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Why the Happiest Family Is Never a Perfect Family

Why the Happiest Family Is Never a Perfect Family

With seemingly perfect family images plastered all over social media, people viewing these images online may begin to think that other families are perfect, while theirs is flawed. But there is no such thing as a perfect family.

People only portray the highlights and goodness of their family on the internet. Most don’t put their family ugliness and dysfunction on facebook for the world to see. But we all have that one friend who chooses to air their dirty laundry on social media on a fairly regular basis. This person is an exception to the rule.

People want others to only see the good things, because that is what they want to remember and highlight for the world to see. They aren’t out to deceive the world that they don’t have family issues, it is just that they don’t feel compelled to show the world the negatives in their lives. They are choosing to be selective in what they show the world.

Everyone needs to view social media with caution and the knowledge that there is no such thing as a perfect family. You may not know a family’s struggles, their flaws, or their personal issues, but they do exist in every family.

Dissatisfaction with one’s own family can develop when you compare yourself to the seemingly perfect images on social media; those images that are truly not showing the whole picture. There should be a disclaimer on social media that states “view with caution, as images can be deceptive with only the most perfect images shown”.

The family unit is a dynamic, ever changing, living organism. There are no perfect people on this planet, so families can never be perfect. However, there can be happiness in a family. There are several keys to making a family unit happy, functional, and loving. There are also some common mistakes to avoid, as these mistakes damage the structure, relationships, and harmony within the family. Below are some of the common mistakes to avoid and the keys for making a family loving and functional.

Little Things That Add up to Big Problems in a Family

Gossip

Gossip is talking about someone behind their back to another person. It is far too common in families and creates great dissension. If someone has a problem with a family member, they need to go to that family member directly for discussion of the problem. They should also talk to them in private. Bringing up an issue in front of other family members can be even more hurtful and it makes the person bringing up the issue seem insensitive.

Talking about fellow family members behind their back is hurtful, breaks down trust within the family, and is mean. Don’t be a meanie. Stop the gossip one person at a time beginning with yourself. If you have an issue with someone in the family, then approach them in private with compassion and an empathetic ear, wanting to truly help them. If the issue has nothing to do with your life or the function of the family, then perhaps you need to leave it alone.

The Blame Game

Problems exist in every family. The goal is to work through the problems, so you can enjoy life together. If people within a family are continually pointing fingers of blame regarding issues within the family, or even outside of the family, then there will not be peace. It is hard to like someone or get along with them if the person is negative toward you, putting you down, or telling you what is wrong with you.

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We all need to avoid the blame game. We all have flaws and idiosyncrasies. If you want others to accept your idiosyncrasies, then you need to accept their idiosyncrasies as well.

Unequal Treatment

Far too many families treat their children different from another. That may on the surface seem like a good statement, as we are all individuals needing individual treatment. When treatment from one child to another is unequal in that favoritism is exhibited, then things need to be changed. Parents should try to start the habit as early as possible, to treat their children equally, in regards to time, effort, gifts, etc. When treatments are not balanced equally, resentments develop between siblings. These resentments often carry into adulthood, as do the behaviors of unequal treatment.

Parents should think about their actions as conveying the message that one child is of more value over another when their treatments are skewed in favor of one child over another. No parent wants their child to feel unworthy or less than their other children, therefore equality in treatment is imperative.

Friends Before Family

In order for family to be defined as the most important support system in a person’s life, then family needs to come before friendships. This can be a hard reality for some, especially teenagers. However, parents need to set the tone for the policy that family comes first. If a teen is missing the nightly family dinners to hang out with their friends, they are missing out on crucial family time that will affect their development. The website “Barking Up The Wrong Tree” discussed how important family dinners are to children and the family unit. The following was stated in their article,[1]

A recent wave of research shows that children who eat dinner with their families are less likely to drink, smoke, do drugs, get pregnant, commit suicide, and develop eating disorders. Additional research found that children who enjoy family meals have larger vocabularies, better manners, healthier diets, and higher self-esteem.

Families need to make family time, especially dinner together a priority. Friendships must come secondary to family in order for a family to be a healthy and happy unit.

Too Busy for Family Time

We all have busy lives. Time for family needs to be carved out, scheduled, and made a priority. There also needs to be enough down time within a family so that natural interactions can occur. With most families having multiple children, lots of activities for each child, parents with jobs, friends, church activities, and more, there doesn’t seem much time at the end of the day for actual family time. If it isn’t scheduled or prioritized it more than likely will not happen on its own.

Don’t allow your family to become so busy you fail to interact with one another on a meaningful level each day. There needs to be enough time and space within your lives to allow for meaningful interactions, as well as time scheduled for family activities such as a vacations together, board game nights, meals together, etc.

Lying, Cheating, Abuse and Addictions

These factors all damage a family. Depending on the depth of the sin, it can either scar a family for life or it can divide a family forever. There is no such thing as one of these sins not changing a family. If a spouse cheats, it can easily lead to divorce. If addiction disrupts family holidays and gatherings, the family is negatively affected. If physical abuse exists in a family then there will never be full trust or complete love and acceptance of that abuser because of their behavior.

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Minimizing and/or eliminating lying, cheating, abuse, and addiction in our own lives not only benefits oneself, but the family as a whole. The behaviors of the individual have a ripple affect on family members. Some of those ripples come as waves because the behavior is so severe and life altering.

What to Do to Make an Imperfect Family Happy

Every human being on this planet is flawed. There is no such thing as a perfect person. Not even close. Choose to focus on the good.

Use the 80/20 rule as your guide. Imagine that each person has 80% good qualities and then there is that 20% that you think the person could change or improve in themselves. Choose to focus on that 80%. It is a huge percentage. Chose to allow the 20% to just be. Don’t criticize, nag, or harp on the 20%. Doing so won’t change them, because it hasn’t changed their heart. True change in a person comes when their heart is changed. Focus on the good and you will see that change may happen to that 20% over time because you are able to influence their heart by focusing on their good attributes and being a cheerleader for all that is positive in that person.

Negativity kills. Positivity is the breeding ground for hope, joy, and love. Focus on the good to be the positive light in your loved ones life. Even if they are completely driving you up the wall. Someday they may not be here, so cherish the positive aspects of that person now.

Understanding that no family is perfect is only the first step, then you should practice doing the followings to build happiness in your family:

Be a Family Cheerleader

There is enough competition out in the world that the family should not be an environment of competition. It should be the place where each family member is refueled and energized by their fellow family members, so that they can go out and take on the world. The world today is tough! The family and home need to be a haven of support, comfort, and encouragement. If a person can’t get that in their home, where will they get it? There are far too many people growing up to become broken adults because they did not have the positive encouragement and family support that they so desperately needed and craved.

Parents can be quick to criticize. Criticism can be damaging to a child’s self esteem and self worth. Imagine how much more empowered that child would be if each criticism was instead exchanged for an encouraging word from their parents or other family members? Words can carry the weight of the world. They have the power to tear down or to build up. When words come from a fellow family member, the words become even more powerful as they are taken to heart.

Be a builder of life and love in your family by using encouraging words. Carry this through not only with your children, but with your adult siblings, parents, and extended family. You will see family members begin to flourish because of your supportive words. You will also see relationships mended, and people healed simply by the power of the spoken word.

Be a cheerleader for your loved ones, as you would want the same for yourself. Be the example, and perhaps others will follow suite as well. Even if they never do, know that you are doing the right thing and are a builder of hope, positive energy, and encouragement to those around you.

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Practice Traditions

Traditions are an important part of family unity because they are shared experiences that create a bond between family members. These shared experiences create shared memories. They are often passed down from one generation to the next. Traditions do not need to be elaborate in order to be meaningful, but they do need to be established and practices. The lack of traditions creates a void, where meaningful family memories should be present. The Family Reunion Website explained what happens when traditions are not established within a family,[2]

Ironically enough, family traditions are founded regardless of whether or not you try. If a family does not purposely establish a family culture full of positive and meaningful rituals and routines, the plain lack thereof becomes that family’s tradition.

Practicing traditions as a family is a way of creating stronger bonds within the family. It also helps family members have shared life experiences that they can carry on to their own families and children in the future. Traditions have a way of making family members feel close because of the memories they have built over the years.

Cherish Memories and Talk about Them

Memories are powerful. Does your family talk about the positive memories or the negative memories? Choosing which to remember and discuss has an affect on the family.

Choose to remember and embrace the positive memories and you will have greater family harmony. Having family memories and talking about them are a way for family members to bond and remain bonded, even when living thousands or miles away or not being able to visit as often as desired. Shared experiences have a way of shaping our affection toward others. Serenity Hacker had the following to say about the benefit of memories and relationships,[3]

Memories, especially joyful ones, fortify relationships and increase their endurance, especially through difficult times

Celebrate the past and the people shared in your memories by reminiscing about the past with family. You will find that joy can be contagious Spread some joy the next time you are with your family by talking about shared joyful memories from childhood or the past.

Encourage Positive Sibling Relationships

Parents need to teach their children to love one another. Sibling love and care does not always come naturally or easily for every family.

The parents are the ones who will set the tone and expectation for how children are to interact. For example, if a Mom has two children who always argue and pick on one another and she simply chalks it up to “kids being kids” and never makes an attempt to have the children interact positively, then these children will more than likely grow up being adversaries rather than friends or allies.

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If a family wants to have relationships over the course of a lifetime, then the making of those relationships begins in childhood. Parents have a huge affect on their children’s relationships as they can help to shape and mold friendships, comraderies, love, and affection between their children or they can leave it up to the children and hope for the best. Unfortunately, most kids tend to be focused on themselves, so the love and care for others doesn’t come easily. It needs to be taught and molded.

Here is a useful article with tips on how parents can help their children create loving relationships with one another to last a lifetime: 12 Tips to Help Your Kids Create Loving Relationships With One Another That Will Last a Lifetime

Compassion, Understanding, Empathy, and Flexibility

Attitude is everything. How family members treat one another will set the tone for the family. If you want a loving family, then treat one another with compassion and understanding. If someone is going through a difficult time, be there to help your family member. If family can’t or won’t help family, then who will?

Be the family that supports their family members by loving them unconditionally. This means, putting yourself in the shoes of fellow family members so you can understand their plight. Be the listening ear and understanding heart when a family member is struggling or in need of support.

Family members need one another. It is very hurtful to have family members who turn their back on the suffering of fellow family members. Families who demonstrate compassion, understanding, and flexibility to one another have healthier and happier relationships.

Work on Issues by Properly Communicating

Issues are rarely resolved through yelling, screaming, or arguing. Family problems and issues are resolved when people choose to listen with an open heart and mind to the other party and then the issue is discussed using compassion.

Choosing to ignore a problem within a family allows the problem to fester. The sooner an issue is dealt with and discussed, the more likely it can be resolved. The longer a problem festers, the deeper the wounds within a family grow. Here is a helpful article on how to discuss tough topics with family members: How to Negotiate With Your Family Without Hurting the Relationship at All

Invest Time

Last but not least, invest time. If you don’t take the time now to invest into the lives of your children, they will be grown before you know it and you will miss out on the closeness that could have been. If you didn’t have a close relationship with the child when they were growing up, it becomes more difficult to create a closeness later in life.

Invest time and energy into your children while they are growing up, so that you create a bond that can last a lifetime. In doing so. This bond can help you and them weather the storms of life that they will surely encounter.

A Happy Family Does Not Need to Be Perfect

Don’t think that anyone has a perfect or even better family than you, because every family has problems and issues. Don’t let the perfect images on social media fool you. They are all flawed families. They all have problems. They all struggle to get along.

Focus on your own family and making the relationships work and you will be happier in the long run. Cherish your family. They are yours, so embrace them and make the relationships happier and more fruitful by following the tips discussed above.

Reference

[1] Barking Up The Wrong Tree: How to Have a Happy Family
[2] Family Reunion Success: Family Traditions
[3] Serenity Hacker: 7 Ways to Strengthen Relationships by Creating Lasting Memories

More by this author

Dr. Magdalena Battles

A Doctor of Psychology with specialties include children, family relationships, domestic violence, and sexual assault

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Last Updated on February 28, 2019

The Desire to Be Liked Will End You up Feeling More Rejected

The Desire to Be Liked Will End You up Feeling More Rejected

Admit it, you feel good when other people think you’re nice. Maybe you were complimented by a stranger saying that you had a nice outfit. You felt good about yourself and you were happy for the rest of the day.

    We all like to feel liked, whether by a stranger or a loved one. It makes you feel valued and that feeling can be addictive. But when the high wears off and you no longer have validation that someone thinks you’re a good, sweet person, you may feel insecure and lacking. While wanting others to like you isn’t in itself a bad thing, it can be like a disease when you feel that you constantly need to be liked by others.

    Humans are wired to want to be liked.

    It’s human nature to seek approval from others. In ancient times, we needed acceptance to survive. Humans are social animals and we need to bond with others and form a community to survive. If we are not liked by others, we will be left out.

    Babies are born to be cute and be liked by adults.

      The large rounded head, big forehead, large eyes, chubby cheeks, and a rounded body. Babies can’t survive without an adult taking care of them. It’s vital for adults to find babies lovely to pay attention to them and divert energy towards them.[1]

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      Recognitions have always been given by others.

        From the time you were a child, whether at school or at home, you have been receiving recognition from external parties. For instance, you received grades from teachers, and if you wanted something, you needed approval from your parents. We’ve learned to get what we want by catering to other people’s expectations. Maybe you wanted to get a higher grade in art so you’d be more attentive in art classes than others to impress your teacher. Your teacher would have a generally good impression on you and would likely to give you a higher grade.

        When you grow up, it’s no different. Perhaps you are desperate to get your work done so you do things that your manager would approve. Or maybe you try to impress your date by doing things they like but you don’t really like.

        Facebook and Instagram have only made things worse. People posting their photos and sharing about their life on Instagram just to feels so good to get more likes and attention.

        Being liked becomes essential to reaching desires.

          We start to get hyper focused on how others see us, and it’s easy to imagine having the spotlight on you at all time. People see you and they take an interest in you. This feels good. In turn, you start doing more things that bring you more attention. It’s all positive until you do something they don’t like and you receive criticism. When this happens, you spiral because you’ve lost the feeling of acceptance.

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          But the reality is this is all just perception. Humans, as a species, are selfish. We are all just looking at ourselves; we only perceive others are giving us their focus. Even for those who please others are actually focusing on making themselves feel good. It’s like an optical illusion for your ego.

            The desire to be liked is an endless chase.

              Aiming to please others in order to feel better will exhaust you because you can never catch up with others’ expectation.

              The ideal image will always change.

              It used to be ideal to have a fair weight, a little bit fat was totally acceptable. Then it’s ideal to be very slim. Recently we’ve seen “dad-bods” getting some positive attention. But this is already quickly changing. In fact, a recent article from Men’s Health asked 100 women if they would date a guy who had a dad-bod, about 50% of women claimed to not care either way, only 15% exclusively date men with a “dad bod”.[2]

              People’s expectations on you can be wrong.

              Most people put their expectations on others based on what’s right in the social norms, yet the social norms are created by humans in which 80% of them are just ordinary people according to the 80/20 rules.[3]

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              Think about it, every day, from the time you wake up to the time you go to sleep, you filter what you believe to be truth. If someone compliments you, you take it and add it to an idea of what the best version of yourself is. When someone criticizes you, even in a destructive way, you might accept it altogether, or add it to a list of things you’re insecure about. When you absorb the wrong opinion from others, you will either sabotage your self-esteem or overestimate yourself by accepting all the good compliments and stop growing; or accepting all the destructive criticisms and sabotage your own self-esteem and happiness.

              Others’ desires are not the same as yours.

                If you live your life as one long effort of trying to please other people, you will never be happy. You’re always going to rely on others to make you feel worth living. This leads to total confusion when it comes to your personal goals; when there’s no external recognition, you don’t know what to live for.

                The only person to please is yourself.

                  Think of others’ approval as fuel and think of yourself as a car. When that fuel runs out, you can’t function. This is not a healthy mindset.

                  In reality, we’re human and we can create our own fuel. You can feel good based on how much you like yourself. When you do things to make you like yourself more, you can start to see a big change in your opinion. For example, if being complimented by others made you feel good and accepted, look in the mirror and compliment yourself. Say what you wish others would say about you.

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                  Internal approval takes practice, but it’s worth the effort. You have to re-train your own mind. Think of the dog who knows there is food when the bell rings, the reflex is hard wired into the dog.[4] We need our own triggers to reinforce the habit of internal approval too. Recognize yourself every day instead of waiting for people to do it for you, check out in this article the steps to take to recognize your own achievements and gain empowerment: Don’t Wait for People to Praise You. Do It Yourself Every Single Day

                  Notice that when you start to focus on yourself and what to do to make yourself happy, others may criticize you. Since you’ve stopped trying to please others to meet their expectations, they may judge you for what you do. Be critical about what they say about you. They aren’t always right but so are you. Everyone has blind spots. Let go of biased and subjective comments but be humble and open to useful advice that will improve you.

                  Remember that you are worth it, every day. It will take time to stop relying on others to make you feel important and worth something, but the sooner you start trying, the happier and healthier you will be.

                  Featured photo credit: Annie Spratt via unsplash.com

                  Reference

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