Advertising
Advertising

Chasing Happiness Is What Makes You Unhappy, Doing This Can Bring You Lasting Joy

Chasing Happiness Is What Makes You Unhappy, Doing This Can Bring You Lasting Joy

If you’re feeling unmotivated and aimless in life then you’re not alone. Happiness and fulfilment is probably the number one thing everyone is striving to achieve but we often end up chasing after what we believe will make us happy, adopting the mindset that we’ll be happy when we get that new job, relationship, house or car.

The problem is, chasing after these things to make us happy is essentially what’s making us unhappy. Most of the time the perfect life we create in our head isn’t truly what can bring a sense of fulfilment to us. What actually brings more lasting joy is the feeling of flow, contentment and fulfilment that is at the core of what we really want.

Advertising

Stop Chasing After What You Think Will Make You Happy

Like a lot of people, from an early age I felt I needed to carve a career path that would equal success, riches and recognition. The problem was, I never really knew what that meant for me. When we’re younger, status is important and society and parents can look down on those that don’t quite have their career plan sorted out – you can get this sense of pressure that if you don’t make the right choice, you’re some kind of failure.

I left university feeling lost and unable to figure out what I was destined to do. I made comparisons to my peers around me who had been ‘sensible’ and planned it out from the start, who were already on their journey to success.

Advertising

I got jobs that were successful in the eyes of those around me but to me, they felt soulless. I was making the money but I wasn’t happy. I felt like a zombie getting up to go to work, sitting in front of the computer and felt like I was getting no sense of excitement or flow. Clock-watching where half an hour felt like two hours was a common part of my day until after 5 years I couldn’t take it anymore.

Meaningfulness Comes From The Heart

Sometimes it takes the contrast of feeling sad, depressed, trapped and unfulfilled to really sit up and take notice of what will bring meaningful purpose. For me, I started to think about what fills me with excitement and that was travelling. On one hand, I felt shame for just jetting off and enjoying myself when I should be knuckling down and chained to a desk I hated, but I also needed to stay true to myself.

Advertising

I headed to China to teach English as a foreign language which blended what I loved with purpose. It was a million miles from what I had been doing but it suddenly opened my eyes to my buried creative side – the side that was where all my potential to be happy was hiding.

From that experience, I have travelled around the world, lived abroad in different countries working with children and through these experiences I almost fell into writing. But the reason I think this happened was because I was pursuing a journey from the heart rather than the head. In essence, I hadn’t really a clue where I was heading to in my career but I knew it felt good to me. Now I’ve found something that’s allowed me to experience flow, inspiration, creativity and purpose.

Advertising

What Is Meaningful To You?

A 20% increase in your salary? A promotion? These will only give you short-term happiness. What really brings happiness is the sense of meaning your days bring to you – it makes you feel good about yourself and allows you to create something of value. Value doesn’t have to be big and grand – it can be found in the smallest things you do.

Motivation creates choices that align with your ‘why’ and contemplating your why is the key to truly understanding and finding the meaning we are all searching for. Don’t chase happiness, let happiness find you when you’re not caught up in what you should be doing.

More by this author

Jenny Marchal

A passionate writer who loves sharing about positive psychology.

How To Celebrate Small Wins To Achieve Big Goals Success In Reaching Goals Is Determined By Mindset How To Overcome Self Imposed Limitations For Goal Setting To Reach Your Goals, Start With Planning For The Worst Why Setting Intrinsic Goals Can Make You Happier

Trending in Communication

1 How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them) 2 How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide) 3 The Hidden Power of Every Single Person Around You 4 The Purpose Of Friendship: The Only 4 Types Of Friends You Need In Life 5 14 Things That Make You Happy and Enjoy Life More

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Published on May 4, 2021

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

They say we are the average of the five persons we spend the most time with. For a minute, consider the people around you. Are they truly who your “tribe” should be or who you aspire to become in the future? Are they really genuine people who want to see you succeed? Or are they fake people who don’t really want to see you happy?

In this article, I’ll review why it is important to surround yourself with genuine individuals—the ones who care, bring something to our table, and first and foremost, who leave all fakeness behind.

How to Spot Fake People?

When you’ve been working in the helping professions for a while, spotting fake people gets a bit easier. There are some very clear signs that the person you are looking at is hiding something, acting somehow, or simply wanting to get somewhere. Most often, there is a secondary gain—perhaps attention, sympathy, or even a promotion.

Whatever it is, you’re better off working their true agenda and staying the hell away. Here are some things you should look out for to help spot fake people.

1. Full of Themselves

Fake people like to show off. They love looking at themselves in the mirror. They collect photos and videos of every single achievement they had and every part of their body and claim to be the “best at what they do.”

Most of these people are actually not that good in real life. But they act like they are and ensure that they appear better than the next person. The issue for you is that you may find yourself always feeling “beneath” them and irritated at their constant need to be in the spotlight.

2. Murky in Expressing Their Emotions

Have you ever tried having a deep and meaningful conversation with a fake person? It’s almost impossible. It’s because they have limited emotional intelligence and don’t know how they truly feel deep down—and partly because they don’t want to have their true emotions exposed, no matter how normal these might be.

Advertising

It’s much harder to say “I’m the best at what I do” while simultaneously sharing “average” emotions with “equal” people.

3. Zero Self-Reflection

To grow, we must accept feedback from others. We must be open to our strengths and to our weaknesses. We must accept that we all come in different shapes and can always improve.

Self-reflection requires us to think, forgive, admit fault, and learn from our mistakes. But to do that, we have to be able to adopt a level of genuineness and depth that fake people don’t routinely have. A fake person generally never apologizes, but when they do, it is often followed with a “but” in the next breath.

4. Unrealistic Perceptions

Fake people most often have an unrealistic perception of the world—things that they want to portray to others (pseudo achievements, materialistic gains, or a made-up sense of happiness) or simply how they genuinely regard life outside themselves.

A lot of fake people hide pain, shame, and other underlying reasons in their behavior. This could explain why they can’t be authentic and/or have difficulties seeing their environment for the way it objectively is (both good and bad).

5. Love Attention

As I mentioned earlier, the biggest sign that something isn’t quite right with someone’s behavior can be established by how much they love attention. Are you being interrupted every time you speak by someone who wants to make sure that the spotlight gets reverted back to them? Is the focus always on them, no matter the topic? If yes, you’re probably dealing with a fake person.

6. People Pleaser

Appreciation feels nice but having everyone like you is even better. While it is completely unrealistic for most people to please everyone all the time, fake people seem to always say yes in pursuit of constant approval.

Advertising

Now, this is a problem for two reasons. Firstly, these people are simply saying yes to things for their own satisfaction. Secondly, they often end up changing their minds or retracting their offer for one reason or another (“I would have loved to, but my grandmother suddenly fell ill.”), leaving you in the lurch for the 100th time this year.

7. Sarcasm and Cynicism

Behind the chronic pasted smile, fake people are well known for brewing resentment, jealousy, or anger. This is because, behind the postcard life, they are often unhappy. Sarcasm and cynicism are well known to act as a defense mechanism, sometimes even a diversion—anything so they can remain feeling on top of the world, whether it is through boosting themselves or bringing people down.

8. Crappy friend

Fake people are bad friends. They don’t listen to you, your feelings, and whatever news you might have to share. In fact, you might find yourself migrating away from them when you have exciting or bad news to share, knowing that it will always end up one way—their way. In addition, you might find that they’re not available when you truly need them or worse, cancel plans at the last minute.

It’s not unusual to hear that a fake person talks constantly behind people’s backs. Let’s be honest, if they do it to others, they’re doing it to you too. If your “friend” makes you feel bad constantly, trust me, they’re not achieving their purpose, and they’re simply not a good person to have around.

The sooner you learn to spot these fake people, the sooner you can meet meaningful individuals again.

How to Cope With Fake People Moving Forward?

It is important to remind yourself that you deserve more than what you’re getting. You are worthy, valuable, precious, and just as important as the next person.

There are many ways to manage fake people. Here are some tips on how to deal with them.

Advertising

1. Boundaries

Keep your boundaries very clear. As explained in the book Unlock Your Resilience, boundaries are what keep you sane when the world tries to suffocate you. When fake people become emotional vampires, make sure to keep your distances, limit contact, and simply replace them with more valuable interactions.

2. Don’t Take Their Behavior Personally

Sadly, they most likely have behaved this way before they knew you and will continue much longer after you have moved on. It isn’t about you. It is about their inner need to meet a void that you are not responsible for. And in all honesty, unless you are a trained professional, you are unlikely to improve it anyway.

3. Be Upfront and Honest About How You Feel

If your “friend” has been hurtful or engaged in behaviors you struggle with, let them know—nicely, firmly, however you want, but let them know that they are affecting you. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, you’ll feel better and when you’re ready to move on, you’ll know you tried to reach out. Your conscience is clear.

4. Ask for Advice

If you’re unsure about what you’re seeing or feeling, ask for advice. Perhaps a relative, a good friend, or a colleague might have some input as to whether you are overreacting or seeing some genuine concerns.

Now, don’t confuse asking for advice with gossiping behind the fake person’s back because, in the end, you don’t want to stoop down to their level. However, a little reminder as to how to stay on your own wellness track can never hurt.

5. Dig Deeper

Now, this one, I offer with caution. If you are emotionally strong, up to it, guaranteed you won’t get sucked into it, and have the skills to manage, perhaps you could dig into the reasons a fake person is acting the way they do.

Have they suffered recent trauma? Have they been rejected all their lives? Is their self-esteem so low that they must resort to making themselves feel good in any way they can? Sometimes, having an understanding of a person’s behavior can help in processing it.

Advertising

6. Practice Self-Care!

Clearly, putting some distance between the fake person and yourself is probably the way to go. However, sometimes, it takes time to get there. In the meantime, make sure to practice self-care, be gentle with yourself, and compensate with lots of positives!

Self-care can be as simple as taking a hot shower after talking to them or declining an invitation when you’re not feeling up to the challenge.

Spotting fake people isn’t too hard. They generally glow with wanna-be vibes. However, most often, there are reasons as to why they are like this. Calling their behavior might be the first step. Providing them with support might be the second. But if these don’t work, it’s time to stay away and surround yourself with the positivity that you deserve.

Final Thoughts

Remember that life is a rollercoaster. It has good moments, tough moments, and moments you wouldn’t change for the world. So, look around and make sure that you take the time to choose the right people to share it all with.

We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with, so take a good look around and choose wisely!

More Tips on Dealing With Fake People

Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com

Read Next