthen bonds among parties and can ultimately help resolve conflicts in a harmonious way. The approach suggests a 6-step procedure for conflict resolution:

Step 1: Prioritize Good Relationships

How? Before addressing the problem or even starting the discussion, make it clear the conflict can result in a mutual trouble and through subsequent respectful negotiation the conflict can be resolved peacefully. And that brings the best outcome to the whole team by working together.

Why? It is easy to overlook own cause of the conflict and point the finger to the members with different opinions. With such a mindset, it is likely to blame rather than to listen to the others and fail to acknowledge the problem completely. Such a discussion manner will undermine the good relationships among the members and aggravate the problem.

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Example: Before discussion, stress that the problem is never one’s complete fault. Everyone is responsible for it. Then, it is important to point out our own involvement in the problem and state clearly we are here to listen to everyone’s opinions rather than accusing others.

Step 2: People Are NOT the Cause of Problem

How? State clearly the problem is never one-sided. Collaborative effort is needed. More importantly, note the problem should not be taken personally. We are not making accusations on persons but addressing the problem itself.

Why? Once things taken personally, everything will go out of control. People will become irrational and neglect others’ opinions. We are then unable to address the problem properly because we cannot grasp a fuller and clearer picture of the problem due to presumption.

Example: In spite of the confronting opinions, we have to emphasize that the problem is not a result of the persons but probably the different perspectives to view it. So, if we try to look at the problem from the other’s perspective, we may understand why there are varied opinions.

Step 3: Listen From ALL Stances

How? Do NOT blame others. It is of utmost importance. Ask for everyone’s opinions. It is important to let everyone feel that they contribute to the discussion. Tell them their involvement is essential to solve the problem and their effort is very much appreciated.

Why? None wants to be ignored. If one feels neglected, it is very likely for he/she to be aggressive. It is definitely not what we hope to see in a discussion. Acknowledging and being acknowledged are equally important. So, make sure everyone has equal opportunity to express their views. Also, realizing their opinions are not neglected, they will be more receptive to other opinions.

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Example: A little trick can played here: Invite others to talk first. It is an easy way to let others feel involved and ,more importantly, know their voices are heard. Also, we can show that we are actively listening to them by giving direct eye-contact and nodding. One important to note is that never interrupt anyone. Always let them finish first beforeanother one begins.

Step 4: Listen Comes First, Talk Follows

How? Ensure everyone has listened to one another points of view. It can be done by taking turn to speak and leaving the discussion part at last. State once again the problem is nothing personal and no accusation should be made.

Why? By turn-taking, everyone can finish talking and voices of all sides can be heard indiscriminantly. This can promote willingness to listen to opposing opinions.

Example: We can prepare pieces of paper with different numbers written on them. Then, ask different members to pick one and talk according to the sequence of the number. After everyone’s finished, advise everyone to use “I” more than “You” in the discussion period to avoid others thinking that it is an accusation.

Step 5: Understand the Facts, Then Address the Problem

How? List out ALL the facts first. Ask everyone to tell what they know about the problems.

Why? Sometimes your facts are unknown to the others while they may know something we don’t. Missing out on these facts could possibly lead to inaccurate capture of the problem. Also, different known facts can lead to different perception of the matter. It also helps everyone better understand the problem and can eventually help reach a solution.

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Example: While everyone is expressing their own views, ask them to write down everything they know that is true to the problem. As soon as everyone has finished, all facts can be noted and everyone’s understanding of the problem is raised.

Step 6: Solve the Problem Together

How? Knowing what everyone’s thinking, it is now time to resolve the conflict. Up to this point, everyone should have understood the problem better. So, it is everyone’s time to suggest some solutions. It is important not to have one giving all the solutions.

Why? Having everyone suggesting their solutions is important as they will not feel excluded and their opinions are considered. Besides, it may also generate more solutions that can better resolve the conflicts. Everyone will more likely be satisfied with the result.

Example: After discussion, ask all members to suggest any possible solutions and stress that all solutions are welcomed. State clearly that we are looking for the best outcomes for everyone’s sake rather than battling to win over one another. Then, evaluate all the solutions and pick the one that is in favor of everyone.

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