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The Mindset and Techniques You Need to Become a Great Conversationalist

The Mindset and Techniques You Need to Become a Great Conversationalist

You're on a first date, and all is going smoothly until suddenly… you find yourself running out of things to say.

It's as if your mind has taken a siesta. However hard you try, you can't find the words that you'd like to say. And by the look on your potential partner's face – they're now thinking of making an excuse to leave!

Losing the ability to think and speak in social interactions can be highly embarrassing. If you've ever suffered from this problem, then read on to discover what you can do about it.

It Isn't That You Have Nothing to Say. Just You Set a Filter in Your Mind.

Conversation should flow freely between individuals.

It's normal to have one party talk more than the other, but if you find yourself stuck for words, then you've probably allowed a mental block to prevent you from expressing yourself.

Mental blocks (or filters) can hold back your conversational skills. They are the equivalent of a blockage in a water pipe. Without the blockage, water flows freely. With the blockage, water struggles to make it through to its destination.

Think about this: Do you believe that all conversations should be meaningful or interesting? If you do, then in your mind, you're probably always looking to shut down small talk and trivial chatter.

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Small talk may seem inane to you, but it's often the fuel that lights up deeper conversations. If you believe small talk to be foolish, then unconsciously you'll keep guessing how others judge your speech. This means you will be self-censoring everything you say.

While being aware of whether we talk too much is a good thing, if you find yourself struggling for words, then you've probably gone to the other extreme.

For example, you've gone along to a housewarming party, and most of the guests are strangers to you. You'd love to spark up a conversation, but you don't know where to begin. Your mind keeps telling you… Say something interesting. Sound intelligent. Be funny!

It's this type of intense mental pressure that can prevent you from speaking openly and spontaneously.

Perhaps you're worrying too much, however…

Don't Be Too Concerned About What You Say, as Your Words Will Soon Be Forgotten.

Most people have a tendency to think too much about themselves. They are overly conscious of what they wear, what they do, and what they say.

Let me ask you this question: Do you remember everything your friends said at lunch a few days ago?

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Probably not. But you don't need to worry.

The vast majority of people are prone to quickly forgetting day-to-day conversations. It's normal. If we had to remember every word that everyone ever spoke – our memory banks would be bursting at the seams!

Actually, it's good news that most conversations are swiftly forgotten. This means that we don't need to pay too much attention to what we say. Put another way, we can speak freely – without worrying whether we're saying the right things.

Of course, if you say something offensive, that will be remembered. (Please avoid this.) However, trivial and funny comments are likely to drift from people's minds like an unanchored boat.

When it comes to conversations, you should also consider that the other person may be struggling to find something to say. You can help them out by always having something to tell – even if it's frivolous. And by continually having plenty to say, you'll likely be regarded as a great conversationalist.

If you have nothing to say, people will remember you for this. And unfortunately, their impression of you is unlikely to be favorable.

Conversation Is Easy and Natural When You Use These 3 Techniques

Would you like to boost your conversational skills? If yes, then you're in the right place.

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Here are three techniques you can use to develop confident and free-flowing interpersonal communications.

1. Start with topics that everyone can contribute to

It's a terrible feeling discovering that others are finding your conversation boring or silly. However, it's usually not your conversation that is the problem – but your chosen topic.

Let's say you've gone to lunch for the first time with a work colleague. Before they have chance to initiate a conversation, you immediately begin talking about your young children, the school they go to, and the problems you have with some of their behavior. The disinterested look on your colleague's face tells a story. Namely, they don't have children of their own – and they don't find conversations about children interesting either.

A better approach to this scenario, is to ask open questions. Such as: Are you enjoying working here? Where did you work before? How's your commute?

These types of questions are much more engaging and relevant. And your colleague is sure to have plenty to say in response to each of them. You'll have an interesting conversation, without effort or struggle from either of you.

2. Remind yourself that communication is like playing table tennis

Questions are great for kick-starting conversations. However, just like in a game of table tennis (aka ping pong), the best conversations involve regular back and forth between the participants.

Table tennis also acts as a good illustration of what constitutes agreeable conversations. During a game, each player will try to use a variety of playing styles (e.g., blocks, loops and smashes). This keeps the game lively and challenging. Conversations should follow a similar pattern. For instance, try alternating your side of a conversation with: questions -> comments -> sharing.

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As an example for you, imagine that you've been forced to share a table with a stranger in a busy café. You're initially reluctant to talk, but the other person seems friendly and open to conversation.

You could start with a question: "Do you come here often?" Depending on their reply, you could comment: "Yes, I can see why. It's a great coffee shop." You could then move on to sharing something about yourself: "I'm actually just here to get a caffeine boost before my job interview at 10 a.m."

I'm sure you get the idea. Questions… comments… sharing.

3. Realize that you don't need to know a lot of things to be a great conversationalist

Nobody likes a know-it-all. These people can dominate conversations, and make other feel uneducated and second-class.

To be a great conversationalist, you don't need tons of facts, you just need good stories. And what are the best stories? Personal experiences that others can easily relate to.

For instance, most people would be interested in hearing you tell stories about your holiday to New York, Rome or Tokyo. Especially, if you were to reveal funny incidents, inspiring moments and cultural differences. You could talk about an amazing meal, a stunning view – or even just how expensive everything was!

One of the secrets to being a great storyteller, is to evoke an emotional response in your listeners. You can do this by talking about your feelings. You can also flavor your language with sights, smells, sounds and tastes.

Knowledge and facts can often fall on deaf ears, but feelings and emotions are common shared experiences. Whatever the topic, we can all relate to emotive stories.

Interpersonal communications can be fun, friendly and worthwhile, if you practice the above techniques. You'll boost your self-confidence, and others will begin to see you as an expert conversationalist.

More by this author

Craig J Todd

UK Writer who loves to use the power of words to inspire and motivate.

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Last Updated on June 25, 2019

100 Motivational Quotes That Will Guide You To Massive Success

100 Motivational Quotes That Will Guide You To Massive Success

Below are the 100 most motivational quotes ever. Read them and get motivated for success, and share this post to help your friends get success too!

1. All our dream can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them. – Walt Disney

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    2. Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude. – Zig Ziglar

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      3. The Man Who Has Confidence In Himself Gains The Confidence Of Others. – Hasidic Proverb

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        4. What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.– Napoleon Hill

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          5. For me, life is continuously being hungry. The meaning of life is not simply to exist, to survive, but to move ahead, to go up, to achieve, to conquer. – Arnold Schwarzenegger

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            6. What you seek is seeking you. – Rumi

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              7. It is never too late to be what you might have been. —George Eliot

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                8. Don’t worry about failure; you only have to be right once. —Drew Houston

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                  9. The successful warrior is the average man, with laser-like focus. – Bruce Lee

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                    10. I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. – Thomas Jefferson

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                      11. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. – Lao Tzu

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                        12.The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me. – Ayn Rand

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                          13. Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. – Mahatma Gandhi

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                            14. The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it. –  Jordan Belfort

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                              15. When you can’t change the direction of the wind, just adjust your sails. – H. Jackson Brown Jr

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                                16. Security Is Mostly A Superstition. Life Is Either A Daring Adventure Or Nothing. – Helen Keller

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                                  17. Identify your problems but give your power and energy to solutions. – Tony Robbins

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                                    18. We become what we think about most of the time, and that’s the strangest secret. – Earl Nightingale

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                                      19. Double down on whats working. Cut the rest. – Tai Lopez

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                                        20. The best revenge is massive success. – Frank Sinatra

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                                          21. Tough times never last, but tough people do. – Dr. Robert Schuller

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                                            22. Stop chasing the money and start chasing the passion. Tony Hsieh

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                                              23. I’ve been blessed to find people who are smarter than I am, and they help me to execute the vision I have. – Russell Simmons

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                                                24. The secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes. – Benjamin Disraeli

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                                                  25. Patience, persistence, and perspiration make an unbeatable combination for success. – Napoleon Hill

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                                                    26. If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much. – Jim Rohn

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                                                      27. People who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones that do. – Rob Siltanen

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                                                        28. Poor people have big TVs. Rich people have a big library. – Jim Rohn

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                                                          29. A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship. – John D. Rockefeller

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                                                            30. The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. – Walt Disney

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                                                              31. The biggest risk is not taking any risk. In a world that’s changing really quickly, the only strategy that is guaranteed to fail is not taking risks. – Mark Zuckerburg

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                                                                32. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do that the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. – Mark Twain

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                                                                  33. Everything you want is out there waiting for you to ask. Everything you want also wants you. But you have to take action to get it.”– Jack Canfield

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                                                                    34. If you don’t stand for something you’ll fall for anything. – Malcolm X

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                                                                      35. Nobody ever wrote down a plan to be broke, fat, lazy. or stupid. Those things are what happen when you don’t have a plan. – Larry Winget

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                                                                        36. Don’t let the fear of losing be greater than the excitement of winning. – Robert Kiyosaki

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                                                                          37. If you want to be successful, find someone who has achieved the results you want and copy what they do and you’ll achieve the same results. – Tony Robbins

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                                                                            38. Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly. – John F. Kennedy

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                                                                              39. Reading is to the mind, as exercise is to the body. – Brian Tracy

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                                                                                40. The best reason to start an organization is to make meaning; to create a product or service to make the world a better place. – Guy Kawasaki

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                                                                                  41.You must expect great things of yourself before you can do them. —Michael Jordan

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                                                                                    42. Don’t be afraid to give up the good to go for the great. – John D. Rockefeller

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                                                                                      43. Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping-stones to success. – Dale Carnegie

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                                                                                        44. The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself. – Mark Caine

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                                                                                          45. Someone is sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago. —Warren Buffett

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                                                                                            46. Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real, it is possible, it’s yours. – Ayr Rand

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                                                                                              47. If you are willing to do more than you are paid to do, eventually you will be paid to do more than you do. – Anonymous

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                                                                                                48. Make each day your masterpiece.  – John Wooden

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                                                                                                  49. You can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down and it has made all the difference in my life. – Steve Jobs

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                                                                                                    50. Knowing Is Not Enough; We Must Apply. Wishing Is Not Enough; We Must Do. – Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

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                                                                                                      51. If you don’t have a competitive advantage, don’t compete. – Jack Welch

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                                                                                                        52. People who succeed have momentum. The more they succeed, the more they want to succeed, and the more they find a way to succeed. Similarly, when someone is failing, the tendency is to get on a downward spiral that can even become a self-fulfilling prophecy. – Tony Robbins

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                                                                                                          53. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. – Wayne Gretzky

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                                                                                                            54. You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it. – Margaret Thatcher

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                                                                                                              55. If you want to make a permanent change, stop focusing on the size of your problems and start focusing on the size of you! – T. Harv Eker

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                                                                                                                56. Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it’s holy ground. There’s no greater investment. – Stephen Covey

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                                                                                                                  57. Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone. – Pablo Picasso

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                                                                                                                    58 – Doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment. – Oprah Winfrey

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                                                                                                                      59. I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don’t intend to waste any of mine. – Neil Armstrong

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                                                                                                                        60. A goal is a dream with a deadline. – Napoleon Hill

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                                                                                                                          61.You’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine. – John C. Maxwell

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                                                                                                                            62. The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate. – Oprah Winfrey

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                                                                                                                              63. The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. – Mark Twain

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                                                                                                                                64. Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is you who will get you where you want to go, no one else. – Les Brown

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                                                                                                                                  65. Amateurs sit and wait for inspiration, the rest of us just get up and go to work. – Stephen King

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                                                                                                                                    66. A strong, positive self-image is the best possible preparation for success. – Joyce Brothers

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                                                                                                                                      67. If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader. – John Quincy Adams

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                                                                                                                                        68. If you’re not stubborn, you’ll give up on experiments too soon. And if you’re not flexible, you’ll pound your head against the wall and you won’t see a different solution to a problem you’re trying to solve. – Jeff Bezos

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                                                                                                                                          69. Imagine Your Life Is Perfect In Every Respect; What Would It Look Like? – Brian Tracy

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                                                                                                                                            70. First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. Then you win. –  Mahatma Gandhi

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                                                                                                                                              71. Do one thing every day that scares you. – Eleanor Roosevelt

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                                                                                                                                                72. Successful and unsuccessful people do not vary greatly in their abilities. They vary in their desires to reach their potential. – John Maxwell

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                                                                                                                                                  73. It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop. – Confucius

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                                                                                                                                                    74. If you don’t build your dream, someone else will hire you to help them build theirs. – Dhirubhai Ambani

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                                                                                                                                                      75. A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him. – David Brinkley

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                                                                                                                                                        76. Learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your happiness. – Ayr Rand

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                                                                                                                                                          77. When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. – Alexander Graham Bell

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                                                                                                                                                            78. Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value. – Albert Einstein

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                                                                                                                                                              79. The number one reason people fail in life is because they listen to their friends, family, and neighbors. – Napoleon Hill

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                                                                                                                                                                80. Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people. – Eleanor Roosevelt

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                                                                                                                                                                  81. The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. – Franklin D. Roosevelt

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                                                                                                                                                                    82. If you are not willing to risk the usual, you will have to settle for the ordinary. – Jim Rohn

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                                                                                                                                                                      83. Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm. – Winston Churchill

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                                                                                                                                                                        84. The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. – Henry David Thoreau

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                                                                                                                                                                          85. Take one idea. Make that one idea your life – think of it, dream of it, and live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success that is the way great spiritual giants are produced. – Swami Vivekananda

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                                                                                                                                                                            86. Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right. – Henry Ford

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                                                                                                                                                                              87. It always seems impossible until it’s done. – Nelson Mandela

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                                                                                                                                                                                88. Be so good they can’t ignore you. – Steve Martin

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                                                                                                                                                                                  89. If you can’t fly, then run, if you can’t run, then walk, if you can’t walk, then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward. – Martin Luther King Jr.

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                                                                                                                                                                                    90. In the end, we only regret the chance we didn’t take – Lewis Carroll

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                                                                                                                                                                                      91. Don’t compare yourself with anyone in this world… if you do so, you are insulting yourself – Bill Gates

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                                                                                                                                                                                        92. Small daily improvements are the key to staggering long term results – Unknown

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                                                                                                                                                                                          93. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realise how close they were to success when they gave up. – Thomas Edison

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                                                                                                                                                                                            94. Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going – Jim Rohn

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                                                                                                                                                                                              95. The best way to predict the future is to create it – Peter Drucker

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                                                                                                                                                                                                96. It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up. – Vince Lombardi

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                                                                                                                                                                                                  97. The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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                                                                                                                                                                                                    98. Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today. – Will Rogers

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                                                                                                                                                                                                      99.You learn more from failure than from success. Don’t let it stop you. Failure builds character. – Unknown

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                                                                                                                                                                                                        100. Optimism is the one quality more associated with success and happiness than any other. – Brian Tracy

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                                                                                                                                                                                                          You made it to the end! Are you feeling motivated? Awesome, now share this post with your friends to help them achieve success too.

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