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Stop Killing Yourself! 25 Ways You are Secretly Doing Yourself In

Stop Killing Yourself! 25 Ways You are Secretly Doing Yourself In

Life is so weird isn’t it?

We are taught from a very early age that if we think certain ways and do certain things, all will be well. We will find our perfect love and live happily ever after.

It doesn’t take long to realize that it is a load of BUNK, but we have no true information to take the place of the weird ideas that were supposed to make our lives wonderful.

Also, there are many ways we do ourselves in without knowing it and in order to knock it off, we have to dig down deep and root out the false ideas that have been sold to us. These false ideas make us decide to do the destructive things.

1. Spending time with the wrong people.

I learned very early on that in order to be successful in life, you had to hang out with successful people. People who view themselves as failures look for and find all kinds of excuses for their failure.

They then give you these excuses as though they are fact. If you start believing them, you fail too. Simple.

Hang out with successful people and do what they do. See what works for them and what doesn’t. Then do the things that have worked.

There is no secret to success other than finding out how to do it. And who knows how better than someone successful?

2. Running away from difficult situations.

When you run away from your problems, guess, what? They come with you!

Like the parking ticket that you decide to ignore, they grow and grow until they cannot be ignored any longer.

Take the time to look over your life and see if there are any problems that you are not confronting and handling. If so, have a look at what the actual problem is and do something about it. Even if you don’t handle it all at once, at least you will have started.

3. Allowing people to destroy you.

There are certain people in life who are out to destroy not only you, but everyone in their environment. They are a small percentage of people but the damage they do is horrible.

You will know these people because they constantly put you down, stomp on your dreams, pretend that they are helping you when they are actually crushing you. You will know them too by how well or poorly your life goes when they are near.

Ruthlessly weed them out of your life and watch things smooth right out. It is almost magical.

4. Not taking responsibility.

Responsibility has gotten a bad rap these days because too many people think it means blame.

They think that if they admit that they caused something and it went bad, they should be condemned. This is a wrong idea shoved on us by a society that wants everyone to be passive and not do anything.

People are not rewarded for causing things to happen. They are slammed for it. Even if what they caused was good. This makes people want to avoid responsibility which is really just acknowledging that you caused something to happen. Understand that this is a manipulation to keep you sitting down and quiet.

Go make things happen, and know that you have done it for better or for worse. Don’t be afraid.

If those around you are not ok with you being dynamic and a mover and shaker, you are in the wrong company. Go find other movers and shakers and go move mountains.

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5. Being someone else.

My radio co host, Sally Nutter talks about this a lot.

When you try to be someone else so that others will like you, it is damaging for two reasons:

First, you are as much as admitting that you are not ok and have to be someone else to be accepted. This is false. You are good. You do have a lot to offer the world even if it is only your opinion.

Secondly, if others do not like who you really are, you are in the wrong company. Simple!

Sometimes it takes a really long time to find people who are similar to you and have the same ideas about things. You can feel adrift in a choppy sea when you know you are the only one who thinks the way you do.

Go find your group. It is out there somewhere. I promise. It took me half a lifetime to find mine but it was worth every second I spent searching.

6. Holding onto past painful events.

Decisions made in times of pain and anguish, affect you from that point on. Do your best to look at things in the present and realize that there may be times when past pain clouds your judgement.

Understand this and really look at everything in present time.

7. Being afraid to fail.

The big tendency in the media today, is to dig up a past mistake on someone’s part and blast it all over the front pages, out of context. This ruins the person who has been  targeted. This is evil and people who do this have crimes of their own, much worse than anything they are blasting about their victim.

In the early days of silent film, film star, Fatty Arbuckle was framed for murder. He was tried in the media thanks to William Randolph Hearst who admitted that he targeted Mr. Arbuckle. Depite Fatty Arbuckle being completely exonerated in court and an apology issued by the judge for the destruction of his career, Mr. Arbuckle was completely ruined because “Nobody wanted to go see a film starring a murderer and rapist.” He died a broken man. His only crime was being famous.

This vile behavior continues today and certain stupid people pick up on it and imitate it. This makes even the everyday person fearful of doing anything.

The remedy for this is simple. Go out and make things happen. If someone tries to make you wrong for it, hold your position; if they make a stink, start looking into their background. Don’t be surprised by what you find.

If you keep your integrity, more people will respect you than hate you. If you hide, you will never get anything done and you will not respect yourself which is more important.

8. Waiting until you are ready.

Life is funny. Things can be here one minute and gone the next.

If you want to do something important, you have to do it now. If it is a long term project, start it. Put target dates on your action items and get started.

9. Putting yourself last.

This never works! Your life is divided into parts. All parts have to be in balance with each other or they fall apart. How can you be there and strong for others if you are ill or exhausted?

Get your sleep. Eat well. Take your vitamins. Keep your personal things in order. If you go by the boards, there will be no one to do all the things you do for everyone else. You have a DUTY to care for yourself.

10. Being envious.

I see this a lot. People who are envious seek to tear down those who have something they do not have and want.

When you destroy someone else, you destroy yourself. Call it Karma or whatever, but it is a truth in life.

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Go to that person and find out how they got what they wanted and then go do those things. There is NO reason that you cannot have everything you want in life. Go learn how to get it.

11. Complaining about things and being unwilling to do anything to fix it.

I love people who complain about something and put forth NO SOLUTION. Anyone can do that.

If something is not right you should complain, but never do it unless you have a solution.

It is the difference between being completely effected by things or the powerful cause of things. You can choose which one to be. I can tell you that powerful cause is much more fun than effect.

12. Picking on yourself.

“I am not thin enough.” “I am not smart enough”. “I am not a good person”.

If you are thinking those things about yourself, someone has been telling you them in the past or present. People who tell you these things or imply them are NOT your friends. Ditch them! Then give yourself a break.

A wise man once said “Don’t go into battle with your daggers pointing inward.” You don’t need to help stupid people cut you up. Put your daggers away for now and only take them out when you need them.

13. Believing that you are meat and bones.

You are not. It is that simple. You are a spiritual being in a steak and burger body, navigating your way through a house of cards.

If we were meat bodies, there would be no Sistine Chapel CeilingNo Bernini sculpturesNo Sonata Pathetique. There would be no art in life.

Cows don’t compose great musical masterpieces while sitting around belching up cud. We are not animals. We are much, much more.

14. Blame others.

Again with blame. We should banish that from our consciousness. It is a negative and damaging thing and it is a lie. We cause things. We cause things that go bad sometimes. It does not mean we are bad. We should just make things right again and go about our business.

If everyone did this and we stopped blowing up every minor transgression into a mortal sin, we would all be a lot happier and mentally healthier.

15. Believing what “experts” tell us.

I am sorry to have to tell you this but many “experts” are wrong.

The best example of this is the evidence coming out about how damaging the effect of psychotropic drugs are. These were the rage for awhile and guess what, they are extremely toxic. The lawsuits have been ramping up and it is obvious that the “experts” had another agenda. They were lining their pockets.

Back in the 50’s, there was a drug called Thalidomide. This was given to pregnant women to reduce morning sickness. It was also an anti-anxiety drug. Unfortunately, Thalidomide caused massive birth defects and half of the affected babies did not survive. Those that did had deformed or missing arms and legs.

Look for yourself before believing anything someone tells you, even an “expert”.

16. Thinking you are wrong because someone tells you you are.

Since I have become a popular blogger, you would not believe how many people have told me that I am wrong, stupid, evil and crazy.

But what of it?

I have sufficient power of observation that I can see when something is right or it is wrong and so do you. If we believe it is right, it is right until we see actual evidence that it isn’t.

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The more someone asserts your wrongness without real evidence. The more likely it is that you are right.

17. Having fixed ideas.

False ideas that you believe are true, blind you. After all, if you think you know everything about someone or something, why should you look?

Fixed ideas can be as simple as believing that all men like peanut brittle. These ideas made sense to us for whatever reason at one time and we adopted them. Now we need to relook at them because they may not be totally true.

If you don’t look at things in present time, you don’t know the truth about them. Things change. People change. If you don’t see them as they are, you are living a lie.

Take a fresh look. Take out all those dusty old ideas from the corners of your mind and see if they are still true. If not, put them in the trash.

18. Thinking you don’t have anything to learn.

One of the great things about us as a race of beings, is that we are constantly changing. Every day there are new things to learn.

Those who think they already know everything are missing out. And falling behind.

Be curious. Learn as much as you can every day. You never know when information will come in handy.

19. Denying yourself pleasure.

Did you know that back in the Renaissance period, there was a priest named Savonarola who went around telling everyone that any kind of pleasure was a sin?

He set up giant bonfires in the town square of Florence and burned all of the nice things including priceless paintings, furniture, jewels, anything that gave pleasure to those who owned them. This was called “The Bonfire of the Vanities”. It was evil and it was based on a lie.

Life is a balance. We work hard and in exchange, we owe ourselves pleasure. Most of the things we enjoy are very pro survival. A beautiful dress, a perfectly cooked meal, and beautiful Music are joys benefit you and those around you. Seek out pleasure and create things for you and others to enjoy.

A life that has way more pain and effort in it than happiness, is an unhappy life. If you have a lot of pain in your life, you must over balance it with pleasure in order to be happy.

20. Thinking that anyone else is responsible for your happiness.

I once had a co-worker who constantly trash talked her husband because he didn’t make her happy. I knew him. He was a fine man and worked relentlessly to try and give her what she wanted. She finally left him and went off with some deadbeat. He married another woman who appreciated him and is happy.

Your life is a cake and your partner is the frosting. If the cake is bad. The frosting will not make it good. If the cake is weak, the frosting will not make it strong.

You have the ability to make your life exactly what you want it to be. Make your cake first and then find the right frosting.

21. Trying to make things perfect.

While the search for perfection is necessary for anyone who wants to succeed, one must realize that life is not sitting still. It moves and changes.

Understand this. Never lose the desire to make things perfect. That is a trait of successful people. Do understand that sometimes, there will be coats hung over chairs and that the dog will poo on the rug occasionally. Clean it up and don’t worry about it.

22. Trying to make those around you be perfect.

Everyone has their own idea about who they should be. Many times it doesn’t match what others think they should be.

So what? No one can decide who they should be but that person. They might be perfect in their own estimation.

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Kids especially, tend to be molded too much by their parents. Parents do have the job of making sure the child survives but they do not have the right to insist that their child be someone he is not. It is a fine line.

Talk to your child a lot. Good communication creates a lot of wonderful things.

23. Not Letting others make their mistakes.

I know this is difficult. Those of us who have made epic mistakes are the worst offenders. (Myself included!)

It is hard to watch someone you love suffer something that could have been avoided but honestly, people learn in their own ways and some of us have to really screw up to figure it all out.

24. Thinking that no one cares about you.

Most people do not communicate. It is a sad truth.

You may think that nobody gives a rip about you but that is not true. they care, they just aren’t saying.

You could be the most important person in someone’s life. You could be their entire world. And they may never let you know.

People have been punished too much for communicating so they decide on some level, to stop doing it. Make it safe for them to say whatever is on their minds. Send lots of communication to them and they will open up. It make take time.

But always know that someone loves you. They just do.

25. Thinking that because something awful happened to you, life will always suck.

I thought this for a long time. My life was sucky. If you are going through a bad time, just know that sooner or later you will feel better.

Here is a cure for a sucky life: overwhelm the pain with pleasure.

Do things that you think will give you pleasure even if you don’t feel like it. Keep doing it. Spoil yourself rotten! And keep it up.

If what happened to you was really bad, it will take a LOT of pleasure to counteract the pain. But sooner or later a balance will be achieved and you will find happiness once again.

I have a thing called a “Pleasure bomb.” These are happy  moments in the future that I plant in the present.

For example, send yourself flowers then forget that you sent them, order a box of candy to be delivered months in advance, set up a dinner with someone you love to be with.

There are so many ways to plant “Pleasure bombs” that you will be happier just trying to think up new ones.

Once you have relooked at these old ideas, check out what happens in your life and then write me. I would love to hear about it!

Featured photo credit: Andy Spearing via flickr.com

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Last Updated on April 19, 2021

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

We all lose our temper from time to time, and expressing anger is actually a healthy thing to do in our relationships with others. Expressing our differences in opinion allows us to have healthy conflict and many times come to an agreement or understanding that works for everyone. However, there are times when anger can become overwhelming or damaging, and during these times, it’s important to learn how to deal with anger.

Expressing anger inappropriately can be harmful to relationships, both personal and professional. You may express too much anger, too often, or at times that are only going to make things worse, not better. In this article we will look at anger management techniques that will help you better control your emotions.

Let’s take a deeper look at how to deal with anger.

Expressing Anger

Anger is a natural and normal part of almost any relationship. This includes relationships with your significant other, kids, boss, friends, family, etc. Anger provides us with valuable information if we are willing to listen to it. It clues us in to areas where we disagree with others and things that need to be changed or altered.

Unhealthy Ways to Express Anger

Here are some common yet unhealthy ways to express anger that you should avoid:

Being Passive-Aggressive

This is a term many of us are familiar with. Passive-aggressive behavior happens when someone is angry but uses indirect communication to express their anger.

Some of the more common passive-aggressive behaviors include the silent treatment, making comments about someone behind their back, being grumpy, moody, or pouting, or simply not doing tasks or assignments that they should.

This is a passive-aggressive person’s way of showing their anger. It’s not very productive but extremely common.

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Poorly-Timed

Some people get overwhelmed and express anger in a situation where it can’t really do any good.

An example would be getting angry at one person in front of a crowd of people. All that does is make people uncomfortable and shuts them down. It’s not a healthy way to express anger or disagreement with someone.

Ongoing Anger

Being angry all the time is most often a symptom of something else. It’s healthy and normal to express anger when you disagree with someone. However, if someone is angry most of the time and always seems to be expressing their anger to everyone around them, this won’t serve them well.

Over time, people will start to avoid this person and have as little contact as possible. The reason being is no one likes being around someone who is angry all the time; it’s a no-win situation.

Healthy Ways to Express Anger

What about the healthy ways[1] to adapt? When learning how to deal with anger, here are some healthy ways to get you started.

Being Honest

Express your anger or disagreement honestly. Be truthful about what it is that is making you angry. Sometimes this will entail walking away and thinking about it for a bit before you respond.

Don’t say you’re mad at something someone did or said when it’s really something else that upset you.

Being Direct

Similar to being honest, being direct is a healthy way to express anger.

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Don’t talk around something that is making you angry. Don’t say that one thing is making you angry when it’s really something else, and don’t stack items on top of each other so you can unload on someone about 10 different things 6 months from now.

Be direct and upfront about what is making you angry. Ensure you are expressing your anger to the person who upset you or you are angry at, not to someone else. This is very counterproductive.

Being Timely

When something makes you angry, it’s much better to express it in a timely manner. Don’t keep it bottled up inside of you, as that’s only going to do more harm than good.

Think of the marriages that seem to go up in flames out of nowhere when the reality is someone kept quiet for years until they hit their breaking point.

Expressing anger as it occurs is a much healthier way of using anger to help us guide our relationships in the moment.

How to Deal With Anger

If you feel angry, how should you deal with it right at that moment?

1. Slow Down

From time to time, I receive an email at work that makes me so angry that steam is probably pouring out of my ears.

In my less restrained moments, I have been known to fire off a quick response, and that typically has ended about as well as you might imagine.

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When I actually walk away from my computer and go do something else for a while, I am able to calm down and think more rationally. After that happens, I am able to respond in a more appropriate and productive manner. Doing things that helps you learn how to release anger can make an uncomfortable situation more manageable before it gets out of hand.

2. Focus on the “I”

Remember that you are the one that’s upset. Don’t accuse people of making you upset because, in the end, it’s your response to what someone did that really triggered your anger. You don’t want to place blame by saying something like “Why don’t you ever put away your dishes?” Say something more like “Having dirty dishes laying on the counter upsets me—can you work with me to come to a solution?”

When you are accusatory towards someone, all that does is increase the tension. This doesn’t usually do anything except make your anger rise higher.

3. Work out

When learning how to deal with anger, exercise is a great outlet. If something happens that angers you, see if you have the opportunity to burn off some of the anger.

Being able to hit the gym to get a hard workout in is great. If this isn’t an option, see if you can go for a run or a bike ride. If you are at work when you become angry and the weather permits, at least go outside for a brisk walk.

Besides working some of your anger out through exercise, this also helps to give your mind a chance to work through some ways to address what it is that upset you.

If you’re not sure where to start with an exercise routine, check out Lifehack’s free Simple Cardio Home Workout Plan.

4. Seek Help When Needed

There are times when we could all use some help. Life can be stressful and overwhelming. It’s perfectly fine to seek some help from a mental health professional if it will help you get back to a healthy balance.If you find that you are angry all the time, it might be a good idea to go talk to an expert about learning to control intense emotions. They can give you some sound advice and ideas on how to get your anger to a more manageable and healthy level.

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5. Practice Relaxation

We all seem to lead incredibly busy lives, and that’s a good thing if we are loving the life we are living. That being said, it is very beneficial to our physical and mental well-being to take time out for relaxation.

That can mean spending time doing things that help us calm down and relax, like being around people we enjoy, practicing deep breathing or listening to music. It could be making time for things that help bring us balance like a healthy diet and physical activity.

Many people incorporate techniques such as yoga and meditation to calm their minds and release tension when learning how to deal with anger. Whatever your choice is, ensure you take time out to relax when warning signs of anger start to bubble up.

6. Laugh

Incorporating humor and laughter on a regular basis will help keep anger in check and help you get over a bad mood and feelings of anger more quickly. This isn’t part of formal anger management techniques, but you’ll be surprised by how well it works. Remember, life is a journey that’s meant to be enjoyed fully along the way through healthy emotion. Make sure you take time to laugh and have fun.Surround yourself with people that like to laugh and enjoy life. Don’t work at a job that just causes you stress, which can lead to anger. Work at something you enjoy doing.

7. Be Grateful

It’s easy to focus on the bad in life and the things that cause us negative emotions. It’s vitally important to remind ourselves of all the wonderful things in life that bring us positive emotions, things that we easily forget because we get caught up in the whirlwind of day to day life.

Take time out each day to remind yourself of a few things you are grateful for in order to help you learn how to release anger and invite in more positive feelings.

Final Thoughts

Life can be overwhelming at times. We seem to have constant pressure to achieve more and to always be on the go or motivated. People we are around and situations we are in can cause stress, anger, and negative emotions. At times, it can seem to be too much, and we get angry and our emotions start to get out of control.

During these times, keep in mind that life is an incredible journey, full of wonder and things that bring you joy. When you find yourself angry more often than is healthy, take time out to remember the good things in life—the things that we seem to forget yet bring us so much positive energy and emotions.

Use some of the tips included here to help with how to deal with anger and better control your emotions.

More Resources on Anger Management

Featured photo credit: Andre Hunter via unsplash.com

Reference

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