“I am not complaining, It’s constructive criticism!”
Have you ever heard that statement and then had someone pick you apart like a vulture picking the last bits of meat off a corpse? Sorry for the disgusting visual but that is what it feels like sometimes. You cannot defend or fight back can you? This wonderful person is taking time out of their insanely busy day to try and help lil’ ‘ol you. “Help” like this is actually very stupid and destructive and if you put up with it, it can destroy your life. If you are a person who does this, it will also destroy any chance for happiness and make those around you miserable. How can you tell the difference between dumb, destructive complaining and wise complaining? Watch for these words and phrases:
1. “I’m telling you this for your own good.”
I find it amazing that someone will assert so strongly that their critiques of you are for your own good when you and they both know they are tearing you down. Notice that when someone complains to you like this, they give you no solution to the problem they have just introduced. It is just nasty criticism.
2. “Your problem is….”
Your problem is that person who continually tells you what your problem is. As if they know! This statement is extremely destructive because it both invalidates the person on the receiving end and tells them what they should be thinking and doing. It is a lousy and destructive control method and never fails to anger the recipient. Your problem is only and ever what YOU decide your problem is. That is, if you decide that you even have a problem. End of story.Advertising
3. “Only your close friend would tell you…” (followed by something negative and catty).
Warning! Danger! If you start considering the person who tears you to pieces a “close friend” you may as well start digging your grave with a teaspoon. I hate to dump this on you, but there are people in life who do not wish you well. Whether it is due to jealousy or control issues, these people can approach you in what appears to be a helpful fashion and try to get close to you only to manipulate you for their own gains. If someone continually tells you negative things that “only your close friends will tell you” take a closer look at this person and decide whether they really mean you well.
4. “I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news but everybody thinks that your husband (or wife or child or friend) is (something negative) “
First off, the person telling you this is lying. They LOVE to be the bearer of bad news. Secondly why are they talking to you about it and not to your husband, wife, child, friend or whoever? In all likelihood, this information that “everybody thinks” is a lie they made up. Someone who is verbally attacking your family and friends is attacking you! They are trying to sow doubts in your head and if you let them, they can destroy your relationships.
5. “I know you just lost your dog but that’s nothing compared to what happened to me!”
Don’t you just love these statements? No matter how bad you are feeling, this person has ALWAYS had a worse experience than you and is ALWAYS ready to trot it out whenever you just need a friendly ear or a shoulder to cry on. At times,these folks seem to be out looking for nasty experiences or opportunities to be treated badly just for the purpose of one-upping you in the game of “Who has been more injured?” Life with this person is crammed with never-ending stories about how their poorly clipped toenail turned into gangrene, or how the cold they had last week was actually The Plague, until you are reduced to rigor mortis by boredom.
6. “So and so dresses so poorly. Seriously does she get her clothes at the Goodwill?”
There are so many things wrong with this statement that I hardly know where to start. First, why is he/she talking to you? Secondly, so the other person has different tastes. So what? Thirdly, has this negative person tried to get in communication and actually help this other person by just being a friend to her? What is the purpose of the communication? If it is anything other than help, it is stupid! If someone complains to you in this manner, advise them that it is not OK and you will not listen. They may bad mouth you, but they would anyway given the chance.Advertising
7. “I’d be so embarrassed if that were me. “
My friend Sally Nutter, on her radio show, once said that what a person who says this really means is, “I have been hurt and embarrassed so many times that I cannot confront the fact that you might be, too”. How can someone be embarrassed for you? It makes no sense! His hurt and embarrassment are not yours. Go be who you want to be and do what you want to do.
8. “I hate this job! It sucks!” (usually followed by an endless list of grievances).
Simple question: Why is this person there? And why is she talking to you about it? She should be doing something about it. Now, obviously ,we all have things that happen in our workaday lives that upset us and, momentarily, we can feel that the entire job is a sucky ball of suck, but a person who always feels that way and lets everyone know it in no uncertain terms is bringing the rest of the staff down. Steer clear.
9. “Everybody knows that so and so is a (racist, sexist, wife beater, baby eater, anything bad).”
Harmful lies spread about people to others is not a light matter. These lies ruin relationships because they are difficult to detect and because the person telling them works very hard to remain undetected. They can fester for a long time, with resultant upset and turmoil. When someone tells you something negative about another person, check it out for yourself. If someone with whom you have been in good communication suddenly becomes cold and distant, suspect harmful lies in the background and start sniffing them out. Find out who is saying it. One person spreading falsehoods left undetected and unrestrained can ruin an entire office of workers or a family by setting them at each others’ throats and sitting on the sidelines watching the fun. It is evil, and my advice is to expose them before they take you all down.
10. “I hear that we are all going to be laid off (or some other gloomy statement) and there is nothing we can do about it.”
I once had a client who, unfortunately, was housed in the same office with me and my staff. Every day he was in with my staff telling them how bad things were and that the layoff notices would be here soon. Each time I heard it, I asked the people who made those decisions whether they were true. They were ALWAYS false. When someone carries bad news like a mosquito carries malaria, followed by the statement “…. and there’s nothing we can do about it,” get them out of your space. You can ALWAYS do something about anything! Anyone who consistently brings that message is a loser. He or she is trying to get agreement on the uselessness of action. This comes from a certainty of his own uselessness. If he cannot change his tune, move him out.Advertising
11. “I don’t care how bad it was, you deserved it!”
Ouch! I don’t even have to go into why that one does nothing to help anyone. While there are a few Hitlers and Goerings on the planet today, the vast majority of people do not deserve to be hurt. People are trying their best to survive and many of them are trying to help others survive. There are far more good people than bad ones, and we all deserve a little compassion, even when we have strayed.
12. “What you did to me was so bad that it can never be remedied.”
There are some things that are very difficult to forgive. But, there are some not-so-bright people who make a career out of nursing grievances so that they can manipulate others through guilt. This is stupid and destructive. When someone holds a grudge and yet keeps coming around you, you have to wonder why . It is likely that they are trying to control you by making you guilty of some horrible crime which generally turns out to be not a crime at all but some little thing that person has amplified into a mortal sin. If you were to look at the results of the actions of a person like this, you would generally find his actions are far more harmful and destructive than whatever this person is holding over you.
13. “I know I am calling at 2:00 A.M. but if you were a real friend you wouldn’t mind.”
Really? The only urgent things that merit a call at 2:00 A.M. are loss or illness of a loved one, suicidal thoughts, personal illness or “Hey! You just won the lotto!!” Anything else can wait. There are many, many people who suffer the tortures of the damned all night long, alone, because they don’t want to wake you. Others seem to think that whenever they are upset for whatever reason, you are supposed to share their misery no matter how inconvenient it is for you. Arguments with husbands or boyfriends, rude waiters, and slights by the boss are not 2:00 A.M. calls in my book.
14. “Why should you care that he was mistreated? It didn’t happen to you!”
People who are intelligent and sane naturally care about whether other people are treated fairly and are doing well. When someone doesn’t care, it signifies not only a lack of intelligence with regard to understanding human behavior, but also a lack of responsibility for his fellow man. Even very young children feel empathy and concern for others’ happiness and well being.Advertising
15. “I hate myself!” (Or any negative remark that a person makes about herself).
Someone who speaks negatively about herself is saying that she has been pounded down and made less of so much that she now believes that this is truth. The person is not dumb but the complaints she is making ARE. Most people do not like to hear negative things about good people even if the negative things are being said by the person herself.
Ask yourself, have you ever made the above complaints? If you don’t want to be a dumb complainer any more, stop making these complaints.
Last Updated on November 26, 2020
How Relationships Building Helps Achieve Career Success
As playwright Wilson Mizner supposedly said all the way back in the 1930s,
“Be kind to everyone on the way up; you will meet the same people on the way down.”
The adage is the perfect prototype for relationship building in 2020, although we may want to expand Mizner’s definition of “kind” to include being helpful, respectful, grateful, and above all, crediting your colleagues along the way.
5 Ways to Switch on Your Relationship Building Magnetism
Relationship building does not come easily to all. Today’s computer culture makes us more insular and less likely to reach out—not to mention our new work-from-home situation in which we are only able to interact virtually. Still, relationship building remains an important part of career engagement and success, and it gets better with practice.
Here are five ways you can strengthen your relationships:
1. Advocate for Other’s Ideas
Take the initiative to speak up in support of other team members’ good ideas. Doing so lets others know that the team’s success takes precedence over your needs for personal success. Get behind any colleague’s innovative approach or clever solution and offer whatever help you can give to see it through. Teammates will value your vote of confidence and your support.
2. Show Compassion
If you learn that someone whom you work with has encountered difficult times, reach out. If it’s not someone you know well, a hand-written card expressing your sympathy and hopes for better times ahead could be an initial gesture. If it’s someone with whom you interact regularly, the act could involve offering to take on some of the person’s work to provide a needed reprieve or even bringing in a home-cooked dish as a way to offer comfort. The show of compassion will not go unnoticed, and your relationship building will have found a foothold.
3. Communicate Regularly
Make an effort to share any information with team members that will help them do their jobs more effectively. Keeping people in the loop says a lot about your consideration for what others need to deliver their best results.
Try to discover the preferred mode of communication for each team member. Some people are fine relying on emails; others like to have a phone conversation. And once we can finally return to working together in offices, you may determine that face-to-face updates may be most advantageous for some members.
4. Ask for Feedback
Showing your willingness to reach out for advice and guidance will make a positive impression on your boss. When you make it clear that you welcome and can accept pointers, you display candor and trust in what opinions your superior has to offer. Your proclivity towards considering ways of improving your performance and strengthening any working interactions will signal your strong relationship skills.
If you are in a work environment where you are asked to give feedback, be generous and compassionate. That does not mean being wishy-washy. Try always to give the type of feedback that you wouldn’t mind receiving.
5. Give Credit Where It’s Due
Be the worker who remembers to credit staffers with their contributions. It’s a surprisingly rare talent to credit others, but when you do so, they will remember to credit you, and the collective credit your team will accrue will be well worth the effort.
How Does Relationship Building Build Careers?
Once you have strengthened and deepened your relationships, here are some of the great benefits:
Work Doesn’t Feel So Much Like Work
According to a Gallup poll, when you have a best friend at work, you are more likely to feel engaged with your job. Work is more fun when you have positive, productive relationships with your colleagues. Instead of spending time and energy overcoming difficult personalities, you can spend time enjoying the camaraderie with colleagues as you work congenially on projects together. When your coworkers are your friends, time goes by quickly and challenges don’t weigh as heavily.
You Can Find Good Help
It’s easier to ask for assistance when you have a good working relationship with a colleague. And with office tasks changing at the speed of technology, chances are that you are going to need some help acclimating—especially now that work has gone remote due to the COVID-19 pandemic.
Much of relationship building rests on your genuine expressions of appreciation toward others. Showing gratitude for another’s help or for their willingness to put in the extra effort will let them know you value them.
Mentors Come Out of the Woodwork
Mentors are proven to advance your professional and career development. A mentor can help you navigate how to approach your work and keep you apprised of industry trends. They have a plethora of experience to draw from that can be invaluable when advising you on achieving career success and advancement.
Mentors flock to those who are skilled at relationship building. So, work on your relationships and keep your eyes peeled for a worthy mentor.
You Pull Together as a Team
Great teamwork starts with having an “abundance mentality” rather than a scarcity mentality. Too often, workers view all projects through a scarcity mentality lens. This leads to office strife as coworkers compete for their piece of the pie. But in an abundance mentality mode, you focus on the strengths that others bring rather than the possibility that they are potential competitors.
Instead, you can commit relationship building efforts to ensure a positive work environment rather than an adversarial one. When you let others know that you intend to support their efforts and contribute to their success, they will respond in kind. Go, team!
Your Network Expands and So Does Your Paycheck
Expand your relationship building scope beyond your coworkers to include customers, suppliers, and other industry stakeholders. Your extra efforts can lead to extra sales, a more rewarding career, and even speedy professional advancement. And don’t overlook the importance of building warm relationships with assistants, receptionists, or even interns.
Take care to build bridges, not just to your boss and your boss’s boss but with those that work under you as well. You may find that someone who you wouldn’t expect will put in a good word for you with your supervisor.
Building and maintaining good working relationships with everyone you come in contact with can pay off in unforeseen ways. You never know when that underling will turn out to be the company’s “golden child.” Six years from now you may be turning to them for a job. If you have built up a good, trusting work relationship with others along your way, you will more likely be considered for positions that any of these people may be looking to fill.
Your Job Won’t Stress You Out
Study shows that some 83 percent of American workers experience work-related stress. Granted, some of that stress is now likely caused by the new pandemic-triggered workplace adjustments, yet bosses and management, in general, are reportedly the predominant source of stress for more than one-third of workers.
Having meaningful connections among coworkers is the best way to make work less stressful. Whether it is having others whom to commiserate with, bounce ideas off, or bring out your best performance, friendships strengthen the group’s esprit de corps and lower the stress level of your job.
Your Career Shines Bright
Who would you feel better about approaching to provide a recommendation or ask for promotion: a cold, aloof boss with whom you have only an impersonal relationship or one that knows you as a person and with whom you have built a warm, trusting relationship?
Your career advancement will always excel when you have a mutual bond of friendship and appreciation with those who can recommend you. Consider the plug you could receive from a supervisor who knows you as a friend versus one who remains detached and only notices you in terms of your ability to meet deadlines or attain goals.
When people fully know your skills, strengths, personality, and aspirations, you have promoters who will sing your praises with any opportunity for advancement.
At the end of the day, it is “who you know” not “what you know.” When you build relationships, you build a pipeline of colleagues, work partners, team members, current bosses, and former bosses who want to help you—who want to see you succeed.
At its core, every business is a people business. Making a point to take the small but meaningful actions that build the foundation of a good relationship can be instrumental in cultivating better relationships at work.
More Articles About Relationships Building
- The Art of Building Relationships You Need to Succeed in Your Career
- 10 Ways to Build Positive And Effective Work Relationships
Featured photo credit: Adam Winger via unsplash.com
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