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Published on December 2, 2019

4 Types of Negative Self-Talk to Stop Right Now

4 Types of Negative Self-Talk to Stop Right Now

“You are such an idiot,” used to be my go-to internal reprimand. It’s harsh, I know but I used to be the Queen of negative self-talk. No matter the circumstance, I could find a way to blame myself for falling short, even if the outcome was good. Forget waiting for the other shoe to drop or finding someone else to blame, I was more concerned the sky was falling and it was all my fault.

The powerful and challenging thing about negative self-talk is learning that you ARE your inner critic. Therefore, in order to navigate the rough waters of negative self-talk, you have to cultivate a healthy sense of self-awareness.

For a long time, I thought I was being appropriately hard on myself because if I wasn’t, who would be? I couldn’t have been more misguided.

Almost everyone on the planet has experienced a moment when positivity goes out the window and you become your own worst enemy. It’s in those moments when you inner critic pipes up and begins hurling destructive falsehoods at you.

Negative self-talk is so insidious that you may not even realize it’s happening until you are in the throws of self inflicted internal flogging. It may start out as a little personal reprimand that goes on unchecked, which spirals into a full on “I’m an Idiot, WTF was I thinking” scenario. Before you know it, you’ve blamed all the worlds problems on yourself and all you want to do is crawl under a rock.

Thankfully a little self-awareness goes a long way. It can be like a lamp turned on in a dark room that immediately allows you to feel more secure, confident and knowledgeable about yourself. In an effort to help you turn on the light, here’re 4 types of negative self-talk you need to stop right now:

1. Personalizing

Some examples of personalizing are:

“We didn’t get the account! It must have been because of my presentation. “

“Friendsgiving is cancelled this year? It has to be because no one likes my food.”

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If any time something bad happens, you automatically think it has something to do to you directly, you have personalized the outcome.

One cause of personalization is insecurity. When you feel insecure, uncertain and anxious, it is easy to label yourself as the cause of unfortunate outcomes. The challenge is slowing down long enough to acknowledge that there is no evidence to support the personalization of the outcome.

One way to halt personalized negative self-talk is to first acknowledge that you are personalizing. Then, ask yourself if you know it to be true. The following line of questioning has worked wonders for many dealing with personalized negative self-talk:

Is it true that you are the reason things went wrong? Is it true that you are the reason something bad happened? What evidence do you have to support that?

Honest answers to these aforementioned questions can help give you the distance you need from the outcome to make an objective assessment of your role, while also quieting your inner critic.

2. Filtering

Some examples of filtering are:

“So what I got that done, there’s still a ton to do if I want to be successful”

“They enjoyed that garbage? I thought I could have done so much better!”

When no matter what happens, you disregard what has been accomplished and focus on what you have left to do, then you’ve filtered the outcome.

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A lack of mindfulness can lead to filtering. Mindfulness is about connection, when it is absent, all of our actions can feel disconnected. If you are not clear about how your current actions are connected to your overall goal, it can leave you feeling like an untethered balloon floating aimlessly with no direction.

Being detached from the reality of your actions can cause you to feel frustrated, like you are on a hamster wheel to nowhere.

One approach to work with this kind of negative self-talk is to remind yourself of the true merit of what you have already accomplished. When you find yourself dwelling on what you haven’t done, pause and acknowledge the thought with out judgment. Take yourself out of the equation, and objectively ask:

What have I already done that is going to help me get closer to where I want to go?

Write down your answers, and read them aloud to yourself. Taking time to intentionally reflect on the bigger picture can reveal all the positives you previously overlooked.

3. Polarizing

Some examples of polarizing are

“I didn’t beat my personal best this time, I suck!”

“I burnt one of the biscuits, I’m the worst cook in the world”

If your thinking is very black and white, then you are likely experiencing polarized negative self-talk. When you are in a polarized mental space, you see your behaviors and outcomes categorically – they are either good or bad, there is no in-between.

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Perfectionism can be a cause of polarizing. Wanting everything to be perfect creates an untenable ideal that causes you to micro analyze all your outcomes. The micro-analysis creates an energetically draining and seemingly endless cycle of problem spotting.

One method for dealing with polarized thinking is to remind yourself – Perfection is an illusion and reality is subjective. As Shakespeare wrote,

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

Shakespeare poetically describes every human’s secret super power – the ability to control your individual perception.

You have the power to shape your subjective reality by controlling your power of perception. When you accept that perfection is an illusion, you free yourself from the pain of trying to perceive all things, including yourself, through that lens.

Take a look at this article and learn Why Your Perception Is Your Reality.

4. Catastrophizing

Some examples of catastrophizing are

“Traffic is terrible, I’m going to be late! Now my whole day is ruined.”

“My partner didn’t say I love you this morning. We must be about to break up.”

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Remember Chicken Little, who got hit on the head with an apple and immediately thought the sky was falling? He was the poster child for catastrophizing. If the slightest negative outcome triggers you to anticipate the worst outcomes in all areas of your life, and you believe calamity is inevitable, then you catastrophized the outcome. This type of thinking takes cause and effect reasoning to an illogical extreme.

In order to overcome catastrophic thinking, it’s important to remember that not every action you take is related. While you may be late to work because of traffic, it does not automatically mean your day is ruined. Likewise, if your partner forgot to say I love you before work, that doesn’t mean you’re definitely breaking up.

Think of cause and effect like a tree. The initial cause is like the tree trunk and the effect can be any one of the many branches that sprout from the trunk. The next time something unexpected throws you for a loop, before you assume the worst, remember the worst is just one branch of the tree. You can always choose a different branch.

Final Thoughts

Now stop beating yourself up and give yourself permission to live!

Not every situation is going to go your way – and that is expected. When things go left, you don’t have to become your own worst enemy; instead, you can be your own best friend.

Be compassionate and patient with yourself as you begin to cultivate deeper self-awareness. Shifting out of long established patterns of negative-self talk will take dedication and discipline. Be firm but kind with yourself. It may be difficult to completely eradicate the inner critic but, you can empower yourself to confidently shut him up.

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Featured photo credit: Toa Heftiba via unsplash.com

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Awilda Rivera

Success Coach - Author - Speaker - Yogi - Advisor

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Last Updated on August 7, 2020

40 Acts of Kindness to Make the World a Better Place

40 Acts of Kindness to Make the World a Better Place

“What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.” — Jane Goodall

So, you want to change the world? Who says you can’t?

You’ve had the power this whole time. You just have to tap into it and embrace the ways you make changes.

You can start small or go big. The important thing is that you try. Even in little ways, we can change the world. It’s up to you to show up and make that difference.

Here are 40 acts of kindness to make the world a better place.

1. Give a Compliment

Tell someone that you care about them by complimenting them. It can be a big compliment or a small one. The point is that you share what good you see in them. That will help them develop confidence and a stronger sense of self.

2. Volunteer

There’re many reasons why doing voluntary work is good for you. Find a good cause you care about and give your time to it. Serve in some way. Volunteering transforms your hard work into other people’s happiness. This is one of the most common acts of kindness that you can do.

3. Contribute to a Charity

Similarly, charities also contribute to other people’s happiness even with minimal effort from you. If you can’t serve a charity or nonprofit, you can give financially or even raise money with a fundraiser. Volunteering and contributing to charity are acts of kindness that require sacrifice but are definitely worth it.

4. Visit Someone

People may know you care but are you present with them? It’s best to give your time to those you care about and show them that they matter to you. Go and visit them while you can. This simple act of kindness can go a long way.

5. Listen

When someone talks, are you really listening? A person will feel like you are listening if you actively respond and can repeat back what they’ve said, asking questions to further probe their problems. Regardless if you’re actively or passively listening, listening has positive effects on others, which is a step towards making the world a better place.

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6. Show Empathy

Show empathy – feel what someone else is feeling. Put yourself in their place. They may need that, and this shows that you understand what they are going through, which can help make them feel better. Showing empathy is one of the simplest yet best ways acts of kindness can manifest.

7. Point out the Positive for Someone

Not everyone can see the positive side of things, especially if they are going through very rough times. It may make their day though if you show it to them. Then, they can enjoy it, too.

8. Help Someone With Something

Do you have some skills to offer? Do you have the ability to help out? It doesn’t matter how you can help, just find some way to be of use to someone. You never know how doing so might find its way back to you. Ask how you may be of help, and it just might make someone’s day a lot better.

9. Give Input or Advice

Someone may benefit from what you know. You may have the experience that they don’t have. When you give input about something using your expertise (whether a little or a lot), you are more appreciated for doing so. Valid criticisms and feedback are always welcome, and they may even help others improve their situation.

10. Lead Others

You may now know it, but people may be looking to you as an example of what to do. You can lead them from point A to point B, maybe because you’ve gotten there yourself or because they trust you. Regardless, leading others is one of the best acts of kindness that you can do for others.

11. Promote Someone

Show off someone’s skills and their value. This will make them feel good enough as well as touched by this act of kindness. Promoting someone not only benefits them economically or financially, but it also helps them mentally and emotionally, knowing that you believe in them.

12. Solve a Problem for Someone

You don’t have to have all the answers. But if you have solved a problem for someone, they will look at you as if you do. That’s rewarding in and of itself.

13. Tell Someone That They Matter

People don’t always know their worth. Some people don’t recognize that they and what they do matter to others. If you tell them that they are worthwhile, they will feel better and be able to do better. They will look to you for strength at first, then to themselves.

14. Teach Someone a New Skill

You don’t have to be a teacher to share your knowledge. If you teach someone a new skill, they will spread the knowledge and your influence may extend to more people. This is a simple yet effective act of kindness that can help improve the world.

15. Plant a Tree, Clean up Trash, Recycle, Get Educated

Even in simple ways, taking care of the environment is important in making the world a better place. You must care about nature and its value. We are connected to nature, and nature is a big part of our world.

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16. Start a New Initiative Toward Social Good

You may not be the only one interested in an idea, but you may be the first to act on it. Lead others towards this initiative and see the goodness spread. Any initiative that benefits society will benefit the whole world.

17. Analyze if Products Are Ethical

In the current consumer culture, we often want instant gratification. But that’s not always safe or effective. We must look into the ethical practices behind the products we consume. Our consumption should be consistent with what we stand for, and we should spread the message to gain greater awareness of the right kind of products.

18. Ask Questions

This is called being considerate. When you ask someone a question, you are showing interest in and building their confidence to talk about themselves.

19. Make a New Friend

We can’t have a list of acts of kindness without including this one. Everyone needs friends. We must hold onto each other not hurt each other. Having friends means we’re no longer alone. You can share more and do more when you have a friend.

20. Positive Reinforcement

Rather than just criticizing someone for what they did wrong, praise and reward good behavior, too. This is especially useful when dealing with kids or in the workplace. Learn the benefits of positive reinforcement: Positive and Negative Reinforcement: Which Is More Effective?

21. Be Honest

This may just be a simple act of kindness, but people will feel respected if you are honest with them. It may not solve everything, but it helps them know you are trustworthy and that you care about them.

22. Give Your Time

Giving your time to help others shows them that you will be there for them no matter what. Your time is the most valuable thing that you can give, and this can encourage them to give their time to others as well.

23. Be Accountable

If you make a mistake, that’s okay. No one is perfect; everyone makes mistakes. But be accountable and try to make things better. This will let others know that they can rely on you.

24. Learn

Learn from someone. Listen to someone’s story, learn how someone does something, and be teachable. We can’t learn everything, so there will always be something new for us to learn.

25. Love

Love makes the world go round. Love is the ultimate manifestation of kindness. And when you love someone, let them know it. Let them feel that you are in their life for the right reasons and that you want to be there for them.

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26. Stand for Something

Society has many problems, and there are many causes to choose from. Find something you are passionate about such as a social justice issue, environment, animals, etc. The list goes on. What’s important is that you show conviction toward a good cause.

27. Write a Note of Encouragement

A nice note can turn someone’s day around. As long as what you wrote is from the heart, the recipient will feel that it is and will feel better than before.

28. Say “Thank you”

Saying “thank you” is often taken for granted. Such an act of kindness is often overlooked, but it’s still as important as before. Saying “thank you” is how you can make some feel appreciated and supported.

Here’re 60 Things To Be Thankful For In Life.

29. Heal Someone

If you can heal someone, you can make the world a better place. You can heal them emotionally, physically, or spiritually and if you heal them, they will never forget it. You will feel healed in your heart, too.

30. Be an Advocate

Stand up for someone or something. Sometimes, it’s not easy to do the right thing, but if you want to show that you care, you have to put a stop to any form of injustice. You may be the only one to take that stand. Know that it matters.

31. Raise Someone

Raising a human being is just one contribution that you can make in the world. This may be more complicated than the other acts of kindness, but it’s just as impactful. You can leave a legacy on the person who grows up under your care.

32. Embrace Community

“No man is an island.” It’s a common saying but it speaks the truth. We are meant to be social beings in need of each other. That is why we have communities. You can help a community flourish through what you bring to the table.

33. Hold Space for Someone

This means having no judgment. It is unconditional care and support without trying to solve someone else’s problems. It may be kinder than talking over them or taking over. Let them be, and let them know you’re there.

34. Forgive

Grudges hold us back. Second chances give us more life. It’s not just for them, it’s for us. When the situation is appropriate, be the bigger person and you will have a better life. Forgiveness may not come easy, but you’ll find that it transforms everything it touches.

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Learn How to Forgive and Live a Happy Life Again (A Step-By-Step Guide).

35. Give a Gift

If you give a gift, someone will have something that makes them think of you. They also learn that they are deserving of kindness, and they may feel good about themselves.

36. Keep Your Promises

People look to you for consistency. They want to know that they can count on you. Show them they can by keeping your promises.

37. Just Be Nice

Other acts of kindness require more effort, but you can just be nice and this will contribute to having a better world. The important thing is to always be aware of your words and actions.

38. Make Others a Priority

When was the last time you checked in with someone else and their wellbeing? How high up the list do you put them? Make them a priority and show them that they are being heard.

39. Meet Someone Where They’re at

You may not understand someone’s point of view or see a lack of experience compared to your own. But you can still meet them where they are and how they are still important to you. Find ways to use this to teach them how to be better. Find grace, patience, and understanding.

40. Save a Life

If someone’s in need and you answer the call, that simple act can change everything. Sometimes, the little things we do can already save or change the lives of others. Make the world a better place by saving those within it. This is the greatest thing you can do with all your talents, money, and time.

Final Thoughts

Can you think of more ways to make the world a better place? Then do it. Invite others to do it with you, too. This will change the world, but it will also change you. You will become happier and healthier to have done so.

Use this list anytime you need a good idea or a simple reminder of what you can do. No matter what you do, you are a hero. How you live is your legacy.

Featured photo credit: Andrea Tummons via unsplash.com

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