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Why You Keep Getting Into Toxic Relationships (And How to Stop)

Why You Keep Getting Into Toxic Relationships (And How to Stop)

Although it seems like an unsolvable mystery, it’s not as complicated as it sounds.

Yes, there is an underlying pattern to always getting into toxic relationships, but in order to break this pattern, you must take a look at the bigger picture…

For example, you may end up getting into toxic relationships if you rush into the relationship and commit too soon before knowing the other person well enough, ignore the red flags, or are part of the vicious cycle.

But once again, you must take a look at the bigger picture. These simple points won’t help you understand the depth of the issue.

In this article, we will take a look at the underneath reasons, as well as the solution to this frustrating and persistent problem.

Case in point, there are two main reasons why we repeatedly end up in toxic relationships:

  1. A wrong concept of what a relationship must be
  2. Our own unresolved emotional conflict.

Both problems arise from that deep-seated, cultural aversion to deal with emotions… because we don’t know how to do it. But more on that later.

Let’s first take a look at why having a wrong concept of what relationships should be can send you to the wrong person’s arms.

A Wrong Concept of a Relationship

Think about it for a moment, how is it that toxic relationships evolve? From beginning to end.

My model goes as follows and you can see this patter in all toxic relationships:

First comes infatuation. We often base relationships on physicality. And once physical, sexual attraction is covered we have sufficient elements to start a romantic interaction.

With little knowledge of how the other person behaves in a serious relationship, we delve into the next phase of toxic relationships: The honeymoon phase.

Now, I am not saying that attraction and the honeymoon phase are in themselves toxic. No, they can be perfectly sane, but you will see how this gives room for the future toxicity to slip by unnoticed…

Phase two is the honeymoon phase, and here the usual is to overlook the toxicity. To hide traits of personality that we know may be a problem for the other…

But it’s all right! We’re “falling in love”, right? It is ok to hide undesirable aspects of ourselves. This is how love works.

Wrong!

Our whole social conditioning is wrong here, because, in stark contrast to what you may be thinking, love is rational. Of course, it is mainly emotional, but if we forget about the rational part, everything is lost.

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We allow toxic behaviors. We ignore the red flags… and all in the name of love.

But that’s part of the next phase. The honeymoon phase of idealization and omission is unsustainable. And so, the toxicity will start spilling over. That’s when the next phase begins…

The masks-off phase.

This is when, after feeling a certain security in the relationship, we allow the toxicity to show.

There is enough trust, we are more invested in the relationship and we no longer bother in hiding or concealing the toxicity.

As an example, this often happens after marriage to couples who don’t have enough experience with the other person in terms of coexistence.

But it can happen earlier and without necessarily being married. The important thing to remember is that it is a phase where the toxic partner starts pushing boundaries.

And lastly decay and separation.

You already know what that is: conflict, deterioration and eventual separation.

But what does this have to do with constantly getting into toxic relationships?

The fact that this whole model is wrong and you cannot rely on it.

This model is socially ‘normal’ and we think things must be this way. But you must reject it and instead, use a model that allows for honesty and transparency.

Instead of rushing into commitment after every light turns green (physical attraction, then honeymoon phase, then increased commitment), you must take your time to get to know the other person — to really know them deeply and honestly.

Step 1: Take your time to know the other person and never rush

Never follow the same “requirements” for a relationship.

If a successful honeymoon phase is enough for most, demand more of yourself and the relationship. Don’t deepen the commitment unless you know the honeymoon phase is over and still, the love is there.

Step 2: Never ignore the red flags

Or, to put it in better terms, to remember that love is rational.

If you ever find yourself justifying an unacceptable behavior, a harmful reaction, a damaging attitude… you are in front of a red flag. Don’t lie to yourself.

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If your relationship stays rational, if it stands the test of what a non-toxic relationship is… that’s good.

And you will realize you don’t need to rush. You can extend the period of knowing the other person for as long as you want, until you are convinced it is something you want.

This doesn’t mean you have to avoid feelings. Not at all, feel as much as you want, enjoy love to its fullest… but don’t call it love when it is hurting you.

That is not love. That’s just lying to yourself and fostering a toxic relationship.

Remember that it’s never late to end a relationship that is not good for you.

If you failed to see the red flags, if you rushed through the process and are now involved in a toxic relationship, take the step and end it.

Yes, there are cases when the relationship can be repaired, but honestly that is very rare.

It is much better to be patient and to get to know the other person fully before taking a step in the wrong direction with them.

In this day and age, we are in desperate need of honesty in all aspects.

That’s what you must ask of the other person… but how can you expect honesty? How will you know if the other person is transparent and honest?

You cannot know it. But the best thing you can do is to first bring that to the relationship.

Be the change you want to see may sound like a cliché, but it woks wonders in relationships.

That’s another thing that is wrong with how we conduct ourselves in relationships. We take honesty for granted. But in reality, people are flexible in this aspect.

Step 3: Remove the ambiguity

We assume the other will be honest and never talk about it. We never make a big deal of it.

And the same goes for love. Maybe honesty is there, but if love is not we can end up with an abusive partner.

The cornerstone of a healthy relationship is made of both love and honesty.

Love may be taken away at moments to condition or manipulate the other.

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And when dishonesty starts appearing, it does so in small ways. That’s part of the masks-off phase.

It starts as little things that can be overlooked. And where do you think this all ends?

Exactly! In tortuous and complicated relationships destined to failure!

What I mean with this is:

Make honesty a big deal. Make love a big deal.

And be the change. Be both loving and honest.

Be explicit about it, talk about how important honesty is for you and how you are going to bring it to the relationship and you expect the same thing from everyone around you.

Most, if not all, toxic behaviors depend on dishonesty, so if you go to the root of toxicity you leave no room for it in the relationship.

And now comes the real challenge: Dealing with our own unresolved emotional conflict.

Our Own Unresolved Emotional Conflict

As difficult as it may seem, you may very well be part of the problem. No, not as in “it’s your fault”, but more as in “be aware of where your actions and decisions lead you”.

I’ll explain:

Although it may seem like our inner conflict can only affect ourselves, it always, always ends up surfacing and affecting part of our external reality.

This subject is too complex to be dealt with here, as it all depends on personal experience.

But we can still talk about the pattern of your behavior that can lead you into toxic relationships.

Nobody likes to talk about this because responsibility is something we avoid, but if you want to have healthy relationships, this is a must.

We are talking about how unresolved emotional conflict will be “translated” into a toxic relationship. And the best way to talk about this is through real-world examples…

Think about this:

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If I had low self-esteem, I could more easily tolerate neglect and toxic behaviors. Because my inner voice would tell me “it’s not that bad” or that “I deserve it”…

But what if I was insecure instead?

Well, that could likely push me into the direction of a manipulator.

Someone who could easily play with my insecurities and just use me, with no love necessary for this happening…

And what if I confused drama with emotion?

Yep. I would end up involved with a person who equally likes drama. And this would not be a victim-abuser case. We would both be more or less responsible for the toxicity.

Like I said, this is more complex because it depends on your individual experience.

Still, this is something you must look into, because your inner conflict can, and most likely will end up reflecting in our relationships.

Either we tolerate toxicity because of our inner conflict, or we ourselves become part of the toxicity.

This is why it is often stated that one cannot love another if one doesn’t love oneself first.

Too few words if you ask me, but it’s true anyways.

If you’d like to learn more about how to love yourself, take a look at this article: Why Is It Okay To Love Yourself First

Summing It Up

If you want to have healthy relationships, you will follow the steps outlined in this article:

Don’t you ever rush. Take as long as you want to know the other person, making sure this goes beyond the honeymoon phase. See who they really are after the “spell” of the honeymoon phase.

Remember love is rational, and never ignore the red flags — Never. Doing so is just lying to yourself. If you see behaviors that should not be there don’t lie to yourself. You will not succeed at changing the other.

Make honesty and love the cornerstone of your relationship. Be outspoken about it. Don’t let ambiguity lead you into a toxic relationship. If any of the two are taken away… have the courage to end it, because it will just get worse.

And also, you will work on yourself.

Featured photo credit: Alice Donovan Rouse via unsplash.com

More by this author

George Alonso

Mental Health Expert, creator of the Transcendental Mindfulness Therapy.

Can a Dysfunctional Family Become Functional? Having an Emotional Breakdown? 15 Ways to Re-Center Yourself 9 Simple Mindfulness Exercises to Calm Your Mind How to Handle Relationship Fights to Connect Deeper with Your Partner Why You Keep Getting Into Toxic Relationships (And How to Stop)

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Last Updated on July 10, 2020

How to Reinvent Yourself and Change Your Life

How to Reinvent Yourself and Change Your Life

There will always be times in your life when you may need to learn how to reinvent yourself. This could come when you experience a big change, such as leaving your job, moving on from a relationship, transferring to a new home, or losing a loved one. If you are going through a major shift in your life, you may have to find new ways of thinking or doing things, or risk failing to reach your full potential.

“When something bad happens, you have three choices. You can let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.”

Many people who dared to leave their old unhappy lives enabled themselves to pursue their passions and find a renewed zest for living. You can also achieve the same if you take a leap of faith and make things happen for yourself.

To help you always be at your best wherever you may be in your life, here are some practical tips on how to reinvent yourself.

The Reinvention Checklist

Before embarking on a journey of self-reinvention, you need to make sure that you have everything that you need to make the trip bump-proof. These things include:

Resilience

Problems and obstacles are guaranteed to happen. Some of them will be difficult and may knock you off course; the important thing, however, is that you learn from these difficulties, never lose focus, and always get back up. This requires building resilience to get through the tough times.

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Support

Humans are social beings. Although it is important that you learn to rely on yourself when facing any challenge, it is also important to have a support team that you can lean on to give you a boost when things get too tough and to correct you when you’re making mistakes.

The key is to find the right balance between independence and dependence. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and share the difficulties you’re facing. When you open up, you’ll find the people who are really going to be there for you.

Self-Care

During the process of learning how to reinvent yourself, you will have to pull yourself away from your old comfort zones, habits, roles, and self-perceptions. This can be difficult and cause you to question your self-worth, so it’s important to engage in self-care to maintain a positive outlook and keep your mind and body healthy as you face the challenges that await you. Self-care can include:

  • Participating in a hobby you enjoy
  • Spending time with your support system
  • Taking some time to walk in nature
  • Practicing loving-kindness meditation

Find what works for you and what helps you feel like your true self as you seek a reinvented version of you.

How to Reinvent Yourself

Once you’re sure that you’re equipped with all the tools in the self-reinvention checklist, you can begin your journey of learning how to reinvent yourself.

1. Discover Your Strengths

This step provides valuable information on how you deal with certain situations. If you have this information, you will be able to manage difficulties more efficiently.

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To find out what your strengths are, you can ask your friends and colleagues for feedback, engage in self-reflection, or try these 10 Ways to Find Your Own Personal Strengths.

2. Plan

This step calls for a thorough assessment of your current emotional, psychological, and financial status so that you can develop plans that are realistic and practical.

It’s okay to have ambitious dreams, but your plans have to be realistic. Making use of SMART goals can help you plan your life better.

You can also consult your mentor or life coach for practical tips and advice.

Ultimately, you’ll want to create specific long-term and short-term goals that you can create milestones for. By doing this, you’ll lay out a specific roadmap to your reinvented self.

3. Try Things Out

Sometimes, we don’t know if solutions actually work until we try them out. This is why it is important to experiment whenever possible, especially if you’re dealing with a career change. You may need to simply experiment in order to find the things you like. This can be the same with hobbies. If you’re not sure what you would like doing, accept invitations from friends to join them in their favorite sport or take a class, like pottery or photography.

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By seeing what’s out there in any area of your life, you’ll have a better chance of finding the things you enjoy and the goals you want to create.

4. Manage Your Finances Well

Changes may require a bit of money. If you’re shifting to a new career, you may have to pay for training. If you’re going through a tough divorce or having a hard time dealing with the death of a loved one, you may have to pay for therapy. If you’re moving to a new home, you’ll definitely have to pay a whole lot of expenses.

All of these things are possible, but it will require a bit of money savviness as you learn how to reinvent yourself. If you have that cushion, you’ll feel more comfortable straying from your current path to try new things.

5. Muster Your Courage

Fears and self-doubt may arise when you encounter difficulties and setbacks. Sometimes, they may also come when you’re taking risks. You have to manage these negative emotions well and not allow them to discourage you. Tap into your courage and try doing at least one new thing each week to develop it.

Learn how to deal with your self-doubts to move forward in this article: How Self Doubt Keeps You Stuck (And How to Overcome It)

6. Use Your Support Group

As stated above, you need to build a strong support group before you even start the process of reinventing yourself. Your group will keep you from taking wrong turns and encourage you when you get too weighed down by problems. Don’t be afraid to call them, or even ask them out for coffee if you need to vent about the current difficulties you’re facing.

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7. Remind Yourself Every Day of Your Commitment

Write your goals on different-sized cards and scatter them at home and at work in places where you can easily see them. This way, you will constantly be reminded of where you want to be. Remember, writing down your goals helps them stick[1].

8. Accept Failure, Learn, and Resume Your Journey

Failing is normal, especially when we’re trying out something new. When you fail, simply recognize it, learn from it, and move on. Failure, in the end, is the best way to learn what does and doesn’t work, and you simply won’t be able to learn how to reinvent yourself if you don’t accept the inevitable failures that await you.

Final Thoughts

If you truly want to learn how to reinvent yourself and live the life you desire, take the advice above and start taking action. It will take time, patience, and plenty of effort to make the change you want happen, but it will be all worth it.

More Tips on How to Reinvent Yourself

Featured photo credit: Ashley Rich via unsplash.com

Reference

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