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8 Signs of a Toxic Relationship and How to Save Yourself from It

8 Signs of a Toxic Relationship and How to Save Yourself from It

You know what it’s like to have the honeymoon phase of any relationship die down. It’s fun and exciting in the beginning, but you get comfortable and the relationship can begin to get a little stale.

The longer the relationship lasts, the more ups and downs you will run into. While this is all totally normal, it’s important to be aware of certain negative behaviors you may run into so that you can guard yourself from their toxic effects.

So take a moment to ask yourself,

“Do I know what an unhealthy relationship looks like and how to handle the situation?”

Now imagine how much heartache you can save yourself if you knew the answer to this question more in depth. You’d be able to pick up on things much earlier before it’s too late where the relationship already reaches an unhealthy level.

Keep reading below to learn about the eight signs of toxic relationships to look out for and how to deal with them.

1. Your partner has become apathetic

When you notice your partner being more disengaged, this may be a sign that s/he is beginning to give up on the relationship. You’ll notice either they don’t argue as much with you or they just give in to your wishes because they don’t really care as much anymore.

Your partner has stopped feeling the same highs s/he felt when the relationship first started. And when you work even harder to make the relationship work, this can become even more toxic if your partner just sticks around because now s/he feels guilty. You find that the more of yourself that you keep giving, the less reciprocation you receive.

What should you do?

Before going on and trying to repair the relationship, it’s important here to provide an environment for your partner where s/he feels safe to tell you what s/he is going through.

Asking “Are you okay?” usually isn’t the greatest question. Being candid and open with your own feelings are a great start. You may want to start off with something more along the lines of “It feels like you’ve been so disengaged and distant lately, what’s been on your mind?”

Helping your partner feel emotionally safe with you is the key to starting the process of repairing the relationship that will help your partner feel connected to you again.

Other times, even though you haven’t done anything wrong and you’ve been a great partner, sometimes the best thing you can do at this point is to give your partner some space to work his or her own problems out.

2. Your partner is controlling

An important part when it comes to a healthy relationship is to make decisions together. Not for each other.

People who are controlling feel the need to be in charge of everything and express this need by being manipulative with both their environment and the people around them.

If you find yourself feeling like you need to ask for permission for simple things like meeting up with other friends or even family members, it’s a sign that you’re partner is exhibiting controlling behavior.

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Controlling partners will also use threats to get you to do what they want and they may even go as far as threatening to end the relationship.

This kind of behavior stems from a deep sense of insecurity and it’s toxic because it kills any opportunity for intimacy and connection.

While in the beginning it might feel like your partner is making such strong suggestions because s/he cares so much, you’ll eventually realize the behavior really is more selfish than selfless.

What should you do?

Controlling behavior is usually a reaction to anxiety, jealousy and insecurity. A great place to start is by helping your partner feel safe to talk about this specific behavior.

Sometimes, partners will be able to acknowledge that this behavior is inappropriate and that they should be able to trust and respect you. If this is the case, there is hope for growth in the relationship.

Other times, there may be excuses as to why they act this way. One common excuse is that they are just looking out for your best interest because they want to make sure you don’t run into trouble. It’s likely that partners like this view you as someone to be fixed.

They may try to change things like your behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs in order to help themselves feel more in control. If this is the case, they are in a judgmental mindset and you may want to consider getting professional help if necessary or start setting boundaries (See number six) and keeping your distance from them.

3. Your partner shames you

Do you often find yourself feeling like a horrible person after interacting with your partner?

If you do, it may be time to start paying attention to how your partner speaks with you. If you find that your partner is often criticizing your character, this is a clear sign that s/he is shaming you.

And this will kill your relationship because of one important thing.

Shame makes intimacy impossible.

When someone attacks your character, it causes you to feel shame rather than guilt. And to illustrate the difference, guilt is “I did something bad” versus shame, which is “I am bad”.

Rather than making you feel included in the relationship, shame will make you feel alone and isolated.

Some cases where toxic partners might shame you is by directly attacking your character with verbal abuse through yelling, berating, and judging.

Other times, partners may shame you in more subtle ways through making demeaning sarcastic comments or saying hurtful jokes about you. This is cold violence.

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What should you do?

People who shame others really do it to make themselves feel better about themselves.

If you find yourself feeling hurt because of the comments your partner makes, it’s important to reevaluate if this relationship is one worth staying in. People who shame others are usually are emotional bullies and will often make you feel like you’re stupid or overreacting when you express how hurt you are.

If you find yourself feeling small, isolated and alone, first go find someone who your trust and love and share the story of what happened. The reason for this if your partner isn’t someone who validates your feelings, you need to find someone who will.

Then it’s time to start thinking about how to either repair or end the relationship. Speak with your partner and if s/he isn’t willing to listen or try to understand how the toxic behavior is affecting you, then it’s probably best to distance yourself from the relationship.

4. Your partner is passive aggressive

Have you ever had a situation where you ask partners if they’d be willing to do something for you and they say yes, but do it in a resistant way? While they’re helping you, they are half-hearted, making harsh complaints, and resentful at what you asked of them.

This is passive aggressive behavior.

It’s like those times you ask someone if s/he is okay and you get the reply “I’m fine,” but you get the silent treatment the whole time.

Passive aggressive behavior will show itself through procrastination, resistance and sabotage. You’ll also notice a lot of passive aggressive behavior the most through non-verbal communication. People will be holding expressions of contempt and anger during their interactions with you.

Here’re 12 Ways Passive-Aggressiveness Can Slowly Killing Your Relationships.

What should you do?

People who are passive aggressive don’t know how to clearly communicate their feelings. They often expect you to read their minds and already know what they are going through.

The reason they have so much trouble being open and honest is usually because of the fear of disappointing others. They are worried that if they say no to you, that you might end the relationship.

So they would much rather say yes when you ask of a favor that they would rather not do. This causes them to do it unwillingly while resenting you because they feel you should’ve known not to ask in the first place.

When dealing with a passive aggressive partner, the key is to help them feel safe enough with you to be honest about how they really feel.

Open up conversation to reassure partners that you value their honest opinion and that you would never hold things against them for it even if it means having to have a hard conversation about it. Then express how hurt or troubled you are by the behavior so this can open up the conversation on how to improve the relationship.

5. Your partner holds grudges

People who bring up the past issues you’ve already settled over and over again usually means they haven’t gotten over it yet. Partners who hold grudges like this mean they have never truly forgiven you.

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As more time passes in any relationship, there will come a point where you get hurt. And unless you’re planning to ditch every relationship that you started whenever you get into a conflict, forgiveness will play a key part in keeping the relationship healthy and growing.

The strongest relationships are strong not just because of all the positive situations they have, but it’s more-so because of how they handle the negative ones together.

You’ll find that these couples know how to tackle the tough conversations and always try their best to find a healthy way to use forgiveness in effort to move towards reconciliation in times of conflict.

What should you do?

If you’re partner often holds grudges that s/he can’t let go of, this can lead to a toxic situation.

If you notice your partner subtly or obviously bringing up past issues you thought were already resolved, it may be time to have a conversation about it again.

You will probably need to dig deeper to see if your apology wasn’t enough and if it wasn’t, you may need to first figure out what is expected of you to help you reconcile with your partner.

If the expectation is unreasonable, there may be a chance the grudge is not only towards you.

You’ve probably triggered a reaction to some painful experiences your partner has gone through because of other people that s/he has still not gotten over yet. If this is the case, professional help may be required. But the key first step is to really validate your partners feelings as s/he express them.

6. Your boundaries aren’t respected

When you get comfortable in a relationship, it may be easier for your partner to try and pressure you to do something s/he wants. It may be okay with you the first few times to give in, but the more frequently this kind of situation occurs, the more toxic the relationship becomes.

People in healthy relationships understand each other and know how to respect the other’s boundaries. When partners start to cross those boundaries, it’s a sign that they no longer respect your own needs and values.

What should you do?

Being firm with your boundaries can be really tough to do especially with people you love and care about. Nevertheless, it’s ultimately your responsibility to set them. Otherwise, people will never know and may often cross them without even knowing.

You will end up being the one suffering the most because you might end up in situations where you are resentful, exhausted and overwhelmed.

If your partner crosses a boundary, first thing to do is to speak up about it. Let the conversation flow so you can get on the same page and let your partner know how you would like him or her or to adjust the behavior.

If you find that your partner repeatedly crosses your boundaries, you will have to make the tough choice and take action to prevent him or her from doing it again whether it’s taking a break from the relationship or cutting it off entirely.

7. You feel like you’re always walking on eggshells with your partner

If you find yourself in fear of how your partner will react to something reasonable that you’re wanting to do, you’re likely in a toxic relationship already.

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For example, you might be hiding certain text messages you received from certain people because you’re afraid of how your partner may react. Or maybe you’re afraid to go out with certain friends from work because you’re afraid your partner will get jealous.

Assuming that you’re a loyal and caring person, if you find yourself constantly feeling this kind of fear and anxiety when making decisions, it means you don’t feel safe to share these things with your partner. Hence, at times it leads you to be secretive and even dishonest about some things.

What should you do?

The healthiest relationship are always built upon a foundation of trust and open communication.

If you’re frequently thinking about how you might make your partner mad and you intentionally avoid doing those things, it is an unhealthy relationship; especially when you end up avoiding doing things that are reasonable and something you normally would want to do such as hanging out with new friends or going to new events.

This will be tough, but since the relationship is probably moving towards a toxic one anyway, it’s important to have a discussion with your partner how you have been feeling. If your partner’s jealousy and anger are causing him or her to engage in irrational behaviors, it’s important to understand and address why s/he is doing so.

These situations often stem from your partner’s fears and insecurities because of previous painful experiences from other relationships. The key here is to help your partner feel safe enough to talk about those things first. So then you can then open up the conversation about how it’s been negatively affecting you and discuss how to improve things.

If you can’t get to a place where you feel safe enough to be yourself around your partner because of how s/he is behaving, the relationship is probably not one worth investing in.

8. Your partner is overly dependent on you

If you’ve been feeling like you always have to tend to your partner’s needs at a moments notice, you have a partner that overly depends on you. This usually occurs in partners who who don’t have a strong sense of identity and struggle with a low sense of self worth.

This kind of relationship is toxic because you don’t feel the freedom to be yourself. Instead, you start taking on the role of being a servant rather than a friend or partner.

You’ll start to feel guilty for wanting to spend time on yourself when it’s probably one of the most important things for you to do at this point.

What should you do?

It’s important for you to care for yourself too and if you find it difficult to express this to your partner, it’s only going to end up for the worst.

Express how you’ve been feeling to your partner. It will be a difficult conversation so if the first few ones don’t go too well, you may need to seek professional help or worst case scenario may be to start considering ending the relationship.

Either way, if you’re finding yourself stretched too thin and starting to feel like this is a one-sided relationship, it’s important to get the conversation about it started with your partner. It’s the only road that leads to the possibility of reconciliation and a healthier relationship.

Final thoughts

The healthiest relationships are formed from people who continually build up a safe environments for each other in order to make it feel okay to be vulnerable.

Toxic relationships always cause people to feel unsafe to express their opinions and really be their genuine selves .

Review the 8 signs mentioned here and if you feel like you are stuck in a toxic relationship, the first step is to acknowledge that this is a problem. Seek professional help if necessary, take care of yourself and most importantly, stay true to yourself.

Featured photo credit: The HK Photo Company via unsplash.com

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Eugene K. Choi

A life coach who helps people discover how to best utilize their passions and talents through a proven process.

How to Be Happy Again: 13 Simple Ways to Shake off Sadness Now How to Attain Self Realization (Step-By-Step Guide) 17 Tactics to Drastically Improve Communication in Relationships 15 Ways Meditation Benefits Your Brain Power and Your Mood 8 Signs of a Toxic Relationship and How to Save Yourself from It

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Last Updated on July 15, 2020

How to Let Go of Toxic People in Your Life

How to Let Go of Toxic People in Your Life

“Entitlement is an expression of conditional love. Nobody is ever entitled to your love. You always have a right to protect your mental, emotional, and physical well-being by removing yourself from toxic people and circumstances.” -Dr. Janice Anderson & Kiersten Anderson

It’s not always obvious if you have someone toxic in your life. A toxic relationship is one that is harmful to you. A toxic person can create distress to the degree you feel inadequate and isolated. So, what makes a toxic person?

A toxic person has toxic behavior, meaning it’s not that the whole person is toxic[1]. It’s what they do that counts. Most toxic people run from accountability and misrepresent reality to you. They misrepresent your worth and your ability to heal from them can be stifled the longer you keep them in your life. You have a role to play with it as well; if your values are dismissed by them and you don’t act on it, you have allowed room for toxicity to grow.

When you are in a toxic relationship, you feel less than. You feel as though you are not worth anyone’s time or effort. You feel unheard, and sometimes you feel unsafe. You don’t feel good about yourself in a toxic relationship, whether it be with a partner, friend, or family member.

You may stay in a toxic relationship for a number of reasons. You may believe yourself to be a burden, have a lack of boundaries, resist change, fear conflict, try to be a people pleaser, find yourself codependent, or are partially stuck in a pattern or unhealthy cycle of abuse.

Letting go of toxic people may not be easy. In order to do so, you have to know why or how they are toxic to you and read between the lines that they do not have your best interests in mind.

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Letting go of toxic people is hard because you are good and want to see the good in others. You think their apologies are authentic. You have trouble believing they are being dishonest. You don’t spend time healing from it. You get pulled back into the pain because you don’t want it to end. However, if you feel like something isn’t right, it probably isn’t right.

You should walk away from a toxic person because you need to preserve your peace. You need to feel like yourself again. And you need better support.

Letting go of toxic people can involve four major steps.

1. Recognize the Red Flags

Red flags are signs a person is being toxic. It’s when someone shows characteristics that you should feel caution about. It’s when you feel any level of dissatisfaction and distrust. Trust your gut. When you recognize red flags, you can evaluate whether a person is trying to manipulate you or not. This gives you some level of control over what you allow in your life. The earlier you detect these behaviors, the better off you will be.

Red flags can include:

  • They always put themselves first.
  • They point out imperfections and sabotage your self-esteem.
  • You may feel drained or used when you’re around them.
  • What you give isn’t reciprocated. They don’t return the goodness you provide as a friend.
  • They ignore your boundaries and get angry when you tell them “no.”
  • You catch them in half truths or outright lies when you confront them about anything.
  • You are the villain; they are the victim.
  • Second chances always lead to repeated patterns of behavior.
  • They may engage in abuse.

2. Set Boundaries

There are emotional boundaries that one can set, but there are also physical ones[2]. You can leave any time. Setting boundaries is also an important part of self-care.

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You shouldn’t walk on eggshells. Tell them how you feel. Are they respecting you, fulfilling your needs, and listening to you? If not, it’s time to set up a healthy emotional distance and start letting go of toxic people around you.

There are levels to this. You have your inner circle, which could include family, and then you have acquaintances and strangers. If a toxic person is in your inner circle, it’s time to pull back and put up some boundaries for them to follow. If they can’t hear you out, you can cut off the connection completely.

You can give second chances, but you have to be careful. If someone knows they can get away with something, they will do it again. If there’s any chance for the relationship, they have to know not to cross certain lines.

3. Invest in Yourself

You deserve to know you are worthwhile. Try to remember that things will get better and that anything is possible. How do you do so? Invest in yourself.

This means self care, goal setting, surrounding yourself with positive support, and feeling a sense of peace. Your greatest ambition should be to love yourself. Without self-love, letting go of toxic people will be difficult.

Every relationship is a risk, but if you know yourself and what you will allow, toxic people will have less of a hold over you. If you are a giver or people pleaser, you are most at risk to being in a one-sided relationship. You shouldn’t be punished for caring, but sometimes trust needs to be earned. If you have self-love, you are treating yourself the best way possible. You know that others need to meet your standards; otherwise, they don’t get to be a part of your life.

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It’s possible that you can love yourself and still not see the signs. It can be difficult for some to be aware that toxic people exist. However,, if you know how much you mean to others in your life and what you are worth, you will be less likely to take on a relationship that is harmful to you or repeat negative patterns. Self-love is how we get out of toxic relationships, but it’s also how they never begin.

4. Know When Forgiveness Is Possible

There are times a person will prove their worth to you. They may make a mistake that makes them seem like a horrible person. They may forget to be good to you because of their own issues. They may just have no example of what a healthy relationship looks like. They may have an inflated ego that really comes from insecurity. The list goes on.

If they apologize, that’s a start. Look at their actions. Are they changing for the better because they really want to change or just seeming to in order to manipulate you? A person may control others with their image or perceived personality, but if you see through them, you may be able to discern the degree to which they are willing to be there for you.

If they start to do the right thing, you may begin to trust them again. Don’t start forgiving them until time has passed and you are sure there is growth, even if they show vulnerability or remorse. You can give a second chance if they truly have an awakening. Otherwise, it’s best to get out. Don’t let them walk all over you; let them walk out the door.

If you do give a second change and they still refuse to change, you have every right to remove them and continue the process of letting go of toxic people. The moment you even want to leave may also be a good time to get out. You don’t have to compromise yourself in order to care for them.

Forgiveness is the release of resentment or anger[3]. Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. You have to go back to the same relationship or accept the same harmful behaviors from someone. You don’t have to let them back in. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.

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Remember, forgiveness is ultimately for you, not them. You don’t need that person in your life in order to forgive them, and if you give them a second chance, proceed with caution.

Final Thoughts

Recognize the red flags, set boundaries, invest in yourself, and know when forgiveness is possible. This is how you cope with a toxic person impacting your life. You have power in the direction of your life and the people who accompany you as you move forward. Use it.

If a person is worthwhile, they will prove themselves through their actions, not their words. If they cross certain lines that really harm you, you owe them nothing. You have every right to feel what you feel and to be upset. Honor your feelings and communicate them because it’ll only continue to keep happening if you don’t.

If this is happening to you, it’s time to put a stop to it. It’s time to take control. It’s time to live for yourself, not for what others say about you. It’s time to set your standards higher than they’ve ever been before. And most of all, it’s time to let go.

Resource reminder: A physically abusive relationship is ALWAYS toxic. There are resources for you. Always speak up.

If you are in such a cycle or domestic violence or abuse reach out for help. For example, there is The National Domestic Violence Hotline (https://www.thehotline.org/) which can be reached at 1−800−799−7233. There are other ways to get help if you simply ask for it. 

More Tips on Letting Go of Toxic People

Featured photo credit: Hannah Busing via unsplash.com

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