Advertising
Advertising

How to Get What You Want by Raising Your Standards

How to Get What You Want by Raising Your Standards

Your life is a direct reflection of the standards you hold—both for yourself and for others.

This is a nearly universal truth that applies to every aspect of your life. From your profession, to your appearance, your relationships and your finances, they’re all governed by the standards you hold them to. Most of the time these standards are set unconsciously, either adapted from the environment or indoctrinated into you by your family, and your standards are usually set far lower than what you’re able to achieve.

standards

    In the words of Tony Robbins, “If you don’t set baseline standards for what you’ll accept in your life, you’ll find it easy to slip into behaviors and attitudes and a quality of life that’s far below what you deserve.” It’s not difficult to see that this is the norm, not the exception.

    Advertising

    Will you make the decision to stay in the norm, or will you decide to hold your life to higher standards and become an exception?

    Identifying Your Standards

    Finding out what your standards are for different areas of your life is a simple as taking the time to just observe that part of your life.

    The best example is personal appearance. However you look at this moment reflects your current standards for your appearance. It doesn’t matter what you look like, and there are no judgement involved here. Once you start judging you get defensive and you begin viewing reality through a protective film. There is no right or wrong at this moment: it just is.

    A sumo wrestler has strict standards for his appearance; he needs to be a certain size, and anything under that size is unacceptable. He doesn’t let his weight drop because it’s an ingrained part of his identity. It would be great to be bigger—in fact he has goals set to gain weight—but there’s a breaking point where anything smaller becomes intolerable. The same is true for rock climber, except a rock climber expects himself to weigh beneath a certain number so he can climb with ease. Lighter is better, but there’s a baseline he won’t deviate from.

    Advertising

    If you’ve ever gained or lost too much weight, and immediately started taking action to reverse the process, you are experiencing the fundamental effect of your standards on your appearance. You will not let yourself deviate so much from your standards because it feels wrong and unacceptable.

    Another good example is finances. How often are you late paying your bills? Is it OK to miss a payment here or there? Again, look at it without judgement at first to prevent yourself from getting defensive, and gather objective data about your income, spending habits, and financial responsibility.

    How about your relationships? Think about how much time you spend with those you love, how others treat you and how you treat others. Is there a trend that makes you feel uneasy, defensive or the need to justify and explain?

    Raising Unacceptable Standards

    Chances are you’ve identified one or two standards that are abysmal to say the least. You may look at your finances and say “I should really save more”, but you never do because you see yourself as a person who has never been able to save.

    Advertising

    If you decided instead, with 100% conviction, that you were the best money-saver in the world, you would achieve your savings goal and your standards would raise. Now you identify yourself as an awesome saving machine instead of a person with the inability to save. Because you made that fundamental identity shift, you took action to stay true to who you are (i.e. a money saving machine) and you ended up with a ton of money in your bank account.

    Unfortunately, there isn’t a quick and easy way to change your standards: this is an internal shift and it can’t be faked. You may try to fake it for a while, but you won’t create lasting change, and eventually you’ll revert back to what your core beliefs really are.

    It’s not easy, but we can facilitate this internal shift and it starts with changing what we perceive to be our identity. Let’s go with the savings example above.

    First, identify the limiting belief about your identity that is preventing you from achieving your goals, and rewrite it so it reflects what you want it to be.

    Advertising

    1. Current belief: I not the kind of person that can save.
    2. Alternative belief: I’m a money-saving machine.

    Then, find all of the examples that support this belief. Both in your actions and in your emotional response to the actions of others and/or facts.

    • You have $5 in savings. You’re a money saving machine.
    • You skipped Starbucks yesterday and put that money in savings. You’re a money saving machine. 
    • You talked to a friend who’s been able to save up $20,000 and feels so free. You want that feeling so badly. That’s why you became a money saving machine. 
    • The more money you have in savings, the more you can earn in interest without doing anything. That’s another reason you’ve become the most awesome money saving machine ever.

    Make it clear what will happen to you if you don’t change this belief—make the consequences as visceral as you can.

    • I’m going to end up in a nursing home by myself.
    • I won’t be able to take care of my children in the event of an emergency.
    • I’m going to lose my house.

    Lastly, begin to act like a money saving machine in every way.

    • Talk to an adviser or do research to create a plan tailored to your individual needs. Stick to the plan like white on rice.
    • If someone asks you if you save, say that you do and you’re damn good at it.
    • Stop thinking that you ‘should’ save money and think instead that you ‘must’ and ‘do’ save money.
    • Pretend you already have $20,000 in the bank and identify all the things you’re going to do with the money you have saved up.
    • Hang a modified bank statement on your refrigerator, mirror, rear view mirror in your car.

    Pretty soon, you’ll really start to feel like a money-saving machine, and not long after that you’ll actually be a money-saving machine.

    Again, the only way to raise your standards is to have an internal breakthrough where you feel compelled to change, no matter what. This feeling of total conviction coupled with a strong emotional desire behind your reasons for raising your standards will to make it impossible for you not to do so. You’ll know when that really happens because when it does, you can’t go back without losing a part of yourself in the process.

    More by this author

    3 Ways to Permanently Increase Your Self-Esteem 3 Home Workouts for Women That Will Have You Turning Heads by Summertime Common Relationship Mistakes: 4 Simple Ways to Destroy A Relationship How to Get What You Want by Raising Your Standards 5 Reasons Your New Years Resolution is Destined to Fail

    Trending in Communication

    1 30 Refreshing Routines to Boost Your Morning Motivation 2 Feeling Like a Failure? 10 Simple Things to Help You Rise Again 3 What Motivates You to Succeed in Life and Keep Moving Forward? 4 6 Effective Negotiation Skills to Master 5 5 Ways to Turn Around a Bad Day at Work

    Read Next

    Advertising
    Advertising
    Advertising

    Published on September 23, 2020

    6 Effective Negotiation Skills to Master

    6 Effective Negotiation Skills to Master

    I don’t know about you, but many times when I hear the word negotiate I think of lawyers working out a business deal or having to do battle with a car salesman to try to get a lower price. Since I am in recruiting, the term “negotiation” comes up when someone is attempting to get a higher compensation package.

    If we think about it, we tend to negotiate almost every day in a wide variety of things we do. Getting a handle on the important negotiation skills can be incredibly beneficial in many parts of our lives. Let’s take a look at 6 effective negotiation skills to master.

    What is Negotiation?

    First, let’s take a look at what negotiation is. Put simply, negotiation is a method by which people settle their differences. It is a process in which compromise or agreement can be reached without argument or dispute.

    Anytime two people or sides disagree on something, they are almost always looking for the best possible outcome for their side. This could be from an individual’s perspective or someone representing an organization.

    In reality, it’s rare that one side gets everything they want and the other side gets nothing that they are seeking. Seeking to reach a common ground of sorts where both sides feel like they are getting most of what they want is the key to being successful and maintaining the relationship.

    Places We Negotiate

    I’ve mentioned that we negotiate in just about all phases of our life. For those of you who are shaking your head no, I invite you to think about the following:

    1. Work/Business

    This one is the most obvious and it’s what naturally comes to mind when we think of the word “negotiate”.

    When you first started at your current job, you might have asked for a higher salary. It could be that you delivered a huge new client to your company and used this as leverage in your most recent evaluation for more compensation. If you work with vendors (and just about every company does), maybe you worked them to a lower price or better contract terms.

    Advertising

    In recruiting, I negotiate with candidates and hiring managers all the time to land the best talent I can find. It’s very common to accept additional work with the (sometimes spoken, sometimes unspoken) agreement that it will benefit your career in the future.

    Recently, I took over a project that was my boss was working on so that I would be able to attend a conference later in the year. And so it goes, we do this all day long at work.

    2. Personal

    I don’t know about you, but I negotiate with my spouse all the time. I’ll cook dinner with the understanding that she does the dishes. Who wants to mow the lawn and who wants to vacuum and dust the house?

    I think we should save 10% for retirement, but she thinks 5% is plenty. Therefore, we save 8%. And don’t even get me started with my kids. My older daughter can borrow my car as soon as she finishes her chores. My younger daughter can go hang out with her friends when her homework is done.

    Then, there are all those interactions in our personal lives outside our homes. The carpenter wants to charge me $12,000 to build a new deck. I think $10,000 is plenty so we agree on $11,000. I ask my neighbor if I can borrow his snowblower in the winter if I invite him over the next time I grill steak. And so on.

    3. Ourselves

    You didn’t expect this one, did you? We negotiate with ourselves all day long.

    I’ll make sure I don’t skip my workout tomorrow since I’m going to have that extra piece of pizza. My spouse has been quiet the last few days, is it worth me asking her about, or should I leave it alone? I think the car place charged me for some repairs that weren’t needed, should I say something or just let it go? I know my friend has been having some personal challenges, should I check in with him? We’ve been friends for a long time, I’m sure he’d come to me if he needed help. I’ve got the #4 pick in this year’s Fantasy Football draft, should I choose a running back or a wide receiver?

    Think about that non-stop voice inside your head. It always seems to be chattering away about something and many times, it’s us negotiating with ourselves. I’ll finish up that report that the boss needs before I turn on the football game.

    Advertising

    Why Negotiation Skills Are So Important

    Put simply, negotiation skills are important because we all interact with other people, and not only other people but other organizations and groups of people as well.

    We all rarely want the same thing or outcome. Most of the time a vendor is looking at getting you to pay a higher price for something than you want to spend. Therefore, it’s important to negotiate to some middle ground that works well for both sides.

    My wife and I disagree on how much to save for retirement. If we weren’t married it wouldn’t be an issue. We’d each contribute how much we wanted to on our retirement funds. We choose to be married, so we have to come to some agreement that we both feel comfortable with. We have to compromise. Therefore, we have to negotiate.

    If we each lived on a planet by ourselves, we would be free to do just about anything we wanted to. We wouldn’t have to compromise with anyone because we wouldn’t interact with anyone. We would make every choice unilaterally the way we wanted to.

    As we all know, this isn’t how things are. We are constantly interacting with other people and organizations, each one with their own agenda’s, viewpoints, and opinions. Therefore, we have to be able to work together.

    6 Negotiation Skills to Master

    Having strong negotiation skills helps us create win-win situations with others, allowing us to get most of what we want in conjunction with others around us.

    Now, let’s look at 6 effective negotiation skills to master.

    1. Preparation

    Preparation is a key place to start with when getting ready to negotiate. Being prepared means having a clear vision of what you want and how you’d go about achieving it. It means knowing what the end goal looks like and also what you are willing to give to get it.

    Advertising

    It also means knowing who you are negotiating with and what areas they might be willing to compromise on. You should also know what your “bottom line” is. By “bottom line” I mean what is the most you are willing to give up to get what you want.

    For instance, several years ago, I decided it was time to get a newer car. I say newer because I wanted a “new to me” car, not a brand new car. I did my research and figured out what type of car I wanted. I decided on what must-have items on the car I wanted, the highest amount of miles that would already be on it, the colors I was willing to get it in, and the highest amount of money I was willing to pay.

    After visiting numerous car dealerships I was able to negotiate buying a car. I knew what I was willing to give up (amount of money) and what I was willing to accept, things like the color, amount of miles, etc. I came prepared. This is critical.

    2. Clear Communication

    The next key skill you need to be an effective negotiator is clear communication. You have to be able to clearly articulate what you want to the other party. This means both clear verbal and written communication.

    If you can’t clearly tell the other person what you want, how do you expect to get it? Have you ever worked through something with a vendor or someone else only to learn of a surprise right at the end that wasn’t talked about before? This is not what you would call clear communication. It’s essential to be able to share a coherent and logical vision with the person you are working with.

    3. Active Listening

    Let’s do a quick review of active listening. This is when you are completely focused on the speaker, understand their message, comprehend the information, and respond appropriately. This is a necessary ingredient to be able to negotiate successfully. You must be able to fully focus on the other person’s wants to completely understand them.

    If you aren’t giving them your full attention, you may miss some major points or details. This leads to frustration down the road on both sides. Ensure you are employing your active listening skills when in arbitration mode.

    4. Teamwork and Collaboration

    To be able to get to a place of common ground and a win-win scenario, you have to have a sense of teamwork and collaboration.

    Advertising

    If you are only thinking about yourself and what you want without giving much care to what the other person is wanting, you are bound to wind up without a solution. The other person may get frustrated and give up if they see you are unwilling to meet them halfway or care little for what they want.

    When you collaborate, you are working together to help each other get what is most important to you. The other upside to negotiating with a sense of teamwork and collaboration is that it helps create a sense of trust, which, in turn, helps provide positive energy for working to a successful conclusion.

    5. Problem Solving

    Problem-solving is another key negotiation skill. When you are working with the other person to get the deal done many times you’ll face new challenges along the way.

    Maybe you want a new vendor to provide training on the software they are selling you but they say it’s going to cost an additional $20,000 to provide this service. If you don’t have the additional $20,000 in the budget to spend on the software but you feel the training is critical, how are you going to solve that problem?

    From what I’ve seen, most vendors aren’t willing to provide additional services without getting paid for them. This is where problem-solving skills will help continue the discussions. You might suggest to the vendor that your company will also be looking to replace their financial software next year, and you’d be happy to ensure they get one of the first seats at the table when the time comes if they could perhaps lower the pricing on their training.

    There’s a solution to most challenges, but it takes problem-solving skills to work through them effectively.

    6. Decision-Making Ability

    Finally, having strong decision-making ability will help you seal the deal when you get to a place where everyone feels like they are getting what works for them. Each step of the way you can cross off the list when you get what you are looking for and decide to move onto the next item. Then, once you have all of your must-have boxes checked and the other side feels good about things, it’s time to shake hands and sign on the dotted line. Powerful decision-making ability will help you get to the finish line together.

    Conclusion

    There you have it, 6 effective negotiation skills to master to lead a more fulfilling life. Once we realize that we negotiate in one form or another almost every day in every phase of our lives, we realize how critical a skill it is.

    Possessing strong negotiation skills will help you in nearly every one of your relationships at both the workplace and in your personal life. If you feel your arbitration tools could use some sharpening, try some of the 6 effective negotiation skills to master that we’ve talked about.

    More Tips to Improve Your Negotiation Skills

    Featured photo credit: Windows via unsplash.com

    Read Next