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4 Smart Ways for Single Dads to Balance Work and Life

4 Smart Ways for Single Dads to Balance Work and Life

As if anyone didn’t already know this, America’s esteemed Pew Research Center relates that half of working parents find balancing work and life responsibilities either “very difficult” or “somewhat difficult.” Even sadder, 46 percent of fathers in the study report they spend “too little” time with their children.

Fathers need time with their children in order to feel whole and full in their family relationships. Time spent with children is one of the most entertaining and enriching activities available to us. As Speaker of the House Paul Ryan told his hometown paper, The Jaynesville Gazette, this past summer, his time at home with family is “his oxygen,” the thing that both drives and centers him.

We wholeheartedly encourage fathers to devote as much time to their children as possible. It’s good for everyone, including the ex-spouse. Use these ideas seasoned single dads rely on to balance work and life.

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1. Create a schedule and share it with your boss and coworkers.

While creating your parenting plan with your co-parent, share your options with your boss and coworkers and ask them to approve ideal hours for you. Once the parenting plan is in place and running, make sure to stick to it from the beginning. If the boss says you need to be at a meeting outside of these hours, mention that you’re fully available from 8:30 to 5:30 only.

Soften the blow by offering to get the meeting notes from another person on your team or have other options on the ready. Plan the scenario and your response in your mind so it flows naturally when the situation comes up. Setting these limits early on helps everyone adjust.

2. Make your identity as an involved father clear at work.

In an interview with NPR, working dad Corey Dade laments the fact that people don’t really ask about his children at work. He’s seen women get phone calls during meetings and leave with no repercussions. He wouldn’t feel as comfortable doing that.

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To make your role as a father plain, find opportunities to discuss what your children are doing; share what they showed you on YouTube or even the struggles of parenting. When coworkers and supervisors get used to your parental responsibilities, the occasional work-from-home sick day or early departure due to a recital goes over more smoothly.

This said, however, don’t fall into the trap of portraying yourself as dad-the-martyr. Don’t jockey for praise about being an involved dad. Most dads these days handle their share of the parenting duties because their ex-partners work part- or full-time, and because they want to have an involved hand in raising their children. Single parenting men and women sometimes present themselves as long-suffering, and it only turns colleagues and bosses off. Be positive about your parenting duties, but don’t paint yourself as a hero for carrying them out.

3. If your job isn’t going to work with a reasonable parenting schedule, find a new job.

In their book The Irreducible Needs of Children: What Every Child Must Have to Grow, Learn and Flourish, pediatricians and long-time child advocates Drs. Berry Brazelton and Stanly Greenspan lay out seven needs that parenting gurus and parents cannot explain away. Number one is the need for on-going, nurturing relationships. Number five is the need for limit-setting, structure and expectations. Number seven is the need for stable, supportive communities and cultural identity.

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While all seven require substantial time investment, just listing these three should convey the energy and time children require. Discipline is exhausting, as any parent will tell you. Setting limits requires creation of those limits and the application of consequences when they are crossed. And yet, children need it and even crave it. Setting up a reasonable discipline program is one of the best things you can do for a child.

Creating friendships in the community and cultural identity involves significant time spent socializing and planning. Friendships wither and die when not tended to. A 60 to 70 hour workweek does not mesh with a parenting style and schedule that provides a child’s basic needs.

This means that fathers determined to be an active presence in their children’s lives may consider down-sizing their job. Some fathers move from work as a partner in a busy law firm to being the in-house counsel at a smaller business. Teachers go to job sharing. Sales people with 100,000 yearly airline travel miles switch to in-office positions or even marketing or customer service. There is no shame in letting others “get ahead” for a few years while you raise decent and happy human beings. Besides going to the zoo and on hikes is fun and expands you as a person.

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4. Find sources of help.

When the divorce first occurs, friends and family draw close asking if there’s anything they can do. Too many single fathers put on a brave face and say, “we’re going to do just fine on our own.” While this is a great message to send the children, keep in mind that many friends, relatives and even acquaintances, may want to play a larger role in your and your children’s lives. A little outside help does not indicate weakness. It shows you’re working to take care of your children’s needs in a responsible way.

If you don’t have friends and relatives close by and/or willing to pitch in, you will need to build your support community. The good news is that America is moving into “the sharing economy,” where community is valued over the size of the house or job title. There’s even a non-profit working to move Americans to more of a focus on family and community rather than material possessions.

The Center for a New American Dream’s Collaborative Communities program helps people engage in their neighborhoods to share resources and tackle projects together. Swapping your availability to take a neighbor child to her soccer game every other weekend could win you a ride home from school and babysitting for the afternoon from a part-time working parent. Kids need to get together and play outside, using their large motor skills anyway. Connecting via video games is one way to be social, but the cul-de-sac basketball pick up game is just as fun.

The good news is that the Pew Research Center’s Social and Demographic Trends reports also found that Fathers have nearly tripled their time with children since 1965.  If you make your children a priority and are willing to shift your life around, you can find the right balance for you, and your kids.

Featured photo credit: Shutterstock via image.shutterstock.com

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Peter Mueller

Founder of Father's Rights Law Center

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Published on February 11, 2021

3 Positive Discipline Strategies That Are Best For Your Child

3 Positive Discipline Strategies That Are Best For Your Child

I’m old enough to remember how the cane at school was used for punishment. My dad is old enough to think that banning corporal punishment in schools resulted in today’s poorly disciplined youth. With all of this as my early experiences, there was a time when I would have been better assigned to write about how to negatively discipline your child.

What changed? Thankfully, my wife showed me different approaches for discipline that were very positive. Plus, I was open to learning.

What has not changed is that kids are full of problems with impulses and emotions that flip from sad to happy, then angry in a moment. Though we’re not that different as adults with stress, anxiety, lack of sleep, and stimulants such as sugar and caffeine in our diets.

Punishment as Discipline?

What this means is that we usually take the easy path when a child misbehaves and punish them. Punishment may solve an isolated problem, but it’s not really teaching the kids anything useful in the long term.

Probably it’s time for me to be clear about what I mean by punishment and discipline as these terms are often used interchangeably, but they are quite different.

Discipline VS. Punishment

Punishment is where we inflict pain or suffering on our child as a penalty. Discipline means to teach. They’re quite the opposite, but you’ll notice that teachers, parents, and coaches often confuse the two words.

So, as parents, we have to have clear goals to teach our kids. It’s a long-term plan—using strategies that will have the longest-lasting impact on our kids are the best use of our time and energy.

If you’re clear about what you want to achieve, then it becomes easier to find the best strategy. The better we are at responding when our kids misbehave or do not follow our guidance, the better the results are going to be.

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3 Positive Discipline Strategies for Your Child

Stay with me as I appreciate that a lot of people who read these blogs do not always have children with impulse control. We’ve had a lot of kids in our martial arts classes that were the complete opposite. They had concentration issues, hyperactive, and disruptive to the other children.

The easy solution is to punish their parents by removing the kids from the class or punish the child with penalties such as time outs and burpees. Yes, it was tempting to do all of this, but one of our club values is that we pull you up rather than push you down.

This means it’s a long-term gain to build trust and confidence, which is destroyed by constant punishments.

Here are the discipline strategies we used to build trust and confidence with these hyperactive kids.

1. Patience

The first positive discipline strategy is to simply be patient. The more patient you are, the more likely you are to get results. Remember I said that we need to build trust and connection. You’ll get further with this goal using patience.

As a coach, sometimes I was not the best person for this role, but we had other coaches in the club that could step in here. As a parent, you may not have this luxury, so it’s really important to recognize any improvements that you see and celebrate them.

2. Redirection

The second strategy we use is redirection. It’s important with a redirection to take “no” out of the equation. Choices are a great alternative.

Imagine a scenario where you’re in a restaurant and your kid is wailing. The hard part here is getting your child to stop screaming long enough for you to build a connection. Most parents have calming strategies and if you practice them with your child, they are more likely to be effective.

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In the first moment of calm, you can say “Your choice to scream and cry in public is not a good one. It would be best to say, Dad. What can I do to get ice-cream?” You can replace this with an appropriate option.

The challenge with being calm and redirecting is that we need to be clear-minded, focused, and really engaged at the moment. If you’re on your phone, talking with friends or family, thinking about work or the bills, you’ll miss this opportunity to discipline in a way that has long-term benefits.

3. Repair and Ground Rules

The third positive discipline strategy is to repair and use ground rules. Once you’ve given the better option and it has been taken, you have a chance to repair this behavior to lessen its occurrence to better yet, prevent it from happening again. And by setting appropriate ground rules, you can make this a long-term win by helping your child improve their behavior.

It’s these ground rules that help you correct the poor choices of your child and direct the behavior that you want to see.

Consequences Versus Ultimatums

When I was a child and being punished. My parents worked in a busy business for long hours, so their default was to go to ultimatums. “Do that again and you’re grounded for a week,” or “If I catch you doing X, you’ll go to bed without dinner”.

Looking back, this worked to a point. But the flip side is that I remembered more of the ultimatums than the happier times. I’ve learned through trial and error with my own kids that consequences are more effective while not breaking down trust.

What to Do When Ground Rules Get Broken?

It’s on the consequences that you use when the ground rules are broken.

In the martial arts class, when the hyperactive student breaks the ground rules. They would miss a turn in a game or go to the back of the line in a queue. We do not want to shame the child by isolating them. But on the flip side, there should be clear ground rules and proportionate consequences.

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Yes, there are times when we would like to exclude the student from the class, the club, and even the universe. Again, it’s here that patience is so important and probably impulse control too. With an attainable consequence, you can maintain trust and you’re more likely to get the long-term behavior that you’re looking to achieve.

Interestingly, we would occasionally hear a strategy from parents that little Kevin has been misbehaving at home with his sister or something similar. He likes martial arts training, so the parent would react by removing Kevin from the martial arts class as a punishment.

We would suggest that this would remove Kevin from an environment where he is behaving positively. Removing him from this is likely to be detrimental to the change you would like to see. He may even feel shame when he returns to the class and loses all the progress he’s made.

Alternatives to Punishment

Another option is to tell Kevin to write a letter to his sister, apologizing for his behavior, and explaining how he is going to behave in the future.

If your child is too young to write, give the apology face to face. For the apology to feel sincere, there is some value to pre-framing or practicing this between yourself and your child before they give it to the intended person.

Don’t expect them to know the ground rules or what you’re thinking! It will be clearer to your child and better received with some practice. You can practice along the lines of: “X is the behavior I did, Y is what I should have done, and Z is my promise to you for how I’m going to act in the future.” You can replace XYZ with the appropriate actions.

It does not need to be a letter or in person, it can even be a video. But there has to be an intention to repair the broken ground rule. If you try these strategies, that is become fully engaged with them and you’re still getting nowhere.

But what to do if these strategies do not work? Then there is plenty to gain by seeking the help of an expert. Chances are that something is interfering or limiting their development.

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This does not mean that your child has a neurological deficiency, although this may be the root cause. But it means that you can get an objective view and help on how to create the changes that you would like to see. Remember that using positive discipline strategies is better than mere punishment.

There are groups that you can chat with for help. Family Lives UK has the aim of ensuring that all parents have somewhere to turn before they reached a crisis point. The NSPCC also provides a useful guide to positive parenting that you can download.[1]

Bottom Line

So, there your go, the three takeaways on strategies you can use for positively disciplining your child. The first one is about you! Be patient, be present, and think about what is best for the long term. AKA, avoid ultimatums and punishment. The second is to use a redirect, then repair and repeat (ground rules) as your 3-step method of discipline.

Using these positive discipline strategies require you to be fully engaged with your child. Again, being impulsive breaks trust and you lose some of the gains you’ve both worked hard to achieve.

Lastly, consequences are better than punishment. Plus, avoid shaming, especially in public at all costs.

I hope this blog has been useful, and remember that you should be more focused on repairing bad behavior because being proactive and encouraging good behavior with rewards, fun, and positive emotions takes less effort than repairing the bad.

More Tips on How To Discipline Your Child

Featured photo credit: Leo Rivas via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] NSPCC Learning: Positive parenting

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