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After Practicing Mindfulness Instead Of Yelling At Your Kids, These 5 Incredible Things Happen

After Practicing Mindfulness Instead Of Yelling At Your Kids, These 5 Incredible Things Happen

If you are a parent, it is inevitable that you have–at some point in time–yelled at your child. It’s actually quite common for parents to respond to a child’s unwanted behavior negatively. If your parents were yellers–the likelihood of you inheriting the yelling trait is tripled.

Most of us are aware that screaming at kids is bad and most of us would love to stop–but kids can really push and push and PUSH until you find yourself hollering at the top of your lungs in frustration. You then feel guilty, drained and a bit frustrated once the moment has passed. Successful parenting does not involve yelling.

So how do we stop?

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Successful parenting is mindful parenting

In order to change behavior and create new habits you must first raise your level of awareness–or more simply–become more mindful, observant and introspective.

The first thing you must understand and truly internalize is that yelling at kids is ineffective at best and abusive at worst. In fact, this topic has been researched exhaustively by child psychologists. A study published in 2003 in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that in families where there are over 25 yelling incidents in a 12 month period, children are more at risk of developing lowered self-esteem, an increase in aggression toward others and higher rates of depression.

Researchers did note that the kind of yelling categorized as verbal or emotional abuse is more than simply shouting at your kids. It’s a constant form of “psychological aggression,” and often escalates to insults or words of humiliation. Considering how often parents can lose their temper—for some of us, it’s way more than twice a month—these findings are a good reason to cut out the bad communication habits and begin to practice being actively mindful of your responses to inappropriate behavior.

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It is important to understand that successful parenting focuses on providing long term solutions versuses short term fixes. Yelling only yields short term results. Here are a few additional reasons you may want to rethink yelling:

  • Yelling teaches your child that you are only serious when you raise your voice.
  • Yelling escalates the child and incites the fight (they begin yelling as well and a shouting match ensues) or flight (they withdraw) response in your child.
  • Yelling at your child teaches them to yell when they are angry or frustrated

Results of practicing mindful parenting

1. You become more patient and gain self control

Unless your child is in immediate peril–he or she is attempting to stick scissors in a light socket–before you say a word, pause and breathe. Breathe in deeply through your nose and force the breath out through your mouth. This one simple act gives you a chance to regain control of yourself, it slows your breathing and heart rate down and it bathes your brain in oxygen allowing you to think more clearly. Become mindful–in that moment–of what you should say and how you should approach the situation. Remember–long term solutions not a short term fix.

2. You will learn how to address the inappropriate behavior and not your child

Attack the behavior, not the child. This is mindfulness at it’s finest. This step involves explaining to the child why the exhibited behavior is inappropriate and what they should do instead. Addressing the behavior can involve a punishment but it doesn’t always have to. Successful parenting takes into account the individual child’s needs, personality and temperament. This will help you be more in tune with who your child is on a deeper level and lead to a deeper connection.

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3. You teach your child how they should act through your reaction

Before you respond (during your pausing and breathing phase) ask yourself, is this how I want my child to respond to others? Children do what you do more than they do what you say. They will emulate your actions–good and bad. Mindfulness reminds you that you are the ultimate model for appropriate behavior.

4. You will be able to establish clear rules and clear consequences for your child

This will go along way in curbing all of the screaming and frustration. By setting clear rules with consequences you help curb the “knee jerk” reaction of overreacting and over-punishing. When you and your child know the rules and the associated consequences the expectations are clear and your frustration level will be lowered. This is however, a very active process. Rules have to be set and reset periodically. Another way to greatly increase the effectiveness of rule and consequence enforcement is writing them down and posting them in your child’s space.

5. Mindfulness allows you to regroup and recommit when you do flip out

At the end of the day–when all is said and done–you will still lose your cool occasionally. It is going to happen. Mindfulness allows you to accept it, regroup and recommit to the process. If an apology is in order, apologize. Mindfulness allows you to take some time to reflect and figure out why it happened and what, if anything, you need to adjust to decrease the likelihood of it reoccurring.

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In the end, successful parenting begins with being more mindful and aware as a parent. It teaches you to become more calm and helps you to behave better. And when you behave better, your kids will too.

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Denise Hill

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Published on January 30, 2019

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

In roughly 60 percent of two-parent households with children under the age of 18, both parents work full time. But who takes time off work when the kids are sick in your house? And if you are a manager, how do you react when a man says he needs time to take his baby to the pediatrician?

The sad truth is, the default in many companies and families is to value the man’s work over the woman’s—even when there is no significant difference in their professional obligations or compensation. This translates into stereotypes in the workplace that women are the primary caregivers, which can negatively impact women’s success on the job and their upward mobility.

According to a Pew Research Center analysis of long-term time-use data (1965–2011), fathers in dual-income couples devote significantly less time than mothers do to child care.[1] Dads are doing more than twice as much housework as they used to (from an average of about four hours per week to about 10 hours), but there is still a significant imbalance.

This is not just an issue between spouses; it’s a workplace culture issue. In many offices, it is still taboo for dads to openly express that they have family obligations that need their attention. In contrast, the assumption that moms will be on the front lines of any family crisis is one that runs deep.

Consider an example from my company. A few years back, one of our team members joined us for an off-site meeting soon after returning from maternity leave. Not even two hours into her trip, her husband called to say that the baby had been crying nonstop. While there was little our colleague could practically do to help with the situation, this call was clearly unsettling, and the result was that her attention was divided for the rest of an important business dinner.

This was her first night away since the baby’s birth, and I know that her spouse had already been on several business trips before this event. Yet, I doubt she called him during his conferences to ask child-care questions. Like so many moms everywhere, she was expected to figure things out on her own.

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The numbers show that this story is far from the exception. In another Pew survey, 47 percent of dual-income parents agreed that the moms take on more of the work when a child gets sick.[2] In addition, 39 percent of working mothers said they had taken a significant amount of time off from work to care for their child compared to just 24 percent of working fathers. Mothers are also more likely than fathers (27 percent to 10 percent) to say they had quit their job at some point for family reasons.

Before any amazing stay-at-home-dads post an angry rebuttal comment, I want to be very clear that I am not judging how families choose to divide and conquer their personal and professional responsibilities; that’s 100 percent their prerogative. Rather, I am taking aim at the culture of inequity that persists even when spouses have similar or identical professional responsibilities. This is an important issue for all of us because we are leaving untapped business and human potential on the table.

What’s more, I think my fellow men can do a lot about this. For those out there who still privately think that being a good dad just means helping out mom, it’s time to man up. Stop expecting working partners—who have similar professional responsibilities—to bear the majority of the child-care responsibilities as well.

Consider these ways to support your working spouse:

1. Have higher expectations for yourself as a father; you are a parent, not a babysitter.

Know who your pediatrician is and how to reach him or her. Have a back-up plan for transportation and emergency coverage.

Don’t simply expect your partner to manage all these invisible tasks on her own. Parenting takes effort and preparation for the unexpected.

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As in other areas of life, the way to build confidence is to learn by doing. Moms aren’t born knowing how to do this stuff any more than dads are.

2. Treat your partner the way you’d want to be treated.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard a man on a business trip say to his wife on a call something to the effect of, “I am in the middle of a meeting. What do you want me to do about it?”

However, when the tables are turned, men often make that same call at the first sign of trouble.

Distractions like this make it difficult to focus and engage with work, which perpetuates the stereotype that working moms aren’t sufficiently committed.

When you’re in charge of the kids, do what she would do: Figure it out.

3. When you need to take care of your kids, don’t make an excuse that revolves around your partner’s availability.

This implies that the children are her first priority and your second.

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I admit I have been guilty in the past of telling clients, “I have the kids today because my wife had something she could not move.” What I should have said was, “I’m taking care of my kids today.”

Why is it so hard for men to admit they have personal responsibilities? Remember that you are setting an example for your sons and daughters, and do the right thing.

4. As a manager, be supportive of both your male and female colleagues when unexpected situations arise at home.

No one likes or wants disruptions, but life happens, and everyone will face a day when the troubling phone call comes from his sitter, her school nurse, or even elderly parents.

Accommodating personal needs is not a sign of weakness as a leader. Employees will be more likely to do great work if they know that you care about their personal obligations and family—and show them that you care about your own.

5. Don’t keep score or track time.

At home, it’s juvenile to get into debates about who last changed a diaper or did the dishes; everyone needs to contribute, but the big picture is what matters. Is everyone healthy and getting enough sleep? Are you enjoying each other’s company?

In business, too, avoid the trap of punching a clock. The focus should be on outcomes and performance rather than effort and inputs. That’s the way to maintain momentum toward overall goals.

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The Bottom Line

To be clear, I recognize that a great many working dads are doing a terrific job both on the home front and in their professional lives. My concern is that these standouts often aren’t visible to their colleagues; they intentionally or inadvertently let their work as parents fly under the radar. Dads need to be open and honest about family responsibilities to change perceptions in the workplace.

The question “How do you balance it all?” should not be something that’s just asked of women. Frankly, no one can answer that question. Juggling a career and parental responsibilities is tough. At times, really tough.

But it’s something that more parents should be doing together, as a team. This can be a real bonus for the couple relationship as well, because nothing gets in the way of good partnership faster than feelings of inequity.

On the plus side, I can tell you that parenting skills really do get better with practice—and that’s great for people of both sexes. I think our cultural expectations that women are the “nurturers” and men are the “providers” needs to evolve. Expanding these definitions will open the doors to richer contributions from everyone, because women can and should be both—and so should men.

Featured photo credit: NeONBRAND via unsplash.com

Reference

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