Advertising

Why You Should Be Critical, Not Likable

Advertising
Why You Should Be Critical, Not Likable

Every individual has three bodies.

First is the physical body, second is the mental body and third is the causal body. The physical body is just a structure of flesh and bones and not an accurate representation of the individual. If someone is beautiful and attractive, we think that this is a good person. It is our individual imagination which derives a conclusion based on an observation, which may or may not be entirely true. Individual imagination is again very subjective and hence, the physical body is not an accurate representation of an individual.

The mental body is actually who you are. It is who you imagine yourself to be. The mental body is your personality to yourself and it is this mental body which propels your action, behavior and thoughts. It is the mental body which defines what is right, what is wrong, what makes one happy, what makes one sad.

The causal body is how others see you. Your causal body is different for different individuals since it is up to the onlooker and his imagination to perceive you as someone.

Advertising

When you shouldn’t worry about “Being Likable”

When we say You, we actually refer to the amalgamation of three bodies into one.

  • Physical body – how nature sees you.
  • Mental body – how you see yourself
  • Causal body – how others see you.

Human hunger and behavior is mostly a function of the mental and causal bodies. You imagine yourself to be someone but the world sees you as a different personality. Let’s take an example.

John runs a grocery store and is very fond of poetry and fiction. In his free time, he composes poems and actively participates with the literary community. John sees himself as a poet who runs a grocery store to make a living. However, his readers see him as a grocery store owner who writes poems for an avocation.

This is the mother of all behavioral conflicts that arise in our day to day lives. The difference between the mental and causal bodies of an individual.

Advertising

When someone cracks a joke at John – “The grocery store guy writes good poems”, John feels dis-empowered. John perceives himself as a poet but the world has a different perception about John.

John cannot go and change the world’s perception about him in one day. It shall take some time and it is possible that the perception may never change. What will be the outcome if John constantly worries about “Being Likable”?

John will suffer from a personality conflict. John is “Likable” as a grocery store guy and not as a poet. The causal body of John is that of a grocery store owner. This is how John is perceived in this world. This is John’s visible reality. If John wants to be “Likable”, he will have to behave the way the world sees him. He will have to open the grocery store in time, serve his customers with a smiling face and get everything sorted.

This behavior will not satiate John’s ambition. John’s mental body is that of a poet and in order to feel empowered and find meaning in life, he must act according to his mental body. He must devote more time in becoming a good poet, read books and improve his writing skills.

Advertising

John’s ambitions cannot afford to settle with “Likable John”. John’s ambitions demand him to be “Critical” and stay focused on his vision of becoming a poet.

If you are chasing a goal, you can’t afford to “Be Likable”

Nobody wants to be with you. Everybody wants to be with the person they perceive you to be.

You are “Likable” to your boss, so long you obey his commands and act exactly the way he wants you to act. You are “Likable” to your spouse, so long you stay loyal. You are “Likable” to your neighbors, so long you don’t cause nuisance. You are “Likable” to your relatives and friends, so long you give them your attention.

Everybody wants you to be exactly how they want you to be. The moment there is some aberration in your behavior, this “Likability” will disappear.

Advertising

The moment you start working on your own idea or company, your boss will see you as a threat to the organization. It doesn’t matter how loyally you have served the organization for years, the perception will change and the years of hard work you have put to become the “Likable guy” will evaporate.

The moment your partner gets a new job and falls for an attractive colleague, your “Likability” ceases to exist. This is just a difference of perception of the onlooker and there is nothing you can do about it.

So we see, there is always a condition attached with “Likability”.

If you are chasing a difficult goal, you cannot afford to become “Likable”. This is because you are a different person to each onlooker and it is impossible to gratify each onlooker’s expectations. Your pursuit of a goal will cause disruption and it is critical to be “Critical” in your pursuit and not “Likable”.

Advertising

This doesn’t translate to one should be rude and smug about his endeavors. Just be who you are and pay attention to your mental body. In time, you will attract people and personalities in your life who will like you for who you are and not how “Likable” you are to them.

Featured photo credit: A young woman is sitting on a bench at sunset on an autumn day in the city via shutterstock.com

More by this author

Why You Should Be Critical, Not Likable

Trending in Communication

1 How to Live a Happy Life: 10 Keys to Happiness 2 10 Signs You Are in a Codependent Relationship (And What To Do About It) 3 I Want To Be Happy: 7 Science-Backed Ways to Find Happiness 4 13 Ways Happy People Think and Feel Differently 5 10 Morning Habits Of Happy People

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on July 20, 2021

How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

Advertising
How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

You’re standing behind the curtain, just about to make your way on stage to face the many faces half-shrouded in darkness in front of you. As you move towards the spotlight, your body starts to feel heavier with each step. A familiar thump echoes throughout your body – your heartbeat has gone off the charts.

Don’t worry, you’re not the only one with glossophobia(also known as speech anxiety or the fear of speaking to large crowds). Sometimes, the anxiety happens long before you even stand on stage.

Your body’s defence mechanism responds by causing a part of your brain to release adrenaline into your blood – the same chemical that gets released as if you were being chased by a lion.

Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you overcome your fear of public speaking:

1. Prepare yourself mentally and physically

According to experts, we’re built to display anxiety and to recognize it in others. If your body and mind are anxious, your audience will notice. Hence, it’s important to prepare yourself before the big show so that you arrive on stage confident, collected and ready.

“Your outside world is a reflection of your inside world. What goes on in the inside, shows on the outside.” – Bob Proctor

Exercising lightly before a presentation helps get your blood circulating and sends oxygen to the brain. Mental exercises, on the other hand, can help calm the mind and nerves. Here are some useful ways to calm your racing heart when you start to feel the butterflies in your stomach:

Warming up

If you’re nervous, chances are your body will feel the same way. Your body gets tense, your muscles feel tight or you’re breaking in cold sweat. The audience will notice you are nervous.

If you observe that this is exactly what is happening to you minutes before a speech, do a couple of stretches to loosen and relax your body. It’s better to warm up before every speech as it helps to increase the functional potential of the body as a whole. Not only that, it increases muscle efficiency, improves reaction time and your movements.

Here are some exercises to loosen up your body before show time:

Advertising

  1. Neck and shoulder rolls – This helps relieve upper body muscle tension and pressure as the rolls focus on rotating the head and shoulders, loosening the muscle. Stress and anxiety can make us rigid within this area which can make you feel agitated, especially when standing.
  2. Arm stretches – We often use this part of our muscles during a speech or presentation through our hand gestures and movements. Stretching these muscles can reduce arm fatigue, loosen you up and improve your body language range.
  3. Waist twists – Place your hands on your hips and rotate your waist in a circular motion. This exercise focuses on loosening the abdominal and lower back regions which is essential as it can cause discomfort and pain, further amplifying any anxieties you may experience.

Stay hydrated

Ever felt parched seconds before speaking? And then coming up on stage sounding raspy and scratchy in front of the audience? This happens because the adrenaline from stage fright causes your mouth to feel dried out.

To prevent all that, it’s essential we stay adequately hydrated before a speech. A sip of water will do the trick. However, do drink in moderation so that you won’t need to go to the bathroom constantly.

Try to avoid sugary beverages and caffeine, since it’s a diuretic – meaning you’ll feel thirstier. It will also amplify your anxiety which prevents you from speaking smoothly.

Meditate

Meditation is well-known as a powerful tool to calm the mind. ABC’s Dan Harris, co-anchor of Nightline and Good Morning America weekend and author of the book titled10% Happier , recommends that meditation can help individuals to feel significantly calmer, faster.

Meditation is like a workout for your mind. It gives you the strength and focus to filter out the negativity and distractions with words of encouragement, confidence and strength.

Mindfulness meditation, in particular, is a popular method to calm yourself before going up on the big stage. The practice involves sitting comfortably, focusing on your breathing and then bringing your mind’s attention to the present without drifting into concerns about the past or future – which likely includes floundering on stage.

Here’s a nice example of guided meditation before public speaking:

2. Focus on your goal

One thing people with a fear of public speaking have in common is focusing too much on themselves and the possibility of failure.

Do I look funny? What if I can’t remember what to say? Do I look stupid? Will people listen to me? Does anyone care about what I’m talking about?’

Instead of thinking this way, shift your attention to your one true purpose – contributing something of value to your audience.

Advertising

Decide on the progress you’d like your audience to make after your presentation. Notice their movements and expressions to adapt your speech to ensure that they are having a good time to leave the room as better people.

If your own focus isn’t beneficial and what it should be when you’re speaking, then shift it to what does. This is also key to establishing trust during your presentation as the audience can clearly see that you have their interests at heart.[1]

3. Convert negativity to positivity

There are two sides constantly battling inside of us – one is filled with strength and courage while the other is doubt and insecurities. Which one will you feed?

‘What if I mess up this speech? What if I’m not funny enough? What if I forget what to say?’

It’s no wonder why many of us are uncomfortable giving a presentation. All we do is bring ourselves down before we got a chance to prove ourselves. This is also known as a self-fulfilling prophecy – a belief that comes true because we are acting as if it already is. If you think you’re incompetent, then it will eventually become true.

Motivational coaches tout that positive mantras and affirmations tend to boost your confidents for the moments that matter most. Say to yourself: “I’ll ace this speech and I can do it!”

Take advantage of your adrenaline rush to encourage positive outcome rather than thinking of the negative ‘what ifs’.

Here’s a video of Psychologist Kelly McGonigal who encourages her audience to turn stress into something positive as well as provide methods on how to cope with it:

4. Understand your content

Knowing your content at your fingertips helps reduce your anxiety because there is one less thing to worry about. One way to get there is to practice numerous times before your actual speech.

Advertising

However, memorizing your script word-for-word is not encouraged. You can end up freezing should you forget something. You’ll also risk sounding unnatural and less approachable.

“No amount of reading or memorizing will make you successful in life. It is the understanding and the application of wise thought that counts.” – Bob Proctor

Many people unconsciously make the mistake of reading from their slides or memorizing their script word-for-word without understanding their content – a definite way to stress themselves out.

Understanding your speech flow and content makes it easier for you to convert ideas and concepts into your own words which you can then clearly explain to others in a conversational manner. Designing your slides to include text prompts is also an easy hack to ensure you get to quickly recall your flow when your mind goes blank.[2]

One way to understand is to memorize the over-arching concepts or ideas in your pitch. It helps you speak more naturally and let your personality shine through. It’s almost like taking your audience on a journey with a few key milestones.

5. Practice makes perfect

Like most people, many of us are not naturally attuned to public speaking. Rarely do individuals walk up to a large audience and present flawlessly without any research and preparation.

In fact, some of the top presenters make it look easy during showtime because they have spent countless hours behind-the-scenes in deep practice. Even great speakers like the late John F. Kennedy would spend months preparing his speech beforehand.

Public speaking, like any other skill, requires practice – whether it be practicing your speech countless of times in front of a mirror or making notes. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect!

6. Be authentic

There’s nothing wrong with feeling stressed before going up to speak in front of an audience.

Many people fear public speaking because they fear others will judge them for showing their true, vulnerable self. However, vulnerability can sometimes help you come across as more authentic and relatable as a speaker.

Advertising

Drop the pretence of trying to act or speak like someone else and you’ll find that it’s worth the risk. You become more genuine, flexible and spontaneous, which makes it easier to handle unpredictable situations – whether it’s getting tough questions from the crowd or experiencing an unexpected technical difficulty.

To find out your authentic style of speaking is easy. Just pick a topic or issue you are passionate about and discuss this like you normally would with a close family or friend. It is like having a conversation with someone in a personal one-to-one setting. A great way to do this on stage is to select a random audience member(with a hopefully calming face) and speak to a single person at a time during your speech. You’ll find that it’s easier trying to connect to one person at a time than a whole room.

With that said, being comfortable enough to be yourself in front of others may take a little time and some experience, depending how comfortable you are with being yourself in front of others. But once you embrace it, stage fright will not be as intimidating as you initially thought.

Presenters like Barack Obama are a prime example of a genuine and passionate speaker:

7. Post speech evaluation

Last but not the least, if you’ve done public speaking and have been scarred from a bad experience, try seeing it as a lesson learned to improve yourself as a speaker.

Don’t beat yourself up after a presentation

We are the hardest on ourselves and it’s good to be. But when you finish delivering your speech or presentation, give yourself some recognition and a pat on the back.

You managed to finish whatever you had to do and did not give up. You did not let your fears and insecurities get to you. Take a little more pride in your work and believe in yourself.

Improve your next speech

As mentioned before, practice does make perfect. If you want to improve your public speaking skills, try asking someone to film you during a speech or presentation. Afterwards, watch and observe what you can do to improve yourself next time.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself after every speech:

Advertising

  • How did I do?
  • Are there any areas for improvement?
  • Did I sound or look stressed?
  • Did I stumble on my words? Why?
  • Was I saying “um” too often?
  • How was the flow of the speech?

Write everything you observed down and keep practicing and improving. In time, you’ll be able to better manage your fears of public speaking and appear more confident when it counts.

If you want even more tips about public speaking or delivering a great presentation, check out these articles too:

Reference

Read Next