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5 Reasons A People Pleaser Has More Difficulty Being Successful

5 Reasons A People Pleaser Has More Difficulty Being Successful

With my own story, I could pick out any area of my life, career, relationships or whatever else and I can give an example of how people pleasing has had an adverse effect on my life.

I would find it hard to find a partner or keep one around because I’d be too nice to her, try and do everything she wanted. Or in work, I’d be trying too hard to do what is best not just for my manager by for the customers also and in the end becoming a little too needy and failing at what I needed to achieve.

Finally, I ended up with friends who became takers that never reciprocated my acts of friendship whenever I needed something in return. People pleasing became a part of my personality. In the end, I just needed to be myself, do the things that pleased me and in a way that suited my values and integrity, that it just works out.

Does this sound familiar to anything in your own life?

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If it does, you might be a people pleaser. While it is fine to help others in situations that suit your values and integrity, you still have to adapt and not always give in to others. Taking charge will help you become more in control of what you do and don’t do and build confidence in your ability to say no.

Now, lets look at the 5 ways people pleasers find it more difficult to find success.

1.     They end up giving up what is important

So, here is an example of how this can make success more difficult:

You are at work, your shift is coming to an end, but then your manager approaches you and asks “Hey, is there any chance you can stay on a bit later today? We have got some new projects and need your help to get things rolling as soon as possible.” Now that same night you have planned to take your family out to celebrate that your partner has had promotion at work. Your romantic partner has been excited about it all week. As a people pleaser, you can’t just say no to your manager — can you?

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Don’t give up what is important to you because you want to make one person happy. Sometimes it is worth it to take overtime opportunities but on the other hand, your life is your own and you deserve to enjoy it!

2.     They end up with lower confidence and self-esteem

This is a big one for me, I have suffered from low self-esteem and confidence and can say that it has got to be down to many things, but people pleasing is one of them.

If you are constantly making others happy, it could easily be to make yourself feel great, if others are pleased with you, then you become pleased with yourself because of it. But what if you do your best for somebody, and it is not good enough? They’ll not be pleased with you, and if your self-esteem is based totally on how others are pleased with you, your esteem will shrink and your confidence will lower.

Having others tell you that you were awesome is great, but if you are reliant on that for your confidence and self-esteem to grow, then it may start to negatively to affect your ability to succeed.

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3.     They have trouble with personal boundaries

Sometime, you may be asked to do something you just don’t feel comfortable doing.

A friend may ask if they can sleep on your couch for a while, but you find it a bit intrusive, especially when they don’t seem to want to leave after months of taking from you, eating your food, using your heating and electric and not contributing at all. But because you just want to please everyone, including your friend, you find it difficult to ask them to leave.

We all have personal boundaries that others just should not be able to cross. Sticking up for yourself requires courage but it is worth it in the end.

4.     They end up running out of energy

We have limited hours in the day, so if you are constantly running around pleasing people in many different ways, whether it is taking somebody shopping, helping with decorating a friends house, extra hours in work or whatever, where do we have time for ourselves?

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We need time to relax, rejuvenate and do the things we enjoy and to please ourselves.  When we do the things we want to do, we fill with energy and a motivation to keep doing it and get better and we can really feel refreshed after doing it. But if that time is taken away by our habitual people pleasing than we just won’t have the energy to cope.

We may even be lacking sleep, which could even cause illness and mistakes to happen.

5.     They may sacrifice their personal values

We all should have personal values and integrity stand point in our lives. We have areas of our lives that we can’t let others intrude on and if we are people pleasers there is a major chance that we’ll let others go against our values and integrity.

If there are people in your life that go against these values, a friend or family member, even a colleague that likes eating fast food. Now that you are trying to lose a little weight, or you could even have an illness that requires you to eat healthy, but your people pleasing goes against your healthy eating value and integrity in trying to lose weight and you go to get that cheese burger and fries with large drink, because you don’t want to disappoint. We have to stand firm in our values and not let people damage our integrity at all.

Featured photo credit: Creative Happy And Sad Emotions On A Man/Ed Gregory via stokpic.com

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Last Updated on July 15, 2020

How to Let Go of Toxic People in Your Life

How to Let Go of Toxic People in Your Life

“Entitlement is an expression of conditional love. Nobody is ever entitled to your love. You always have a right to protect your mental, emotional, and physical well-being by removing yourself from toxic people and circumstances.” -Dr. Janice Anderson & Kiersten Anderson

It’s not always obvious if you have someone toxic in your life. A toxic relationship is one that is harmful to you. A toxic person can create distress to the degree you feel inadequate and isolated. So, what makes a toxic person?

A toxic person has toxic behavior, meaning it’s not that the whole person is toxic[1]. It’s what they do that counts. Most toxic people run from accountability and misrepresent reality to you. They misrepresent your worth and your ability to heal from them can be stifled the longer you keep them in your life. You have a role to play with it as well; if your values are dismissed by them and you don’t act on it, you have allowed room for toxicity to grow.

When you are in a toxic relationship, you feel less than. You feel as though you are not worth anyone’s time or effort. You feel unheard, and sometimes you feel unsafe. You don’t feel good about yourself in a toxic relationship, whether it be with a partner, friend, or family member.

You may stay in a toxic relationship for a number of reasons. You may believe yourself to be a burden, have a lack of boundaries, resist change, fear conflict, try to be a people pleaser, find yourself codependent, or are partially stuck in a pattern or unhealthy cycle of abuse.

Letting go of toxic people may not be easy. In order to do so, you have to know why or how they are toxic to you and read between the lines that they do not have your best interests in mind.

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Letting go of toxic people is hard because you are good and want to see the good in others. You think their apologies are authentic. You have trouble believing they are being dishonest. You don’t spend time healing from it. You get pulled back into the pain because you don’t want it to end. However, if you feel like something isn’t right, it probably isn’t right.

You should walk away from a toxic person because you need to preserve your peace. You need to feel like yourself again. And you need better support.

Letting go of toxic people can involve four major steps.

1. Recognize the Red Flags

Red flags are signs a person is being toxic. It’s when someone shows characteristics that you should feel caution about. It’s when you feel any level of dissatisfaction and distrust. Trust your gut. When you recognize red flags, you can evaluate whether a person is trying to manipulate you or not. This gives you some level of control over what you allow in your life. The earlier you detect these behaviors, the better off you will be.

Red flags can include:

  • They always put themselves first.
  • They point out imperfections and sabotage your self-esteem.
  • You may feel drained or used when you’re around them.
  • What you give isn’t reciprocated. They don’t return the goodness you provide as a friend.
  • They ignore your boundaries and get angry when you tell them “no.”
  • You catch them in half truths or outright lies when you confront them about anything.
  • You are the villain; they are the victim.
  • Second chances always lead to repeated patterns of behavior.
  • They may engage in abuse.

2. Set Boundaries

There are emotional boundaries that one can set, but there are also physical ones[2]. You can leave any time. Setting boundaries is also an important part of self-care.

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You shouldn’t walk on eggshells. Tell them how you feel. Are they respecting you, fulfilling your needs, and listening to you? If not, it’s time to set up a healthy emotional distance and start letting go of toxic people around you.

There are levels to this. You have your inner circle, which could include family, and then you have acquaintances and strangers. If a toxic person is in your inner circle, it’s time to pull back and put up some boundaries for them to follow. If they can’t hear you out, you can cut off the connection completely.

You can give second chances, but you have to be careful. If someone knows they can get away with something, they will do it again. If there’s any chance for the relationship, they have to know not to cross certain lines.

3. Invest in Yourself

You deserve to know you are worthwhile. Try to remember that things will get better and that anything is possible. How do you do so? Invest in yourself.

This means self care, goal setting, surrounding yourself with positive support, and feeling a sense of peace. Your greatest ambition should be to love yourself. Without self-love, letting go of toxic people will be difficult.

Every relationship is a risk, but if you know yourself and what you will allow, toxic people will have less of a hold over you. If you are a giver or people pleaser, you are most at risk to being in a one-sided relationship. You shouldn’t be punished for caring, but sometimes trust needs to be earned. If you have self-love, you are treating yourself the best way possible. You know that others need to meet your standards; otherwise, they don’t get to be a part of your life.

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It’s possible that you can love yourself and still not see the signs. It can be difficult for some to be aware that toxic people exist. However,, if you know how much you mean to others in your life and what you are worth, you will be less likely to take on a relationship that is harmful to you or repeat negative patterns. Self-love is how we get out of toxic relationships, but it’s also how they never begin.

4. Know When Forgiveness Is Possible

There are times a person will prove their worth to you. They may make a mistake that makes them seem like a horrible person. They may forget to be good to you because of their own issues. They may just have no example of what a healthy relationship looks like. They may have an inflated ego that really comes from insecurity. The list goes on.

If they apologize, that’s a start. Look at their actions. Are they changing for the better because they really want to change or just seeming to in order to manipulate you? A person may control others with their image or perceived personality, but if you see through them, you may be able to discern the degree to which they are willing to be there for you.

If they start to do the right thing, you may begin to trust them again. Don’t start forgiving them until time has passed and you are sure there is growth, even if they show vulnerability or remorse. You can give a second chance if they truly have an awakening. Otherwise, it’s best to get out. Don’t let them walk all over you; let them walk out the door.

If you do give a second change and they still refuse to change, you have every right to remove them and continue the process of letting go of toxic people. The moment you even want to leave may also be a good time to get out. You don’t have to compromise yourself in order to care for them.

Forgiveness is the release of resentment or anger[3]. Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. You have to go back to the same relationship or accept the same harmful behaviors from someone. You don’t have to let them back in. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.

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Remember, forgiveness is ultimately for you, not them. You don’t need that person in your life in order to forgive them, and if you give them a second chance, proceed with caution.

Final Thoughts

Recognize the red flags, set boundaries, invest in yourself, and know when forgiveness is possible. This is how you cope with a toxic person impacting your life. You have power in the direction of your life and the people who accompany you as you move forward. Use it.

If a person is worthwhile, they will prove themselves through their actions, not their words. If they cross certain lines that really harm you, you owe them nothing. You have every right to feel what you feel and to be upset. Honor your feelings and communicate them because it’ll only continue to keep happening if you don’t.

If this is happening to you, it’s time to put a stop to it. It’s time to take control. It’s time to live for yourself, not for what others say about you. It’s time to set your standards higher than they’ve ever been before. And most of all, it’s time to let go.

Resource reminder: A physically abusive relationship is ALWAYS toxic. There are resources for you. Always speak up.

If you are in such a cycle or domestic violence or abuse reach out for help. For example, there is The National Domestic Violence Hotline (https://www.thehotline.org/) which can be reached at 1−800−799−7233. There are other ways to get help if you simply ask for it. 

More Tips on Letting Go of Toxic People

Featured photo credit: Hannah Busing via unsplash.com

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