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Why the Happiest Family Is Never a Perfect Family

Why the Happiest Family Is Never a Perfect Family

With seemingly perfect family images plastered all over social media, people viewing these images online may begin to think that other families are perfect, while theirs is flawed. But there is no such thing as a perfect family.

People only portray the highlights and goodness of their family on the internet. Most don’t put their family ugliness and dysfunction on facebook for the world to see. But we all have that one friend who chooses to air their dirty laundry on social media on a fairly regular basis. This person is an exception to the rule.

People want others to only see the good things, because that is what they want to remember and highlight for the world to see. They aren’t out to deceive the world that they don’t have family issues, it is just that they don’t feel compelled to show the world the negatives in their lives. They are choosing to be selective in what they show the world.

Everyone needs to view social media with caution and the knowledge that there is no such thing as a perfect family. You may not know a family’s struggles, their flaws, or their personal issues, but they do exist in every family.

Dissatisfaction with one’s own family can develop when you compare yourself to the seemingly perfect images on social media; those images that are truly not showing the whole picture. There should be a disclaimer on social media that states “view with caution, as images can be deceptive with only the most perfect images shown”.

The family unit is a dynamic, ever changing, living organism. There are no perfect people on this planet, so families can never be perfect. However, there can be happiness in a family. There are several keys to making a family unit happy, functional, and loving. There are also some common mistakes to avoid, as these mistakes damage the structure, relationships, and harmony within the family. Below are some of the common mistakes to avoid and the keys for making a family loving and functional.

Little Things That Add up to Big Problems in a Family

Gossip

Gossip is talking about someone behind their back to another person. It is far too common in families and creates great dissension. If someone has a problem with a family member, they need to go to that family member directly for discussion of the problem. They should also talk to them in private. Bringing up an issue in front of other family members can be even more hurtful and it makes the person bringing up the issue seem insensitive.

Talking about fellow family members behind their back is hurtful, breaks down trust within the family, and is mean. Don’t be a meanie. Stop the gossip one person at a time beginning with yourself. If you have an issue with someone in the family, then approach them in private with compassion and an empathetic ear, wanting to truly help them. If the issue has nothing to do with your life or the function of the family, then perhaps you need to leave it alone.

The Blame Game

Problems exist in every family. The goal is to work through the problems, so you can enjoy life together. If people within a family are continually pointing fingers of blame regarding issues within the family, or even outside of the family, then there will not be peace. It is hard to like someone or get along with them if the person is negative toward you, putting you down, or telling you what is wrong with you.

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We all need to avoid the blame game. We all have flaws and idiosyncrasies. If you want others to accept your idiosyncrasies, then you need to accept their idiosyncrasies as well.

Unequal Treatment

Far too many families treat their children different from another. That may on the surface seem like a good statement, as we are all individuals needing individual treatment. When treatment from one child to another is unequal in that favoritism is exhibited, then things need to be changed. Parents should try to start the habit as early as possible, to treat their children equally, in regards to time, effort, gifts, etc. When treatments are not balanced equally, resentments develop between siblings. These resentments often carry into adulthood, as do the behaviors of unequal treatment.

Parents should think about their actions as conveying the message that one child is of more value over another when their treatments are skewed in favor of one child over another. No parent wants their child to feel unworthy or less than their other children, therefore equality in treatment is imperative.

Friends Before Family

In order for family to be defined as the most important support system in a person’s life, then family needs to come before friendships. This can be a hard reality for some, especially teenagers. However, parents need to set the tone for the policy that family comes first. If a teen is missing the nightly family dinners to hang out with their friends, they are missing out on crucial family time that will affect their development. The website “Barking Up The Wrong Tree” discussed how important family dinners are to children and the family unit. The following was stated in their article,[1]

A recent wave of research shows that children who eat dinner with their families are less likely to drink, smoke, do drugs, get pregnant, commit suicide, and develop eating disorders. Additional research found that children who enjoy family meals have larger vocabularies, better manners, healthier diets, and higher self-esteem.

Families need to make family time, especially dinner together a priority. Friendships must come secondary to family in order for a family to be a healthy and happy unit.

Too Busy for Family Time

We all have busy lives. Time for family needs to be carved out, scheduled, and made a priority. There also needs to be enough down time within a family so that natural interactions can occur. With most families having multiple children, lots of activities for each child, parents with jobs, friends, church activities, and more, there doesn’t seem much time at the end of the day for actual family time. If it isn’t scheduled or prioritized it more than likely will not happen on its own.

Don’t allow your family to become so busy you fail to interact with one another on a meaningful level each day. There needs to be enough time and space within your lives to allow for meaningful interactions, as well as time scheduled for family activities such as a vacations together, board game nights, meals together, etc.

Lying, Cheating, Abuse and Addictions

These factors all damage a family. Depending on the depth of the sin, it can either scar a family for life or it can divide a family forever. There is no such thing as one of these sins not changing a family. If a spouse cheats, it can easily lead to divorce. If addiction disrupts family holidays and gatherings, the family is negatively affected. If physical abuse exists in a family then there will never be full trust or complete love and acceptance of that abuser because of their behavior.

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Minimizing and/or eliminating lying, cheating, abuse, and addiction in our own lives not only benefits oneself, but the family as a whole. The behaviors of the individual have a ripple affect on family members. Some of those ripples come as waves because the behavior is so severe and life altering.

What to Do to Make an Imperfect Family Happy

Every human being on this planet is flawed. There is no such thing as a perfect person. Not even close. Choose to focus on the good.

Use the 80/20 rule as your guide. Imagine that each person has 80% good qualities and then there is that 20% that you think the person could change or improve in themselves. Choose to focus on that 80%. It is a huge percentage. Chose to allow the 20% to just be. Don’t criticize, nag, or harp on the 20%. Doing so won’t change them, because it hasn’t changed their heart. True change in a person comes when their heart is changed. Focus on the good and you will see that change may happen to that 20% over time because you are able to influence their heart by focusing on their good attributes and being a cheerleader for all that is positive in that person.

Negativity kills. Positivity is the breeding ground for hope, joy, and love. Focus on the good to be the positive light in your loved ones life. Even if they are completely driving you up the wall. Someday they may not be here, so cherish the positive aspects of that person now.

Understanding that no family is perfect is only the first step, then you should practice doing the followings to build happiness in your family:

Be a Family Cheerleader

There is enough competition out in the world that the family should not be an environment of competition. It should be the place where each family member is refueled and energized by their fellow family members, so that they can go out and take on the world. The world today is tough! The family and home need to be a haven of support, comfort, and encouragement. If a person can’t get that in their home, where will they get it? There are far too many people growing up to become broken adults because they did not have the positive encouragement and family support that they so desperately needed and craved.

Parents can be quick to criticize. Criticism can be damaging to a child’s self esteem and self worth. Imagine how much more empowered that child would be if each criticism was instead exchanged for an encouraging word from their parents or other family members? Words can carry the weight of the world. They have the power to tear down or to build up. When words come from a fellow family member, the words become even more powerful as they are taken to heart.

Be a builder of life and love in your family by using encouraging words. Carry this through not only with your children, but with your adult siblings, parents, and extended family. You will see family members begin to flourish because of your supportive words. You will also see relationships mended, and people healed simply by the power of the spoken word.

Be a cheerleader for your loved ones, as you would want the same for yourself. Be the example, and perhaps others will follow suite as well. Even if they never do, know that you are doing the right thing and are a builder of hope, positive energy, and encouragement to those around you.

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Practice Traditions

Traditions are an important part of family unity because they are shared experiences that create a bond between family members. These shared experiences create shared memories. They are often passed down from one generation to the next. Traditions do not need to be elaborate in order to be meaningful, but they do need to be established and practices. The lack of traditions creates a void, where meaningful family memories should be present. The Family Reunion Website explained what happens when traditions are not established within a family,[2]

Ironically enough, family traditions are founded regardless of whether or not you try. If a family does not purposely establish a family culture full of positive and meaningful rituals and routines, the plain lack thereof becomes that family’s tradition.

Practicing traditions as a family is a way of creating stronger bonds within the family. It also helps family members have shared life experiences that they can carry on to their own families and children in the future. Traditions have a way of making family members feel close because of the memories they have built over the years.

Cherish Memories and Talk about Them

Memories are powerful. Does your family talk about the positive memories or the negative memories? Choosing which to remember and discuss has an affect on the family.

Choose to remember and embrace the positive memories and you will have greater family harmony. Having family memories and talking about them are a way for family members to bond and remain bonded, even when living thousands or miles away or not being able to visit as often as desired. Shared experiences have a way of shaping our affection toward others. Serenity Hacker had the following to say about the benefit of memories and relationships,[3]

Memories, especially joyful ones, fortify relationships and increase their endurance, especially through difficult times

Celebrate the past and the people shared in your memories by reminiscing about the past with family. You will find that joy can be contagious Spread some joy the next time you are with your family by talking about shared joyful memories from childhood or the past.

Encourage Positive Sibling Relationships

Parents need to teach their children to love one another. Sibling love and care does not always come naturally or easily for every family.

The parents are the ones who will set the tone and expectation for how children are to interact. For example, if a Mom has two children who always argue and pick on one another and she simply chalks it up to “kids being kids” and never makes an attempt to have the children interact positively, then these children will more than likely grow up being adversaries rather than friends or allies.

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If a family wants to have relationships over the course of a lifetime, then the making of those relationships begins in childhood. Parents have a huge affect on their children’s relationships as they can help to shape and mold friendships, comraderies, love, and affection between their children or they can leave it up to the children and hope for the best. Unfortunately, most kids tend to be focused on themselves, so the love and care for others doesn’t come easily. It needs to be taught and molded.

Here is a useful article with tips on how parents can help their children create loving relationships with one another to last a lifetime: 12 Tips to Help Your Kids Create Loving Relationships With One Another That Will Last a Lifetime

Compassion, Understanding, Empathy, and Flexibility

Attitude is everything. How family members treat one another will set the tone for the family. If you want a loving family, then treat one another with compassion and understanding. If someone is going through a difficult time, be there to help your family member. If family can’t or won’t help family, then who will?

Be the family that supports their family members by loving them unconditionally. This means, putting yourself in the shoes of fellow family members so you can understand their plight. Be the listening ear and understanding heart when a family member is struggling or in need of support.

Family members need one another. It is very hurtful to have family members who turn their back on the suffering of fellow family members. Families who demonstrate compassion, understanding, and flexibility to one another have healthier and happier relationships.

Work on Issues by Properly Communicating

Issues are rarely resolved through yelling, screaming, or arguing. Family problems and issues are resolved when people choose to listen with an open heart and mind to the other party and then the issue is discussed using compassion.

Choosing to ignore a problem within a family allows the problem to fester. The sooner an issue is dealt with and discussed, the more likely it can be resolved. The longer a problem festers, the deeper the wounds within a family grow. Here is a helpful article on how to discuss tough topics with family members: How to Negotiate With Your Family Without Hurting the Relationship at All

Invest Time

Last but not least, invest time. If you don’t take the time now to invest into the lives of your children, they will be grown before you know it and you will miss out on the closeness that could have been. If you didn’t have a close relationship with the child when they were growing up, it becomes more difficult to create a closeness later in life.

Invest time and energy into your children while they are growing up, so that you create a bond that can last a lifetime. In doing so. This bond can help you and them weather the storms of life that they will surely encounter.

A Happy Family Does Not Need to Be Perfect

Don’t think that anyone has a perfect or even better family than you, because every family has problems and issues. Don’t let the perfect images on social media fool you. They are all flawed families. They all have problems. They all struggle to get along.

Focus on your own family and making the relationships work and you will be happier in the long run. Cherish your family. They are yours, so embrace them and make the relationships happier and more fruitful by following the tips discussed above.

Reference

[1]Barking Up The Wrong Tree: How to Have a Happy Family
[2]Family Reunion Success: Family Traditions
[3]Serenity Hacker: 7 Ways to Strengthen Relationships by Creating Lasting Memories

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Dr. Magdalena Battles

A Doctor of Psychology with specialties include children, family relationships, domestic violence, and sexual assault

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Last Updated on November 5, 2018

8 Powerful Reasons to Love Your Enemies

8 Powerful Reasons to Love Your Enemies

We’ve all got our enemies; people who take pleasure in causing us pain and misery. Sometimes, the development of an enemy is due to certain differences in your characters and events have led to that. Other times, some people end up hating you for apparently no reason at all.

Regardless of how you got this enemy, as opposed to the paradigm of fighting fire with fire, consider the following reasons and see why you should actually appreciate your enemies. This article will show you not only how to not be bothered by your enemies, but how to actually foster love for them.

Read on to learn the secret.

1. It’s a practical lesson in anger management

To be honest, your enemies are the best people to help you understand your sense of anger management. When it might be true that your enemies have a way of bringing out the worst in you as regards anger, it is also true that they can help you in your quest to have that anger managed. You can’t get truly angry at someone you love and it is only in that time when you get truly annoyed that you learn how to manage it.

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Anger management is more effective when it is in practice and not in theory

Your enemies are like the therapists who you need, but actually don’t want. Inasmuch as you might want to hate them, they provide you an opportunity to control the anger impulse that you have.

2. It’s an opportunity for healthy competition

You might not know it, but your enemies make for great rivals as they help harness the competitor in you (sometimes, you might not even know or bee conversant with this competitive side until you come across an adversary). You get the right motivation to compete and this can go a long way to spur you to victory.

However, while doing so, it is also essential that you remember not to become a worse version of yourself while competing. Working against an adversary is tricky, and you need to ensure that you don’t cause harm to yourself or your morals in the process. Healthy competition is all you need to get out of this.

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3. Their negative comments can help you make a breakthrough

It is true that your enemies never really have much good to say about you. However, in as much as they might be talking out of a place of hate, there might be some truth to what they’re saying.

To wit, whenever you hear something mean or nasty from an enemy, you might want to take a step back and evaluate yourself. There is a chance that what this enemy is saying is true and coming to face that fact is a major step in helping you to become a better person overall. This is another testament to the fact that enemies can be therapists in their own way.

4. Enemies can also be powerful allies

Loving your enemies can also mean making an effort to interact and make peace with them. In the end, if you are able to establish some common ground and patch things up, you’ll have succeeded in making another friend. And who doesn’t need friends?

This can also help you in working with people in the long run. You get to hone your inter-personal skills, and that can be a big plus to your ledger.

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5. It gives you the ability to realize positivity

In a multitude of negativity, a speck of positivity always seems to find its way through.

Sometimes, a knowledge of the fact that you have enemies will also help you to focus on the many positives and good things that are in your life. A lot of times, we neglect what really matters in life. This can be due to being overly concerned with the enemies we have.

However, it is also possible for this acknowledgement to spur you to take a step back and appreciate the goo things (and people who surround you).

6. There might just be a misunderstanding

Sometimes, the reason why you have an enemy might be something very innocuous. You might not have known the cause of this fractured relationship and your enemy will help complete the picture.

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Simply approaching them will help you to understand the reason for the fracture. This, in turn, can help you to work towards healing your relationship moving forward. Misunderstandings happen, and you need to be able to work around them.

7. You learn to appreciate love as well

A constant reminder of the fact that there are enemies will also help you not to take those who love you for granted. Love and hate are two opposing emotions and it is possible for one to momentarily overshadow the other.

However, while you’ll always have enemies, there will also always be people who love you. These people need to be appreciated for what they do for you. Never let the hate projected to you from your enemies take the place of that.

8. Do you really need the hate?

The truth is that enemies bring only toxic emotions and generate bad reactions from you. If you’re truly to live a prosperous life, you can’t really be carrying all this baggage around.

Hate is bad and you should try all you can to get rid of it. It is a well-known fact that nobody can get really far in life while carrying a lot of emotional baggage. Well, hate is the biggest form of emotional baggage there is.

Featured photo credit: rawpixel via unsplash.com

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