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7 False Beliefs That Are Holding You Back in Life

7 False Beliefs That Are Holding You Back in Life

Are you carrying self-limiting beliefs that are preventing you from living a great life?

Consider these seemingly benign statements that we say to ourselves on a daily basis:

  • “I can’t tell the truth because I may get judged…”
  • “I don’t want to get close to this person lest my heart gets broken…”
  • “I don’t want to ask for what I want because, what if I get rejected?”
  • “I can’t trust people because I’ve been betrayed before…”
  • “I can’t pursue my dreams because I don’t know what I’d do if I fail…”
  • “I can’t do X because of Y…”

Can you spot the self-limiting thoughts behind these statements? Here are seven false beliefs that hold many from living a great life.

False Belief #1: “I can’t be my real self or I’ll be judged.”

I often watch videos of Oprah, Ellen DeGeneres, and other successful people on YouTube because I get to learn more about them and absorb their wisdom. I’ve noticed that no matter who the person is or how inspiring he/she may be, there’ll always be detractors trying to tear him/her down.

For example, with Oprah’s videos, I usually see detractors calling her “a fat hag,” “an overweight, money-grubbing whore,” and “a black racist.” Detractors of Ellen usually describe her as a “homo,” a “disgusting gay,” and an “evil lesbian who violates Jesus’ teachings, destroys the sanctity of marriage, and is going to hell.”

Seeing such comments helps me to realize that people are always going to judge, no matter how great of a person you are. You can never please everyone because everyone is different with his/her own set of opinions. Since everyone is different, why bother trying to please people? You are better off being yourself and owning your real self!

Embrace these beliefs instead:

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  • “It is not my job to please people in life.”
  • “Be myself; there’ll never be anyone else like me.”

Further reading:

False Belief #2: “I can’t fall in love or I’ll get my heartbroken.”

I used to carry this belief subconsciously. While I had been open to dating and being in a relationship since young, subconsciously I was afraid to love because I didn’t want to be rejected and have my heart broken. So, even though I would verbally say that I wanted to be in a relationship, I never truly opened my heart to others.

It was only in my late 20s when I let go of that belief, and subsequently found my soulmate. Now, if I had continued to close myself off, my now-husband and I would have never had gotten together; I would also not have found the love of my life. This would have been my greatest regret — except that I wouldn’t get to regret it because I wouldn’t even know what I had missed out!

To find true love, you need to put yourself out there and allow yourself to be vulnerable. While you may get hurt in the process, it’s part and parcel of any love journey. Know that it’s not possible to form a true connection without first allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

Embrace these beliefs instead:

  • “I love freely because it is part of being human.”
  • “It is by opening my heart that I will attract the right kind of love into my life.”
  • “Heartbreaks help me to learn more about myself and love; they move me closer towards attracting the right person into my life.”

False Belief #3: “I can’t ask for what I want lest I get rejected.”

In life, people face rejection all the time. Rather than avoid rejection, learn how to handle it. Know that rejection is merely a process that lets you know that you’re poking in the wrong direction, so that you can adjust your strategy and redirect yourself in the right direction. By shying away from asking because you don’t want to face rejection, you’ll only rob yourself of opportunities to get what you want. The universe wants to give you what you want — create the opportunity for it to do so.

Embrace these beliefs instead:

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  • “Rejection is part and parcel of life. Every ‘no’ will lead me closer to a ‘yes.’”
  • “I need to first ask in order to receive.”

False Belief #4: “I can’t trust people lest they betray my trust.”

When I was in primary school, I found out that my then-best friend spoke ill about me the whole time we were “best friends,” even though she would always be saccharine sweet before me. As a twelve-year-old adolescent who was already self-inferior, this incident left me feeling worse about myself.

Even though this was a negative experience that made me more guarded, I realized – after embarking on my personal growth journey – that being guarded doesn’t help me to forge meaningful connections. While it may prevent me from getting hurt, it limits me from forming deep friendships with anyone.

Trust freely, while being smart about how you handle toxic people who betray your trust. Cut off the bad eggs in your life while opening yourself fully to receive new people into your life.

Embrace these beliefs instead:

  • “Everyone is deserving of my trust unless otherwise disproved.”
  • “Without trust, I can’t form a meaningful relationship with anyone.”

Further reading: The Secret To Meaningful, Fulfilling Social Relationships

False Belief #5: “I can’t pursue my dreams because I may fail.”

Before I came to pursue my dreams, there was a brief moment when I worried about failing. What if I fail? I thought. What would happen to my life? Would I be deemed a failure, a loser, a good-for-nothing?

However, it didn’t take long before I realized that my fear was redundant. Firstly, by doing proper strategizing, planning, and taking due action, there was no reason why I would fail. Secondly, even if I were to “fail” (as defined by not generating revenue before my savings run out), I could always return to the corporate world, generate more savings, and then return to pursue my dreams after a year or two. I could simply just do this over and over again, until I succeed.

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Failure is over-glorified in today’s world. People fail all the time; there’s no need to make a big hoo-haa out of it. What’s more important is the actions you take when things don’t go your way. How can you learn from your failures? How can you turn your failures into success? These are the questions to ask yourself to create the future of your dreams.

Embrace these beliefs instead:

  • “My dreams are mine for the taking.”
  • “Whatever I can conceive, I can achieve. It’s up to me to take the steps to make things happen.”

Further reading: How to Achieve Any Goal with Success (seven-part series)

False Belief #6: “I don’t need to be successful, so I’m not going to strive for success.”

Uh-oh, the self-intellect’s trap. I carry a variation of this belief sometimes, such as “I don’t need a lot of money to live a great life, so I’m not going to strive for riches,” and have to catch and correct myself when that happens.

The danger with this belief is that it creates this intellectual, rational, even convincing self-justification on why you shouldn’t be successful (or even, why you aren’t successful right now), when actually, it’s in your destiny to be successful, wealth, abundant, or whatever you want to be. And believe it or not, the only person who can break this trap is you yourself, because the ego can find unlimited ways to justify its state of being.

You don’t need a reason to achieve success because you’re meant for success. But supposed you do need one — what would you do if you are hugely successful, have a billion dollars in your bank, and are well-known throughout the world? How can you put this success, money, and fame to the highest use of all? Perhaps this answer will be the answer you need to strive for your highest potential.

Embrace these beliefs instead:

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  • “I succeed simply because I can be.”
  • “By being successful, I have more resources to achieve my highest goals and dreams and to support the highest good of mankind.”

False Belief #7: “It’s too late to pursue my dreams.”

Everyone knows Colonel Sanders, the founder and ambassador of Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC). However, did you know that before Sanders became a world-famous Colonel, he was a “sixth-grade dropout, a farmhand, an army mule-tender, a locomotive fireman, a railroad worker, an aspiring lawyer, an insurance salesman, a ferryboat entrepreneur, a tire salesman, an amateur obstetrician, an (unsuccessful) political candidate, a gas station operator, a motel operator and finally, a restaurateur”?

It was between the ages of 48 and 49 that Sanders finalized his now-famous “Original Recipe” for KFC with 11 herbs and spices. At the age of 65 in 1955, Sanders traveled the U.S., visiting from restaurant to restaurant, knocking from door to door, and cooking batches of chicken for the restaurant owners to convince them to franchise his chicken. In 1964 at the age of 74, Sanders sold the company to investors for US$2 million (about US$15 million today), a lifetime salary, and the agreement that he’d be the company’s quality controller and trademark.

I don’t care much about the KFC restaurant since I don’t eat meat, but Sanders’ story is both inspiring and chocked full of lessons.

If you often say that it is too late to pursue your dreams, recognize that your age isn’t the real limiting factor here — your belief that it is a limiting factor, is the limiting factor. Forget the standard societal track of success where one needs to be at a certain place in life at a certain age to be considered successful. Your life path is bigger than such predefined tracks. Create your own life path and make it happen.

Embrace these beliefs instead:

  • “It’s never too late to pursue anything. What’s more important is that I take action now.”
  • “Age is just a number. My current age is just a reflection of the number of years I’ve been alive, but not a reflection of my unlimited power as a being.”

Further reading: How To Overcome Fear Of Loss And Pursue Your Dreams

How About You?

Do you carry any of these false beliefs? How are you going to turn them around? Share with me in the comments section.

Original Article: 7 Limiting Beliefs Keeping You from Living Your Best Life | Personal Excellence

Featured photo credit: StandUPP via flickr.com

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Celestine Chua

Life Coach, Blogger

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Last Updated on October 16, 2018

How to Overcome Your Irrational Fears (That Stop You from Succeeding)

How to Overcome Your Irrational Fears (That Stop You from Succeeding)

She could hear her beautiful baby crying but was frozen in the doorway unable to move. The crying got worse and she knew that unless she comforted the infant soon the baby would be inconsolable, and yet her feet wouldn’t move. She didn’t look at the cot but the floor in front, where the venomous hairy monster sat before her…. .okay it was a UK spider so not likely to kill her at all, and yet still her body was frozen as the tears fell down her face. “What a useless mother you are” she berated herself.

That awful mother was me 14 years ago. My fear of spiders had not been controlled for years and I was at the stage where I wouldn’t open a newspaper until my husband had read it and removed the images of spiders. I hated houses that had wooden floors or skirting boards because every knot in the wood could be a spider about to crawl across me.

At the height of my fear, I tried to get out of a moving car. Clearly this harmless 8-legged creature had massive levels of power over me but now that fear is gone, I’m never going to love spiders but I’m not going to leave the room because of one and I can read the word without freaking out and sobbing.

If you think that fear is irrational, what about the fear of going to airports? Or the fear of not asking for help?

Today I want to look at how our irrational fears impact on us, how they can destroy (and I don’t use that word lightly) our success. They can damage our health and even stop us from living our lives. And then I’ll share the benefits of fighting that fear and most importantly how you can fight your fears too.

How irrational fears impact your life

The thing about irrational fears is that we are not keen to look at them. It makes us feel inadequate, weak and daft because we can’t do things that it seems everyone else can. That gives the fear power.

Fear loves negative emotions and saps up yours making your fear bigger and uglier and even more powerful. Not ideal to say the least. Fears can cause us to:

  • Avoid situations where that fear may have to be faced. Dodging parties, new jobs, new experiences where we aren’t sure we will be able to protect ourselves.
  • Stop us from sleeping for fear the thing we fear will “get us in the night.” For me this was massive, and I stopped sleeping which had massive implications when my job was to look after a toddler and a baby. I felt half dead most of the time!
  • Feel ill with the stress. Stress can be the cause of wrong decisions. Drinking alcohol when we shouldn’t, eating chocolate because it makes us feel better, the list of excuses is long that we hold on to so that we can avoid the cause of our stress.
  • Cause more distress as our minds overload us with negative thoughts of inadequacy. This can damage our confidence. Having coached thousands, I know that a lack of confidence is usually the underlining impactor on most people’s success across all areas of their lives.
  • Risk looking aloof or arrogant because we won’t participate like other people. Our fears can even isolate us in our personal and professional lives too.
  • Feel debilitated. Needless to say, these fears may look irrational and shouldn’t exist to the outside world but to the sufferer they are debilitating. Even impacting on their earning potential, love life, hobbies, travels and personal and professional success.

Why bother to fight the fear

Couldn’t you just ensure you live your life in way that you don’t have to deal with your fear?

I had a client that was so scared of flying that they couldn’t even take their partner to the airport, another who had avoided public speaking for over 20 years and yet now at the height of their profession they had no choice, what were they going to do? Quit? There was another who could never ask for help and another who feared people finding out who they really were.

All these fears and many more can be fixed but only if we can appreciate the benefits of fighting the fear.

Let’s look at the benefits of fighting your fears:

If you’re going to change the way you do something, something that has impacted on your life, thoughts and actions for years, it can be hard to believe change is possible.

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The first thing you must do is give yourself a big enough reason why. Go back through your life and remember all the occasions that this fear was there.

I can still see the spider trapped in my hair because it had obviously been on my hairdryer. I also remember that I probably looked ludicrous in the South of France in my underwear running down the lane screaming and flinging my hair everywhere. The poor spider had not only been flung a long way from my head but was probably destroyed in the flight.

Remember the feelings, the actions, the negative feelings you felt afterwards, for me it meant that every time I picked up a hairdryer I could see a spider crawling towards my ear in my hair. Guess how helpful that was for reinforcing my reactions and irrational fear?

Really experience the fear. Make it so painful that you probably notice your heart racing, your shoulders drawing up and your breath changing. That fear is causing physical change in your body, doesn’t feel good does it?

When the irrational fear is challenged and destroyed, it can’t have power over you. So new opportunities can come your way and instead of fearing them and what people will think of you for your choices, you can be open to;

  • New hobbies
  • New travels
  • New opportunities
  • More success
  • Financially more secure
  • Happier
  • Healthier
  • Confident

The list is long so what can you do to get rid of your fears?

How to fight your irrational fears

In my book Fight the Fear: How to Beat Your Negative Mindset and Win in Life, I cover 12 of the biggest fears that I see impact on success and happiness. Not all of these are obvious but they all have far reaching impacts on our lives.

Here are some of those ideas to help you fight your fear and get more of what you want out of life:

Why did this happen?

For some people they really need to know why the fear started, for others all they want is to get rid of it. If you need to understand yours then don’t skip this tip. Learn how your fears are made and appreciate where yours came from. If you don’t care how it arrived, you can jump to top tip 2.

I’ve seen some clients who are not prepared to look at how to get rid of the fear until they’ve understood how it got here in the first place. It’s not my place to tell them that is right or wrong, just to help them find the right steps to lead them to a happy path.

When a fear first starts, we don’t acknowledge a fear has entered our lives. It is only after a few occasions that we begin to notice that there’s a strong negative emotion connected to this “thing”. That’s how fear is allowed to grow because as humans we have in-built responses that have kept us safe for our entire existence. This means we are meant to perceive fear and either run or fight, either way our bodies jump into action creating physical responses to the perceived threat.

Look for when you first noticed the fast heart beat, the shallow breathing, the shaking hands, the redness. You have created an automatic way of dealing with this fear. It could be that it felt sensible to fear this because you had an unhappy outcome, although it is usually the case that your head has the facts and your heart is not prepared to hear them as it creates a version of the event that is far scarier than it actually was.

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Learning how to remove the emotions and feelings will help you to change your body’s response. The first time I fixed someone’s fear of public speaking, they told me that it physically closed their throat, I worried that was it possible with words to change our physicality? The answer was yes! With the tools and techniques I share below.

The tool kit

From the many people that have contacted me after reading Fight the Fear to my clients, I know for even myself creating a tool kit is a must. This is not a bag that you physically must haul everywhere. This is about learning tools that really resonate with you so that when you can feel the fear start to impact on you, you’ve got your kit ready to take it on.

I don’t have the space in one article to share all of those tools so let’s visit a few:

1. Why I’m awesome

Creating a 2-page handwritten document of why you are awesome can help. This document will be packed with achievements, successes, overcoming adversity and all of those will be full of positive emotions, actions and feelings. It is not easy to write, and I get many messages telling me so however it is a powerful reminder that you can stand up and accomplish.

2. Draw out your emotions

Earlier we looked at how irrational fears can damage every aspect of our lives. If you were to follow the negative spiral down you can follow the positive spiral up again.

I draw these individually for clients and with each action, thought or feeling we put an arrow between them. Each arrow is an opportunity to do something different. If we know that irrational fear is an automatic thought process, then we can start to see that we need to think, do or feel something different. Top tip 3 will help with that.

3. Acknowledge that you need to change

It’s not easy to change, and that is a belief that many hold. Top tip 4 could assist further, however for this tip, remember that when you want to do, think or feel differently, you’ve already achieved the first step and that is recognizing something must change (you don’t need to know what). But if you aren’t sure yet if there’s really something different you want to do, this story about Nancy may help you to figure it out.

Then it’s about acknowledging it. That means not only accepting it but feeling that it is yours to take on and change.

Then for 2 weeks, decide that you won’t allow the thought to be in your head. There are usually some negative thoughts allowed to fester in your head. At this stage, just say “No I’d like you to stop.” After 2 weeks choose a new thought that you would prefer to hear in your head, maybe “I can cope with situations that scare me” or “I am stronger than I know”.

There will be times when you fail. Don’t berate yourself because that is another negative thought you are allowing your head to process. Just start again and at times like that have a read of your “Why I’m awesome list”.

4. Choose your words carefully.

I’ve heard many clients tell me that “It’s going to be hard to change” “I can’t remember a time in my life where I wasn’t petrified” or “This is a lot to ask”. Any thought that gives power to your fear takes away power from you to fight it. Therefore, choose how you word your goal to overcome your fear carefully.

Think thoughts like “I remember when I achieved xxxx and that reminds me I’m far tougher and more capable than I give myself credit for”. (Take the xxx from your why I’m awesome document.)

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5. Believe that you have the control power

The only person that can control what we think and feel is us. I know it can feel like other people are impacting on us, however they can only do that if we give them permission to do so.

If you really think about that for a moment, can you see that you have the right to think and feel anything you want right now? I’m certain you wouldn’t choose pain, fear or anxiety. So, what would you choose to think about your fear?

6. Put up physical reminders

Working one to one, I can find the fear, work through it and create a tool kit of thoughts, feelings and actions that will help them fight that fear and get rid of it. For some, they don’t need physical things to help them; others do.

For example, the CEO who was petrified of public speaking but could handle a conference call with 300 without a second thought, imagined the microphone was a phone when they spoke in front of 400 people to help reinforce the positive thoughts and ideas we’d created.

Or the client that always worried that they were an imposter and “someone else can do this better” pinned on their office wall a tag cloud of all the words that made up their “Why I’m awesome document”.

So they had a daily reminder. They were the right one for the job and they could do it. These daily reminders all come down to one key point — help you to Hack the Habit Loop.

What would be your visual clues to remind you that you can overcome this?

7. Physical supports

Music, environment and even smells can impact on us. Know the music that makes you feel alive and ready for anything. Try aromatherapy oils to feel positive and energised. Even choose your work environment or clothing to empower you.

Changing these things is physical and giving yourself physical ideas to action can help power up your emotional state too.

8. Don’t go it alone

The fear to ask for help is very real (and has a whole chapter in my book) so I know people really struggle with this. The fact is we all need people. We are not insular by design and as such it can be tough to admit that you have a fear impacting on you.

However, by sharing your fear with a trusted friend, colleague or loved one can mean that when you are feeling the fear. you can talk to someone. It could be that you share with them the contents of your tool kit and ask their permission to be added to it. That way they know what works for you and how to best support you.

It’s not a sign of weakness to tell people about your fear. It takes massive levels of strength to say, “I have this fear, and I want to get rid of it.”

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9. Get physical

One of the reasons that a fear can escalate is because we have come to accept that response. Our body reacted in a certain way, once repeated the behaviour and it became a formed habit that was accepted.

Challenging a fear can be done using our body too when we appreciate that fear is actually a reaction inside our bodies. We don’t need to understand where in our brains or what chemicals are racing through us to use our physicality to help us challenge our fears.

When I was writing my book, the Cuddy Superhero pose was proved and disproved by various researchers around the world 3 times. Whether it’s real or not, the fact is the way we stand, the way we breathe and even the speed at which we speak can impact on us as well as those around us.

If you have a fear of public speaking or a fear of people thinking you are stupid or a fear of what people are thinking you can look at how you speak, stand and move. If you compare these with people you deem confident and happy in these situations, how do you look? What can you learn?

The research around placebo’s reinforces us that if it feels like it is working, then keep doing it! What could you use to help reinforce your power and fearlessness?

A little fear can be good

As someone famous once says:

“It is not fear, it is performance energy.”

Despite having an absolute hatred of public speaking 10 years ago, I now love an audience and yet I have a healthy level of fear. That level of fear says “Are you well prepared?” “Do you know your audience?” “Have you rested your voice?” “You really want to deliver to this audience what they need” And those thoughts are sensible.

And just remember, it’s never ever too late to face your fear and do what you desire most! It’s even possible to start over your life no matter what stage of life you’re at. Here’s the proof:

How to Start Over and Reboot Your Life When It Seems Too Late

So as you reduce your fear, be aware of a good level of fear.

Featured photo credit: Isaiah Rustad via unsplash.com

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