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A Sorry Letter To Myself, Though That “Me” Doesn’t Exist Anymore

A Sorry Letter To Myself, Though That “Me” Doesn’t Exist Anymore

Hey Me,

I am sorry you were so afraid, so startled and so alone.

I am sorry I wasn’t strong enough to stand behind you when you really needed to believe. I am really sorry for not supporting you to be anything you wanted to be. No person should ever be left alone in the desperation of solitude. But you were, and I want to remind you something.

When you were told that writing was a hobby, you secretly whispered ‘no’. When they didn’t allow you to study a degree in Arts, you didn’t give in and kept practicing. When the struggles like depression and asxiety appeared, you never stop fighting. When people scared you saying ‘it is tough’, ‘it requires a lot of work’, ‘you are going to starve with no income,’ you didn’t listen to their words.

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Thank you for standing strong for both of us, even if there were times where they bent your will and crushed your hopes; when there was times where striving seemed pointless. Thank you, because without you there would be no me today.

I am just sorry you had to endure it all on your own and that it took me so long, more than a decade, to realize it was all worth it. Yes, the tears and the depression and the doubts… All was worth it to be here today.

But the painful truth is that deep down each single word others said yielded your spirit. You tried to not let them see you down even if you were broken and bleeding inside. But it did get to you.

I am sorry you had to do it alone. But I couldn’t be more proud of you, little girl. Because when nobody, not a single person, encouraged you to pursue your dream, our dream, you refused to believe they were right no matter how much you wanted to scream it out loud.

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Looking back, it still hurt.

I know how many times you felt desperate, running away in to the darkness. I know how many times you wanted to abandon and admit it was useless. I remember each single time you felt hopelessly worthless, crying yourself to sleep because the world didn’t wanted to see how great you could be.

I know because I was there, and your pain has been my pain. And your fears are my fears today.

And your bravery, my child, that bravery is my drive today.

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The truth is: it is not over. I am a writer today but people still saying I should just bail and live a comfortable, dull life. It makes me fearful and doubtful; what if they are right after all? Should I just quit? Is it too late to stop challenging myself?

But thanks to you I refuse to believe them.

I refuse to listen for my own sake but also for your memory: because deep down, even in your worst hour, you didn’t yield. Not completely. You found your path, which is also mine, and you raced against the odds and storms.

You didn’t admit a defeat.

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I am sorry that I was weak, a fool and too afraid to stand behind our dreams. That is why I have gathered my entire valor and my gratitude, and commit myself to the labor of never, ever surrender.

You deserve more and I will dare the impossible to make it happen.

Even if who you were does no longer exist, within me there will always live a little girl, too scared to say aloud ‘I am a writer.’

I will say it for you: I am a writer. I didn’t give up on my dream. And I will never let you down again.

And you, dear reader, you shouldn’t either.

Featured photo credit: Doug Robichaud via unsplash.com

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Last Updated on September 17, 2018

7 Signs of an Unhappy Relationship That Makes You Feel Stuck

7 Signs of an Unhappy Relationship That Makes You Feel Stuck

Relationships are complicated and when you’re unhappy, it can be difficult to tell what’s causing it and what needs to change.

Sometimes it’s as easy as opening up to your partner about your problems, while other times it may be necessary to switch partners or roll solo to get your mind straight.

When you’re in the thick of things, it can be difficult to tell if you’re unhappy in your relationship or just unhappy in general (in which case, a relationship may be just the cure you need).

Here’re signs of an unhappy relationship that is possibly making you feel stuck:

1. You’re depressed about your home life.

No matter what you do in life, you’re going to have good and bad days. Your relationship is no different.

However, no matter what you’re going through at home, you have to feel comfortable in your own home.

If you constantly dread going home because your significant other is there, there’s a problem. Maybe it’s something you already know about, everyone has an argument or just needs some alone time.

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When that yearning to be alone becomes an insatiable obsession over the course of months and years, it’s time to realize you’re not the exception to the rule.

You’re unhappy in your relationship, and you need to take a look in the mirror and do whatever it takes to make yourself smile.

2. You aren’t comfortable being yourself.

Remember all those things you discovered about yourself when you first got together? The way your partner made you feel when you met that made you fall in love with him or her in the first place.

If they don’t make you feel that way anymore, it’s not the end of the world. If your partner makes you uncomfortable about being you, then her or she is only dragging you down. It’s up to you to decide how to handle that.

You need to be comfortable with who you are. This means being comfortable in your skin and with the way you walk, talk, look, breath, move, and all the other things that make you uniquely you.

If the person who supposedly loves you doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, know that you can do better. They’re not even one in a billion.

3. You can’t stop snooping.

Mutual trust is necessary in any relationship. The only way to get that trust is with respect.

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I can find you anywhere online, no matter how private and secure you think you are. The odds of you having a password I can’t crack are slim. If we’ve met in person, I could install a remote key logger on your device without even touching it.

Finding your information online hardly takes a clandestine organization. Any idiot with a Wi-Fi-enabled device can cyberstalk you. I’m just the only idiot in the village admitting it.

So now that we know everyone snoops, it’s time to address your personal habits. Governments snoop because they don’t trust us. If you’re snooping on your partner, it’s because you don’t trust them.

It’s ok to have doubts, and it’s perfectly normal to look into anything that looks weird, but keep in mind that data collection is only half of an investigation.

If you find yourself constantly snooping and questioning everything, clearly there’s a trust issue and the relationship likely needs to end.

4. You’re afraid of commitment.

If you’ve been dating longer than a year and you aren’t engaged, it’s never going to happen.

Commitment is important. People will come up with a million ways to describe why they can’t be committed.

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No matter who you are if you like it, you need to put a ring on it. Find an engagement ring, stick a gemstone in it and marry the person. If you’re not legally able to get married or you don’t believe in it for one reason or another, have a child (or adopt one, however you’re able to) or treat your partner’s family like your own. It’s a huge financial and mental commitment.

If you’re not ready for one or the other after some time, don’t waste anymore of your precious life on the relationship.

Your relationship should be something that propels you forward. If it’s not going anywhere, make it an open relationship and call it what it is—dating multiple people.

5. You imagine a happier life without your partner.

If all you’re doing is imagining a happier life without your partner, it’s a sign that you’re in the wrong relationship. You’re unhappy and you need to get out.

Your partner should be included in your dreams. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a future with someone.

Try to remember what you dreamed of before you got your heart broken by the realities of life, love and the pursuit of human success.

Remember when you would crush on that cute kid in class? You would secretly imagine marrying him or her and going on an adventure—that’s the way life should be.

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If you’re not at least imagining adventures together, then why are you in that relationship?

6. You resent, rather than love your partner.

When a relationship starts to crumble, you begin to resent your partner for all the things you once loved about him or her.

When you’ve reached this point, your partner has reached at least No. 2 on this list. From your partner’s perspective, your unhappiness with them is picked up as bashing them for being who they are.

If you’re both unhappy in the relationship, it’s better if it ends as quickly and painlessly as possible.

7. You chase past feelings.

It’s okay to reminisce about the past, but if all you do is wish things were like they used to be, it’s a sign you’re not on the right path.

You’re unhappy and, at the very least, you need to have an open dialogue about it. This isn’t necessarily a sign that the relationship should end, but it definitely needs a spark.

When you talk to your partner candidly about what it is you’re looking for, you never know how they’ll react. The risk alone is worth it, good or bad.

Final thoughts

If you’re feeling stuck in your current relationship, it’s time to reflect about it with your partner. Don’t ignore these signs of an unhappy relationship as they will slowly go worse and harm both you and your partner in long-term.

Featured photo credit: josh peterson via unsplash.com

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