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6 Things You Want to Know BEFORE Becoming a Parent

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6 Things You Want to Know BEFORE Becoming a Parent

Being a new parent is the most joyful, frustrating, heart opening, messy, happy thing a person can ever experience. Yet unlike being a fireman or a doctor there is very little real guidance offered by society on what to expect, what pitfalls to avoid, etc. Usually family and friends will tell new or expecting parents some imagined to be important things to help them along their way, like what to expect during labor (as if anyone can predict that), what kind of classes might help with the birthing process (as if all birthing processes are the same), what the best deals you can find for baby food are, information about baby clothes and who the best pediatrician in your neck of the woods is.

Truth is though, that information is already all over the internet, including opinions about whether to vaccinate, when to vaccinate and of course the ultimate question of all: whether or not to circumcise if the child happens to be male. This white noise about what parents should do or not do, as well as the mass of information today’s parents are expected to know actually deflects from some very basic practical advice that can be helpful.

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Since being a new parent already leads to amnesia due to lack of sleep, and being an expecting parent holds levels of anxiety reminiscent of being in a dentist chair while getting a root canal, it’s important to keep this kind of advice simple and easy, so here are 6 things you want to know BEFORE becoming a parent:

Be prepared to get no sleep!

How long that will be depends on the kindness of that stranger who is now your baby, their emotional whims and feeding habits, none of which anyone can predict. Plan your life accordingly for the indefinite future in line with the fact that you will not be getting any sleep. And if you do get sleep, cherish it because there is no guarantee that the lovely baby who sleeps all night at 9 weeks will not become like a shark in a feeding frenzy every 90 minutes from 8pm to 7am when they are 12 weeks or older. Growth spurts, room lighting, smells, even the astrological transits of the baby’s birth chart can be studied until the end of time and still there is no formula to accurately predict when a new born will sleep or not. So, get used to being sleep deprived, or at least accept the possibility that it may happen to you.

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Get a glider chair for Mom!

Comfort for the mother is of utmost importance in the days and weeks after childbirth. A mother of a newborn child needs time for her body to recover from the rigors of giving birth, and also being sleep deprived means that it is much easier to breastfeed or bottle feed while sitting in a cozy glider chair that rocks back and forth. This small investment is worth it! If you risk not getting one be prepared for the mental anguish which will ensue, as well as the massage bills, chiropractic bills and other activities that will need to happen to offset the lack of comfort that is now part of this new mother’s world. Be kind! Make getting a glider chair a top priority, right up there with buying diapers and baby clothes.

It is natural for every adult you ever meet from the moment your child is born to want to give you advice.

That’s what adults do, we pretend to know stuff even if we don’t. In past generations it was the case that most adults had children, often many children, and so any advice given was usually from the place of real life experience. But in today’s world that is not the case, so learning how to deflect advice from those who have no idea what being a parent is like is a real and important skill.

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Also, it is often the case that these non-parents make huge assumptions based on their non-existent parenting experience and say things which can be offensive to anyone who is actually raising a newborn child. One simple technique is to ignore unrequested and potentially offensive advice entirely, which often works because you are so obviously sleep deprived people think you simply didn’t hear what they just said. Another technique is to turn the advice back on the person who asked it. If they recommend you breastfeed, or which side of the vaccine coin flip you should be on, ask them what they did when raising their own children. Oh yeah, they don’t have kids. Let the awkward silence pass as you both digest this moment similar to someone who has never driven a car trying to telling you how to drive.

Be prepared for your friendships to change!

As with any major life change, being a parent can have many unexpected results. Some people love children and others have no idea how to relate to children, especially a newborn child. You might expect a congratulations from someone who you have thought a dear friend only to rarely hear from them again once you have announced the birth of your child. The opposite is also true, someone who you knew only casually might shower you and your baby with gifts, offering to be helpful such as cooking food for you and helping you do chores that were once easy but now a challenge, such as clean your house while watching a newborn.

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The bright love that comes through with these new friendships usually outweighs that sense of hurt that happens when someone decides to no longer be your friend because you now have a child. When you do lose friends because of your baby know it is simply an initiation, a hazing from the universe for you to join this age old society of parents, and not something to take personally or go into therapy about. Embrace the new friendships, and simply let the old ones go.

Babies make people do crazy things.

You may have taken classes before the birth in Baby CPR, Breastfeeding, and watched numerous videos to help you cope with the challenges of being a parent. What to do when complete strangers ask to hold your beautiful child is the one issue no book or video ever dares to mention. As a society, we like to pretend this will never happen but it actually happens quite often. The request is rarely even verbal. The assailant simply stands in front of your newborn child, and reaches their arms out towards the child, perhaps pouting too as if regressing into their own babyhood form of consciousness. This form of non-verbal communication is almost an act of violence to some parents. What to do? Simply smile at them, hold your baby tight, and walk away.

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Why is it worth it in spite of all this madness?

Don’t let this article scare you into deciding against having a baby. Having a child stare into your eyes, drool on you, and pee all over you when you try to change their diaper is an experience not to be missed. Seeing the odd behaviors, the nuances of a baby’s personality emerge, is probably the closest thing you’ll ever know to wondering what the Divine Creator must have felt when the universe was first created, a feeling kind of like Wow, I did this? Lots of problems yet somehow still perfect! The lost friends, the idiotic advice, the lack of sleep, the bills for baby’s needs and of course the glider chair, and even the weirdos who try to grope at you like linebackers in a Superbowl game where you are the quarterback and your baby is the football itself– none of this can compare to the magical sense of love that happens, as if the universe lit a match in the darkest areas of your heart and declared let there be light.

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Last Updated on October 7, 2021

Why Spending Time With Your Family Is Important (And How To Do So)

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Why Spending Time With Your Family Is Important (And How To Do So)

In today’s chaotic world, having family time isn’t always easy. It can get pretty hard to coordinate schedules, especially if the family is large. Life demands that we work, attend school, nurture friendships, hobbies, etc. All of those things are extremely time-consuming and important—but so is spending time with your family.

Why is family time so important? Because we all need love and support, and a good, strong family can provide that regularly. For children, spending time with their family helps shape them into good, responsible adults, improve their mental health, and develop strong core values.

There are many positive effects of spending time with your family. My family and I, for instance (and this includes grandchildren as well), meet every Tuesday night for dinner and games. My older son and I take turns cooking. This gives all of us a chance to try some new recipes. After dinner, we play games. And without fail, they inspire competitiveness and laughter. As family night has evolved, the grandkids have invited their friends over as well, creating the need for more chairs but also expanding our circle of fun.

Aside from the obvious fun and games, there are other reasons why spending time with your family is paramount. In this article, I will provide you with multiple reasons why spending time with your family regularly is a win-win. And then, I will lay out some ways on how to do it.

Let’s get started, shall we?

Why Spending Time With Your Family Is Important

Here are six reasons why it’s important to spend time with your family.

1. Provides the Opportunity to Bond

When you spend time together as a family—talking about your day, your highs, your lows—it fosters communication. As parents, it gives you the chance to listen to your children, to hear them out, to learn about what’s going on in their world. It also provides you with the opportunity to use life situations as teaching moments.

Before our Tuesday night dinner/game nights, my family used to see each other pretty regularly but not consistently, especially the grandkids. Our family night changed all that. Now, it’s guaranteed that the grandchildren, along with some of their friends, will be there. Not only do I get to find out what’s been happening in their lives, but they also get to know us better. It’s creating memories they can treasure forever, as well as modeling the Get-Together tradition for when they eventually have families of their own.

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“Spending time partaking in everyday family leisure activities has been associated with greater emotional bonding within families.”[1]

2. Teaches the Value of Family

Taking the time to be with your family lets your children know they are valued—that spending time together is a priority. I know that in today’s world, both parents are busy as both usually working. What better way to let your children know they are loved than by carving out time each week to spend with them?

According to Marilyn Price-Mitchell, Ph.D., “words like honesty, trust, fairness, respect, responsibility, and courage are core to centuries of religious, philosophical, and family beliefs. Use them and others to express and reinforce your family values. Teach children the behaviors that flow from these principles. Use quotes to ignite meaningful dinner conversations and encourage kids to talk about these values.”[2]

3. Enhances Mental Well-Being

Spending that quality time together gives your children a safe platform in which to express themselves, ask questions about things that are bothering them, or talk about their day and things they’ve learned. I know that my 9-year old granddaughter can’t wait until it’s her turn to talk about her day. She usually goes on and on and has to be stopped to give everyone else a chance to talk about their goings-on.

“Research shows the quality of family relationships is more important than their size or composition. Whoever the family is made up of, they can build strong, positive relationships that promote wellbeing and support children and young people’s mental health.”[3]

For children, having the opportunity to seek advice from parents they trust—as well as being able to have a sounding board and help with problem-solving—is priceless. In addition, being able to voice their opinions and be heard—and to feel like what they have to say matters—is an esteem-builder. All of these can have a very impactful positive effect on their well-being.

4. Helps the Child Feel Loved

How do you think a child feels knowing their parents want to spend time with them—talking, sharing experiences, playing games, listening to them? It will make them feel as though they are important, and a child that feels important is happier and more apt to thrive. Setting aside chores or work to spend time with your children demonstrates that they’re essential—that they matter. What a gift to give your child!

“If a child has your undivided attention, it signals that they are loved and important to you. This can be further nurtured by experiencing joyful activities together, as it demonstrates that you want to spend time with your children over and above all of the daily demands.”[4]

5. Creates a Safe Environment

If you regularly spend time with your children, you are also creating an atmosphere of trust. The more trust they have, the more likely they are to share with you what’s going on in their world. As they get older, you’re going to want to know. Negative influences can show up at any time, but if you’ve always been there for your child, they are more apt to come to you and ask for your advice.

Spending time together generates familiarity and feelings of being supported. When a child feels safe and comfortable, they’re more likely to open up. This is one way to get to know your child and know what’s on their minds. Are they okay? Do they need your guidance? If so, how?

6. Reduces Stress

This is significant. We all suffer from stress at one point or another in our lives. Spending time with family helps alleviate that stress. It’s an opportunity to talk things out, get feedback, and maybe brainstorm for a solution to the problem that is causing the stress.

According to Brandy Drzymkowski, “During the holidays, your closest five people probably shifts to family and friends. You may even get to see loved ones who live far away. Good news! This can actually help lower your stress levels. Studies show ‘face-to-face interaction…counteracts the body’s defensive ‘fight-or-flight’ response.’ In other words, quality time spent with loved ones is nature’s stress reliever.”[5]

So, now that you know some of the benefits, what are some ideas for making family time happen?

How to Make Family Time Happen

Here are four things you can do to make family time happen and spend more time with them.

1. Family Dinners

This, as I said above, is a wonderful way to spend time together. While you’re having dinner, you have the chance to discuss things that are going on in your lives—the ups, the downs, and everywhere in between. It’s like having a buffer against life’s challenges.

Aside from that, eating dinner together has many additional benefits. Studies have shown that for kids who eat regularly with their families, there is less risk of substance abuse, teen pregnancy, and depression.[6]

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“Our belief in the ‘magic’ of family dinners is grounded in research on the physical, mental and emotional benefits of regular family meals.” It further states, “We recommend combining food, fun and conversation at mealtimes because those three ingredients are the recipe for a warm, positive family dinner—the type of environment that makes these scientifically proven benefits possible.”[7]

According to Parenting NI, “children and adolescents who spend more time with their parents are less likely to get involved in risky behavior. According to studies done by the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse via Arizona State University, teens who have infrequent family dinners are twice as likely to use tobacco, nearly twice as likely to use alcohol and one and a half times more likely to use marijuana.”[8]

As you can see, there are multiple benefits to spending time with each other routinely. You can’t go wrong with this family activity.

2.  Regular Movie Nights

This is another fun event, although, from personal experience, I have to caution that choosing a movie that everyone wants to see is not easy. So, give yourselves plenty of time so you don’t spend two hours searching for a movie, and then end up watching no movie at all because the night is practically over. Try and choose a movie before the day, if possible.

Afterward, open it up for discussion. Ask questions pertinent to the movie. What do you think of ABC? Should they have done that? Would you have done something differently? There are so many questions you can ask to spark a conversation and keep the night going.

3. Game Night

This is another occasion for great fun. If you have a competitive spirit, it makes it even more fun. There are numerous games out there—Balderdash, Pictionary, Apples to Apples, Charades, to name a few—that can create fun havoc. All I can say is, on game nights, don’t take yourself too seriously. It’s okay if you lose the game. The fun is in being together, laughing, debating, and having a good time.

In addition, “Playing board games is great for children for many reasons besides the obvious; it’s fun to play games! Age appropriate games can help children to think strategically, solve problems creatively, work on pattern recognition and build simple math skills. They also help children develop social skills such as following rules, taking turns, and graceful winning or losing. Additionally, a family game night provides an opportunity for children to bond with siblings, parents and family members as well as peers. It can promote tradition building and establish a fun routine.”[9]

So, go find your family a game and start having fun!

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4. Sharing a Hobby

If you and one of your kids like to do the same things, do it more often. For example, my oldest son and his teenage son go on long bike rides together on the weekends. Not only do they get to exercise, but they also get to talk and look at beautiful sceneries. They’ve also incorporated cooking into their routine. They plan the meal, shop, and prepare—activities that bring them closer together.

Sharing a hobby is a great way to bring family members together. It bonds people in amazing ways. According to Alison Ratner Mayer, LICSW, “One of the easiest and most important ways to build a child’s self-esteem is to spend time with them doing something not only that they enjoy but something that you also enjoy. There is a special magic that happens between a parent and a child when they share a mutually beloved activity. It sends the message to the child that their parents are having fun, true, honest, real fun, with them.”[10]

Final Thoughts

Spending time with the family is an investment. It is an investment in the happiness, well-being, and security of that system. It can also serve as a way to break out of the daily rut and the constant worldly demands, while at the same time, building a strong family unit.

Even though it isn’t always easy to find the time, finding the time is key to staying close and to providing and receiving love and support. There is no greater gift than the gift of time. That’s what we all seem to be missing nowadays. So, in giving that gift consistently, everyone feels loved and appreciated.

The family that takes the time to interact regularly is typically happy. They know they are part of a tribe, and that’s essential in today’s chaotic world. To know that there are people whom you can count on—people who will have your back in times of need—is invaluable.

Now, go and plan something plan with your family, if you haven’t already.

Featured photo credit: Jimmy Dean via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] Pittsburgh Parent: Spending Time Together—Benefits of Family Time
[2] Roots of Action: Integrity: How Families Teach and Live Their Values
[3] Beyond Blue: Healthy Families
[4] Esperance Anglican Community School: The importance of family time
[5] Brandy Drzymkowski: Spending Time With Loved Ones Reduces Stress
[6] Harvard Graduate School of Education: Harvard EdCast: The Benefit of Family Mealtime
[7] The Family Dinner Project: BENEFITS OF FAMILY DINNERS
[8] Parenting NI: The Importance of Spending Time Together
[9] WNY Children: Family Game Night- The Benefits of Game Play
[10] Child Therapy Boston: The Benefits of Sharing a Hobby With Your Child

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