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It’s Not How You Look That Makes You Attractive, But Who You Are Inside

It’s Not How You Look That Makes You Attractive, But Who You Are Inside

We all have those days when we just don’t feel attractive. And trying to meet society’s expectations of beauty can be even more frustrating – your clothes are from last season, your hair doesn’t look right, you gained 10 pounds over winter. You start thinking, “Is this why I’m still single?” Let me just stop you right there. Resist these overwhelming feelings. Don’t allow social demands to cause you to question your self-worth.

As it turns out, your physical appearance is not what makes you attractive to other people. What matters the most is who you are on the inside.

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“Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.” – Kahlil Gibran

Your physical appearance is not likely to cause attraction between you and the person you’re dating. Contrary to what we are conditioned to believe, your emotional expressions are what other people find attractive. When we’re dating new people, we want to build a relationship with somebody who shares our thoughts and morals. We want to find somebody that we can understand…

A psychology study has backed this up. A professor of Social and Affective Neuroscience at the University of Lubeck in Germany, Silke Anders, conducted an experiment by having volunteers watch videos of women expressing either sadness or fear. The volunteers then rated the videos. The results indicated a positive correlation between how well the volunteers understood the woman’s feelings and how attractive they found her. The findings went beyond the volunteers’ ratings. The area of their brains responsible for the feeling of attraction were also more active when watching the women that they could understand.[1]

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Our desire to have a relationship with somebody we can understand is built into our psychology. In fact, the very attraction between two people is dependent on whether or not we share a common language. Being able to understand somebody we are dating means that we can trust them as our partner.

“I found I was more confident when I stopped trying to be someone else’s definition of beautiful and started being my own.” –Remington Miller

All of this worrying about how attractive we are on the outside can really bring us down, giving us insecurities and even social anxiety. We lose our confidence when we start worrying about how other will see us. And with our confidence goes our happiness.

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So what’s the answer? It’s in your communication with the rest of the world. Show them that you don’t care what you think. That’s right, stop caring and stop thinking. Thinking too much before you do something (like going out for the night) only causes you a ton of social anxiety. When you stop thinking, you get rid of that anxiety. If you’re in the dating world and get rejected, don’t think about it. Let it roll right off your shoulders; don’t feel angry and don’t feel hurt. Because you don’t care.[2]

When you stop caring, you’ll be more likely to be proactive in life, both in the professional and personal realm. And you’ll start to realize something with this new attitude. It gives you social confidence. As long as you focus on your life with confidence, people will be attracted to you.

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The psychology of attraction says that it doesn’t matter how you look. So stop worrying about getting the right shade of lipstick, going out with a bad hairdo, and putting on the right outfit. None of this makes you attractive. People are attracted to you because of your confidence, your personality, and the way you express yourself. So remember this when you’re going out there into the dating world. You are beautiful on the inside, let that person shine through.

Featured photo credit: Unsplash via pexels.com

Reference

More by this author

Amber Pariona

EFL Teacher, Lifehack Writer, English/Spanish Translator, MPA

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Last Updated on November 15, 2018

Success In Reaching Goals Is Determined By Mindset

Success In Reaching Goals Is Determined By Mindset

What do you think it takes to achieve your goals? Hard work? Lots of actions? While these are paramount to becoming successful in reaching our goals, neither of these are possible without a positive mindset.

As humans, we naturally tend to lean towards a negative outlook when it comes to our hopes and dreams. We are prone to believing that we have limitations either from within ourselves or from external forces keeping us from truly getting to where we want to be in life. Our tendency to think that we’ll “believe it when we see it” suggests that our mindsets are focused on our goals not really being attainable until they’ve been achieved. The problem with this is that this common mindset fuels our limiting beliefs and shows a lack of faith in ourselves.

The Success Mindset

Success in achieving our goals comes down to a ‘success mindset’. Successful mindsets are those focused on victory, based on positive mental attitudes, empowering inclinations and good habits. Acquiring a success mindset is the sure-fire way to dramatically increase your chance to achieve your goals.

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The idea that achieving our goals comes down to our habits and actions is actually a typical type of mindset that misses a crucial point; that our mindset is, in fact, the determiner of our energy and what actions we take. A negative mindset will tend to create negative actions and similarly if we have a mindset that will only set into action once we see ‘proof’ that our goals are achievable, then the road will be much longer and arduous. This is why, instead of thinking “I’ll believe it when I see it”, a success mindset will think “I’ll see it when I believe it.”

The Placebo Effect and What It Shows Us About The Power of Mindset

The placebo effect is a perfect example of how mindset really can be powerful. In scientific trials, a group of participants were told they received medication that will heal an ailment but were actually given a sugar pill that does nothing (the placebo). Yet after the trial the participants believed it’s had a positive effect – sometimes even cured their ailment even though nothing has changed. This is the power of mindset.

How do we apply this to our goals? Well, when we set goals and dreams how often do we really believe they’ll come to fruition? Have absolute faith that they can be achieved? Have a complete unwavering expectation? Most of us don’t because we hold on to negative mindsets and limiting beliefs about ourselves that stop us from fully believing we are capable or that it’s at all possible. We tend to listen to the opinions of others despite them misaligning with our own or bow to societal pressures that make us believe we should think and act a certain way. There are many reasons why we possess these types of mindsets but a success mindset can be achieved.

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How To Create a Success Mindset

People with success mindsets have a particular way of perceiving things. They have positive outlooks and are able to put faith fully in their ability to succeed. With that in mind, here are a few ways that can turn a negative mindset into a successful one.

1. A Success Mindset Comes From a Growth Mindset

How does a mindset even manifest itself? It comes from the way you talk to yourself in the privacy of your own head. Realising this will go a long way towards noticing how you speak to yourself and others around you. If it’s mainly negative language you use when you talk about your goals and aspirations then this is an example of a fixed mindset.

A negative mindset brings with it a huge number of limiting beliefs. It creates a fixed mindset – one that can’t see beyond it’s own limitations. A growth mindset sees these limitations and looks beyond them – it finds ways to overcome obstacles and believes that this will result in success. When you think of your goal, a fixed mindset may think “what if I fail?” A growth mindset would look at the same goal and think “failures happen but that doesn’t mean I won’t be successful.”

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There’s a lot of power in changing your perspective.

2. Look For The Successes

It’s really important to get your mind focused on positive aspects of your goal. Finding inspiration through others can be really uplifting and keep you on track with developing your success mindset; reinforcing your belief that your dreams can be achieved. Find people that you can talk with about how they achieved their goals and seek out and surround yourself with positive people. This is crucial if you’re learning to develop a positive mindset.

3. Eliminate Negativity

You can come up against a lot of negativity sometimes either through other people or within yourself. Understanding that other people’s negative opinions are created through their own fears and limiting beliefs will go a long way in sustaining your success mindset. But for a lot of us, negative chatter can come from within and these usually manifest as negative words such as can’t, won’t, shouldn’t. Sometimes, when we think of how we’re going to achieve our goals, statements in our minds come out as negative absolutes: ‘It never works out for me’ or ‘I always fail.’

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When you notice these coming up you need to turn them around with ‘It always works out for me!’ and ‘I never fail!’ The trick is to believe it no matter what’s happened in the past. Remember that every new day is a clean slate and for you to adjust your mindset.

4. Create a Vision

Envisioning your end goal and seeing it in your mind is an important trait of a success mindset. Allowing ourselves to imagine our success creates a powerful excitement that shouldn’t be underestimated. When our brain becomes excited at the thought of achieving our goals, we become more committed, work harder towards achieving it and more likely to do whatever it takes to make it happen.

If this involves creating a vision board that you can look at to remind yourself every day then go for it. Small techniques like this go a long way in sustaining your success mindset and shouldn’t be dismissed.

An Inspirational Story…

For centuries experts said that running a mile in under 4 minutes was humanly impossible. On the 6th May 1954, Rodger Bannister did just that. As part of his training, Bannister relentlessly visualised the achievement, believing he could accomplish what everyone said wasn’t possible…and he did it.

What’s more amazing is that, as soon as Bannister achieved the 4-minute mile, more and more people also achieved it. How was this possible after so many years of no one achieving it? Because in people’s minds it was suddenly possible – once people knew that it was achievable it created a mindset of success and now, after over fifty years since Bannister did the ‘impossible’, his record has been lowered by 17 seconds – the power of the success mindset!

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