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What You Can Learn When Someone Breaks Up With You

What You Can Learn When Someone Breaks Up With You

Going through a breakup is never easy — especially when you’re the one being broken up with. It can make you feel empty and unworthy of love and connection. The good news is that it doesn’t have to be that way if you don’t want it to be. I’m not saying that you are not going to feel pain from the loss you are experiencing, but I am promising that if you look at the glass as half full instead of half empty, you will open up the door for joy. Instead of allowing yourself to wallow and play the victim, let’s take a look at some of the lessons you could be learning from this experience:

1. Acceptance

Learning how to accept that change is a part of life and that nothing lasts forever, you will be able to overcome and easily move with the ebb and flow of life. When we learn to accept life for how it is and understand that there is a beginning and ending to everything, we will be able to clearly see when an experience is coming to an end and let go gracefully. Acceptance will allow us live the most fulfilling life possible — without trying to control and change people and situations — resulting in more fulfilling relationships.

2. About Who You Really Are

This is the time to practice self-love and compassion. It is time to dig deep, wrestle with those internal demons and ask yourself two questions:

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  • What was I not getting out of this relationship that I need in my next relationship?
  • What was I not doing for myself in this relationship?

Take the time now to identify your needs and learn how to ask yourself first “what do I need in order to take care of myself in this moment?” Ask yourself why this relationship ended:

  • Is it from a lack of boundaries?
  • Is it from a lack of communication?
  • Is it from a lack of understanding?

Do not finger-point and blame, but instead ask these questions to try to learn from this experience and become a better you. This is part of the process of learning how to truly love yourself. Until you learn to truly love yourself, you will not know how to love someone else. You can only give what you have, after all…

3. How To Deal With Grief

There is nothing easy about going through the cycle of grief. It’s like an emotional roller coaster ride — tons of highs and lows, and you cant get off until the ride is over. It’s not a pleasant experience, but it is something we must learn to deal with. We are given the opportunity to try out different tools to figure out what works best for us and helps us get through these highs and lows with as much ease as possible.

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Through this process of grief, we will learn how to bounce back and prove to ourselves how strong and resilient we really are. We will also learn that self-love and compassion go a long way.

4. Who Your True Supporters Are

I think it’s pretty normal to question the loyalties of your loved ones from time to time. But have you ever noticed that when things really hit the fan, there’s no need to question who is going to stay by your side? They just show up. This is your support system — take the time to thank them and be present with them. These are the moments that make us feel connected, important and loved; it is also the time we need it the most.

5. Over Time, All Wounds Heal

Pain does not last forever. Neither does heartbreak. Practice leaning into the discomfort and allowing yourself to be present in whatever you are feeling. One day at a time, things will get better and the clouds will lift.

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6. Forgiveness

This is a biggie, and an important virtue to learn if you want to lead a happy life. Holding onto resentment and anger is only destructive to you – no one else. There is an immense amount of freedom that comes with being able to forgive. The first step in forgiveness is to be able to accept things as they are and let go.

When I talk about forgiveness, I am not only referring to forgiving your ex. I suggest you begin by forgiving yourself. Again, you can not give something you do not have, so how can you forgive others if you can not forgive yourself? Let go of the guilt and those thoughts of “shoulda, coulda, woulda,” and forgive.

7. Gratitude

If you want to feel joy again, you must learn how to will gratitude. It may be hard, but gratitude makes the space necessary for miracles happen. Take the time to tell your loved ones you are grateful for their love and support. Also, take the time to thank your Higher Power for the lessons you are learning. One of my favorite daily meditations, by Melody Beattie, reads:

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“Are you hanging on to a resentment for that ex or a friend from days long past? Are you still harboring bitterness about a job or business deal gone bad? Are you holding on to a part of your life that was painful with bitterness and resentment? Are you holding on to a particularly good time or cycle you had with someone, afraid that if things change and you let the past go and come into now, things won’t be quite as good?

Maybe you needed that relationship to teach you about a part of yourself. Maybe you learned compassion or more about what you wanted from life. Maybe that friend, even though he or she isn’t in your life anymore, helped you open up a part of yourself that was shut down and needed to be activated and set free. What about those painful experiences? You learned something, probably a lot, from them, too. And that experience that was so fulfilling? That, too, needs to be let go of if we’re going to open our hearts to the new.

Apply a dose of gratitude. Thank the experience for being in your life. Thank that ex, or that friend, or that business, or that boss. Thank them over and over again in your mind. Deliberately sit down and figure out what the lessons and gifts were. If you can’t see them, ask to be shown.

Move a step closer to letting go and becoming free by being grateful for how that person or experience enriched your life.” –Melody Beattie

Featured photo credit: EliJerma via flickr.com

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Last Updated on April 19, 2021

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

We all lose our temper from time to time, and expressing anger is actually a healthy thing to do in our relationships with others. Expressing our differences in opinion allows us to have healthy conflict and many times come to an agreement or understanding that works for everyone. However, there are times when anger can become overwhelming or damaging, and during these times, it’s important to learn how to deal with anger.

Expressing anger inappropriately can be harmful to relationships, both personal and professional. You may express too much anger, too often, or at times that are only going to make things worse, not better. In this article we will look at anger management techniques that will help you better control your emotions.

Let’s take a deeper look at how to deal with anger.

Expressing Anger

Anger is a natural and normal part of almost any relationship. This includes relationships with your significant other, kids, boss, friends, family, etc. Anger provides us with valuable information if we are willing to listen to it. It clues us in to areas where we disagree with others and things that need to be changed or altered.

Unhealthy Ways to Express Anger

Here are some common yet unhealthy ways to express anger that you should avoid:

Being Passive-Aggressive

This is a term many of us are familiar with. Passive-aggressive behavior happens when someone is angry but uses indirect communication to express their anger.

Some of the more common passive-aggressive behaviors include the silent treatment, making comments about someone behind their back, being grumpy, moody, or pouting, or simply not doing tasks or assignments that they should.

This is a passive-aggressive person’s way of showing their anger. It’s not very productive but extremely common.

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Poorly-Timed

Some people get overwhelmed and express anger in a situation where it can’t really do any good.

An example would be getting angry at one person in front of a crowd of people. All that does is make people uncomfortable and shuts them down. It’s not a healthy way to express anger or disagreement with someone.

Ongoing Anger

Being angry all the time is most often a symptom of something else. It’s healthy and normal to express anger when you disagree with someone. However, if someone is angry most of the time and always seems to be expressing their anger to everyone around them, this won’t serve them well.

Over time, people will start to avoid this person and have as little contact as possible. The reason being is no one likes being around someone who is angry all the time; it’s a no-win situation.

Healthy Ways to Express Anger

What about the healthy ways[1] to adapt? When learning how to deal with anger, here are some healthy ways to get you started.

Being Honest

Express your anger or disagreement honestly. Be truthful about what it is that is making you angry. Sometimes this will entail walking away and thinking about it for a bit before you respond.

Don’t say you’re mad at something someone did or said when it’s really something else that upset you.

Being Direct

Similar to being honest, being direct is a healthy way to express anger.

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Don’t talk around something that is making you angry. Don’t say that one thing is making you angry when it’s really something else, and don’t stack items on top of each other so you can unload on someone about 10 different things 6 months from now.

Be direct and upfront about what is making you angry. Ensure you are expressing your anger to the person who upset you or you are angry at, not to someone else. This is very counterproductive.

Being Timely

When something makes you angry, it’s much better to express it in a timely manner. Don’t keep it bottled up inside of you, as that’s only going to do more harm than good.

Think of the marriages that seem to go up in flames out of nowhere when the reality is someone kept quiet for years until they hit their breaking point.

Expressing anger as it occurs is a much healthier way of using anger to help us guide our relationships in the moment.

How to Deal With Anger

If you feel angry, how should you deal with it right at that moment?

1. Slow Down

From time to time, I receive an email at work that makes me so angry that steam is probably pouring out of my ears.

In my less restrained moments, I have been known to fire off a quick response, and that typically has ended about as well as you might imagine.

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When I actually walk away from my computer and go do something else for a while, I am able to calm down and think more rationally. After that happens, I am able to respond in a more appropriate and productive manner. Doing things that helps you learn how to release anger can make an uncomfortable situation more manageable before it gets out of hand.

2. Focus on the “I”

Remember that you are the one that’s upset. Don’t accuse people of making you upset because, in the end, it’s your response to what someone did that really triggered your anger. You don’t want to place blame by saying something like “Why don’t you ever put away your dishes?” Say something more like “Having dirty dishes laying on the counter upsets me—can you work with me to come to a solution?”

When you are accusatory towards someone, all that does is increase the tension. This doesn’t usually do anything except make your anger rise higher.

3. Work out

When learning how to deal with anger, exercise is a great outlet. If something happens that angers you, see if you have the opportunity to burn off some of the anger.

Being able to hit the gym to get a hard workout in is great. If this isn’t an option, see if you can go for a run or a bike ride. If you are at work when you become angry and the weather permits, at least go outside for a brisk walk.

Besides working some of your anger out through exercise, this also helps to give your mind a chance to work through some ways to address what it is that upset you.

If you’re not sure where to start with an exercise routine, check out Lifehack’s free Simple Cardio Home Workout Plan.

4. Seek Help When Needed

There are times when we could all use some help. Life can be stressful and overwhelming. It’s perfectly fine to seek some help from a mental health professional if it will help you get back to a healthy balance.If you find that you are angry all the time, it might be a good idea to go talk to an expert about learning to control intense emotions. They can give you some sound advice and ideas on how to get your anger to a more manageable and healthy level.

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5. Practice Relaxation

We all seem to lead incredibly busy lives, and that’s a good thing if we are loving the life we are living. That being said, it is very beneficial to our physical and mental well-being to take time out for relaxation.

That can mean spending time doing things that help us calm down and relax, like being around people we enjoy, practicing deep breathing or listening to music. It could be making time for things that help bring us balance like a healthy diet and physical activity.

Many people incorporate techniques such as yoga and meditation to calm their minds and release tension when learning how to deal with anger. Whatever your choice is, ensure you take time out to relax when warning signs of anger start to bubble up.

6. Laugh

Incorporating humor and laughter on a regular basis will help keep anger in check and help you get over a bad mood and feelings of anger more quickly. This isn’t part of formal anger management techniques, but you’ll be surprised by how well it works. Remember, life is a journey that’s meant to be enjoyed fully along the way through healthy emotion. Make sure you take time to laugh and have fun.Surround yourself with people that like to laugh and enjoy life. Don’t work at a job that just causes you stress, which can lead to anger. Work at something you enjoy doing.

7. Be Grateful

It’s easy to focus on the bad in life and the things that cause us negative emotions. It’s vitally important to remind ourselves of all the wonderful things in life that bring us positive emotions, things that we easily forget because we get caught up in the whirlwind of day to day life.

Take time out each day to remind yourself of a few things you are grateful for in order to help you learn how to release anger and invite in more positive feelings.

Final Thoughts

Life can be overwhelming at times. We seem to have constant pressure to achieve more and to always be on the go or motivated. People we are around and situations we are in can cause stress, anger, and negative emotions. At times, it can seem to be too much, and we get angry and our emotions start to get out of control.

During these times, keep in mind that life is an incredible journey, full of wonder and things that bring you joy. When you find yourself angry more often than is healthy, take time out to remember the good things in life—the things that we seem to forget yet bring us so much positive energy and emotions.

Use some of the tips included here to help with how to deal with anger and better control your emotions.

More Resources on Anger Management

Featured photo credit: Andre Hunter via unsplash.com

Reference

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