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The Most Important Things You Should Know To Conquer Fear And Live A Better Life

The Most Important Things You Should Know To Conquer Fear And Live A Better Life

Napoleon Bonaparte, Julius Caesar and Alexander the Great would have had problems with YouTube – they had Ailurophobia, the fear of cats. Nikola Tesla was afraid of germs. Walt Disney, ironically, was afraid of mice. Alfred Hitchcock had a fear of eggs. While certain fears do not stop you from becoming powerful (please use your power responsibly), there are fears that must be overcome if we are to live our best lives. The fear of change and the fear of failure are two of the biggest hindrances to living your best life. The following five things will give you a little insight into how to conquer those fears and live a better life.

1. Focus on your story

In Donald Miller’s book, “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years,” he outlines how to live your best life by looking at your life as a story. A story you are the author of. He says:

“If the point of life is the same as the point of a story, the point of life is character transformation. If I got any comfort as I set out on my first story, it was that in nearly every story, the protagonist is transformed. He’s a jerk at the beginning and nice at the end, or a coward at the beginning and brave at the end. If the character doesn’t change, the story hasn’t happened yet. And if story is derived from real life, if the story is a condensed version of life then life itself may be designed to change us so that we evolve from one kind of person to another. ”

If we are afraid of change, how will we ever become better? How will our story ever be worth telling? Change is scary, but it’s only through change that we become our best and happiest self.

2. Whatever happens, happens

The best and worst thing about the past is it can never be changed. No matter what has happened in life, you can’t change it. But you can learn from it and use it to your advantage.

“You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don’t try to forget the mistakes, but you don’t dwell on it. You don’t let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space.” Johnny Cash

Don’t be afraid to fail. Most of the great people in the world climbed to the top on a stairway made of failure. Don’t look at failure as an end. Look at it as an opportunity to rise up and learn from your mistakes and don’t forget, great things take time.

3. Love yourself

In the Bible it says:

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18

It is not only important to love others but also to love yourself. If you do something wrong, cut yourself slack. Remember failure is in the past and can be used to become better. Don’t sell yourself short. You deserve to be loved. Loving yourself is of great importance if you are ever going to live a better life.

4. Sometimes all it takes is 20 seconds

“You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, just literally 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery, and I promise you something great will come of it.” Benjamin Mee, We Bought A Zoo

Most of the time, the thing you fear doing will only take 20 seconds. For example, you see a cute girl in the library you want to ask out. Instead of asking, which would only take a few seconds, you let the fear of failure creep in. You drag it out going through every scenario in your mind, worrying about every little thing that could go wrong. You spend all your time in anticipation of something that lasts mere seconds. You never know what the outcome will be so why worry about it? She’s not dating you right now, what do you have to lose? This goes for so many other things as well. So when your heart starts beating a million miles a minute, remember, all it takes is 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery.

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5. Avoiding your fear may bring you closer to it

In the book, “Kisses from Katie,” Katie recalls an interesting story she once heard about fear:

“Once there was a people who surveyed the resources of the world and said to each other: ‘How can we be sure that we will have enough in hard times? We want to survive whatever happens. Let us start collecting food, materials, and knowledge so that we are safe and secure when a crisis occurs.’ So they started hoarding, so much and so eagerly that the other people protested and said: ‘You have so much more than you need, while we don’t have enough to survive. Give us part of your wealth!” But the fearful hoarders said: “No, no, we need to keep this in case of an emergency, in case things go bad for us too, in case our lives are threatened.’ But the others said: ‘We are dying now, please give us food and materials and knowledge to survive. We can’t wait . . . we need it now!’ Then the fearful hoarders became even more fearful, since they became afraid that the poor and hungry would attack them. So they said to one another: ‘Let us build walls around our wealth so that no stranger can take it from us.’ They started erecting walls so high that they could not even see anymore whether their enemies were outside the walls or not! As their fear increased they told each other: ‘Our enemies have become so numerous that they may be able to tear down our walls. Our walls are not strong enough to keep them away. We need to put bombs at the top of the walls so that nobody will dare to even come close to us.’ But instead of feeling safe and secure behind their armed walls they found themselves trapped in the prison they had built with their own fear. They even became afraid of their own bombs, wondering if they might harm themselves more than their enemy. And gradually they realized their fear of death had brought them closer to it.” Unknown

Be careful in avoiding your fears that you don’t end up like the people in this story. I think it is important to note in this scenario, the people who were the fearful hoarders did not have love. They did not love the other people. As a result, they built themselves into a prison. Always remember love and fear cannot exist simultaneously.

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Featured photo credit: Bert Kaufmann via flickr.com

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Braden Thompson

Braden is an advocate for better living who finds fulfillment in helping others become better.

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Last Updated on May 21, 2019

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

For all our social media bravado, we live in a society where communication is seen less as an art, and more as a perfunctory exercise. We spend so much time with people, yet we struggle with how to meaningfully communicate.

If you believe you have mastered effective communication, scan the list below and see whether you can see yourself in any of the examples:

Example 1

You are uncomfortable with a person’s actions or comments, and rather than telling the individual immediately, you sidestep the issue and attempt to move on as though the offending behavior or comment never happened.

You move on with the relationship and develop a pattern of not addressing challenging situations. Before long, the person with whom you are in relationship will say or do something that pushes you over the top and predictably, you explode or withdraw completely from the relationship.

In this example, hard-to-speak truths become never- expressed truths that turn into resentment and anger.

Example 2

You communicate from the head and without emotion. While what you communicate makes perfect sense to you, it comes across as cold because it lacks emotion.

People do not understand what motivates you to say what you say, and without sharing your feelings and emotions, others experience you as rude, cold or aggressive.

You will know this is a problem if people shy away from you, ignore your contributions in meetings or tell you your words hurt. You can also know you struggle in this area if you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you have said.

Example 3

You have an issue with one person, but you communicate your problem to an entirely different person.

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The person in whom you confide lacks the authority to resolve the matter troubling you, and while you have vented and expressed frustration, the underlying challenge is unresolved.

Example 4

You grew up in a family with destructive communication habits and those habits play out in your current relationships.

Because you have never stopped to ask why you communicate the way you do and whether your communication style still works, you may lack understanding of how your words impact others and how to implement positive change.

If you find yourself in any of the situations described above, this article is for you.

Communication can build or decimate worlds and it is important we get it right. Regardless of your professional aspirations or personal goals, you can improve your communication skills if you:

  • Understand your own communication style
  • Tailor your style depending on the needs of the audience
  • Communicate with precision and care
  • Be mindful of your delivery, timing and messenger

1. Understand Your Communication Style

To communicate effectively, you must understand the communication legacy passed down from our parents, grandparents or caregivers. Each of us grew up with spoken and unspoken rules about communication.

In some families, direct communication is practiced and honored. In other families, family members are encouraged to shy away from difficult conversations. Some families appreciate open and frank dialogue and others do not. Other families practice silence about substantive matters, that is, they seldom or rarely broach difficult conversations at all.

Before you can appreciate the nuance required in communication, it helps to know the familial patterns you grew up with.

2. Learn Others Communication Styles

Communicating effectively requires you to take a step back, assess the intended recipient of your communication and think through how the individual prefers to be communicated with. Once you know this, you can tailor your message in a way that increases the likelihood of being heard. This also prevents you from assuming the way you communicate with one group is appropriate or right for all groups or people.

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If you are unsure how to determine the styles of the groups or persons with whom you are interacting, you can always ask them:

“How do you prefer to receive information?”

This approach requires listening, both to what the individuals say as well as what is unspoken. Virgin Group CEO Richard Branson noted that the best communicators are also great listeners.

To communicate effectively from relationship to relationship and situation to situation, you must understand the communication needs of others.

3. Exercise Precision and Care

A recent engagement underscored for me the importance of exercising care when communicating.

On a recent trip to Ohio, I decided to meet up with an old friend to go for a walk. As we strolled through the soccer park, my friend gently announced that he had something to talk about, he was upset with me. His introduction to the problem allowed me to mentally shift gears and prepare for the conversation.

Shortly after introducing the shift in conversation, my friend asked me why I didn’t invite him to the launch party for my business. He lives in Ohio and I live in the D.C. area.

I explained that the event snuck up on me, and I only started planning the invite list three weeks before the event. Due to the last-minute nature of the gathering, I opted to invite people in the DMV area versus my friends from outside the area – I didn’t want to be disrespectful by asking them to travel on such short notice.

I also noted that I didn’t want to be disappointed if he and others declined to come to the event. So I played it safe in terms of inviting people who were local.

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In the moment, I felt the conversation went very well. I also checked in with my friend a few days after our walk, affirmed my appreciation for his willingness to communicate his upset and our ability to work through it.

The way this conversation unfolded exemplified effective communication. My friend approached me with grace and vulnerability. He approached me with a level of curiosity that didn’t put me on my heels — I was able to really listen to what he was saying, apologize for how my decision impacted him and vow that going forward, I would always ask rather than making decisions for him and others.

Our relationship is intact, and I now have information that will help me become a better friend to him and others.

4. Be Mindful of Delivery, Timing and Messenger

Communicating effectively also requires thinking through the delivery of the message one intends to communicate as well as the appropriate time for the discussion.

In an Entrepreneur.com column, VIP Contributor Deep Patel, noted that persons interested in communicating well need to master the art of timing. Patel noted,[1]

“Great comedians, like all great communicators, are able to feel out their audience to determine when to move on to a new topic or when to reiterate an idea.”

Communicating effectively also requires thoughtfulness about the messenger. A person prone to dramatic, angry outbursts should never be called upon to deliver constructive feedback, especially to people whom they do not know. The immediate aftermath of a mass shooting is not the ideal time to talk about the importance of the Second Amendment rights.

Like everyone else, I must work to ensure my communication is layered with precision and care.

It requires precision because words must be carefully tailored to the person with whom you are speaking.

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It requires intentionality because before one communicates, one should think about the audience and what the audience needs in order to hear your message the way you intended it to be communicated.

It requires active listening which is about hearing verbal and nonverbal messages.

Even though we may be right in what we say, how we say it could derail the impact of the message and the other parties’ ability to hear the message.

Communicating with care is also about saying things that the people in our life need to hear and doing so with love.

The Bottom Line

When I left the meeting with my dear friend, I wondered if I was replicating or modeling this level of openness and transparency in the rest of my relationships.

I was intrigued and appreciative. He’d clearly thought about what he wanted to say to me, picked the appropriate time to share his feedback and then delivered it with care. He hit the ball out of the park and I’m hopeful we all do the same.

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Featured photo credit: Kenan Buhic via unsplash.com

Reference

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