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Last Updated on August 24, 2017

Asking a Girl Out Doesn’t Need To Be Hard, You Just Need To Know How

Asking a Girl Out Doesn’t Need To Be Hard, You Just Need To Know How

Tinder has revolutionized the way that we date. As of 2016, the app had 25 million users, 1.5 million of whom pay for it. There’s a clear demand for the service, and it represents a shift in how people date. Back in the day, we used to meet people first to decide whether we wanted to date them. Today, we’ve flipped this model on its head. We prefer to talk before we have an in-person meeting.

Date the real person, not the person she created using her phone

Starting a proper relationship requires so much more than typing into a chat box. You can’t stay in the chat room forever. If you want to make a real connection with someone, you have to be able to have a face to face meeting.

You can never truly know someone if your communication consists only online messages. People can easily fake their reactions or disguise their intentions through text. Think about how often people type “lol” without laughing out loud. Even worse, some individuals create fake online personas to swindle people.

When you meet someone in person, you can see their facial expressions, pick up on their tone of voice, and get a real sense of who they are. They won’t be as likely to fake a reaction, and you can see their response in real time.

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Being physically present with a person is an important part of building a relationship. Having physical interactions can confirm intimacy and attraction. Online dating can involve far too much fantasy. If you spend too much time chatting with a person online, you may build up unreasonable expectations about the person.

The bottom line is, you’re going to have to ask her out. You may feel nervous doing this, but simply asking her for a date is the first step in forming an authentic real-world connection. Asking someone out can seem difficult, but there are a few things that you can do to ensure that you succeed.

1. Pay attention to your conversation

Your instincts about a person and situation can be a powerful indicator of whether it’s time to take the relationship off the screen and into reality. You should have a good feeling about the person before you suggest a meeting.

Have you been talking for a while? Sometimes people go online to look for casual dates. Their attention-span might be short. If you’re interested in having a more serious relationship, you’ll only want to ask someone you’ve been talking to for a while. Having a few conversations online first will help you determine whether it is the right time to ask her out.

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If you’re having frequent conversations, you can determine a lot about the other person and choose your moment to ask for a date. If she seems to be hung up on her ex, or some of her responses don’t sit well with you, you may not want to ask her out.

On the other hand, if the girl seems genuinely interested in learning more about you, or if she’s indicated that she’s ready for a serious relationship, your chances of success are higher.[1] If you feel like you have a connection with this person, remember to take things slowly. Girls tend to avoid guys who seem insecure or clingy.

Does it seem like she shares some interests with you? If you’ve discussed ethical questions, do you agree with her philosophy. Knowing that you have a few things in common can make the prospect of asking her out less scary. Even if you go on the date and don’t feel a romantic connection, you may still gain a new friend.

2. Ask about her availability before you suggest an activity

You certainly don’t want to be rejected because you suggested an activity that doesn’t appeal to her. Imagine if you ask her to see a movie that she doesn’t want to see. She can just say she’s busy that day, and you may never get the chance to meet.

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See if she has some free time first. If she is interested, she will likely offer you some details about her schedule, and you can coordinate.[2] Then, if you suggest an activity and she isn’t interested, you can decide on something else together, but the date will still happen.

3. Talk about possible date topics

You might feel like you have no idea what this girl would like to do for a date. Discussing topics that could become dates is a great way to improve your odds. Talking about movies and food are great choices. You can learn a little bit more about her, and you’ll get some hints about the types of things she’s like to do.

When she shows interest in a particular topic, you can use that as a natural lead into asking her out on a date. You might invite her to watch the movie or offer to take her to a restaurant that she likes. This is one of the smoothest ways to ask a girl out.

Imagine that she has gone on at length about how much she loves ice cream. You know that the new Wonder Woman movie will be playing in the theater soon, but you haven’t seen it yet. Ask her if she’s seen it. If she says that she hasn’t, but would like to, then you could say something like, “I haven’t seen the film either, but I’d like to. Would you be interested in going to see it with me?” If she says yes, you can watch the film, and you’ll get brownie points if you take her for ice cream afterward.

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4. Make mental notes of things she has mentioned

This is one of the easiest ways to ask a girl out because you can use information that she’s given you to suggest something in which she’s interested. If you do this well, she’ll also see that you are a good listener.

In this case, you can suggest that you both go to a place she’s mentioned before. If she told you that she loves Mexican food from Guadalajara Grill, asking her if she’d like to go there with you isn’t too much of a stretch. In this case, you save yourself some worry because you already know that she likes the place.

You’ll never know if you never ask

Asking someone out can feel intimidating, but if you don’t give it a shot, you’ll be stuck sending her texts until she gets bored and moves on to someone brave enough to meet her in person. Yes, rejections do happen, but wouldn’t you rather be rejected early-on instead of devoting lots of time and energy to someone who isn’t interested in you? If someone rejects you, dust yourself off and find someone else. When one door closes, another one opens.

Stay positive, be yourself, and take the chance to meet the girl in person.

Reference

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Anna Chui

Communication Expert

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Published on July 13, 2018

Striving Towards Secure Attachment: How to Restructure Your Thoughts

Striving Towards Secure Attachment: How to Restructure Your Thoughts

What if you could discover some tools and methods that could improve your relationships? What if by gaining a little knowledge you could understand your relationship dynamics better and give them a boost up?

By learning what secure attachment is and how to restructure your thoughts, you can become more self-aware of your relationship dynamics. After becoming more aware, you can then take a few steps to make them better than ever. That’s something that many of us could benefit from.

When we hear the term secure attachment, our mind typically goes to a relationship. And that’s exactly what it’s about.

In this article I’ll discuss the concept of secure attachments in more detail and how restructuring your thoughts can help you strive towards achieving better relationships.

Relationships are a hugely important part of our lives and whatever we can do to improve them is a good thing for everyone involved.

What is attachment theory?

Let’s do a quick overview of what attachment theory is. This will provide a good foundation for the rest of this article.

The esteemed psychologist John Bowlby first coined the term attachment theory in the late 60’s. Bowlby studied early childhood conditioning extensively and what he found was very interesting.

His research showed that when a very young child has a strong attachment to a caregiver, it provides the child with a sense of security and foundation. On the other hand when there isn’t a secure attachment, the child will expend a lot more developmental energy looking for security and stability.

The child without the secure attachment tends to become more fearful, timid and slow to explore new situations or their environment.

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When a strong attachment is developed in a child, he or she will be inclined to be more adventurous and seek out new experiences because they feel more secure. They know that whoever is watching out for them will be there if needed.

Bowlby’s colleague, Mary Ainsworth, took the theory further. She did extensive studies around infant-parent separations and provided a more formal framework for the differing attachment styles.

How attachment develops

Simply put, attachment is an emotional bond with another person. Attachment doesn’t have to go both ways, it can be one person feeling attached to another without it being reciprocated. Most of the time, it works between two people to one degree or another.

Attachment begins at a very young age. Over the history of time, when children were able to maintain a closer proximity to a caregiver that provided for them, a strong attachment was formed.

The initial thought was that the ability to provide food or nourishment to a child was the primary driver of a strong attachment.

It was then discovered that the primary drivers of attachment proved to be the parent/caregivers responsiveness to the child as well as the ability to nurture that child in a variety of ways. Things such as support, care, sustenance, and protection are all components of nurturing a child.

In essence a child forms a strong attachment when they feel that their caregiver is accessible and attentive and there if they need them; that the parent/caregiver will be there for them. If the child does not feel that the caregiver is there to help them when needed, they experience anxiety.

Different types of attachments

In children, 4 types of attachment styles have been identified. They are as follows:

  • Secure attachment – This is primarily marked by discomfort or distress when separated from caregivers and joy and security when the caregiver is back around the child. Even though the child initially feels agitated when the caregiver is no longer around, they feel confident they will return. The return of the parent or caregiver is met with positive emotions, the child prefers parents to strangers.
  • Ambivalent attachment – These children become very distressed when the parent or caregiver leaves. They feel they can’t rely on their caregiver for support when the need arises. Even though a child with ambivalent attachment may be agitated or confused when reunited with a parent or caregiver, they will cling to them.
  • Avoidant attachment – These kids typically avoid parents or caregivers. When they have a choice of being with the parent or not, they don’t seem to care one way or the other. Research has shown that this may be the result of neglectful caregivers.
  • Disorganized attachment – These children display a mix of disoriented behavior towards their caregiver. They may want them sometimes and other times they don’t. This is sometimes thought to be linked to inconsistent behavior from the parent or caregiver.

What attachments mean to adults

So the big question is how does this affect us in adulthood? Intuitively it makes sense that as a child, if we have someone who will be there when we need them, we feel secure. And on the other end of the spectrum, if we aren’t sure someone’s going to provide what we need when we need it, we may become more anxious and fearful.

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As an adult, we tend to wind up in one of three primary attachment types based on our childhood experiences. These are secure, avoidant, and anxious. Technically, there is a fourth one, anxious-avoidant, but it is quite a bit less common. They are described as follows:

  • Secure – When you have a secure attachment, you are comfortable displaying interest and affection towards another person but you’re also fine being alone and independent. Secure types are less apt to obsess over a relationship gone sour and handle being rejected easier. Secure types also tend to be better than other types with not starting relationships with people that might not be the best partners. They cut off the relationship quicker when they see things in a potential partner they don’t like. Secure attachment people make up the majority of the attachment types.
  • Anxious – Folks who have an anxious attachment style typically need a lot of reassurance from their partners. They have a much harder time being on their own and single than the other styles and fall into bad relationships more often. The anxious style represent about 20% of the population. It’s been shown that if anxious attachment styles learn how to communicate their needs better and learn to date secure partners, they can move towards the secure attachment style.
  • Avoidant – Avoidant attachment style represents approximately 25% of the population as adults. Avoidants many times have the hardest time in a relationship because they have a difficult time finding satisfaction. In general, they are uncomfortable with close relationships and intimacy and are quite independent. They are the lone wolf type person.
  • Anxious-avoidant – The anxious-avoidant style is relatively rare. It is composed of conflicting styles – they want to be close but at the same time push people away. They do things that push the people they are closest to away. Many times there can be a higher risk of depression or other mental health issues.

Here’s where it gets really interesting:

Move towards secure attachment

The good news is that it is possible to move from one style to another. Specifically, it is possible to move towards a more secure attachment style.

Now as you might imagine, this is not an easy or a quick process. Like any type of big change where you are attempting to alter such a deeply ingrained mindset, it takes a strong will to accomplish.

The first step is developing an awareness of your attachment style. The next step is to have the desire and drive to move your attachment style towards the more secure style.

If someone with an anxious or avoidant style has a long term relationship with a secure type, the anxious or avoidant person can slowly get brought up more towards a secure style.

The opposite is also true, they could bring the secure person more towards their attachment style. Therefore, you have to be conscious of your type and if you want to move more towards secure, it takes persistence.

Therapy is an option as well. Anxious types many times need to work on their self-esteem, avoidants on their connection specifically and compassion.

How to restructure your thoughts

Ready for the way to do it? Here we go:

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For the Avoidant Style

As with any type of change on such a deep level, the first step is awareness. Realize you have an avoidant style and be aware of it as you have interactions with your partner(s).

Try to work towards a place of mutual support and giving/taking. Try to lessen your need for complete self-reliance. Allow your partner to do some things that make you a little uncomfortable that you would normally do yourself.

Don’t always focus on the imperfections of your partner. We all have them, remind yourself of that.

Make yourself a list of the qualities that your partner has that you are thankful for.

Look for a secure style partner if at all possible, they would be good for you to be with.

If you have a tendency to end relationships before they go too far, be aware of that and let it develop further.

Get into the habit of accepting and even instigating physical touch. Tell yourself that it’s good for you to have some intimacy. Intimacy can help you feel safe and secure.

And over time you can realize that it’s okay to rely on other people.

For the Anxious Style

For the anxious style, the #1 thing to work on is learning to communicate needs better. This is a huge issue for the anxious style.

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First and foremost if you communicate your needs more clearly, you will have less anxiety, that’s already a big win. This will also allow you to better assess if a potential partner is good for you.

Try to bring your feelings more to the surface and most importantly, share them with your partner. Remember that secure attachments typically communicate pretty well, this is what you are working towards.

For the Anxious-Avoidant Style

The anxious-avoidant is a very small percentage of the attachment styles. Since this type tends to be anxious in the relationship AND more or less a loner, the key here is working hard to be very self-aware of your actions.

Use the parts of striving towards secure attachment from the anxious tips and the avoidant restructuring of your thoughts to consciously work towards being more secure.

When you find yourself pushing someone away, ask why. If you feel worried that your partner is going to leave you, again, ask yourself where this is coming from. Have they shown you any reason to believe this? Many times there is no real evidence. In that case, allow yourself to calm down and try not to obsess over it.

For the Secure Style

Since the goal is to move towards a more secure attachment style, there isn’t much needed here as you might imagine.

Something to be aware of is being in a relationship just because it’s “okay”. Don’t stay if it’s not a good place for you and your partner. If your partner is of an anxious or avoidant attachment style, stay mindful to not start developing characteristics of those styles.

Strive towards Secure Attachment

As we wrap things up, you’ve probably developed a good idea of the benefits of secure attachment. If you don’t currently have a secure attachment style, here are some benefits of restructuring your thoughts more towards this style:

  • Positive self esteem and self image
  • Close and well adjusted relationships
  • Sense of security in self and the world
  • Ability to be independent as well as in relationships
  • Optimistic outlook on life and yourself
  • Strong coping skills and strategies for relationships and life
  • Trust in self and others
  • Close, intimate relationships
  • Strong determination and problem solving skills

If you are an anxious or avoidant style or the combination of anxious-avoidant, it is possible to move towards a secure attachment style.

It takes self-awareness, patience and a strong desire to get close to being secure but it can be done. You will find that putting the effort into it will provide you with more open, honest and satisfying relationships.

Featured photo credit: Pexels via pexels.com

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