“Gentleman”, in modern parlance, is a term derived from Latin “genitilis” which means race or gens, men which refers to all men in the society. In general, gentleman refers to any man of good conduct.
Based from history, acting like a gentleman originates from knighthood particularly in the lowest rank in the English gentry, standing below esquire. Geoffrey Chaucer even described that a gentleman should be seen not just in circumstances but to how he behaves to them. No laws or charter can make a man a gentleman. Thus, only he can make himself a gentleman by acting like one.
Confucius, a Chinese philosopher, said through Confucianism teachings, that a man can be gentleman, regardless if he belongs to an elite or not, through practicing acts which are considered moral and humane.
In summary, being a gentleman is a choice to make by any man to behave in accord to what is proper in the society where he lives.
However, nowadays, it is rare.
Jessica Wakeman of Thefrisky.com said that finding a gentleman is rare. He is someone who treats everyone well not limiting to the person he is interested in.
She said, “A gentleman is polite to everyone to everyone, thoughtful to everyone, considerate to everyone. Gentlemen are chivalrous, but not all chivalrous are gentlemen. Most of all, if the guy boasts about what a gentleman he is, he probably isn’t one.”
So, this means that people should be the one to describe a man if he is gentleman or not. But then again, having a gentleman with you is rare.
To know if your guy is a gentleman or not, here are some points you can use to check if he is:Advertising
1. You are assured of honesty and sincerity with a gentleman.
Paul Hudson of The Elite Daily narrates that in Gentlemen are honest and sincere. With regards to their true intentions to everything they see, they are naturally sincere and really honest persons.
They are not telling things just to impress anyone, but to express everything what they have in mind. In general, gentlemen are not talking about irreverent things just to add some spice in the conversation.
2. You are highly valued with a gentleman.
Gentlemen, since they are honest and sincere, do not make things which they know unnecessary or won’t work out at the end.
Yes, it may sound painful but they are acting like that. It is because they don’t want to lead women to a relationship which they know has not having sense at all or they may able to see the outcome of its beginning even in the first phase of their relationship. They have a lot of reasons to do it but definitely the goal is not to break the girl’s heart that much.
3. You are heard with a gentleman.
Gentlemen listen. Unlike other jerks out there who just like to talk and brag about thing they have and what they don’t have or anything blah blah, gentlemen mostly listen.
Since listening is one way to tell the any woman that they are interested to what she says although there are times that he already cannot understand (but does clarify to her by asking her gently some follow-up questions, of course).
4. You feel respected with a gentleman.
Gentlemen show women respect. It is so uncommon to see men being respectful to women. Even what media exposes to public, women are considered enslaved to anything. For example, Pornography, Runaway shows displaying lustful photos of women, etc.
Because of these trends nowadays, respect to women is really a question. But, whenever men show off this respectful side to women, it is highly regarded. When they show respect, they treat you as a person, not an object of their pleasure or whatever. But rather, treat you like a princess needing a Superman to save you from harm. They never force you to conform of their beliefs, values, etc. because they respect you with your own thinking over things.
5. You are highly-valued with a gentleman.
Gentlemen respect her own privacy over anything. As said before, since gentlemen are aware of your different thinking over things than his, they will never force you to conform or to agree to what gentlemen believe is right. Rather, letting you express them even, so they will know.Advertising
With that, it also includes her privacy. Gentlemen just don’t intervene to her personal matters if she is not comfortable sharing with.
6. You are highly supported with a gentleman.
Gentlemen are supportive to her goals and dreams with warm encouragement. They usually ask during the first date, “Would you mind if I ask you about your dreams in life or something like that?”
So, with all honesty, you answered them with a bit lie because you are afraid they won’t like what you will be saying. However, gentlemen, since they show off respect to women, they never will feel bad to the things you will say since they appreciate honesty. Instead of pulling you down or discourage you from whatever you wanted in life, they will rather give out or even research of some possibilities to make your dreams possible to reach.
7. You are able to share honesty with a gentleman.
Gentlemen dislike dishonesty. Like in number one, “gentlemen are honest and sincere”. Gentlemen are really honest to everything. Thus, it also means that women, too, should not lie to them. No matter what conflicts may arise when they are told.
But, usually, gentlemen, though they felt bad, still they will appreciate that you told them, since they consider the things you are thinking about (although some are already stupid to think).
8. You feel special with a gentleman.
Gentlemen make their women feel special. Everyone likes to feel special – especially women.
So, no questions asked why gentlemen are popular in this particular area, because this is one area women are seeking to the men they date. From giving gifts to giving time, etc. Name it. Gentlemen will do them with all possible efforts.
9. You feel protected with a gentleman.
Gentlemen protect their love ones. Feeling secured from anyone is much needed. Thus, anyone will seek someone who could make them feel secured. Might be emotional or physical or whatever. Anyone desires to be protected.
Therefore, gentlemen are highly needed since they do this to protect their loved one in any means they could ever think of.Advertising
10. You never feel abandoned with a gentleman.
Gentlemen never abandon their loved ones. This is such a wonderful trait anyone could ever do. No one likes to be abandoned. This is just an act of the cowards.
However, gentlemen never do that. Instead, they courageously face problems and challenges they may possibly encounter just to be with their loved ones, especially to her woman. They are really aware that life is full of tough challenges and tough surprises that need a lot of courage to deal.
Because of these rare behaviors observed by the modern-day girls right now, being able to see these 10 traits from their man makes them happy and fulfilled. Why? It is due to the fact that the stigma of being a “gentleman” from men is highly-demanded. With this demand, this made them popular, too, if they are noticed.
According to Hudson, being a gentleman and acting like one is something that all men should strive. This is what women want. They want to date good men. Not jerks. For the men alike, it is best to start behaving like a gentleman. It does not sound tough, but it will just need some consistency and effort to achieve it.
Practice these things listed. For sure, you will gain popularity among girls and will receive tons of date requests if you do.
Tips to become a Gentleman:
1. Be honest and sincere.
“Honesty is the best policy”. Everyone wants honesty from everyone. No one wants to be deceived or be taken advantage by anyone.
2. Be valuable and show value to everyone, to everything, especially to women.
Being able to appreciate each other’s differences with all acceptance and unbiased, is a proof that you have valued them much as a human being, which is one important thing to consider among those wannabes.
3. Learn to listen.
Do not just talk and talk and talk. Listen. There is nothing more special and more interesting than listening to other people’s different/varied ideas in mind. It’s fun. Try.
4. Be respectful.
All age brackets, all genders, liked to be respected. No one denies that. Everyone desires it. So learn it.Advertising
5. Place high value on honoring her in everything.
It’s not hard to show appreciation for everything. Just by opening the car door when they hop in, cook their favorite dish for them, these simple things are already enough to tickle and to warm woman’s heart.
6. Be supportive.
You are not there to interrupt to your woman’s plans, but rather, to support them.
7. Promote honesty to each other.
You can’t tell her to be honest if you yourself are not an honest man. In short, be honest to her first before you can have it from her.
8. Treat all women with respect, not just your loved one.
Treat women well. That does not mean just to flirt with her. It’s a different thing. With your girl, treat her extra special above all other women out there. It will really build self-confidence to her believing the she’s really special to you.
9. Feel protective towards her, but respect her independence.
When a man tries hard to protect his woman, it’s one of the most important and special feelings that a woman can feel from her man because not all men can do that. You can do it by checking with her to see if she’s at home safely. It’s as simple as that.
10. Never leave her emotionally alone-especially in times she needs you the most.
One of the most critical points for women is that whenever she faces problems that she could barely handle, you are to support and listen to her. Just be there and listen to her.
By doing these things and really acting like a gentleman with complete sincerity, you can gain much of what you expected – the woman of your dreams. Again, seeing gentlemen along the streets can be uncommon, but they are much desired. It will be greatly appreciated if women can see one, and that gentleman is you. So, guys gear up and start doing now!
Featured photo credit: anitapeppers via mrg.bz
Last Updated on October 16, 2018
How to Overcome Your Irrational Fears (That Stop You from Succeeding)
She could hear her beautiful baby crying but was frozen in the doorway unable to move. The crying got worse and she knew that unless she comforted the infant soon the baby would be inconsolable, and yet her feet wouldn’t move. She didn’t look at the cot but the floor in front, where the venomous hairy monster sat before her…. .okay it was a UK spider so not likely to kill her at all, and yet still her body was frozen as the tears fell down her face. “What a useless mother you are” she berated herself.
That awful mother was me 14 years ago. My fear of spiders had not been controlled for years and I was at the stage where I wouldn’t open a newspaper until my husband had read it and removed the images of spiders. I hated houses that had wooden floors or skirting boards because every knot in the wood could be a spider about to crawl across me.
At the height of my fear, I tried to get out of a moving car. Clearly this harmless 8-legged creature had massive levels of power over me but now that fear is gone, I’m never going to love spiders but I’m not going to leave the room because of one and I can read the word without freaking out and sobbing.
If you think that fear is irrational, what about the fear of going to airports? Or the fear of not asking for help?
Today I want to look at how our irrational fears impact on us, how they can destroy (and I don’t use that word lightly) our success. They can damage our health and even stop us from living our lives. And then I’ll share the benefits of fighting that fear and most importantly how you can fight your fears too.
Table of Contents
How irrational fears impact your life
The thing about irrational fears is that we are not keen to look at them. It makes us feel inadequate, weak and daft because we can’t do things that it seems everyone else can. That gives the fear power.
Fear loves negative emotions and saps up yours making your fear bigger and uglier and even more powerful. Not ideal to say the least. Fears can cause us to:
- Avoid situations where that fear may have to be faced. Dodging parties, new jobs, new experiences where we aren’t sure we will be able to protect ourselves.
- Stop us from sleeping for fear the thing we fear will “get us in the night.” For me this was massive, and I stopped sleeping which had massive implications when my job was to look after a toddler and a baby. I felt half dead most of the time!
- Feel ill with the stress. Stress can be the cause of wrong decisions. Drinking alcohol when we shouldn’t, eating chocolate because it makes us feel better, the list of excuses is long that we hold on to so that we can avoid the cause of our stress.
- Cause more distress as our minds overload us with negative thoughts of inadequacy. This can damage our confidence. Having coached thousands, I know that a lack of confidence is usually the underlining impactor on most people’s success across all areas of their lives.
- Risk looking aloof or arrogant because we won’t participate like other people. Our fears can even isolate us in our personal and professional lives too.
- Feel debilitated. Needless to say, these fears may look irrational and shouldn’t exist to the outside world but to the sufferer they are debilitating. Even impacting on their earning potential, love life, hobbies, travels and personal and professional success.
Why bother to fight the fear
Couldn’t you just ensure you live your life in way that you don’t have to deal with your fear?
I had a client that was so scared of flying that they couldn’t even take their partner to the airport, another who had avoided public speaking for over 20 years and yet now at the height of their profession they had no choice, what were they going to do? Quit? There was another who could never ask for help and another who feared people finding out who they really were.
All these fears and many more can be fixed but only if we can appreciate the benefits of fighting the fear.
Let’s look at the benefits of fighting your fears:
If you’re going to change the way you do something, something that has impacted on your life, thoughts and actions for years, it can be hard to believe change is possible.
The first thing you must do is give yourself a big enough reason why. Go back through your life and remember all the occasions that this fear was there.
I can still see the spider trapped in my hair because it had obviously been on my hairdryer. I also remember that I probably looked ludicrous in the South of France in my underwear running down the lane screaming and flinging my hair everywhere. The poor spider had not only been flung a long way from my head but was probably destroyed in the flight.
Remember the feelings, the actions, the negative feelings you felt afterwards, for me it meant that every time I picked up a hairdryer I could see a spider crawling towards my ear in my hair. Guess how helpful that was for reinforcing my reactions and irrational fear?
Really experience the fear. Make it so painful that you probably notice your heart racing, your shoulders drawing up and your breath changing. That fear is causing physical change in your body, doesn’t feel good does it?
When the irrational fear is challenged and destroyed, it can’t have power over you. So new opportunities can come your way and instead of fearing them and what people will think of you for your choices, you can be open to;
- New hobbies
- New travels
- New opportunities
- More success
- Financially more secure
The list is long so what can you do to get rid of your fears?
How to fight your irrational fears
In my book Fight the Fear: How to Beat Your Negative Mindset and Win in Life, I cover 12 of the biggest fears that I see impact on success and happiness. Not all of these are obvious but they all have far reaching impacts on our lives.
Here are some of those ideas to help you fight your fear and get more of what you want out of life:
Why did this happen?
For some people they really need to know why the fear started, for others all they want is to get rid of it. If you need to understand yours then don’t skip this tip. Learn how your fears are made and appreciate where yours came from. If you don’t care how it arrived, you can jump to top tip 2.
I’ve seen some clients who are not prepared to look at how to get rid of the fear until they’ve understood how it got here in the first place. It’s not my place to tell them that is right or wrong, just to help them find the right steps to lead them to a happy path.
When a fear first starts, we don’t acknowledge a fear has entered our lives. It is only after a few occasions that we begin to notice that there’s a strong negative emotion connected to this “thing”. That’s how fear is allowed to grow because as humans we have in-built responses that have kept us safe for our entire existence. This means we are meant to perceive fear and either run or fight, either way our bodies jump into action creating physical responses to the perceived threat.
Look for when you first noticed the fast heart beat, the shallow breathing, the shaking hands, the redness. You have created an automatic way of dealing with this fear. It could be that it felt sensible to fear this because you had an unhappy outcome, although it is usually the case that your head has the facts and your heart is not prepared to hear them as it creates a version of the event that is far scarier than it actually was.
Learning how to remove the emotions and feelings will help you to change your body’s response. The first time I fixed someone’s fear of public speaking, they told me that it physically closed their throat, I worried that was it possible with words to change our physicality? The answer was yes! With the tools and techniques I share below.
The tool kit
From the many people that have contacted me after reading Fight the Fear to my clients, I know for even myself creating a tool kit is a must. This is not a bag that you physically must haul everywhere. This is about learning tools that really resonate with you so that when you can feel the fear start to impact on you, you’ve got your kit ready to take it on.
I don’t have the space in one article to share all of those tools so let’s visit a few:
1. Why I’m awesome
Creating a 2-page handwritten document of why you are awesome can help. This document will be packed with achievements, successes, overcoming adversity and all of those will be full of positive emotions, actions and feelings. It is not easy to write, and I get many messages telling me so however it is a powerful reminder that you can stand up and accomplish.
2. Draw out your emotions
Earlier we looked at how irrational fears can damage every aspect of our lives. If you were to follow the negative spiral down you can follow the positive spiral up again.
I draw these individually for clients and with each action, thought or feeling we put an arrow between them. Each arrow is an opportunity to do something different. If we know that irrational fear is an automatic thought process, then we can start to see that we need to think, do or feel something different. Top tip 3 will help with that.
3. Acknowledge that you need to change
It’s not easy to change, and that is a belief that many hold. Top tip 4 could assist further, however for this tip, remember that when you want to do, think or feel differently, you’ve already achieved the first step and that is recognizing something must change (you don’t need to know what). But if you aren’t sure yet if there’s really something different you want to do, this story about Nancy may help you to figure it out.
Then it’s about acknowledging it. That means not only accepting it but feeling that it is yours to take on and change.
Then for 2 weeks, decide that you won’t allow the thought to be in your head. There are usually some negative thoughts allowed to fester in your head. At this stage, just say “No I’d like you to stop.” After 2 weeks choose a new thought that you would prefer to hear in your head, maybe “I can cope with situations that scare me” or “I am stronger than I know”.
There will be times when you fail. Don’t berate yourself because that is another negative thought you are allowing your head to process. Just start again and at times like that have a read of your “Why I’m awesome list”.
4. Choose your words carefully.
I’ve heard many clients tell me that “It’s going to be hard to change” “I can’t remember a time in my life where I wasn’t petrified” or “This is a lot to ask”. Any thought that gives power to your fear takes away power from you to fight it. Therefore, choose how you word your goal to overcome your fear carefully.
Think thoughts like “I remember when I achieved xxxx and that reminds me I’m far tougher and more capable than I give myself credit for”. (Take the xxx from your why I’m awesome document.)
5. Believe that you have the control power
The only person that can control what we think and feel is us. I know it can feel like other people are impacting on us, however they can only do that if we give them permission to do so.
If you really think about that for a moment, can you see that you have the right to think and feel anything you want right now? I’m certain you wouldn’t choose pain, fear or anxiety. So, what would you choose to think about your fear?
6. Put up physical reminders
Working one to one, I can find the fear, work through it and create a tool kit of thoughts, feelings and actions that will help them fight that fear and get rid of it. For some, they don’t need physical things to help them; others do.
For example, the CEO who was petrified of public speaking but could handle a conference call with 300 without a second thought, imagined the microphone was a phone when they spoke in front of 400 people to help reinforce the positive thoughts and ideas we’d created.
Or the client that always worried that they were an imposter and “someone else can do this better” pinned on their office wall a tag cloud of all the words that made up their “Why I’m awesome document”.
So they had a daily reminder. They were the right one for the job and they could do it. These daily reminders all come down to one key point — help you to Hack the Habit Loop.
What would be your visual clues to remind you that you can overcome this?
7. Physical supports
Music, environment and even smells can impact on us. Know the music that makes you feel alive and ready for anything. Try aromatherapy oils to feel positive and energised. Even choose your work environment or clothing to empower you.
Changing these things is physical and giving yourself physical ideas to action can help power up your emotional state too.
8. Don’t go it alone
The fear to ask for help is very real (and has a whole chapter in my book) so I know people really struggle with this. The fact is we all need people. We are not insular by design and as such it can be tough to admit that you have a fear impacting on you.
However, by sharing your fear with a trusted friend, colleague or loved one can mean that when you are feeling the fear. you can talk to someone. It could be that you share with them the contents of your tool kit and ask their permission to be added to it. That way they know what works for you and how to best support you.
It’s not a sign of weakness to tell people about your fear. It takes massive levels of strength to say, “I have this fear, and I want to get rid of it.”
9. Get physical
One of the reasons that a fear can escalate is because we have come to accept that response. Our body reacted in a certain way, once repeated the behaviour and it became a formed habit that was accepted.
Challenging a fear can be done using our body too when we appreciate that fear is actually a reaction inside our bodies. We don’t need to understand where in our brains or what chemicals are racing through us to use our physicality to help us challenge our fears.
When I was writing my book, the Cuddy Superhero pose was proved and disproved by various researchers around the world 3 times. Whether it’s real or not, the fact is the way we stand, the way we breathe and even the speed at which we speak can impact on us as well as those around us.
If you have a fear of public speaking or a fear of people thinking you are stupid or a fear of what people are thinking you can look at how you speak, stand and move. If you compare these with people you deem confident and happy in these situations, how do you look? What can you learn?
The research around placebo’s reinforces us that if it feels like it is working, then keep doing it! What could you use to help reinforce your power and fearlessness?
A little fear can be good
As someone famous once says:
“It is not fear, it is performance energy.”
Despite having an absolute hatred of public speaking 10 years ago, I now love an audience and yet I have a healthy level of fear. That level of fear says “Are you well prepared?” “Do you know your audience?” “Have you rested your voice?” “You really want to deliver to this audience what they need” And those thoughts are sensible.
And just remember, it’s never ever too late to face your fear and do what you desire most! It’s even possible to start over your life no matter what stage of life you’re at. Here’s the proof:
So as you reduce your fear, be aware of a good level of fear.
Featured photo credit: Isaiah Rustad via unsplash.com