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The Reasons Why You Feel It’s Difficult To Forgive

The Reasons Why You Feel It’s Difficult To Forgive

If you heard that it was possible to forgive someone in an instant and let go of long-held anger and resentment, you would probably be skeptical. It would be hard to believe because you’ve dealt with those feelings all of your life and you know how long they can linger. But what you may not realize is that there are reliable, predictable and teachable components to the forgiveness process–and they have nothing to do with the person who hurt you. They’re all about you and the story you tell yourself.

Let’s try an experiment. Think of two people in your life: Someone who made you angry but you’ve since forgiven and still like and someone who has hurt you that you don’t like and haven’t forgiven.  After identifying these two people, think of them at the same time.  As you see them in your mind’s eye, notice how you represent them differently.

First, look at your mental pictures. One image might be larger, brighter, farther away, or in a different location, etc.

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Second, take note of any sounds associated with these two people. Are there voices with one image and not with the other? Do you notice a difference in volume or quality of sound?

Lastly, notice the differences in your feelings as you think about these two people. Do you have a hot or cold sensation with one or both of them? Do you notice a smoothness or roughness associated with either person?

After you have made a mental note of the differences in how you represent each person, swap the locations and pictures of these two people and notice how your feelings change in response to this.

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People who have done the above experiment often report feeling uncomfortable, unsafe and want to rearrange the images and sounds back to their original locations. The reasons for this response are the same reasons people find it difficult to forgive quickly. You have legitimate objections that must be satisfied before you would be willing to forgive the offending person and you would need to feel safe and comfortable with your decision to forgive.  

Here are some common objections to forgiving others and a “hack” to get around them.

They don’t deserve to be forgiven! This may be true but forgiveness is not for the other person, it’s for you, so that you can live in your body comfortably and according to your highest values.

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Revenge is sweet! Some people feel that when they get hurt they become less of who they once were.  It’s assumed that getting even will build them back up again, both in their eyes and the eyes of their friends and family. Simply put, people want revenge so they can feel good about themselves again. But getting even every time someone hurts you keeps you enslaved to other people’s whims and bad behaviors. There are many more powerful ways of feeling good about yourself that’s not dependent on hurting other people who’ve hurt you.

I can’t forgive or I’ll be unsafe. Forgive and remember. Remember what happened to you, so that you remain alert to similar situations in the future in order to keep yourself safe. Instead of feeling angry and resentful, forgive the person so that you can focus on being strong and staying in touch with your choices and resources.

Forgiving them means giving permission to keep doing it.  Yes, the offender needs to know what they did was wrong. That message needs to be clear but anger tends to muddy that message. When we speak with anger, the other person we’re trying to relay the message to becomes defensive and stops listening.  Being able to communicate calmly and effectively puts you in the driver’s seat, enabling you to deliver a powerful message.

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After dealing with your objections to forgiving someone who hurt you, try swapping the mental images of the two people again. How do you feel about the person who hurt you this time? If something still isn’t quite right, you may have more objections that need to be dealt with.

Feelings like anger and resentment become our allies when we pay attention to the message they are sending us; to value ourselves by stopping mistreatment and setting clear boundaries. Once we realize that forgiving others really depends on satisfying our objections, we can easily and safely let go of the “negative” emotions and realign with our values and resources.

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Last Updated on April 9, 2020

How to Think Positive Thoughts When Feeling Negative

How to Think Positive Thoughts When Feeling Negative

Positive thinking can lead to a lot of positive change in your life. Developing an optimistic outlook can be good for both your physical and mental health.

But sometimes, certain situations arise in life that makes it hard to keep a positive outlook. Take steps to make positive thinking become more like your second nature and you’ll reap the biggest benefits.

Here are 10 ways to make thinking positive thoughts easy:

1. Spend Time with Positive People

If you surround yourself with constant complainers, their negativity is likely to rub off on you.

Spend time with positive friends and family members to increase the likelihood that their positive thinking habits will become yours too. It’s hard to be negative when everyone around you is so positive.

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Learn How to Surround Yourself With Positive People.

2. Take Responsibility for Your Behavior

When you encounter problems and difficulties in life, don’t play the role of the victim. Acknowledge your role in the situation and take responsibility for your behavior.

Accepting responsibility can help you learn from mistakes and prevent you from blaming others unfairly.

3. Contribute to the Community

One of the best ways to feel good about what you have, is to focus on what you have to give.

Volunteer in some manner and give back to the community. Helping others can give you a new outlook on the world and can assist you with positive thinking.

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4. Read Positive and Inspirational Materials

Spend time each day reading something that encourages positive thinking. Read the Bible, spiritual material, or inspirational quotes to help you focus on what’s important to you in life. It can be a great way to start and end your day.

Some recommendations for you:

5. Recognize and Replace Negative Thoughts

You won’t be successful at positive thinking if you’re still plagued by frequent negative thoughts. Learn to recognize and replace thoughts that are overly negative. Often, thoughts that include words like “always” and “never” signal that they aren’t true.

If you find yourself thinking something such as, “I always mess everything up,” replace it with something more realistic such as, “Sometimes I make mistakes but I learn from them.”

There’s no need to make your thoughts unrealistically positive, but instead, make them more realistic.

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6. Establish and Work Toward Goals

It’s easier to be positive about problems and setbacks when you have goals that you’re working toward. Goals will give you motivation to overcome those obstacles when you encounter problems along the way. Without clear goals, it’s harder to make decisions and gauge your progress.

Learn to set SMART goals to help you achieve more.

7. Consider the Consequences of Negativity

Spend some time thinking about the consequences of negative thinking. Often, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

For example, a person who thinks, “I probably won’t get this job interview,” may put less effort into the interview. As a result, he may decrease his chances of getting the job.

Create a list of all the ways negative thinking impacts your life. It likely influences your behavior, your relationships, and your feelings. Then, create a list of the ways in which positive thinking could be beneficial.

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8. Offer Compliments to Others

Look for reasons to compliment others. Be genuine in your praise and compliments, but offer it frequently. This will help you look for the good in other people.

9. Create a Daily Gratitude List

If you start keeping a daily gratitude list, you’ll start noticing exactly how much you have to be thankful for. This can help you focus on the positive in your life instead of thinking about all the bad things that have happened in the day.

Getting in the habit of showing an attitude of gratitude makes positive thinking more of a habit. Here’re 40 Simple Ways To Practice Gratitude.

10. Practice Self-Care

Take good care of yourself and you’ll be more equipped to think positively.

Get plenty of rest and exercise and practice managing your stress well. Taking care of your physical and mental health will provide you with more energy to focus on positive thinking.

Learn about these 30 Self-Care Habits for a Strong and Healthy Mind, Body and Spirit.

More Tips for Staying Positive

Featured photo credit: DESIGNECOLOGIST via unsplash.com

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