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12 Things You Should Never Say to a Person Struggling with Depression

12 Things You Should Never Say to a Person Struggling with Depression

Depression can be a tough illness to understand, especially for those who have never experienced it themselves. Many people misunderstand the difference between clinical depression and feeling sad or blue. Approaching depression like the physiological illness it is is key to supporting a friend or colleague with depression. It’s also helpful to realize that medical treatment for depression often does not include medication, and professionals will know better how to react to someone in crisis. While clinical depression is a shifting, troublesome illness, it is something you can approach helpfully and supportively by avoiding some key missteps.

1. “You’re freaking out over nothing.”

Depression and mood disorders tend to involve peaks and valleys of extreme emotions. If you belittle the problems someone is experiencing, they’ll feel attacked and it may make the problem worse. While you might have a different perspective on their situation, that doesn’t change how strong their feelings are, which is the real problem. The chemical and electrical imbalances that cause mental health problems will still be present, even if the person struggling has no responsibilities.

Instead, try to be a sympathetic ear. Understand that this person’s mood will bottom out without any change in external factors. Identify with the person and let them know you understand that their health is often independent from outside problems. Most of all, let the person vent without judgement.

2. “It’s your own fault.”

Never tell a depressed person that they are struggling because of their own actions. Just like most other illnesses, people with depression have no say in whether or or not they are affected. Scientists suspect mood disorders are a result of both genetic predisposition and social factors, so people who struggle with depression did not choose to become sick and shouldn’t be treated as such.

In place of accusing a depressed person of not trying hard enough, acknowledge what a struggle it is to keep going when you are ill. Let the person know that you think they’re brave for sticking it out.

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3. “It will pass.”

Never tell a person depression will pass on its own. Every illness will fluctuate with how serious it is, but illness generally doesn’t go away by itself. Medical treatment is necessary for most people struggling with depression. Even if someone is in a depressed state, but doesn’t struggle with clinical depression, it is always better to err on the side of caution. Additionally, many voices today condemn those who struggle with clinical mood disorders.

Be a supportive voice that lets your friend know what they deal with is a real problem. Try telling the person that depression is a real medical issue and must be difficult to deal with. Encourage them to seek medical treatment, even though others may be misinformed about how serious mental problems are.

4. “What about your lifestyle?”

Don’t look for a scapegoat for your friend’s medical problems. Sure, some actions have an effect on our mood, but a perfectly balanced life would never have the power to completely cure a pre-existing medical problem. In this way, poor lifestyle decisions are often an effect of clinical depression, rather than a cause. Making different choices in the future might help your friend with depression, but first, they need to recover enough to even make well-thought out decisions.

Rather than questioning the persons lifestyle, empathize, then highlight some things that may help them. Remind them that small decisions can aid their recovery. Offering to regularly go for a walk with them for example, is more encouraging than putting down their current decisions. Ultimately, remind them that small acts help recovery, but don’t take the place of medical treatment.

5. “Being depressed is better than … “

Minimizing a depressed person’s problems may seem like you’re giving them perspective, but in fact, it makes the depress person feel as though you think they are making up their illness. While a healthy person can step outside their perspective and change their attitude, clinical depression prevents normal thinking.

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Instead of reminding the person what they don’t have to deal with, try to listen to their concerns and validate that depression is a troubling medical condition. Again, regardless of outside stress, mental problems will sometimes be worse than others. Simply showing concern for the person is much more helpful, and won’t make them feel like their condition is being minimized.

6. “Try thinking positive.”

Even though mental problems exist in the brain, a change in thought is not enough to overcome the problem. Studies show that mental health problems of all kinds, including depression, are caused by chemical and electrical imbalances in the brain. This means a depressed person’s brain does not have the capacity to dwell on positive thoughts and feelings. Telling someone with depression to think their way out of it is a bit like telling a diabetic to think happy thoughts, instead of giving them insulin.

As an alternative, try telling the person it must be incredibly grueling to lose the ability to think positive. Validating the illness of a person with depression is helpful because as they learn more about what causes their condition, they will be better equipped to manage it.

7. “Have you tried exercise?”

Much like positive thinking, exercise is not a cure for health problems, but rather, merely an action with positive effects on health. Exercise is helpful in providing some mood boosting chemicals to a person, but only if their brain is already mainly healthy. Someone with depression needs medical treatment, much of which does not involve medication, in order to get healthy enough to have energy to exercise.

In place of suggesting exercise as a cure, sympathize that it must be hard to have a condition that zaps your energy and motivation. Validate that this person’s condition has a massive effect on what they can accomplish, and new habits will not be enough to overcome it entirely. You can offer to accompany this person regularly for a quick walk or jog without suggesting that exercise is a cure all for their condition.

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8. “Find a new job.”

Another seemingly helpful suggestion that actually isn’t very useful is suggesting that the depressed person get a new job. While work related pressures can certainly exacerbate mental health problems, a lack of stress does not cure serious medical problems.

Instead, show concern that work pressure isn’t making it easier for them to recover from depression. Validate their problems, which may include work stress, but still get to the root of the issue, which is physiological brain imbalances they can’t control.

9. “Count your blessings.”

Again, usually someone is trying to give the person with depression perspective when they say this, but ultimately, it can just make the person feel worse. Someone with depression isn’t just feeling down; they’re experiencing a state of illness. Though numbering the good things in life might help too accentuate the positive, it isn’t a whole solution for someone with medical problems. Not only that, the person has likely already tried many times to pull themselves out of depression with no success.

In lieu of suggesting that this person’s attitude is the problem, let them know that depression gets in the way of someone realizing the positive things in life. Empathize that it must be terrible to have your brain play these kinds of tricks on you and you realize that the person is trying their best to recover. Offer support, and let them know you will always be willing to lend an ear if they need to talk.

10. “Everyone has problems.”

By equating someone struggling with depression to someone with responsibilities, we misunderstand the root of depression. Someone with responsibilities is capable of overcoming problems with hard work. Unfortunately for all of us, hard work is not the only thing needed to overcome illness. When you compare other problems with depression, you run the risk of belittling a depressed person’s struggle.

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A better way to approach this would be to remind the person that they’re not alone in struggling with mental health. Remind them that depression is a real, physiologically based illness that affects many. Because so many people are affected, many treatment options are available to help them recover, even though depression can feel like a tunnel with no end.

11. “Don’t feel sorry for yourself.”

This is also a misunderstanding of where depression comes from. Clinical depression is different from getting the blues, and requires much more than a change in perspective to turn around.

As an alternative to telling your depressed friend to avoid feeling sorry for themselves, acknowledge that they are likely not able to think beyond the curtain of depression. Identify that it must be difficult to be forced into such a state of being.

12. “I know how you feel.”

Although this phrase might seem helpful, saying you know how your depressed friend is feeling can actually be patronizing. Feeling depressed as a healthy individual is very different from clinical depression, so equating the two is harmful. Clinical depression is not a temporary state, and can sometimes last years. The person in question is struggling to feel any hope for months and months on end, which is something you really only experience if you’ve had clinical depression.

Instead, try telling your depressed friend that you’ve had periods where you felt depressed and it was awful, but that experience only begins to show you how serious their condition is. Empathize that a bigger, more complex version of your feelings must be truly punishing to get through. If you have struggled with clinical depression though, it is usually helpful to let them know that you really do know how they feel.

Featured photo credit: ryan melaugh via flickr.com

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Alicia Prince

A writer, filmmaker, and artist who shares about lifestyle tips and inspirations on Lifehack.

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Last Updated on September 12, 2019

12 Things You Should Remember When Feeling Lost in Life

12 Things You Should Remember When Feeling Lost in Life

Even the most charismatic people you know, whether in person or celebrities of some sort, experience days where they feel lost in life and isolated from everyone else.

While it’s good to know we aren’t alone in this feeling, the question still remains:

What should we do when we feel lost and lonely?

Here are 12 things to remember:

1. Recognize That It’s Okay!

The truth is, there are times you need to be alone. If you’ve always been accustomed to being in contact with people, this may prove difficult.

However, learning how to be alone and comfortable in your own skin will give you confidence and a sense of self reliance.

We cheat ourselves out of the opportunity to become self reliant when we look for constant companionship.

Learn how to embrace your me time: What Your Fear of Being Alone Is Really About and How to Get over It

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2. Use Your Lost and Loneliness as a Self-Directing Guide

You’ve most likely heard the expression: “You have to know where you’ve been to know where you’re going.”

Loneliness also serves as a life signal to indicate you’re in search of something. It’s when we’re in the midst of solitude that answers come from true soul searching.

Remember, there is more to life than what you’re feeling.

3. Realize Loneliness Helps You Face the Truth

Being in the constant company of others, although comforting sometimes, can often serve as a distraction when we need to face the reality of a situation.

Solitude cuts straight to the chase and forces you to deal with the problem at hand. See it as a blessing that can serve as a catalyst to set things right!

4. Be Aware That You Have More Control Than You Think

Typically, when we see ourselves as being lost or lonely, it gives us an excuse to view everything we come in contact with in a negative light. It lends itself to putting ourselves in the victim mode, when the truth of the matter is that you choose your attitude in every situation.

No one can force a feeling upon you! It is YOU who has the ultimate say as to how you choose to react.

5. Embrace the Freedom That the Feeling of Being Alone Can Offer

Instead of wallowing in self pity, which many are prone to do because of loneliness, try looking at your circumstance as a new-found freedom.

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Most people are in constant need of approval of their viewpoints. Try enjoying the fact that  you don’t need everyone you care about to support your decisions.

6. Acknowledge the Person You Are Now

Perhaps you feel a sense of loneliness and confusion because your life circumstances have taken you away from the persona that others know to be you.

Perhaps the new you differs radically from the old. Realize that life is about change and how we react to that change. It’s okay that you’re not who you used to be.

Take a look at this article and learn to accept your imperfect self: Accept Yourself (Flaws and All): 7 Benefits of Being Vulnerable

7. Keep Striving to Do Your Best

Often those who are feeling isolated and unto themselves will develop a defeatist attitude. They’ll do substandard work because their self esteem is low and they don’t care.

Never let this feeling take away your sense of worth! Do your best always and when you come through this dark time, others will admire how you stayed determined in spite of the obstacles you had to overcome.

And to live your best life, you must do this ONE thing: step out of your comfort zone.

8. Don’t Forget That Time Is Precious

When we’re lost in a sea of loneliness and depression, it’s all too easy to reflect on regrets of past life events. This does nothing but feed negativity and perpetuate the situation.

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Instead of falling prey to this common pitfall, put one foot in front of the other and acknowledge every positive step you take. By doing this, you can celebrate the struggles you overcome at the end of the day.

9. Remember, Things Happen for a Reason

Every circumstance we encounter in our life is designed to teach us and that lesson is in turn passed on to others.

Sometimes we’re fortunate enough to figure out the lesson to be learned, while other times, we simply need to have faith that if the lesson wasn’t meant directly for us to learn from, how we handled it was observed by someone who needed to learn.

Your solitude and feeling of lost, in this instance, although painful possibly, may be teaching someone else.

10. Journal During This Time

Record your thoughts when you’re at the height of loneliness and feeling lost. You’ll be amazed when you reflect back at how you viewed things at the time and how far you’ve come later.

This time (if recorded) can give you a keen insight into who you are and what makes you feel the way you feel.

11. Remember You Aren’t the First to Feel This Way

It’s quite common to feel as if we’re alone and no one else has ever felt this way before. We think this because at the time of our distress, we’re silently observing others around us who are seemingly fine in every way.

The truth is, we can’t possibly know the struggles of those around us unless they elect to share them. We ALL have known this pain!

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Try confiding in someone you trust and ask them how they deal with these feelings when they experienced it. You may be surprised at what you learn.

12. Ask for Help If the Problem Persists

The feeling of being lost and lonely is common to everyone, but typically it will last for a relatively short period of time.

Most people will confess to, at one time or another, being in a “funk.” But if the problem persists longer than you feel it should, don’t ignore it.

When your ability to reason and consider things rationally becomes impaired, do not poo poo the problem away and think it isn’t worthy of attention. Seek medical help.

Afraid to ask for help? Here’s how to change your outlook to aim high!

Final Thoughts

Loneliness and a sense of feeling lost can in many ways be extremely painful and difficult to deal with at best. However, these feelings can also serve as a catalyst for change in our lives if we acknowledge them and act.

Above anything, cherish your mental well being and don’t underestimate its worth. Seek professional guidance if you’re unable to distinguish between a sense of freedom for yourself and a sense of despair.

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Featured photo credit: Andrew Neel via unsplash.com

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