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Getting over Denial When the Truth Is Heartbreaking

Getting over Denial When the Truth Is Heartbreaking

Denial is part of being human. We deny things in an attempt to protect ourselves from the facts we refuse to face. We all do it at some point. We deny death, we deny that a relationship is over, we deny that we lied to a friend. Sometimes denial can be healthy; we deny the desire to stop working on a paper for school or a project for work by telling ourselves we aren’t tired – we can do it! But denial can also be dangerous. When we deny something to a point that it impacts our lives negatively (i.e. a toxic relationship, an unhealthy addiction), we set ourselves up for hardships.

When a loved one dies, the first stage of grief is denial. It makes sense, right? We refuse to believe they could really be gone. By failing to accept the truth, we allow ourselves to come to terms with the reality slowly. But once we get past the pain and shock, we can toughen up and start to accept what has happened.[1] But how do we get over denial when we don’t feel strong, or when the thing we are denying is something we have to face?

It can be challenging to accept reality when we feel we have an unfinished business.

If someone dies and we don’t get to say goodbye to them, or if we never got the closure we needed from a breakup before moving on to a new relationship, we can feel like something is missing.[2]

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Sometimes, the thing that’s missing doesn’t have to be something sentimental, like saying goodbye. In fact, we can experience denial when we didn’t get the chance to be angry with someone. Perhaps you find yourself denying a relationship has ended not because you still love that person, but because you never got to tell that person how angry they made you. Likewise, you could be angry that a parent died because of how the will was written, causing you to deny they are truly gone and there is nothing you can do.

Denial becomes a problem when we use it to avoid the negative emotions.

Though denial is a natural response to a challenging situation, it can be a bad thing if it’s used intentionally. If you deliberately use denial in order to avoid the emotions you are experiencing, you may be hindering the healing process.

In the book turned Netflix series, ’13 Reasons Why,’ a high school girl named Hannah has committed suicide. The show revolves around her parents and classmates struggling to understand why this happened. There’s a shocking scene that perfectly summarizes denial in which the girls’ parents are at dinner.(Spoiler ahead if you haven’t watched it!) Hannah’s mother strikes up a conversation with another patron, the mother of a little girl. The stranger asks if they have children. Hannah’s mother suddenly tells the woman that they have a daughter. She’s 17 and already looking at colleges. The husband looks confused, but she continues to discuss what her daughter may major in, and other elements of her life. At no point did she accept reality and explain that she had a daughter, but she passed away. It’s heartbreaking and tragic, but the husband was trying to cope. That’s why he was confused as to how his wife handled the question.

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The denial she was experiencing only caused the two to argue and break down. It didn’t help either of them. Though a fictional example, it’s an accurate one. Because Hannah’s mother didn’t know why her daughter killed herself, or even have the chance to talk her out of it or say goodbye, she couldn’t accept that she wasn’t coming back.

Moving on really is the only option no matter how hard it is.

As much as denial may seem like a safe way to protect yourself from the difficult truth, it just isn’t so. But knowing you need to overcome denial isn’t enough to, well, overcome it. In fact, when you realize you are forcing yourself to ignore the truth and refuse acceptance, you may find yourself even more overwhelmed and wondering where to begin. Like most instances where closure is needed, writing a letter you will never send can be helpful as an outlet. But there are other ways to face your denial and start living a better life.

While you obviously have to accept the situation for what it is and face that you are in denial, there are steps you can take to truly overcome those feelings and start to move on.

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Accept the anger you may be feeling.

If you’re denial comes with feelings of anger or extreme disappointment, it’s okay to feel those things! Know that your feelings are valid. Of course, this doesn’t mean you should go around punching walls and yelling at people, but you can scream. Go for a hike, climb a mountain, get somewhere where the only things to be bothered by sound is the wildlife and just let it out. Yell, scream, cry, and throw things if you have to. Until you release that anger, you won’t be able to positively interact with anyone, even if they aren’t the cause of those feelings in the first place.[3]

Simply knowing you’re in denial is not coping.

It’s not enough to accept you’re in denial. Sorry. While it’s the first step to overcoming it, you have to do the footwork. We already know the defense mechanism serves a purpose, but once you feel ready to vent to someone, you have to do it. Make sure when you are ready to talk, it’s with someone you trust to listen and be respectful. The things you are going through are valid, and you need to talk to someone who will know that.[4]

Don’t get caught up in the stages.

While denial is the first stage of grief, don’t get obsessed with following the stages. Everyone deals with things differently, and there’s a good chance you may find yourself skipping around. This doesn’t mean you aren’t actually coping or grieving “properly.” And if you’re trying to help someone grieve and get over their denial, you must stay patient. Even though we may not understand the time it has taken someone to accept a death or a different kind of loss, that person is dealing with it on their own level.[5]

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For reference, the stages are as follows:

  • Denial: A defense mechanism to deal with great sadness.
  • Anger: Frustration and helplessness associated with tragedy often results in feelings of anger.
  • Bargaining: You think you could have prevented it if you had just done [insert reason here].
  • Depression: Incredible sadness often comes along with grief as the pain of the tragedy begins to set in.
  • Acceptance: You will always feel some sadness, but you will begin to move on with your life.

You don’t have to be strong and you don’t have to forget.

Overcoming denial doesn’t mean you can’t feel. You’re allowed to cry and you’re allowed to move on with your life while still carrying that loss with you. There is no “right” way to feel pain or accept something life-changing. You will always carry the event in your heart, but you will overcome the feelings of anger and blame. Even though it’s hard and it will always hurt when you think about it, overcoming denial is the only way to regain control of your life.[6]

Along with allowing yourself to be patient as you face your denial, remember that whatever you are experiencing that caused you to feel that denial in the first place is valid. People can grieve for death, moving away from home, graduating or even changing jobs. If you are in pain or hurting, acknowledge that. There is no comparison of pain that you should measure yourself against. Your feelings matter, and so does your happiness. Overcome your denial to live in happiness.

Reference

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Last Updated on August 16, 2018

Narcissistic Personality: What Is It and How to Deal with a Narcissist?

Narcissistic Personality: What Is It and How to Deal with a Narcissist?

He asks you for your opinion, but only follows his own advice regardless of what you say.She loves to talk about herself, everything about her is just better than you.  When you try to share anything happy about yourself, she seriously doubts it.

If you know someone who acts like these examples, there’s a chance they might be a narcissist.

What is a narcissistic personality?

Narcissism is a spectrum personality disorder which most of us have.

In popular culture, narcissism is interpreted as a person who’s in love with themselves, more accurately, their idealized selves. Narcissists believe that they are too unique to be understood and that they are so good that they demand for admiration from others.

Psychologist Stephen Johnson writes that,[1]

the narcissist is someone who has buried his true self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) describes narcissistic personality as a personality disorder. It is a spectrum disorder, which means it exists on a continuum ranging from some narcissistic traits to the full-blown personality disorder.[2]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not very common, but the truth is, we all have some of the narcissistic traits.

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Traits of a narcissist:

  • They have a deep need for admiration and validation. They think they’re special and too unique to be understood.
  • They feel they are superior to other. They achieve more and know a lot more than you.
  • They do not show their vulnerabilities. They fear what others think of them and they want to remain superior in all situations.
  • They are unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. They want to be the centre of attention and believe that showing emotions is a sign of weakness.
  • They are skilled manipulators and are emotionally abusive. They know how to make use of their charm to take advantage of others to get what they want.

How are narcissists different from others?

Narcissism expert and the author of Narcissism in a Nutshell, Zari Ballard, tried to answer some common questions asked by non-narcissists about what a narcissist thinks and feels from a narcissist’s perspective.[3]

Do narcissists know they are narcissists and are they happy?

We could really care less about how others feel. We enjoy our so called cold existence. True narcissists don’t want to change. We feel in total control of our lives using this method.

Do narcissists know or understand right from wrong?

Narcissists know the difference between right and wrong because they understand cause and effect. There is no “guilty conscience” giving them a clue and they are displaying the symptom of being “indifferent to social norms” while most likely presenting as ‘cold-hearted.’

Narcissists have a very different thinking mechanism. They see things from a different perspective. Unlike non-narcissists and empaths, they don’t have much sympathy and are reluctant to show emotions to others.

Why do people become narcissists?

1. Narcissism is vulnerability taken to an extreme.

The root of a narcissistic personality is a strong resistance to feeling vulnerable with anyone.[4]

Narcissists refuse to put themselves in a position where they feel vulnerable. They fear that others will take advantage of their weaknesses, so they learn to camouflage their weaknesses by acting strong and powerful. The think showing emotions to others is a sign of weakness, so they learn to hide their emotions and act cold-hearted most of the times.

Narcissists live in a state of anxiety because they are highly aware of their emotions and how others think of them.

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Vulnerability aversion, is the root of a narcissistic personality.

2. A narcissistic personality could be a result of a wounded past.

Narcissists are desperate to seek validation constantly because they either didn’t feel worthwhile and valued in the past, or were being paid too much attention as the most precious and unique one in the world.

Faulty or inadequate parenting, for example a lack of limit setting, is believed to be a major cause, and both permissive and authoritarian styles of parenting have been found to promote narcissistic symptoms.[5]

Both parents who fail to see the worth in a child, and parents who spoil and give excessive praise to the child promote narcissism as the child grows. While the former ones make the child feel inferior of others and want to get more attention, the latter ones encourage an idealized-self in the child.

How to deal with a narcissist?

1. If someone close to you is a narcissist, embrace the differences.

There’re different personality types and not everyone will think and act the same as you do. Instead of trying to change others, learn to accept the differences and strike a balance when you really have to communicate with them.

2. Don’t try to change them, focus on your own needs.

Try to understand that narcissists are resistant to change, it’s more important for you to see who they really are, instead of who you want them to be. Focus on how you feel, and what you want yourself to be.

Embrace the fact that there’re different types of personality and the only thing you can control is your attitude and your own actions.

3. Recognize what they do only comes from their insecurity.

Narcissists are quite vulnerable deep inside, they question others because that’s how they can make themselves feel better.

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When you learn that what a narcissist does to you is nothing personal, but something that comes from their insecurity, you know that sometimes they just need a certain amount of reassurance.

This is especially important if the narcissist is someone you have to closely work with, or if they’re your family member. The right amount of reassurance can calm them down and get the tasks on hand completed.

4. Ask them what would others think instead of what’d others feel.[6]

Narcissists don’t feel guilty, but they care about how others think of them deep in their heart.

Clinical psychologist Al Bernstein explains:

There are just things, like other people’s feelings, that narcissists rarely consider. If you have their ear, don’t tell them how people might react; instead, ask probing questions. Narcissists are much more likely to act on ideas that they think they thought up themselves.

If you have to work with a narcissist closely, focus on the facts and ideas, not the emotions.

5. Let go of the need of getting a narcissist’s approval.

You’re not who a narcissist says you are. Don’t let their blame game undermine your self-esteem, and don’t argue with them just to defend what you believe is right.

There is no point arguing with a narcissist just to prove them wrong because they will not give in proving themselves right. It’s more likely that you’ll get more upset when they disagree with you in an unpleasant way.

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Know your own worth and detach from a narcissist’s opinion on you.

6. If a narcissist is hurting you, stay away from them.

Remember, a healthy relationship is two-sided. It’s about mutual respect and it’s based on give and take. But any kind of relationship with a narcissist is likely to be the contrary, it’s about making the narcissist happy and constantly supporting them. A relationship like this will only weigh you down and is unhealthy for your growth.

7. Set a boundary and always keep it.

If you’re setting a boundary, you have to be willing to keep it. When a narcissist sees that you’re trying to take back control of your life, they will try to test your limits, it’s just their instinct to do it.

Be prepared that your boundary will be challenged. Make your boundary clear, have all the actions needed to be taken in your mind.

For example, if you have decided to stop communicating with them, they will likely to show up in front of you just to talk to you. Be brave enough to keep your boundary, don’t back down and get close to them again; or else they will not take your boundary seriously any more.

8. Learn when to walk away.

When a narcissist starts to make you feel uncomfortable and doubt about yourself, it’s time to pick yourself up and give yourself enough respect to just walk away from them.

If you’re in love with a narcissist, you should seriously think about ending the relationship and move on for a better life. If the narcissist is your family member, you don’t have to be cruel to them, but it’s better to keep distance from them.

Reference

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