Why is it so much easier to let go of people we chose to let go of, but find it so much harder to let go of people who chose to leave our lives? Could it be something to do with the fact, that when we make that decision, we are in control, but that control is taken from us by another when they go, and there is little we can do about it?
Lets break things down a little and look at the reasons first why we need to let go of people and secondly why people chose to leave our life in the first place.
1. Because it is not always about us.
Sometimes it is about them, when they walk out, and what they need to get from life and for their personal happiness and well being. We are not center of the universe for anyone’s life except our own!
We all want different things in our lives no matter how compatible we may be, or how well we get on. When someone recognizes a strong need or desire that grows, or doesn’t fade, and they feel they cannot fulfill that passion or desire they have, while being with you, then they must ultimately leave or live resenting you.
Is that what you really want for you or for them? Do you now see why you need to let go of people who chose to leave your life?
Sometimes it may be a new career, a place they have always wanted to live, something they want to do, but to do it alone and not have to commit to a time frame or to being with a person. This really is about them and not you, so let them go, so they can be fulfilled. Go find something that will fire you up and inspire you in the same way.
2. Because some relationships are toxic.
Can I put it any more simply than that? It will either be detrimental for one person (you) even if you were prepared to hang in there, keep hoping that things would change, or was it detrimental for the other person and they realized that and left.
Or was your relationship detrimental for both parties? Where any part of a relationship is toxic, it is not a good place to be for either person. Being with a manipulative, controlling, jealous or abusive partner are examples of a toxic relationship.
Don’t expect them to change and stop making excuses for them. It doesn’t change a thing. Let them go.
On the other hand if you were accused of being the toxic component of your relationship, then again just let them go, and use that time wisely to reflect on why you may need help, to resolve any issues you are going through.
3. Because some people will do what they want whenever they want.
They won’t cast you a second thought. Call them what ever names you want but I doubt they will care. Yes, some people will never change. They may have promised to change or may have had no interest in changing. After all they think they are perfect, so why suffer with someone who will never see you as someone of any significance?
Their ego and degree of self importance blinded them to your pain and suffering. Have you waited up for them to come home, did they ignore you or belittle you, did they forget your birthday, to take you out? Was your relationship very one sided and all about them and they decided to leave you for someone else without casting a thought your way? If so, let go, breathe a sigh of relief, you had a lucky escape. Count your blessings. It is no loss!
4. Because maybe you have driven them away.
Have you changed? Has something happened? Did you miss the signals or alarm bells going off? Were they trying to tell you something? Did they act differently? Only you can answer this, or if you find it too difficult, confide in someone whose opinion you respect, but may not always like! You deserve an honest answer before you can make peace and get some closure.
5. Because sometimes you just have to recognize that it was only you trying to make things work.
Maybe they found what they were looking for elsewhere and you no longer met their expectations. You were surplus to their requirements, they lost interest. I know this can be devastating and hard to face, but is that possibly what happened? Sometimes we try so hard to meet all the expectations of another, but it is unsustainable and exhausting.
You tried to look perfect, smart, cool, try to really fit in to the other persons life, interests and hobbies but there is no guarantee that they would stay. Maybe they are so fickle, they will continue to float between people, not quite sure what they really need or what they are looking for. Do you really want to be with someone like this?
6. Because sometimes letting go of someone is kinder than holding someone back.
Yes, sometimes letting someone go is the kindest thing to do. Are you now free to do the things you always wanted to do, are you no longer held back from doing something you have been putting off or felt unable to do before this?
Alternatively maybe that is why someone left because they felt held back and stagnant in an aspect of their life that was making them very unhappy, so unhappy they had to do something. That something was walking out on you no matter how hard that was for either or both of you.
7. Because you have become too dependent.
Did you lose yourself along the way and become too dependent on this person and you craved being with them and having them around you and they recognized this and feel trapped, stifled and wanted out! Were you less independent since you have been together, did you have greater expectations from the other person? Did they see you as needy, clingy, vulnerable and perhaps a bit demanding?
8. Because together you no longer worked.
You constantly argued and underlying resentment and hostility built up. You either didn’t want to acknowledge it or keep thinking it would get better but the other person decided to get out first but you still find it hard to let go.
9. Because the trust has simply gone.
It is very hard to turn back the clock and if significant trust has been broken by either party, being in a relationship will become unsustainable when one person has had enough and isn’t going to work at the relationship any longer. Where someone chooses to leave your life, let them go, learn and build yourself up again. Take what was best from the relationship so you don’t become cynical but learn also from what went wrong.
10. Because your relationship was all about control.
Lets face it, this was not a healthy relationship to be in. Looking back, is it possible you were being controlled by the other person or were you trying to call all the shots? Either way, there are no real winners and regardless of who left, it was not a recipe for success. Going forward neither person would be happy.
I know the above may be hard to take in, process and work through. What I find helps in very troubling situations is the Serenity Prayer. Look it up and keep repeating it when you find yourself dwelling on why someone left and finding it hard to let them go. If this does not work or if it is not something you are interested in pursuing, then I leave you with the following:
“There comes a point in your life when you realize:
Who never did,
Who won’t anymore,
And who always will.
So, don’t worry about people from your past, there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.”
― Adam Lindsay Gordon