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10 Practical Communication Tips For Parents

10 Practical Communication Tips For Parents

Read this amazing quote from renowned family therapist Virginia Satir about communication: “Whatever you say to me comes out of you and has very little to do with me.” With that perspective in mind, how are we, as parents, supposed to make the messages we send to our children relevant, meaningful, and work toward their best interest?

What nearly every parent wants is to establish and nurture a deep relationship with their offspring that extends generationally into what becomes their legacy. What follows are 10 legacy-building guidelines that you can begin to incorporate into your thinking right now.

1. People (including children!) respond to their experience, not to reality.

When you want to get an idea across to your child, you need to get behind their eyes and see the world the way they do. Craft a message that at first fits within then expands their perception of reality. It’s like bitter medicine: most of us would never benefit from it if the pharmacist did not hide it in a better-tasting delivery system.

Regarding training children, I had a colleague whose son was still sucking his thumb at the age of three. The parents had bribed, coerced, punished, lectured and ignored. What they had not done was change the meaning of the thumb sucking inside the mind of this child. I told them to actually encourage the lad to suck his thumb, while reminding him that since he was still three he could suck it all he wanted and did not have to stop until he was a “big boy.” Being viewed as a big boy was something the child wanted. In less than a week the thumb sucking stopped.

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2. Behind every behavior there is a positive intention.

This is a challenging idea because it is easy to see negative motivations and we are often rewarded for doing so. Yet people do things because they want something. You could argue that some behavior is driven to avoid something unpleasant, but if you look deeper, what motivates that action is still something positive. For example, most people would agree that yelling at someone is not a positive behavior. However, what makes someone yell is positive at the deepest levels. Before you read on, think back to a time when you yelled at someone. Ask yourself, “What was I wanting to get for myself through my yelling?” Common answers are: to be heard, to be safe, to get my point across, and so on. All of those, by the way, are positive intentions.

Before assigning a negative reason for a behavior that your son or daughter is doing, drill down into the positive causes by asking yourself, “What are they really wanting through doing that?” “What is my child trying to get for themselves?” Once you can see that your child is running around the house creating havoc because he’s exhausted and is fighting sleep, you have a choice. Are you going to respond to the surface behavior (the chaos he’s creating), or the deeper need (he needs to go to bed)?

3. Anything can be accomplished when the task is broken down into small enough chunks. 

You’ve heard the quote, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” Everyone has a threshold for how much information they can take in at one time. The range can vary according to age, health, culture, learning context, and even mental state. As you get to know your child, discover their threshold for learning in various contexts and match that as you are teaching them.

I was tutoring a teenager struggling with memorizing information. The one area he was most motivated to work on was phone numbers (especially those connected to the opposite sex). I noticed that he regularly coupled pieces of information together. It seemed that chunks of two made sense to him. But when it came to phone numbers, the normal chunking of three, then three more numbers, followed by a cluster of four really threw him off. After the initial three numbers, he just quit listening. So I taught him to hear a phone number and then to visualize it in strings of two; like magic he remembered the phone number the first time he heard it!

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4. There is no such thing as failure, only feedback.

Making mistakes is part of growing up. It’s when immaturity around failure develops that communication breaks down between parent and child. The idea that failure is feedback is sharpened by Dr. Charles Garfield of NASA, “You need a continuing stream of feedback whenever you are really stretching. The Apollo moon flight was off-course 90 percent of the time between here and the moon, but Apollo had feedback mechanisms that allowed it to make rapid course corrections.” As a parent, your job is not to hound the kid about his or her mistakes. Rather, you need to be a trusted “feedback mechanism” that helps and guides the youngster back on track.

5. Every behavior is useful in some context.

This is another tip that people can easily prove wrong. You could rightly argue that murder is an awful behavior. However, an important difference between murder and self-preservation is the reason behind the action itself. To illustrate, when my nephew was two, he started biting people. So I began teaching him that teeth are great, that we really need our mouths, and that biting was certainly OK, but it needed to be done in the right way. I told him, “You can bite steak or a popsicle, but you cannot bite people.” I then reinforced the learning with something tasty to bite and very soon he traded biting his family and friends for snacking on healthy foods and the occasional treat. The child’s job is to try out anything and everything in order to learn. The parents’ job is to put all of that behavior in useful contexts that will help the child become successful.

6. The messenger never rests until the message is delivered.

“Mommy. MOMMY! Mommy mommy mommy!” Heard that before? Kids are relentless and unabashed communicators. If you do not quickly get the message they are sending you they will throw themselves on the floor, scream as they hurl themselves in circles, and give a tantrum that would make Linda Blair blush. The truth is, what they wanted to communicate began as a non-verbal message well before you needed to call an exorcist. Parents are distracted because we are tired, stressed, and overburdened with responsibilities. Yet, if we start to pay attention to our children’s needs early on, we will save ourselves the embarrassment that often results because we are so busy tuning our children out, and we will get deeper rapport with our children because they will learn to trust that we have their best interests in mind.

7. The meaning of your communication is the response you get.

Most parents assume that because their mouths are moving in the general direction of their kids that communication has taken place. In simple terms, yes, you have spoken to your child, but watch their response. Is that the behavior or attitude you wanted? Don’t measure what you say to your child against what you mean. Measure it against how they receive it and what they do with it.

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If you have scolded your child for making a poor grade by telling them, “What kind of grade is this? You can do better!” and deep down you really meant for them to hear how much you care about their future, but they say back to you, “You’re never happy with what I do,” then take their response as the meaning of your communication; not what you meant. Your concern for their future success was lost in the way you scolded them. You cannot undo that or pretend that you didn’t say it, but you can apologize for communicating the wrong message and try again.

8. Choice is better than no choice.

No one really enjoys being told what to do and children want to have some independence and influence over their lives. The difficulty is that the younger a person is the less life experience they have had through which to gain wisdom about making choices. Yet the successful parent will build on their child’s desire for choice instead of making the child feel small by their limited world view.

Bedtime and chores are great examples of how to begin building choice into your expectations. Instead of sending your little one to bed crying and protesting, ask them, “Would you like to walk or fly to bed?” Or, “Do you want to brush your teeth before I read you a story, or after?” “The dishes need to be done. Would you like to listen to music or watch a show on the iPad while you do them?” In each case you are giving the illusion of choice, which softens the perception that a child is being made to do something against their will.

9. People always make the best choice available to them at the time.

This is not to say that our kids’ choices are great all the time. It means that when the time comes for a child to choose behavior X over behavior Y, the child’s choice will reflect their perception of their resources in that situation. In other words, if they would have known better, they would have chosen better. If a child is struggling with making good choices in a given context, it is an indication that they need some strategies to access their resources better, faster, and more reliably.

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10. If what you are doing isn’t working, do anything else.

You want your twelve-year-old to clean his room. You think you have sufficiently motivated him to “clean up” because you’ve yelled the command from your easy chair. In the past you have even lectured him about the benefits of keeping a clean room. Yet he struggles to do it. You have to tell him each and every time to clean the room. What is happening? Your son has not internalized the value of keeping his room clean and you are repeating a program that is meaningless in his experience (see tip #1). Instead of repeating this useless loop, put your thinking cap on and try another approach. Do not give up on your ability to be creative, nor on your child’s natural desire to make you proud.

 

For sure our kids will carry on the best and the worst of who we are for generations to come. How you communicate with them now will have lasting effects that will become your legacy. Incorporate these ten tips to strengthen your relationships with them and become the best guide for them that you possibly can.

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Last Updated on October 13, 2020

How to Spot a Burnout And Overcome It Fast

How to Spot a Burnout And Overcome It Fast

Burnout at work is an issue that most people who suffer from it, suffer unknowingly.

Have you ever felt that you can’t start an assignment, have an immense urge to Netflix binge, or couldn’t get yourself to wake up on time even though you have a lot on your plate? The cause for these might be burnout.

According to Deloitte’s report, “many companies may not be doing enough to minimize burnout.” This is to say that the responsibility is not only on the employee. According to that report, nearly 70 percent of professionals feel their employers are not doing enough to prevent or alleviate burnout within their organization, and they definitely should.[1]

Too many companies don’t invest enough in creating a positive environment. One out of five (21%) said that their company does not offer any programs or initiatives to prevent or alleviate burnout. It is the culture, not the fancy well-being programs that would probably do the best work.

This is a significant problem for individuals and companies, and it’s also an issue on a macro level. A Stanford University research found that more than 120,000 deaths per year, and approximately 5%–8% of annual healthcare costs, are associated with the way U.S. companies manage their workforces.[2]

It is both the employee and the employer’s responsibility—and the latter can certainly take more responsibility.

In this article, I’ll guide you on how to know if you suffer from burnout and, more importantly, what you can do about it.

Who Are Prone to Burning Out?

For starters, it is a good thing to know that you’re in good company. According to a Gallup poll, 23% (of 7,500 surveyed) expressed burnout more often than not. Additionally, 44% felt it sometimes. Nearly 50% of social entrepreneurs who attended the World Economic Forum’s Annual Meeting in 2018 reported having struggled with burnout and depression at some point.[3]

According to Statista (2017), 13% of adults reported having problems unwinding in the evenings and weekends. According to a Deloitte survey (consisting of 1,000 full-time U.S. employees), 77% of respondents said that they have experienced employee burnout at their current job.[4]

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Burnout is not only an issue of the spoiled first-world. Rather, it is a serious matter that must be taken care of appropriately. It affects so many people, and its impacts are just too significant to be ignored.

Some occupations are more prone to burnout, such as people who deeply care about their jobs more than others. According to the Harvard Business Review, “Passion-driven and caregiving roles such as doctors and nurses are some of the most susceptible to burnout.”

The consequences can have life or death ramifications as “suicide rates among caregivers are dramatically higher than that of the general public—40% higher for men and 130% higher for women”. It is also the case for teachers, non-profit workers, and leaders of all kinds.[5]

Deloitte’s survey also found that 91% say that they have an unmanageable amount of stress or frustration. Heck, 83% even say that it can negatively impact their relationships. Millennials are slightly more impacted by burnout (84% of Gen Y vs. 77% in other generations).

What Is Burnout Syndrome?

So, what is it, exactly? Burnout was officially included in the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11) and is an occupational phenomenon.

According to the World Health Organization, burnout includes three dimensions:[6]

  1. Feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion;
  2. Increased mental distance from one’s job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one’s job;
  3. Reduced professional efficacy.

The 5 Stages of Burnout

At this point, you must have a clue if you’re at risk of burnout. There are different methods for understanding where you are on the burnout syndrome scale, and one of the most common ones is the “five stages method.”

1. Honeymoon Phase

As you may remember If you’ve gotten married, there’s always the honeymoon phase. You’re so happy and feel almost invincible. You love your spouse and at this stage, you’re very excited about everything. It’s the same when it comes to taking on a new job or role or starting a new business.

At first, most of the time, you’re hyper-motivated. Although you might be able to notice signs of potential future burnout, in most cases, you might ignore them. You’re highly productive, super motivated, creative, and accept (and take) responsibility.

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The honeymoon phase is critical because if you plant the seeds of good mental health and coping strategies, you can stay at this phase for extended periods.

2. Onset of Stress

Let’s continue with the wedding metaphor. Now that you’re happily married for some time, you might start noticing certain issues with your spouse that you don’t like. You might have seen them before, but now they take up more space in your life.

You might be less optimistic and feel signs of stress or minor symptoms of physical or emotional fatigue at work. Your productivity reduces, and you think that your motivation is lower.

3. Chronic Stress

Let’s hope you don’t get there in your marriage, but unfortunately, some people get there. At this stage, your stress level is consistently high, and the other symptoms of stage 2 persist.

At this point, you start missing deadlines, your sleep quality is low, and you’re resentful and cynical. Your caffeine consumption might be higher, and you’re increasingly unsatisfied.

4. Burnout

This is the point where you can’t go on unless there is a significant change in your workspace environment. You have a strong desire to move to another place, and clinical intervention is sometimes required.

You feel neglected, your physical symptoms are increasing, and you get to a place where your stomach hurts daily. You might obsess over problems in your life or work and, generally speaking, you should treat yourself.

5. Habitual Burnout

This is the phase in which burnout is embedded in your life. You might experience chest pains or difficulty breathing, outbursts of anger or apathy, and physical symptoms of chronic fatigue.

The Causes of Burnout

So, now that we know how to identify our stage of burnout, we can move on to tackling its leading causes. According to the Gallup survey, the top burnout reasons are:[7]

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  1. Getting unfair treatment at work – This is not always something that you can fully control. At the same time, you should remember that even if you’re not calling the shots, it doesn’t mean that you have to accept unfair treatment. The consequences mentioned above are just not worth it in most cases.
  2. Workload – Another leading cause of stress according to dozens of interviews conducted before writing the article. According to Statista, in 2017, 39% of workers said a heavy workload was their leading cause of stress. We live in a busy work environment, and we will share some tips on how to manage that.
  3. Not knowing your role – While not something you can fully control, you can, and probably should, take action to better define it with your boss.
  4. Inadequate communication and support from your manager – Like the others above, you can’t fully control that, but as we’ll soon share, you can take action to be in better control.
  5. Time pressure – As mentioned, motivated, passionate workers are more in danger of experiencing burnout. One of the reasons is that they’re pressuring themselves to do more, sometimes at the expense of their mental health. We’ll address how to work on that as well.

How to Overcome a Burnout

After going over the stages of burnout and the leading causes of becoming burned out, it might be a good time to let you know that there is a lot you can do to fight it head-on.

However, let’s start with what you should not do. Burnout cannot be fixed by going on a vacation. It should be a long-term solution, implemented daily.

According to Clockify (2019), these are the popular ways to avoid burnout:

  1. Focus on your family life – 60% of adults said that stable family life is key to avoiding burnout. Maintaining meaningful relationships in your life is proven to reduce stress (instead of having many unmeaningful relationships).
  2. Exercising comes in second, with 58% reporting that jogging, running, or doing any exercise significantly relieves stress. Even a relatively short walk might improve your body’s resilience to stress.
  3. Seek professional advice – 55% say they would turn to a professional. There are online websites where you can speak with professionals at reduced costs.

Aside from the three most popular ways of avoiding burnout, you can also try the following:

1. Improve Time Management

Try understanding how you can use your time better and leave more time for relaxation. That’s easy to say (or write) but more challenging to implement. It would help if you started by prioritizing yourself. Understanding the connection between your values and your everyday tasks is a tremendous help. You can use proven methods to improve the relationship between your vision and goals to your daily life tasks’ lists. Check out the Horizons of Focus or V2MOM methods to get started.

2. Use the P.L.E.A.S.E. Method

The P.L.E.A.S.E. is a combination of things you should do to be at your best physically. It means Physical Illness (P.L.) prevention, Eat healthy (E), Avoid mood-altering drugs (A), Sleep well (S), and Exercise (E).

3. Prioritize

You don’t have to say yes to everything that comes across your way at work (or in other aspects of life). You’d be surprised how easy it can become once you start saying no. Some might even describe it as exhilarating.

4. Let Your Brain rest

Culturally, most of us are already wired to think that hard work is essential, and while that’s true in most cases, we sometimes forget that our brain needs to rest for it to recharge. Seven hours of sleep are essential (depending on your age). Meditation might be helpful, too.

5. Pay Attention to Positive Events

According to Therapistaid.com, we tend to focus on the bad things in our lives. However, by focusing on positive things, we can change our mindset. One way to practice this daily is by writing three good things about your life every morning or evening. It’s been scientifically proven that doing so for a few months can help rewire your brain.

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6. Take Some “You” Time

A Netflix binge is not always good for you, but it might be in some cases. The better the leisure time is, the better you’ll feel in the long term. It’s usually better to read a book or start a new hobby that requires more cognitive skills than just lying on the couch. But as long as you feel good watching a movie, that might be a good start.

7. New Technologies Might Be Helpful

There are tons of self-help apps such as Fabulous, Headspace (meditation), Noom (diet and exercise), and others. They’re good to use, but you should also be careful not to run away from your problems only to watch social media for hours. It’s not real, and no one’s life is perfect (even if their Facebook or Instagram feeds might seem so). You should also be aware not to be in an “always-on” mindset.

Bottom Line

Whether you’re at the first or the fifth stage of the burnout phases, the goal of this article is to show you that there are always ways to fight it. The first thing is self-awareness—knowing that there’s a problem. The second step is to decide what to do about it.

You can also consider using Lifehack’s community. You’re more than welcome to share your burnout story on our Facebook page.

Bonus: Rebound from Burnout in 8 Hours

Watch what you can do to rebound from burnout quickly in this episode of The Lifehack Show:

https://youtu.be/MNnyqQWK_zg

Featured photo credit: Lechon Kirb via unsplash.com

Reference

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