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Published on July 25, 2018

Look Forward to a Lifelong Bond with Marriage Advice from This Expert

Look Forward to a Lifelong Bond with Marriage Advice from This Expert

In order to make a long term relationship work, it takes figuring out how to live well in an equitable fashion.

Today’s egalitarian relationship are built on living the mundane moments with a sense of care and intentionality. Modern couples are often at a loss for how to infuse their daily lives with true meaning such that their marriage might last a lifetime.

I work on a daily basis with numerous couples who are working to figure out how to make love last. They each come in with similar stories about where they get stuck and how their love fades.

Each of them thinks that they might be the only ones going through what they are experiencing, yet they don’t realize that the next couple in the waiting room is likely experiencing very similar dynamics in their relationship.

Very few of us really know what goes on in the inside of the relationships of those around us.

We likely don’t even know half of the story of the relationship issues of those closest to us. Yet if we did, we might realize that we all struggle with very similar issues in our most intimate relationships:

Difficulty communicating, challenges in the bedroom, emotional distance, being let down by our partners and not knowing how to fight fair are just a few of the main issues that modern couples face.

I am in a privileged position, as a therapist, to hear what people’s lives and relationships are really like. It became clear to me that most people are unaware of what’s really happening in the inner lives of others.

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Most people are looking for tools to have more satisfying relationships, but are often stuck in blaming their partner rather than making changes themselves.

How I helped a couple with a fight about who does the dishes

I decided to write one of the couples I work with a letter and address their concerns from a recent session. That session focused on a fight about who does the dishes at home.

I’ve heard this sort of fight many times from couples. They argue about doing the dishes, and it becomes about much more than simply the act of getting the bowls and dishes clean. It becomes about an underlying dynamic in their relationship, and how power is distributed.

The letter to this couple is included in my book, You Are Not Crazy: Letters From Your Therapist (Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing, 2018) along with 50 or so other letters to individuals and couples. The letters are meant to help people feel less alone in their experience, and perhaps see therapy as an option for their personal growth and development.

The letter that follows is the letter to this couple fighting about the dishes. While their names and details of their situation have been changed, their story is a common one.

Perhaps their experience can teach us a little about how to create a romantic relationship that can last a lifetime.

A letter of marriage advice for all

Dear Alex and Jamie,

Our last session was the third time in the last two months that you have argued about who does the dishes at home.

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The latest episode was one in which Alex left a cereal bowl in the sink in the morning before heading off to work. Jamie, you reported seeing the bowl but did not wash it, even though you had some time to do so. Instead you waited to see if Alex was going to wash the bowl after coming home. That didn’t happen, so you let it sit there in the sink until the next morning to see if Alex would say anything. He didn’t, and that lead to an argument.

The cereal bowl in the sink was a symbol. It held tremendous meaning for you, Jamie. It was not just something that holds breakfast cereal; it became a test of who picks up after whom. The bowl became everything that is out of balance in this relationship and how you might take one another for granted.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people in therapy discuss who does the dishes. It is a very common conversation as it represents something foundational in family life. The home is where we come together to share meals. Buying food, cooking, setting the table, clearing it, and washing the dishes are all daily chores that go into a shared family life. Yet the division of household labor constantly gets well-meaning and loving couples into ongoing quarrels.

Doing dishes is the grunt work of mealtime. We speak about the joy of cooking, we watch cooking shows on television, and take great pride in preparing a healthy and hearty meal for our families. We also go to great lengths to savor food. We become foodies, try new restaurants, and revel in good company over a shared meal. Yet we do not celebrate the joy of doing dishes.

There is no dishwashing competition on television. We don’t see shows about adventurous hosts traveling the world in search of people doing dishes. No, the dishes are reserved as a chore. They take a back seat to the main event of the meal. Those who are left to tend to the dishes might also feel like they take a back seat.

Being charged with the grunt work of cleaning up after dinner might feel lower status than being the one preparing the food, and it certainly feels lower than those who are being served. The dishwasher can feel taken for granted and unappreciated, almost acting in a service capacity.

Jamie, when you saw Alex’s bowl in the sink, perhaps you felt that he was sending a message that you should wash it for him. Perhaps you felt taken for granted and in a service role. If that’s the case, then I can see how that would feel awful. The next day your argument escalated over this cereal bowl.

Alex, you felt Jamie was being ridiculous to get so upset about a bowl. In fact, you felt pretty hurt yourself that Jamie would wait to see if you would eventually wash the bowl and test you in this way.

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I know that this isn’t the type of environment in which you want to live. The argument stretched on for days and turned into extended periods of silence until you came to our couples counseling appointment.

Of course you know that this was not about the cereal bowl. The level of emotion and argumentativeness far surpassed the indiscretion of leaving a bowl in the sink for a day.

We need to understand what was brewing underneath the surface such that it boiled over during the cereal bowl incident. We need to look at why people get so upset about who does the dishes.

You are not alone in this scenario. Who does the dishes represents so much about the structure and dynamics of a family. Why do some people share the task of dishwashing while others split the tasks and relegate it to the person who did not cook?

In your relationship, Alex and Jamie, how is the division of household labor handled? We need to examine if you are holding any deeper resentments. I would suspect, Jamie, that you are carrying resentments about certain aspects of the relationship, and that they came pouring out when you saw Alex leave his bowl in the sink.

Often what will become illuminated for couples is that issues are buried deeper than they realize. There can be a displacement of relational emotions onto household duties.

Jamie, you have talked before about not feeling like a priority to Alex. You’ve described him as someone who tends to be more concerned about his own needs, and who neglects yours at various times. It is no wonder that in the aftermath of the cereal bowl incident, you brought up that he was not around for you when your mother was sick in the hospital.

Alex had no idea why you would bring that up, and became quite defensive. Yet if we look at it together, we can see that the deeper tides of neglect and lack of appreciation overflowed when the bowl was left in the sink.

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The bowl wasn’t causal; it was merely illuminating imbalances already existing in the relationship. It brought to the surface the problems in the marriage that you have not yet addressed.

Brave couples, such as you, are willing to look at times when a fight over the dishes turns into something bigger. They are open to investigating what the fight is telling them about their relationship.

This cereal bowl incident can be an opportunity for greater insight and connection. It can be a chance to better understand and care for each other. Once you start feeling one another’s enduring care, and once you feel less neglected, then you might see the cereal bowl differently.

It might just be a bowl. It would not carry the same meaning that it did the other day.

When that felt sense of care is present, you might not worry about who does the dishes. Instead you might actually volunteer to do them!

Fondly Yours,
David

Excerpt from You Are Not Crazy: Letters From Your Therapist by David Klow used with permission from Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing, Inc.

Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com

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David Klow

Marriage and Family Therapist and Author

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Last Updated on December 2, 2018

7 Public Speaking Techniques To Help Connect With Your Audience

7 Public Speaking Techniques To Help Connect With Your Audience

When giving a presentation or speech, you have to engage your audience effectively in order to truly get your point across. Unlike a written editorial or newsletter, your speech is fleeting; once you’ve said everything you set out to say, you don’t get a second chance to have your voice heard in that specific arena.

You need to make sure your audience hangs on to every word you say, from your introduction to your wrap-up. You can do so by:

1. Connecting them with each other

Picture your typical rock concert. What’s the first thing the singer says to the crowd after jumping out on stage? “Hello (insert city name here)!” Just acknowledging that he’s coherent enough to know where he is is enough for the audience to go wild and get into the show.

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It makes each individual feel as if they’re a part of something bigger. The same goes for any public speaking event. When an audience hears, “You’re all here because you care deeply about wildlife preservation,” it gives them a sense that they’re not just there to listen, but they’re there to connect with the like-minded people all around them.

2. Connect with their emotions

Speakers always try to get their audience emotionally involved in whatever topic they’re discussing. There are a variety of ways in which to do this, such as using statistics, stories, pictures or videos that really show the importance of the topic at hand.

For example, showing pictures of the aftermath of an accident related to drunk driving will certainly send a specific message to an audience of teenagers and young adults. While doing so might be emotionally nerve-racking to the crowd, it may be necessary to get your point across and engage them fully.

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3. Keep going back to the beginning

Revisit your theme throughout your presentation. Although you should give your audience the credit they deserve and know that they can follow along, linking back to your initial thesis can act as a subconscious reminder of why what you’re currently telling them is important.

On the other hand, if you simply mention your theme or the point of your speech at the beginning and never mention it again, it gives your audience the impression that it’s not really that important.

4. Link to your audience’s motivation

After you’ve acknowledged your audience’s common interests in being present, discuss their motivation for being there. Be specific. Using the previous example, if your audience clearly cares about wildlife preservation, discuss what can be done to help save endangered species’ from extinction.

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Don’t just give them cold, hard facts; use the facts to make a point that they can use to better themselves or the world in some way.

5. Entertain them

While not all speeches or presentations are meant to be entertaining in a comedic way, audiences will become thoroughly engaged in anecdotes that relate to the overall theme of the speech. We discussed appealing to emotions, and that’s exactly what a speaker sets out to do when he tells a story from his past or that of a well-known historical figure.

Speakers usually tell more than one story in order to show that the first one they told isn’t simply an anomaly, and that whatever outcome they’re attempting to prove will consistently reoccur, given certain circumstances.

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6. Appeal to loyalty

Just like the musician mentioning the town he’s playing in will get the audience ready to rock, speakers need to appeal to their audience’s loyalty to their country, company, product or cause. Show them how important it is that they’re present and listening to your speech by making your words hit home to each individual.

In doing so, the members of your audience will feel as if you’re speaking directly to them while you’re addressing the entire crowd.

7. Tell them the benefits of the presentation

Early on in your presentation, you should tell your audience exactly what they’ll learn, and exactly how they’ll learn it. Don’t expect them to listen if they don’t have clear-cut information to listen for. On the other hand, if they know what to listen for, they’ll be more apt to stay engaged throughout your entire presentation so they don’t miss anything.

Featured photo credit: Flickr via farm4.staticflickr.com

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