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5 Reasons A People Pleaser Has More Difficulty Being Successful

5 Reasons A People Pleaser Has More Difficulty Being Successful

With my own story, I could pick out any area of my life, career, relationships or whatever else and I can give an example of how people pleasing has had an adverse effect on my life.

I would find it hard to find a partner or keep one around because I’d be too nice to her, try and do everything she wanted. Or in work, I’d be trying too hard to do what is best not just for my manager by for the customers also and in the end becoming a little too needy and failing at what I needed to achieve.

Finally, I ended up with friends who became takers that never reciprocated my acts of friendship whenever I needed something in return. People pleasing became a part of my personality. In the end, I just needed to be myself, do the things that pleased me and in a way that suited my values and integrity, that it just works out.

Does this sound familiar to anything in your own life?

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If it does, you might be a people pleaser. While it is fine to help others in situations that suit your values and integrity, you still have to adapt and not always give in to others. Taking charge will help you become more in control of what you do and don’t do and build confidence in your ability to say no.

Now, lets look at the 5 ways people pleasers find it more difficult to find success.

1.     They end up giving up what is important

So, here is an example of how this can make success more difficult:

You are at work, your shift is coming to an end, but then your manager approaches you and asks “Hey, is there any chance you can stay on a bit later today? We have got some new projects and need your help to get things rolling as soon as possible.” Now that same night you have planned to take your family out to celebrate that your partner has had promotion at work. Your romantic partner has been excited about it all week. As a people pleaser, you can’t just say no to your manager — can you?

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Don’t give up what is important to you because you want to make one person happy. Sometimes it is worth it to take overtime opportunities but on the other hand, your life is your own and you deserve to enjoy it!

2.     They end up with lower confidence and self-esteem

This is a big one for me, I have suffered from low self-esteem and confidence and can say that it has got to be down to many things, but people pleasing is one of them.

If you are constantly making others happy, it could easily be to make yourself feel great, if others are pleased with you, then you become pleased with yourself because of it. But what if you do your best for somebody, and it is not good enough? They’ll not be pleased with you, and if your self-esteem is based totally on how others are pleased with you, your esteem will shrink and your confidence will lower.

Having others tell you that you were awesome is great, but if you are reliant on that for your confidence and self-esteem to grow, then it may start to negatively to affect your ability to succeed.

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3.     They have trouble with personal boundaries

Sometime, you may be asked to do something you just don’t feel comfortable doing.

A friend may ask if they can sleep on your couch for a while, but you find it a bit intrusive, especially when they don’t seem to want to leave after months of taking from you, eating your food, using your heating and electric and not contributing at all. But because you just want to please everyone, including your friend, you find it difficult to ask them to leave.

We all have personal boundaries that others just should not be able to cross. Sticking up for yourself requires courage but it is worth it in the end.

4.     They end up running out of energy

We have limited hours in the day, so if you are constantly running around pleasing people in many different ways, whether it is taking somebody shopping, helping with decorating a friends house, extra hours in work or whatever, where do we have time for ourselves?

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We need time to relax, rejuvenate and do the things we enjoy and to please ourselves.  When we do the things we want to do, we fill with energy and a motivation to keep doing it and get better and we can really feel refreshed after doing it. But if that time is taken away by our habitual people pleasing than we just won’t have the energy to cope.

We may even be lacking sleep, which could even cause illness and mistakes to happen.

5.     They may sacrifice their personal values

We all should have personal values and integrity stand point in our lives. We have areas of our lives that we can’t let others intrude on and if we are people pleasers there is a major chance that we’ll let others go against our values and integrity.

If there are people in your life that go against these values, a friend or family member, even a colleague that likes eating fast food. Now that you are trying to lose a little weight, or you could even have an illness that requires you to eat healthy, but your people pleasing goes against your healthy eating value and integrity in trying to lose weight and you go to get that cheese burger and fries with large drink, because you don’t want to disappoint. We have to stand firm in our values and not let people damage our integrity at all.

Featured photo credit: Creative Happy And Sad Emotions On A Man/Ed Gregory via stokpic.com

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Last Updated on May 21, 2019

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

For all our social media bravado, we live in a society where communication is seen less as an art, and more as a perfunctory exercise. We spend so much time with people, yet we struggle with how to meaningfully communicate.

If you believe you have mastered effective communication, scan the list below and see whether you can see yourself in any of the examples:

Example 1

You are uncomfortable with a person’s actions or comments, and rather than telling the individual immediately, you sidestep the issue and attempt to move on as though the offending behavior or comment never happened.

You move on with the relationship and develop a pattern of not addressing challenging situations. Before long, the person with whom you are in relationship will say or do something that pushes you over the top and predictably, you explode or withdraw completely from the relationship.

In this example, hard-to-speak truths become never- expressed truths that turn into resentment and anger.

Example 2

You communicate from the head and without emotion. While what you communicate makes perfect sense to you, it comes across as cold because it lacks emotion.

People do not understand what motivates you to say what you say, and without sharing your feelings and emotions, others experience you as rude, cold or aggressive.

You will know this is a problem if people shy away from you, ignore your contributions in meetings or tell you your words hurt. You can also know you struggle in this area if you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you have said.

Example 3

You have an issue with one person, but you communicate your problem to an entirely different person.

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The person in whom you confide lacks the authority to resolve the matter troubling you, and while you have vented and expressed frustration, the underlying challenge is unresolved.

Example 4

You grew up in a family with destructive communication habits and those habits play out in your current relationships.

Because you have never stopped to ask why you communicate the way you do and whether your communication style still works, you may lack understanding of how your words impact others and how to implement positive change.

If you find yourself in any of the situations described above, this article is for you.

Communication can build or decimate worlds and it is important we get it right. Regardless of your professional aspirations or personal goals, you can improve your communication skills if you:

  • Understand your own communication style
  • Tailor your style depending on the needs of the audience
  • Communicate with precision and care
  • Be mindful of your delivery, timing and messenger

1. Understand Your Communication Style

To communicate effectively, you must understand the communication legacy passed down from our parents, grandparents or caregivers. Each of us grew up with spoken and unspoken rules about communication.

In some families, direct communication is practiced and honored. In other families, family members are encouraged to shy away from difficult conversations. Some families appreciate open and frank dialogue and others do not. Other families practice silence about substantive matters, that is, they seldom or rarely broach difficult conversations at all.

Before you can appreciate the nuance required in communication, it helps to know the familial patterns you grew up with.

2. Learn Others Communication Styles

Communicating effectively requires you to take a step back, assess the intended recipient of your communication and think through how the individual prefers to be communicated with. Once you know this, you can tailor your message in a way that increases the likelihood of being heard. This also prevents you from assuming the way you communicate with one group is appropriate or right for all groups or people.

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If you are unsure how to determine the styles of the groups or persons with whom you are interacting, you can always ask them:

“How do you prefer to receive information?”

This approach requires listening, both to what the individuals say as well as what is unspoken. Virgin Group CEO Richard Branson noted that the best communicators are also great listeners.

To communicate effectively from relationship to relationship and situation to situation, you must understand the communication needs of others.

3. Exercise Precision and Care

A recent engagement underscored for me the importance of exercising care when communicating.

On a recent trip to Ohio, I decided to meet up with an old friend to go for a walk. As we strolled through the soccer park, my friend gently announced that he had something to talk about, he was upset with me. His introduction to the problem allowed me to mentally shift gears and prepare for the conversation.

Shortly after introducing the shift in conversation, my friend asked me why I didn’t invite him to the launch party for my business. He lives in Ohio and I live in the D.C. area.

I explained that the event snuck up on me, and I only started planning the invite list three weeks before the event. Due to the last-minute nature of the gathering, I opted to invite people in the DMV area versus my friends from outside the area – I didn’t want to be disrespectful by asking them to travel on such short notice.

I also noted that I didn’t want to be disappointed if he and others declined to come to the event. So I played it safe in terms of inviting people who were local.

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In the moment, I felt the conversation went very well. I also checked in with my friend a few days after our walk, affirmed my appreciation for his willingness to communicate his upset and our ability to work through it.

The way this conversation unfolded exemplified effective communication. My friend approached me with grace and vulnerability. He approached me with a level of curiosity that didn’t put me on my heels — I was able to really listen to what he was saying, apologize for how my decision impacted him and vow that going forward, I would always ask rather than making decisions for him and others.

Our relationship is intact, and I now have information that will help me become a better friend to him and others.

4. Be Mindful of Delivery, Timing and Messenger

Communicating effectively also requires thinking through the delivery of the message one intends to communicate as well as the appropriate time for the discussion.

In an Entrepreneur.com column, VIP Contributor Deep Patel, noted that persons interested in communicating well need to master the art of timing. Patel noted,[1]

“Great comedians, like all great communicators, are able to feel out their audience to determine when to move on to a new topic or when to reiterate an idea.”

Communicating effectively also requires thoughtfulness about the messenger. A person prone to dramatic, angry outbursts should never be called upon to deliver constructive feedback, especially to people whom they do not know. The immediate aftermath of a mass shooting is not the ideal time to talk about the importance of the Second Amendment rights.

Like everyone else, I must work to ensure my communication is layered with precision and care.

It requires precision because words must be carefully tailored to the person with whom you are speaking.

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It requires intentionality because before one communicates, one should think about the audience and what the audience needs in order to hear your message the way you intended it to be communicated.

It requires active listening which is about hearing verbal and nonverbal messages.

Even though we may be right in what we say, how we say it could derail the impact of the message and the other parties’ ability to hear the message.

Communicating with care is also about saying things that the people in our life need to hear and doing so with love.

The Bottom Line

When I left the meeting with my dear friend, I wondered if I was replicating or modeling this level of openness and transparency in the rest of my relationships.

I was intrigued and appreciative. He’d clearly thought about what he wanted to say to me, picked the appropriate time to share his feedback and then delivered it with care. He hit the ball out of the park and I’m hopeful we all do the same.

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Featured photo credit: Kenan Buhic via unsplash.com

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