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The Reasons Why You Feel It’s Difficult To Forgive

The Reasons Why You Feel It’s Difficult To Forgive

If you heard that it was possible to forgive someone in an instant and let go of long-held anger and resentment, you would probably be skeptical. It would be hard to believe because you’ve dealt with those feelings all of your life and you know how long they can linger. But what you may not realize is that there are reliable, predictable and teachable components to the forgiveness process–and they have nothing to do with the person who hurt you. They’re all about you and the story you tell yourself.

Let’s try an experiment. Think of two people in your life: Someone who made you angry but you’ve since forgiven and still like and someone who has hurt you that you don’t like and haven’t forgiven.  After identifying these two people, think of them at the same time.  As you see them in your mind’s eye, notice how you represent them differently.

First, look at your mental pictures. One image might be larger, brighter, farther away, or in a different location, etc.

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Second, take note of any sounds associated with these two people. Are there voices with one image and not with the other? Do you notice a difference in volume or quality of sound?

Lastly, notice the differences in your feelings as you think about these two people. Do you have a hot or cold sensation with one or both of them? Do you notice a smoothness or roughness associated with either person?

After you have made a mental note of the differences in how you represent each person, swap the locations and pictures of these two people and notice how your feelings change in response to this.

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People who have done the above experiment often report feeling uncomfortable, unsafe and want to rearrange the images and sounds back to their original locations. The reasons for this response are the same reasons people find it difficult to forgive quickly. You have legitimate objections that must be satisfied before you would be willing to forgive the offending person and you would need to feel safe and comfortable with your decision to forgive.  

Here are some common objections to forgiving others and a “hack” to get around them.

They don’t deserve to be forgiven! This may be true but forgiveness is not for the other person, it’s for you, so that you can live in your body comfortably and according to your highest values.

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Revenge is sweet! Some people feel that when they get hurt they become less of who they once were.  It’s assumed that getting even will build them back up again, both in their eyes and the eyes of their friends and family. Simply put, people want revenge so they can feel good about themselves again. But getting even every time someone hurts you keeps you enslaved to other people’s whims and bad behaviors. There are many more powerful ways of feeling good about yourself that’s not dependent on hurting other people who’ve hurt you.

I can’t forgive or I’ll be unsafe. Forgive and remember. Remember what happened to you, so that you remain alert to similar situations in the future in order to keep yourself safe. Instead of feeling angry and resentful, forgive the person so that you can focus on being strong and staying in touch with your choices and resources.

Forgiving them means giving permission to keep doing it.  Yes, the offender needs to know what they did was wrong. That message needs to be clear but anger tends to muddy that message. When we speak with anger, the other person we’re trying to relay the message to becomes defensive and stops listening.  Being able to communicate calmly and effectively puts you in the driver’s seat, enabling you to deliver a powerful message.

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After dealing with your objections to forgiving someone who hurt you, try swapping the mental images of the two people again. How do you feel about the person who hurt you this time? If something still isn’t quite right, you may have more objections that need to be dealt with.

Feelings like anger and resentment become our allies when we pay attention to the message they are sending us; to value ourselves by stopping mistreatment and setting clear boundaries. Once we realize that forgiving others really depends on satisfying our objections, we can easily and safely let go of the “negative” emotions and realign with our values and resources.

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Last Updated on January 21, 2020

How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

If I was a super hero I’d want my super power to be the ability to motivate everyone around me. Think of how many problems you could solve just by being able to motivate people towards their goals. You wouldn’t be frustrated by lazy co-workers. You wouldn’t be mad at your partner for wasting the weekend in front of the TV. Also, the more people around you are motivated toward their dreams, the more you can capitalize off their successes.

Being able to motivate people is key to your success at work, at home, and in the future because no one can achieve anything alone. We all need the help of others.

So, how to motivate people? Here are 7 ways to motivate others even you can do.

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1. Listen

Most people start out trying to motivate someone by giving them a lengthy speech, but this rarely works because motivation has to start inside others. The best way to motivate others is to start by listening to what they want to do. Find out what the person’s goals and dreams are. If it’s something you want to encourage, then continue through these steps.

2. Ask Open-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions are the best way to figure out what someone’s dreams are. If you can’t think of anything to ask, start with, “What have you always wanted to do?”

“Why do you want to do that?”

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“What makes you so excited about it?”

“How long has that been your dream?”

You need this information the help you with the following steps.

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3. Encourage

This is the most important step, because starting a dream is scary. People are so scared they will fail or look stupid, many never try to reach their goals, so this is where you come in. You must encourage them. Say things like, “I think you will be great at that.” Better yet, say, “I think your skills in X will help you succeed.” For example if you have a friend who wants to own a pet store, say, “You are so great with animals, I think you will be excellent at running a pet store.”

4. Ask About What the First Step Will Be

After you’ve encouraged them, find how they will start. If they don’t know, you can make suggestions, but it’s better to let the person figure out the first step themselves so they can be committed to the process.

5. Dream

This is the most fun step, because you can dream about success. Say things like, “Wouldn’t it be cool if your business took off, and you didn’t have to work at that job you hate?” By allowing others to dream, you solidify the motivation in place and connect their dreams to a future reality.

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6. Ask How You Can Help

Most of the time, others won’t need anything from you, but it’s always good to offer. Just letting the person know you’re there will help motivate them to start. And, who knows, maybe your skills can help.

7. Follow Up

Periodically, over the course of the next year, ask them how their goal is going. This way you can find out what progress has been made. You may need to do the seven steps again, or they may need motivation in another area of their life.

Final Thoughts

By following these seven steps, you’ll be able to encourage the people around you to achieve their dreams and goals. In return, you’ll be more passionate about getting to your goals, you’ll be surrounded by successful people, and others will want to help you reach your dreams …

Oh, and you’ll become a motivational super hero. Time to get a cape!

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Featured photo credit: Thought Catalog via unsplash.com

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