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5 Reasons A People Pleaser Has More Difficulty Being Successful

5 Reasons A People Pleaser Has More Difficulty Being Successful

With my own story, I could pick out any area of my life, career, relationships or whatever else and I can give an example of how people pleasing has had an adverse effect on my life.

I would find it hard to find a partner or keep one around because I’d be too nice to her, try and do everything she wanted. Or in work, I’d be trying too hard to do what is best not just for my manager by for the customers also and in the end becoming a little too needy and failing at what I needed to achieve.

Finally, I ended up with friends who became takers that never reciprocated my acts of friendship whenever I needed something in return. People pleasing became a part of my personality. In the end, I just needed to be myself, do the things that pleased me and in a way that suited my values and integrity, that it just works out.

Does this sound familiar to anything in your own life?

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If it does, you might be a people pleaser. While it is fine to help others in situations that suit your values and integrity, you still have to adapt and not always give in to others. Taking charge will help you become more in control of what you do and don’t do and build confidence in your ability to say no.

Now, lets look at the 5 ways people pleasers find it more difficult to find success.

1.     They end up giving up what is important

So, here is an example of how this can make success more difficult:

You are at work, your shift is coming to an end, but then your manager approaches you and asks “Hey, is there any chance you can stay on a bit later today? We have got some new projects and need your help to get things rolling as soon as possible.” Now that same night you have planned to take your family out to celebrate that your partner has had promotion at work. Your romantic partner has been excited about it all week. As a people pleaser, you can’t just say no to your manager — can you?

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Don’t give up what is important to you because you want to make one person happy. Sometimes it is worth it to take overtime opportunities but on the other hand, your life is your own and you deserve to enjoy it!

2.     They end up with lower confidence and self-esteem

This is a big one for me, I have suffered from low self-esteem and confidence and can say that it has got to be down to many things, but people pleasing is one of them.

If you are constantly making others happy, it could easily be to make yourself feel great, if others are pleased with you, then you become pleased with yourself because of it. But what if you do your best for somebody, and it is not good enough? They’ll not be pleased with you, and if your self-esteem is based totally on how others are pleased with you, your esteem will shrink and your confidence will lower.

Having others tell you that you were awesome is great, but if you are reliant on that for your confidence and self-esteem to grow, then it may start to negatively to affect your ability to succeed.

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3.     They have trouble with personal boundaries

Sometime, you may be asked to do something you just don’t feel comfortable doing.

A friend may ask if they can sleep on your couch for a while, but you find it a bit intrusive, especially when they don’t seem to want to leave after months of taking from you, eating your food, using your heating and electric and not contributing at all. But because you just want to please everyone, including your friend, you find it difficult to ask them to leave.

We all have personal boundaries that others just should not be able to cross. Sticking up for yourself requires courage but it is worth it in the end.

4.     They end up running out of energy

We have limited hours in the day, so if you are constantly running around pleasing people in many different ways, whether it is taking somebody shopping, helping with decorating a friends house, extra hours in work or whatever, where do we have time for ourselves?

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We need time to relax, rejuvenate and do the things we enjoy and to please ourselves.  When we do the things we want to do, we fill with energy and a motivation to keep doing it and get better and we can really feel refreshed after doing it. But if that time is taken away by our habitual people pleasing than we just won’t have the energy to cope.

We may even be lacking sleep, which could even cause illness and mistakes to happen.

5.     They may sacrifice their personal values

We all should have personal values and integrity stand point in our lives. We have areas of our lives that we can’t let others intrude on and if we are people pleasers there is a major chance that we’ll let others go against our values and integrity.

If there are people in your life that go against these values, a friend or family member, even a colleague that likes eating fast food. Now that you are trying to lose a little weight, or you could even have an illness that requires you to eat healthy, but your people pleasing goes against your healthy eating value and integrity in trying to lose weight and you go to get that cheese burger and fries with large drink, because you don’t want to disappoint. We have to stand firm in our values and not let people damage our integrity at all.

Featured photo credit: Creative Happy And Sad Emotions On A Man/Ed Gregory via stokpic.com

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Last Updated on September 18, 2020

13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

For the original article by Celestine: 13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

“We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different.” ~Unknown

“It’s not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.” – Hans Selye

Have you ever experienced moments when things just don’t go your way? For example, losing your keys, accidentally spilling your drink, waking up late, missing your buses/trains, forgetting to bring your things, and so on?

You’re not alone. All of us, myself included, experience times when things don’t go as we expect.

Here is my guide on how to deal with daily setbacks.

1. Take a step back and evaluate

When something bad happens, take a step back and evaluate the situation. Some questions to ask yourself:

  1. What is the problem?
  2. Are you the only person facing this problem in the world today?
  3. How does this problem look like at an individual level? A national level? On a global scale?
  4. What’s the worst possible thing that can happen to you as a result of this?
  5. How is it going to impact your life in the next 1 year? 5 years? 10 years?

Doing this exercise is not to undermine the problem or disclaiming responsibility, but to consider different perspectives, so you can adopt the best approach for it. Most problems we encounter daily may seem like huge issues when they crop up, but most, if not all, don’t have much impact in our life beyond that day.

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2. Vent if you have to, but don’t linger on the problem

If you feel very frustrated and need to let off some steam, go ahead and do that. Talk to a friend, complain, crib about it, or scream at the top of your lungs if it makes you happy.

At the same time, don’t get caught up with venting. While venting may temporarily relieve yourself, it’s not going to solve the problem ultimately. You don’t want to be an energy vampire.

Vent if there’s a need to, but do it for 15 to 20 minutes. Then move on.

3. Realize there are others out there facing this too

Even though the situation may be frustrating, you’re not alone. Remember there are almost 7 billion people in the world today, and chances are that other people have faced the same thing before too. Knowing it’s not just you helps you to get out of a self-victimizing mindset.

4. Process your thoughts/emotions

Process your thoughts/emotions with any of the four methods:

  1. Journal. Write your unhappiness in a private diary or in your blog. It doesn’t have to be formal at all – it can be a brain dump on rough paper or new word document. Delete after you are done.
  2. Audio taping. Record yourself as you talk out what’s on your mind. Tools include tape recorder, your PC (Audacity is a freeware for recording/editing audio) and your mobile (most mobiles today have audio recording functions). You can even use your voice mail for this. Just talking helps you to gain awareness of your emotions. After recording, play back and listen to what you said. You might find it quite revealing.
  3. Meditation. At its simplest form, meditation is just sitting/lying still and observing your reality as it is – including your thoughts and emotions. Some think that it involves some complex mambo-jumbo, but it doesn’t.
  4. Talking to someone. Talking about it with someone helps you work through the issue. It also gets you an alternate viewpoint and consider it from a different angle.

5. Acknowledge your thoughts

Don’t resist your thoughts, but acknowledge them. This includes both positive and negative thoughts.

By acknowledging, I mean recognizing these thoughts exist. So if say, you have a thought that says, “Wow, I’m so stupid!”, acknowledge that. If you have a thought that says, “I can’t believe this is happening to me again”, acknowledge that as well.

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Know that acknowledging the thoughts doesn’t mean you agree with them. It’s simply recognizing the existence of said thoughts so that you can stop resisting yourself and focus on the situation on hand.

6. Give yourself a break

If you’re very stressed out by the situation, and the problem is not time sensitive, then give yourself a break. Take a walk, listen to some music, watch a movie, or get some sleep. When you’re done, you should feel a lot more revitalized to deal with the situation.

7. Uncover what you’re really upset about

A lot of times, the anger we feel isn’t about the world. You may start off feeling angry at someone or something, but at the depth of it, it’s anger toward yourself.

Uncover the root of your anger. I have written a five part anger management series on how to permanently overcome anger.

After that, ask yourself: How can you improve the situation? Go to Step #9, where you define your actionable steps. Our anger comes from not having control on the situation. Sitting there and feeling infuriated is not going to change the situation. The more action we take, the more we will regain control over the situation, the better we will feel.

8. See this as an obstacle to be overcome

As Helen Keller once said,

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.”

Whatever you’re facing right now, see it as an obstacle to be overcome. In every worthy endeavor, there’ll always be countless obstacles that emerge along the way. These obstacles are what separate the people who make it, and those who don’t. If you’re able to push through and overcome them, you’ll emerge a stronger person than before. It’ll be harder for anything to get you down in the future.

9. Analyze the situation – Focus on actionable steps

In every setback, there are going to be things that can’t be reversed since they have already occurred. You want to focus on things that can still be changed (salvageable) vs. things that have already happened and can’t be changed. The only time the situation changes is when you take steps to improve it. Rather than cry over spilt milk, work through your situation:

  1. What’s the situation?
  2. What’s stressing you about this situation?
  3. What are the next steps that’ll help you resolve them?
  4. Take action on your next steps!

After you have identified your next steps, act on them. The key here is to focus on the actionable steps, not the inactionable steps. It’s about regaining control over the situation through direct action.

10. Identify how it occurred (so it won’t occur again next time)

A lot of times we react to our problems. The problem occurs, and we try to make the best out of what has happened within the context. While developing a healthy coping mechanism is important (which is what the other helping points are on), it’s also equally important, if not more, to understand how the problem arose. This way, you can work on preventing it from taking place next time, vs. dealing reactively with it.

Most of us probably think the problem is outside of our control, but reality is most of the times it’s fully preventable. It’s just a matter of how much responsibility you take over the problem.

For example, for someone who can’t get a cab for work in the morning, he/she may see the problem as a lack of cabs in the country, or bad luck. However, if you trace to the root of the problem, it’s probably more to do with (a) Having unrealistic expectations of the length of time to get a cab. He/she should budget more time for waiting for a cab next time. (b) Oversleeping, because he/she was too tired from working late the previous day. He/she should allocate enough time for rest next time. He/she should also pick up better time management skills, so as to finish work in lesser time.

11. Realize the situation can be a lot worse

No matter how bad the situation is, it can always be much worse. A plus point vs. negative point analysis will help you realize that.

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12. Do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it

No matter how bad your situation may seem, do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it. Life is too beautiful to worry so much over daily issues. Take a step back (#1), give yourself a break if you need to (#6), and do what you can within your means (#9). Everything else will unfold accordingly. Worrying too much about the outcome isn’t going to change things or make your life any better.

13. Pick out the learning points from the encounter

There’s something to learn from every encounter. What have you learned from this situation? What lessons have you taken away?

After you identify your learning points, think about how you’re going to apply them moving forward. With this, you’ve clearly gained something from this encounter. You’ve walked away a stronger, wiser, better person, with more life lessons to draw from in the future.

Get the manifesto version of this article: [Manifesto] What To Do When Things Don’t Go Your Way

Featured photo credit: Alice Donovan Rouse via unsplash.com

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