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6 Things You Want to Know BEFORE Becoming a Parent

6 Things You Want to Know BEFORE Becoming a Parent

Being a new parent is the most joyful, frustrating, heart opening, messy, happy thing a person can ever experience. Yet unlike being a fireman or a doctor there is very little real guidance offered by society on what to expect, what pitfalls to avoid, etc. Usually family and friends will tell new or expecting parents some imagined to be important things to help them along their way, like what to expect during labor (as if anyone can predict that), what kind of classes might help with the birthing process (as if all birthing processes are the same), what the best deals you can find for baby food are, information about baby clothes and who the best pediatrician in your neck of the woods is.

Truth is though, that information is already all over the internet, including opinions about whether to vaccinate, when to vaccinate and of course the ultimate question of all: whether or not to circumcise if the child happens to be male. This white noise about what parents should do or not do, as well as the mass of information today’s parents are expected to know actually deflects from some very basic practical advice that can be helpful.

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Since being a new parent already leads to amnesia due to lack of sleep, and being an expecting parent holds levels of anxiety reminiscent of being in a dentist chair while getting a root canal, it’s important to keep this kind of advice simple and easy, so here are 6 things you want to know BEFORE becoming a parent:

Be prepared to get no sleep!

How long that will be depends on the kindness of that stranger who is now your baby, their emotional whims and feeding habits, none of which anyone can predict. Plan your life accordingly for the indefinite future in line with the fact that you will not be getting any sleep. And if you do get sleep, cherish it because there is no guarantee that the lovely baby who sleeps all night at 9 weeks will not become like a shark in a feeding frenzy every 90 minutes from 8pm to 7am when they are 12 weeks or older. Growth spurts, room lighting, smells, even the astrological transits of the baby’s birth chart can be studied until the end of time and still there is no formula to accurately predict when a new born will sleep or not. So, get used to being sleep deprived, or at least accept the possibility that it may happen to you.

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Get a glider chair for Mom!

Comfort for the mother is of utmost importance in the days and weeks after childbirth. A mother of a newborn child needs time for her body to recover from the rigors of giving birth, and also being sleep deprived means that it is much easier to breastfeed or bottle feed while sitting in a cozy glider chair that rocks back and forth. This small investment is worth it! If you risk not getting one be prepared for the mental anguish which will ensue, as well as the massage bills, chiropractic bills and other activities that will need to happen to offset the lack of comfort that is now part of this new mother’s world. Be kind! Make getting a glider chair a top priority, right up there with buying diapers and baby clothes.

It is natural for every adult you ever meet from the moment your child is born to want to give you advice.

That’s what adults do, we pretend to know stuff even if we don’t. In past generations it was the case that most adults had children, often many children, and so any advice given was usually from the place of real life experience. But in today’s world that is not the case, so learning how to deflect advice from those who have no idea what being a parent is like is a real and important skill.

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Also, it is often the case that these non-parents make huge assumptions based on their non-existent parenting experience and say things which can be offensive to anyone who is actually raising a newborn child. One simple technique is to ignore unrequested and potentially offensive advice entirely, which often works because you are so obviously sleep deprived people think you simply didn’t hear what they just said. Another technique is to turn the advice back on the person who asked it. If they recommend you breastfeed, or which side of the vaccine coin flip you should be on, ask them what they did when raising their own children. Oh yeah, they don’t have kids. Let the awkward silence pass as you both digest this moment similar to someone who has never driven a car trying to telling you how to drive.

Be prepared for your friendships to change!

As with any major life change, being a parent can have many unexpected results. Some people love children and others have no idea how to relate to children, especially a newborn child. You might expect a congratulations from someone who you have thought a dear friend only to rarely hear from them again once you have announced the birth of your child. The opposite is also true, someone who you knew only casually might shower you and your baby with gifts, offering to be helpful such as cooking food for you and helping you do chores that were once easy but now a challenge, such as clean your house while watching a newborn.

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The bright love that comes through with these new friendships usually outweighs that sense of hurt that happens when someone decides to no longer be your friend because you now have a child. When you do lose friends because of your baby know it is simply an initiation, a hazing from the universe for you to join this age old society of parents, and not something to take personally or go into therapy about. Embrace the new friendships, and simply let the old ones go.

Babies make people do crazy things.

You may have taken classes before the birth in Baby CPR, Breastfeeding, and watched numerous videos to help you cope with the challenges of being a parent. What to do when complete strangers ask to hold your beautiful child is the one issue no book or video ever dares to mention. As a society, we like to pretend this will never happen but it actually happens quite often. The request is rarely even verbal. The assailant simply stands in front of your newborn child, and reaches their arms out towards the child, perhaps pouting too as if regressing into their own babyhood form of consciousness. This form of non-verbal communication is almost an act of violence to some parents. What to do? Simply smile at them, hold your baby tight, and walk away.

Why is it worth it in spite of all this madness?

Don’t let this article scare you into deciding against having a baby. Having a child stare into your eyes, drool on you, and pee all over you when you try to change their diaper is an experience not to be missed. Seeing the odd behaviors, the nuances of a baby’s personality emerge, is probably the closest thing you’ll ever know to wondering what the Divine Creator must have felt when the universe was first created, a feeling kind of like Wow, I did this? Lots of problems yet somehow still perfect! The lost friends, the idiotic advice, the lack of sleep, the bills for baby’s needs and of course the glider chair, and even the weirdos who try to grope at you like linebackers in a Superbowl game where you are the quarterback and your baby is the football itself– none of this can compare to the magical sense of love that happens, as if the universe lit a match in the darkest areas of your heart and declared let there be light.

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Published on September 21, 2020

The Danger of Overscheduling Your Kids

The Danger of Overscheduling Your Kids

I am a parent of three children aged 8, 6, and 6. Like many parents, I struggle with knowing the right balance of activities for them. I don’t want my kids to miss out on opportunities to play sports and participate in activities that will enhance their lives and help them grow as individuals. However, I also don’t want them to become overscheduled kids, to the extent that they get worn out and stressed out.

There is a balance in providing activities for our children and overscheduling them. The tendency for the latter is prevalent these days. Our lives — and the lives of our kids — are increasingly overscheduled and overworked. Thus, we need to understand the dangers of having overscheduled kids and how to prevent this from happening in our own families.

What’s Wrong with Overscheduling Your Kids?

1. Overscheduling Can Burn Out Our Kids

When our kids are on the go and scheduled to the max from a young age, their potential to get burned out before reaching high school is quite high. The New York Times reported some research on burnout and found that burnout with kids relates to their workload, along with their parents’ propensity to experience it.[1] This means that overworked children are more likely to get burned out than others. Similarly, overscheduled parents tend to have overscheduled kids more often than not.

Burnout

When a person is burned out, they feel overwhelmed and exhausted by what others expect them to get done daily. Children who are involved in too many activities with little to no downtime have a high chance of experiencing burnout. When parents place too many expectations on their kids, they also have an increased potential to burn out.

If you get the sense that your child is feeling overworked or overwhelmed by their daily activities, you need to know which ones can be cut back. If they have too many activities outside of school work, for instance, then that is one area that likely needs to be downsized.

An overworked child will present various symptoms like moodiness, irritability, crankiness, despondency, anger, stomach aches, headaches, rebellion, etc. Cutting back their activities will help to relieve their stress and reduce the said burnout signs. If your kid has severe burnout symptoms, though, then professional help from a pediatrician or therapist for children should be sought.

Downtime

Downtime is key to helping relieve burnout. If children don’t have free time during the day to have any rest, they are more likely to become burned out than others. Downtime means unorganized free time to do what they enjoy or relax. Cut back your kids’ extra-curricular activities if they don’t have downtime in their schedule.

Here are more tips on creating downtime for the children: How to Create Downtime for Kids.

2. Overscheduling Kills Playtime and Creativity

Kids need time to be kids. When their schedules are filled every day with activities like organized ballet, soccer, and music lessons, and they only take a break for dinner and bedtime, then they are overscheduled. They need to have free time after school to relax and play. When they don’t have that and proceed from one scheduled activity to the next, they are missing out on playtime.

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Playtime is crucial to child development. If they cannot get enough time to play, then their ability to develop their creativity decreases. The Genius of Play explains that there are six major developmental benefits that children get from playtime:[2]

  • Creativity
  • Social skill development
  • Cognitive development
  • Physical development (i.e., balance, coordination)
  • Communication skills
  • Emotional development

If children don’t have time to play because they are always on-the-go, then they are missing out on the developmental benefits of play.

Children need downtime after school so that they can unwind, play, and decompress. Research from the Journal of Early Childhood Development and Care showed that kids need to play to deal with anxiety, stress, and worry.[3] Playtime provides an outlet for them to manage these emotions in a healthy manner and helps with the development of their creativity.

Children need free time to play every day. Fifteen minutes at recess is not enough. They need time for it after school, at home, outside of the constraints of scheduled activities.

Solution

Ensure that your child has time to play after school. This is especially important for young children who greatly benefit from playing. Limit organized activities so that your child is not scheduled every day and can play after school. If they have an activity every hour, then it doesn’t allow for playtime.

3. Overscheduling Causes Stress and Pressure

When kids are overscheduled because their parents are so intent on having high-performing children, then they will feel stressed. Parental pressure upon a child to do well in academics, music, multiple sports, and religious studies is a reality for many kids. The children scheduled in all of these activities can often feel stress and pressure, especially when they are expected to succeed in all of them.

It is hard enough for kids to be good or succeed at a single activity. For a parent to overschedule their child and expect superior performance in various activities, that is a recipe for a stressed-out child.

Solution

Parents should not schedule kids in multiple activities with the expectation of superior performance in all. They should also consider the child’s interests. If the child is not interested in one activity, then they are likely to feel stressed and pressured to do it.

For example, if Suzy has been taking piano lessons for four years, and she no longer enjoys learning the instrument, then perhaps it is time to take a break. If Suzy is forced to continue with the lessons and daily practices, then she may feel pressured to continue performing simply because her mom wants her to do so. This can lead Suzy to resent her mother for forcing her to keep on doing something that she doesn’t like anymore.

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Let your child help in selecting the activities that they get involved in. Also, put a cap on the number of activities they are doing. If they have a different activity every weekday, then they are likely overscheduled.

Kids need downtime and time to play, too. If they need to do a new activity every day, that downtime is diminished, considering the time at home or outside of the scheduled activities is limited. This limited time is then filled with homework, mealtime, and bedtime prep. Eliminating activities several days a week will allow the child to have some time to play freely. The younger the kid is, the more time they need playtime. As they get older, they can take on more activities; however, under the age of 13, playing daily is a must for children.

4. Healthy Eating Falls by the Wayside

Any parent who’s busy chauffeuring multiple kids to different activities after school knows how tempting fast food can become. Fast food, however, leads to less healthy food choices. French fries and hamburgers — the staple combo in most fast-food joints — cannot help your child thrive nutritionally.

When families are overscheduled, they tend to go for easy and quick meals. When rushed, many of us make poor food choices because we aren’t taking the time to think about a meal’s nutritional value and a balanced diet for our children.

5. Family Mealtimes Become a Thing of the Past

When we are taking our kids to sports and other extra-curricular activities that fall during dinnertime, the family often misses out on sharing a meal at home.

This is true in our own home. There are certain nights of the week that we have practices, and so we either eat together early (if possible) or eat separately, depending on what our schedules allow.

There is so much value in having family dinners. It provides an opportunity for family members to discuss their day, including their work and school activities. It is a time when technology is set aside so that everyone can truly focus on communicating with one another and catching up on what is happening in each other’s lives. When a kid’s activities are scheduled every evening, then that family time at the dining table gets lost. Dinnertime becomes a thing of the past as we overschedule kids and ourselves.

Try learning more about family time here: How to Maximize Family Time? 13 Simple Ways You Can Try Immediately.

Solution

Assess our schedule during the week to ensure that there’s always time for dinner with the family. Make it a point to establish a dinnertime schedule for the evenings that you do not have prior engagements scheduled. Remember: the time that you have with your kids under your roof is fleeting. Before long, they will be grownups and start living on their own. You need not dismiss or minimize the opportunity to bond with your children over meals.

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Having family mealtimes also allows you to make excellent food choices. This way, parents can create balanced and healthy meals and teach their children about the importance of eating good food for their bodies.

How to Turn Things Around?

1. Fix the Displaced Ambitions

Parents with overscheduled kids often mean well. They want their children to succeed, so they give them every chance to make it happen. They sign them up for various lessons, sports, and activities that may help the kids find success in life.

In other cases, the parent probably didn’t get such opportunities when they were young and felt that they missed out on many things. Hence, they provide those missed opportunities to their kids during their own childhood.

Carla is an example of such a parent. Carla always wanted to take dance and ballet classes as a child. She heard her friends talk about dance classes and performances, and they would even bring recital photos to school, showing their beautiful, detailed costumes. Carla wanted to be in those dance classes and learn ballet and have the opportunity to perform in a beautiful costume in front of an audience. Unfortunately, her family could not afford to give her that opportunity.

When Carla gave birth to a baby girl, she had visions of her little one growing big enough to take dance, ballet, and even tap classes someday. She was looking forward to dressing her daughter in dance costumes and watching her take lessons and eventually performing in recitals. When Carla’s daughter Anna was old enough to enroll at a dance class at four years old, she was thrilled. However, after a few months, it became clear that Anna was not enjoying these classes. She would cry before every lesson, begging Carla to let her stay home and not go to class. Her daughter had no interest in learning to dance.

In truth, it happens to many parents. They would enroll their kid in an activity that they wanted to do as a child but never got to try. Unfortunately, a parent’s interest is not always the same as that of their kids’. The child may humor mom or dad for some time and do the activity out of compliance. But if the child does not enjoy it anymore, they will eventually make things clear to their parents.

Parents should listen to their children. If the activity is something that they do not enjoy doing, ask the children what they think they would like to do, and then eliminate activities that they are not into. Similarly, teach them commitment by finishing a program, but don’t enroll them again in the same class if they absolutely do not want to do it.

Let the kids try different activities at a young age. Sometimes they don’t know if they like something until they try it out.

2. Try Clinics of Camps Before Committing

Don’t enroll your child in three sports at the same time to see which one they like or excel at. Doing so will make your kid overscheduled. Instead, you can use the summer break or preseason camps or clinics to try a variety of activities they are interested in.

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As an example, all three of my children said that they wanted to do lacrosse. We had already tried soccer, and it was not successful for two out of three of them. They would rather chase butterflies down the field or play tag than actually participate in their games. Therefore, before committing to lacrosse and spending a great deal of money on their gear, I signed them up for a sample clinic. It was a one-day program that intended to expose children to the sport and see if they would perhaps enjoy playing it. I was surprised to find that the three kids enjoyed lacrosse, so we signed up for the season. It was nice to be able to see them try out the sport in a clinic before committing to an entire season.

Most towns and cities have parks and recreation department. This is often a good place to check for clinics and camps for various activities. Our local department even offers art and dance classes. Most of them meet between two and four times total, so the children can get some exposure to the activity before signing them up at a private facility for a more long-term commitment.

3. Take an Inventory of Your Weekly Activities

Often, we do an activity without reflecting on how much we are already committed to doing each week. Before we commit to any more activities, we must be willing to look at everything that each family member does. Every child’s commitment is another responsibility for the parent as well. Parents must take children to and from each practice, so you need to consider the drive time for any activity.

For instance, if each of my three kids signed up for three different activities each week, I would be running myself ragged. Three activities for three kids means taking them to nine activities during the week. That doesn’t include the games that will likely be scheduled on the weekends. Three activities for every child, therefore, is too much for our family.

If some practices overlap on the schedule, then you need two parents or responsible adults to transport the children to different locations. Before you sign them up for multiple activities, you need to factor downtime, stress levels, and your ability to take them to each activity in the equation.

Consider the following before your kids can commit to various activities:

  • What is the time commitment for the child each week? Do they have enough energy and stamina for the activities? Do they get enough downtime daily to prevent burnout?
  • Is practice time required outside of their scheduled team practices and games?
  • How long is the travel time for you as a parent, along with wait time during practices? Do you have time allowances for these activities in your own schedule?
  • Does the activity time conflict with other activities on the schedule? Will it eliminate family dinners on a regular basis?
  • Does the child really want to do the activity?
  • What is the motivation for signing up for the activity?
  • Is this activity or commitment going to cause a great deal of stress on the child or other family members?

Check out these time-management tips for parents: 10 Time Management Tips Every Busy Parent Needs to Know.

Get The Kids Active and Involved!

Despite everything, it does not mean that you shouldn’t sign your child up for different activities like sports, music, dance, karate, etc. They are all great activities that can help children develop a variety of valuable life skills. The goal is to enroll them in things that they genuinely enjoy and avoid overscheduling kids by not letting them sign up for too many activities at a time.

More Tips for Scheduling Kids’ Activities

Featured photo credit: Kelly Sikkema via unsplash.com

Reference

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