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This Is How You Can Overcome The Past And Move Forward

This Is How You Can Overcome The Past And Move Forward

I think that one of the most difficult things for a human being to do is overcome the past. Our past defines us, shapes us, and for the most part we carry these experiences for the rest of our lives. For better or worse. Just yesterday I attended an acting class where the instructor said that she sensed my tension and apprehension at following her directions. As part of an exercise, she wanted me to lay down on the floor, close my eyes, breathe, and relax. However, she could see that this was challenging for me. My shoulders were tense, I continued to fidget with my hands, and closing my eyes was a very difficult thing for me to do in that unknown environment. These are all side effects of my own past life experiences.

I grew up in the streets of the South Bronx, under the constant threat of random and often targeted violence. As such I developed a very high level of awareness, and relaxing translates into letting go of that awareness. Something which I am not too keen on doing, particularly when I am outside of my comfort zones. She insisted that I comply and I did my very best to relax. This is part of my own process at overcoming the past. As you can see, in my case it is still very much an ongoing process. Perhaps you feel the same way, and that is why you are here. With this article I will attempt to share some points that may help you on your own journey.

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Acknowledge the past

In order to address or move on from any problems in life, we must first acknowledge that they exist. You have to look at your life and acknowledge that you are still struggling with something that happened in the past. For many of us this is not easy, particularly tough guys who grew up in the mean streets of the South Bronx. If you are really determined about moving on, first recognize that the past happened. Understand that it is the past, and contrary to what I said earlier it doesn’t have to define you. You get to choose who you are today, and you can leave the past in the past.

Lyrical therapy

Writing has always been a major outlet for me. I still recall writing in a diary at a very young age. This continued on to my teenage years and evolved into poetry and music. During a particularly rough time during my teen years, I was attending counseling sessions. The way that my counselor and I communicated best was through my poetry. He found that I best expressed myself through writing and this became our primary means of communication. Here I am some 20 years later, and I still heavily rely on my writing and poetry as a means of coping with life and it’s challenges. Many poets that I know strongly credit their writing as the reason that they are still functional human beings, myself included.

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Being present

One item that I still struggle with is being present in the moment. This is a topic that I have been covering since the infancy of the web. I still remember making youtube videos when it was a brand new fad, and one of my earliest video blogs was about “being present in the moment.” I’m not the only one either, many others have been sharing this kind of information for a long time as well! Our lives are so busy and so connected that we are often “not present.” Our bodies may be somewhere, but our minds are in 20 different places. This is not a good way to live and it robs you of the simple pleasure of just “being.” Practice mindfulness and focus on being present. One technique that I was taught was to put my feet flat on the ground, to focus on my feet being on the ground. Feel the ground beneath your feet and acknowledge that you are there at that moment. Simply placing your feet on the ground should provide you with some form of calm and relaxation.

Feel

One thing that I consider myself is a master of blocking things out. I am so good at shutting down that some people have perceived me as cold and cruel. The opposite is actually the truth. In fact, this is a common defense that sensitive people practice as a form of survival and self preservation. We feel so much, that things hurt that much more. However, you cannot truly let things go if all you do is bury and deny them. You have to allow yourself to go through the range of emotions, whatever they may be. Let them pass through you, feel them. Don’t deny yourself this or you will never truly move on. Trust me on this one, in some instances I am still working on this.

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Communicate

I mentioned earlier how writing was a form of therapy for me. Well, talking to someone can be just as valuable. There is one person whom I wish that I could speak with and gain some closure from. This opportunity has been denied to me for decades now. The person has gone on to become the topic of many a song that I have written, and only with the passage of time has the pain subsided. However, the true closure has not come since we have not been able to speak. One technique that I have implemented is talking to them on my own. Sure, this sounds like I am a crazy person, but a little crazy isn’t all that bad now is it? My father died, he’s gone, so there is no way that I will ever get the opportunity to talk to him. Even so, I still speak to my dad. I tell him through my soul that I miss him and that I wish we could actually talk again. I cry silently and I tell him that I know he did his best. If physically talking to the person is not an option, and a friend is not available, then be a little crazy with me and use this method. Just be aware of your thoughts and don’t listen to any odd statements!

Overcoming the past is not easy, and 1,001 people will give 1,001 ideas on how you can do it. Ultimately it is up to you to find your own way, but we hope that these ideas may help you on your journey.

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Featured photo credit: Alan Cleaver via flickr.com

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Last Updated on March 14, 2019

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

Recruiters might hold thousands of interviews in their careers and a lot of them are reporting the same thing—that most candidates play it safe with the questions they ask, or have no questions to ask in a job interview at all.

For job applicants, this approach is crazy! This is a job that you’re going to dedicate a lot of hours to and that might have a huge impact on your future career. Don’t throw away the chance to figure out if the position is perfect for you.

Here are 7 killer questions to ask in a job interview that will both impress your counterpart and give you some really useful insights into whether this job will be a dream … or a nightmare.

1. What are some challenges I might come up against this role?

A lesser candidate might ask, “what does a typical day look like in this role?” While this is a perfectly reasonable question to ask in an interview, focusing on potential challenges takes you much further because it indicates that you already are visualizing yourself in the role.

It’s impressive because it shows that you are not afraid of challenges, and you are prepared to strategize a game plan upfront to make sure you succeed if you get the job.

It can also open up a conversation about how you’ve solved problems in the past which can be a reassuring exercise for both you and the hiring manager.

How it helps you:

If you ask the interviewer to describe a typical day, you may get a vibrant picture of all the lovely things you’ll get to do in this job and all the lovely people you’ll get to do them with.

Asking about potential roadblocks means you hear the other side of the story—dysfunctional teams, internal politics, difficult clients, bootstrap budgets and so on. This can help you decide if you’re up for the challenge or whether, for the sake of your sanity, you should respectfully decline the job offer.

2. What are the qualities of really successful people in this role?

Employers don’t want to hire someone who goes through the motions; they want to hire someone who will excel.

Asking this question shows that you care about success, too. How could they not hire you with a dragon-slayer attitude like that?

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How it helps you:

Interviewers hire people who are great people to work with, but the definition of “great people” differs from person to person.

Does this company hire and promote people with a specific attitude, approach, worth ethic or communication style? Are the most successful people in this role strong extroverts who love to talk and socialize when you are studious and reserved? Does the company reward those who work insane hours when you’re happiest in a more relaxed environment?

If so, then this may not be the right match for you.

Whatever the answer is, you can decide whether you have what it takes for the manager to be happy with your performance in this role. And if the interviewer has no idea what success looks like for this position, this is a sign to proceed with extreme caution.

3. From the research I did on your company, I noticed the culture really supports XYZ. Can you tell me more about that element of the culture and how it impacts this job role?

Of course, you could just ask “what is the culture like here? ” but then you would miss a great opportunity to show that you’ve done your research!

Interviewers give BIG bonus point to those who read up and pay attention, and you’ve just pointed out that (a) you’re diligent in your research (b) you care about the company culture and (c) you’re committed to finding a great cultural fit.

How it helps you:

This question is so useful because it lets you pick an element of the culture that you really care about and that will have the most impact on whether you are happy with the organization.

For example, if training and development is important to you, then you need to know what’s on offer so you don’t end up in a dead-end job with no learning opportunities.

Companies often talk a good talk, and their press releases may be full of shiny CSR initiatives and all the headline-grabbing diversity programs they’re putting in place. This is your opportunity to look under the hood and see if the company lives its values on the ground.

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A company that says it is committed to doing the right thing by customers should not judge success by the number of up-sells an employee makes, for instance. Look for consistency, so you aren’t in for a culture shock after you start.

4. What is the promotion path for this role, and how would my performance on that path be measured?

To be clear, you are not asking when you will get promoted. Don’t go there—it’s presumptuous, and it indicates that you think you are better than the role you have applied for.

A career-minded candidate, on the other hand, usually has a plan that she’s working towards. This question shows you have a great drive toward growth and advancement and an intention to stick with the company beyond your current state.

How it helps you:

One word: hierarchy.

All organizations have levels of work and authority—executives, upper managers, line managers, the workforce, and so on. Understanding the hierarchical structure gives you power, because you can decide if you can work within it and are capable of climbing through its ranks, or whether it will be endlessly frustrating to you.

In a traditional pyramid hierarchy, for example, the people at the bottom tend to have very little autonomy to make decisions. This gets better as you rise up through the pyramid, but even middle managers have little power to create policy; they are more concerned with enforcing the rules the top leaders make.

If having a high degree of autonomy and accountability is important to you, you may do better in a flat hierarchy where work teams can design their own way of achieving the corporate goals.

5. What’s the most important thing the successful candidate could accomplish in their first 3 months/6 months/year?

Of all the questions to ask in a job interview, this one is impressive because it shows that you identify with and want to be a successful performer, and not just an average one.

Here, you’re drilling down into what the company needs, and needs quite urgently, proving that you’re all about adding value to the organization and not just about what’s in it for you.

How it helps you:

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Most job descriptions come with 8, 10 or 12 different job responsibilities and a lot of them with be boilerplate or responsibilities that someone in HR thinks are associated with this role. This question gives you a better sense of which responsibilities are the most important—and they may not be what initially attracted you to the role.

If you like the idea of training juniors, for example, but success is judged purely on your sales figures, then is this really the job you thought you were applying for?

This question will also give you an idea of what kind of learning curve you’re expected to have and whether you’ll get any ramp-up time before getting down to business. If you’re the type of person who likes to jump right in and get things done, for instance, you may not be thrilled to hear that you’re going to spend the first three months shadowing a peer.

6. What do you like about working here?

This simple question is all about building rapport with the interviewer. People like to talk about themselves, and the interviewer will be flattered that you’re interested in her opinions.

Hopefully, you’ll find some great connection points that the two of you share. What similar things drive you head into the office each day? How will you fit into the culture?

How it helps you:

You can learn a lot from this question. Someone who genuinely enjoys his job will be able to list several things they like, and their answers will sound passionate and sincere. If not….well, you might consider that a red flag.

Since you potentially can learn a lot about the company culture from this question, it’s a good idea to figure out upfront what’s important to you. Maybe you’re looking for a hands-off boss who values independent thought and creativity? Maybe you work better in environments that move at a rapid, exciting pace?

Whatever’s important to you, listen carefully and see if you can find any common ground.

7. Based on this interview, do you have any questions or concerns about my qualifications for the role?

What a great closing question to ask in a job interview! It shows that you’re not afraid of feedback—in fact, you are inviting it. Not being able to take criticism is a red flag for employers, who need to know that you’ll act on any “coaching moments” with a good heart.

As a bonus, asking this question shows that you are really interested in the position and wish to clear up anything that may be holding the company back from hiring you.

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How it helps you:

What a devious beast this question is! On the surface, it looks straightforward, but it’s actually giving you four key pieces of information.

First, is the manager capable of giving you feedback when put on the spot like this? Some managers are scared of giving feedback, or don’t think it’s important enough to bother outside of a formal performance appraisal. Do you want to work for a boss like that? How will you improve if no one is telling you what you did wrong?

Second, can the manager give feedback in a constructive way without being too pillowy or too confrontational? It’s unfair to expect the interviewer to have figured out your preferred way of receiving feedback in the space of an interview, but if she come back with a machine-gun fire of shortcomings or one of those corporate feedback “sandwiches” (the doozy slipped between two slices of compliment), then you need to ask yourself, can you work with someone who gives feedback like that?

Third, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about before you leave the interview. This gives you the chance to make a final, tailored sales pitch so you can convince the interviewer that she should not be worried about those things.

Fourth, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about period. If turnover is keeping him up at night, then your frequent job hopping might get a lot of additional scrutiny. If he’s facing some issues with conflict or communication, then he might raise concerns regarding your performance in this area.

Listen carefully: the concerns that are being raised about you might actually be a proxy for problems in the wider organization.

Making Your Interview Work for You

Interviews are a two-way street. While it is important to differentiate yourself from every other candidate, understand that convincing the interviewer you’re the right person for the role goes hand-in-hand with figuring out if the job is the right fit for you.

Would you feel happy in a work environment where the people, priorities, culture and management style were completely at odds with the way you work? Didn’t think so!

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Featured photo credit: Amy Hirschi via unsplash.com

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