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It’s Not How You Look That Makes You Attractive, But Who You Are Inside

It’s Not How You Look That Makes You Attractive, But Who You Are Inside

We all have those days when we just don’t feel attractive. And trying to meet society’s expectations of beauty can be even more frustrating – your clothes are from last season, your hair doesn’t look right, you gained 10 pounds over winter. You start thinking, “Is this why I’m still single?” Let me just stop you right there. Resist these overwhelming feelings. Don’t allow social demands to cause you to question your self-worth.

As it turns out, your physical appearance is not what makes you attractive to other people. What matters the most is who you are on the inside.

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“Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.” – Kahlil Gibran

Your physical appearance is not likely to cause attraction between you and the person you’re dating. Contrary to what we are conditioned to believe, your emotional expressions are what other people find attractive. When we’re dating new people, we want to build a relationship with somebody who shares our thoughts and morals. We want to find somebody that we can understand…

A psychology study has backed this up. A professor of Social and Affective Neuroscience at the University of Lubeck in Germany, Silke Anders, conducted an experiment by having volunteers watch videos of women expressing either sadness or fear. The volunteers then rated the videos. The results indicated a positive correlation between how well the volunteers understood the woman’s feelings and how attractive they found her. The findings went beyond the volunteers’ ratings. The area of their brains responsible for the feeling of attraction were also more active when watching the women that they could understand.[1]

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Our desire to have a relationship with somebody we can understand is built into our psychology. In fact, the very attraction between two people is dependent on whether or not we share a common language. Being able to understand somebody we are dating means that we can trust them as our partner.

“I found I was more confident when I stopped trying to be someone else’s definition of beautiful and started being my own.” –Remington Miller

All of this worrying about how attractive we are on the outside can really bring us down, giving us insecurities and even social anxiety. We lose our confidence when we start worrying about how other will see us. And with our confidence goes our happiness.

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So what’s the answer? It’s in your communication with the rest of the world. Show them that you don’t care what you think. That’s right, stop caring and stop thinking. Thinking too much before you do something (like going out for the night) only causes you a ton of social anxiety. When you stop thinking, you get rid of that anxiety. If you’re in the dating world and get rejected, don’t think about it. Let it roll right off your shoulders; don’t feel angry and don’t feel hurt. Because you don’t care.[2]

When you stop caring, you’ll be more likely to be proactive in life, both in the professional and personal realm. And you’ll start to realize something with this new attitude. It gives you social confidence. As long as you focus on your life with confidence, people will be attracted to you.

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The psychology of attraction says that it doesn’t matter how you look. So stop worrying about getting the right shade of lipstick, going out with a bad hairdo, and putting on the right outfit. None of this makes you attractive. People are attracted to you because of your confidence, your personality, and the way you express yourself. So remember this when you’re going out there into the dating world. You are beautiful on the inside, let that person shine through.

Featured photo credit: Unsplash via pexels.com

Reference

More by this author

Amber Pariona

EFL Teacher, Lifehack Writer, English/Spanish Translator, MPA

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Last Updated on January 18, 2019

7 Ways To Deal With Negative People

7 Ways To Deal With Negative People

Some people will have a rain cloud hanging over them, no matter what the weather is outside. Their negative attitude is toxic to your own moods, and you probably feel like there is little you can do about it.

But that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

If you want to effectively deal with negative people and be a champion of positivity, then your best route is to take definite action through some of the steps below.

1. Limit the time you spend with them.

First, let’s get this out of the way. You can be more positive than a cartoon sponge, but even your enthusiasm has a chance of being afflicted by the constant negativity of a friend.

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In fact, negativity has been proven to damage your health physically, making you vulnerable to high levels of stress and even cardiac disease. There’s no reason to get hurt because of someone else’s bad mood.

Though this may be a little tricky depending on your situation, working to spend slightly less time around negative people will keep your own spirits from slipping as well.

2. Speak up for yourself.

Don’t just absorb the comments that you are being bombarded with, especially if they are about you. It’s wise to be quick to listen and slow to speak, but being too quiet can give the person the impression that you are accepting what’s being said.

3. Don’t pretend that their behavior is “OK.”

This is an easy trap to fall into. Point out to the person that their constant negativity isn’t a good thing. We don’t want to do this because it’s far easier to let someone sit in their woes, and we’d rather just stay out of it.

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But if you want the best for this person, avoid giving the false impression that their negativity is normal.

4. Don’t make their problems your problems.

Though I consider empathy a gift, it can be a dangerous thing. When we hear the complaints of a friend or family member, we typically start to take on their burdens with them.

This is a bad habit to get into, especially if this is a person who is almost exclusively negative. These types of people are prone to embellishing and altering a story in order to gain sympathy.

Why else would they be sharing this with you?

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5. Change the subject.

When you suspect that a conversation is starting to take a turn for the negative, be a champion of positivity by changing the subject. Of course, you have to do this without ignoring what the other person said.

Acknowledge their comment, but move the conversation forward before the euphoric pleasure gained from complaining takes hold of either of you.

6. Talk about solutions, not problems.

Sometimes, changing the subject isn’t an option if you want to deal with negative people, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still be positive.

I know that when someone begins dumping complaints on me, I have a hard time knowing exactly what to say. The key is to measure your responses as solution-based.

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You can do this by asking questions like, “Well, how could this be resolved?” or, “How do you think they feel about it?”

Use discernment to find an appropriate response that will help your friend manage their perspectives.

7. Leave them behind.

Sadly, there are times when we have to move on without these friends, especially if you have exhausted your best efforts toward building a positive relationship.

If this person is a family member, you can still have a functioning relationship with them, of course, but you may still have to limit the influence they have over your wellbeing.

That being said, what are some steps you’ve taken to deal with negative people? Let us know in the comments.

You may also want to read: How to Stop the Negative Spin of Thoughts, Emotions and Actions.

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