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Psychologist Says We Must Accept Who We Are In Order to Change

Psychologist Says We Must Accept Who We Are In Order to Change

Now I understand we all naturally dislike change because honestly we are not used to it. Change can be scary or intimidating to those who are way too comfortable in their comfort-zone. Some people might even say that they don’t want to change because frankly it is not who they are or it just doesn’t feel right.

But Why Doesn’t Change Feel Right?

The reason why it doesn’t feel right is because we are creatures of habit. Once we get out of our daily routine, it starts to feel uncomfortable and weird. It’s like writing with your left hand when you are a righty. It just feels all weird and uncomfortable and you just want to go back to your old habits.

Is It Necessary To Be Constantly Changing In Your Life?

However it is a necessity to be constantly changing in your life because you have the adapt to your own unique situation.

Charles Darwin said it best.

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“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change” – Charles Darwin

What Do We Have To Do Before We Can Change?

Before we can even change ourselves, we must accept who we actually are, since we need a starting point. It’s like using a GPS or Google Maps. First, we have to figure out where we are now (or who we are now) and then figure out where we want to go (or WHO we want to become)

And the first step is always figuring out where you are now (or who you realistically are now) and confirming your location (or accepting who you are). Once you figure out who you realistically are and accept who you are, then you are READY for change.

Carl Roger once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” – Carl Roger

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And FYI, Carl Roger was considered to be one of the founding fathers of psychotherapy research and was honored for his pioneering research with the Award for Distinguished Scientific Contributions by the American Psychological Association.

Basically Carl Roger Knows What He’s Talking About

Now to help you figure out and accept who you are, try to generally describe who you think you are at first. Try to look at yourself like a scientist observing a specimen. A scientist just gets the facts straight.

Remember be honest no one here is judging you! After you describe who you think you are, try to find events in the past that prove your own description. For example let’s say Steve is shy. Steve knows that he is shy and has proof from past experience. In the 8th grade he remembered he couldn’t bring himself to ask out his crush Vicky on a date. Even in his senior year of high school he was terrified during group presentation.

Now I don’t want you to feel bad or anything like that. I just want you to figure out who you are with evidence from your past experience.

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Now What Do You Do After You Accept Who You Are?

Now that you figured out and accepted who you realistically are, you have to figure out who you want to become. Imagine who you want to become. Imagine this amazing version of you that can accomplish all your goals in life. Now if you think only imagining your new amazing self won’t do any good, thankfully you are wrong. Don’t ever underestimate your brain!

There has been research done on how your imagination affects the brain. They tested 3 groups of basketball players.

  • 1st group was told to do nothing.
  • 2nd group was told to imagine successfully shooting the ball in the basket from the free throw line.
  • 3rd group was told to practice shooting the ball from the free throw line

The 1st group showed no improvement. (Obviously)

However the 2nd and 3rd group had similar improvement results even though the 2nd group only imagined successfully shooting the ball in the basket. And it’s not only for basketball. It has been proven in other activities such as playing the piano. So imagine who this version of you is and get to really know that “new you.”

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The more you ACT like the “new you”, the more you BECOME that person. Basically what you are doing is replacing an old habit (or old behavior) with a new habit (or new behavior). The easiest way to get rid of old habits (like smoking) is to form new ones that are more fun and beneficial for you.

One Last Note

If you are doing everything right and are starting to change, people around you will start to notice. Don’t pay attention to what they say because when you start changing people can’t label you anymore.

Featured photo credit: Change = Progress = Happiness via flickr.com

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Last Updated on December 3, 2019

10 Life Lessons You’d Better Learn Early on in Life

10 Life Lessons You’d Better Learn Early on in Life

There are so many lessons I wish I had learned while I was young enough to appreciate and apply them. The thing with wisdom, and often with life lessons in general, is that they’re learned in retrospect, long after we needed them. The good news is that other people can benefit from our experiences and the lessons we’ve learned.

Here’re 10 important life lessons you should learn early on:

1. Money Will Never Solve Your Real Problems

Money is a tool; a commodity that buys you necessities and some nice “wants,” but it is not the panacea to your problems.

There are a great many people who are living on very little, yet have wonderfully full and happy lives… and there are sadly a great many people are living on quite a lot, yet have terribly miserable lives.

Money can buy a nice home, a great car, fabulous shoes, even a bit of security and some creature comforts, but it cannot fix a broken relationship, or cure loneliness, and the “happiness” it brings is only fleeting and not the kind that really and truly matters. Happiness is not for sale. If you’re expecting the “stuff” you can buy to “make it better,” you will never be happy.

2. Pace Yourself

Often when we’re young, just beginning our adult journey we feel as though we have to do everything at once. We need to decide everything, plan out our lives, experience everything, get to the top, find true love, figure out our life’s purpose, and do it all at the same time.

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Slow down—don’t rush into things. Let your life unfold. Wait a bit to see where it takes you, and take time to weigh your options. Enjoy every bite of food, take time to look around you, let the other person finish their side of the conversation. Allow yourself time to think, to mull a bit.

Taking action is critical. Working towards your goals and making plans for the future is commendable and often very useful, but rushing full-speed ahead towards anything is a one-way ticket to burnout and a good way to miss your life as it passes you by.

3. You Can’t Please Everyone

“I don’t know the secret to success, but the secret to failure is trying to please everyone” – Bill Cosby.

You don’t need everyone to agree with you or even like you. It’s human nature to want to belong, to be liked, respected and valued, but not at the expense of your integrity and happiness. Other people cannot give you the validation you seek. That has to come from inside.

Speak up, stick to your guns, assert yourself when you need to, demand respect, stay true to your values.

4. Your Health Is Your Most Valuable Asset

Health is an invaluable treasure—always appreciate, nurture, and protect it. Good health is often wasted on the young before they have a chance to appreciate it for what it’s worth.

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We tend to take our good health for granted, because it’s just there. We don’t have to worry about it, so we don’t really pay attention to it… until we have to.

Heart disease, bone density, stroke, many cancers—the list of many largely preventable diseases is long, so take care of your health now, or you’ll regret it later on.

5. You Don’t Always Get What You Want

“Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.” – John Lennon

No matter how carefully you plan and how hard you work, sometimes things just don’t work out the way you want them to… and that’s okay.

We have all of these expectations; predetermined visions of what our “ideal” life will look like, but all too often, that’s not the reality of the life we end up with. Sometimes our dreams fail and sometimes we just change our minds mid-course. Sometimes we have to flop to find the right course and sometimes we just have to try a few things before we find the right direction.

6. It’s Not All About You

You are not the epicenter of the universe. It’s very difficult to view the world from a perspective outside of your own, since we are always so focused on what’s happening in our own lives. What do I have to do today? What will this mean for me, for my career, for my life? What do I want?

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It’s normal to be intensely aware of everything that’s going on in your own life, but you need to pay as much attention to what’s happening around you, and how things affect other people in the world as you do to your own life. It helps to keep things in perspective.

7. There’s No Shame in Not Knowing

No one has it all figured out. Nobody has all the answers. There’s no shame in saying “I don’t know.” Pretending to be perfect doesn’t make you perfect. It just makes you neurotic to keep up the pretense of manufactured perfection.

We have this idea that there is some kind of stigma or shame in admitting our limitations or uncertainly, but we can’t possibly know everything. We all make mistakes and mess up occasionally. We learn as we go, that’s life.

Besides—nobody likes a know-it-all. A little vulnerability makes you human and oh so much more relatable.

8. Love Is More Than a Feeling; It’s a Choice

That burst of initial exhilaration, pulse quickening love and passion does not last long. But that doesn’t mean long-lasting love is not possible.

Love is not just a feeling; it’s a choice that you make every day. We have to choose to let annoyances pass, to forgive, to be kind, to respect, to support, to be faithful.

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Relationships take work. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s incredibly hard. It is up to us to choose how we want to act, think and speak in a relationship.

9. Perspective Is a Beautiful Thing

Typically, when we’re worried or upset, it’s because we’ve lost perspective. Everything that is happening in our lives seems so big, so important, so do or die, but in the grand picture, this single hiccup often means next to nothing.

The fight we’re having, the job we didn’t get, the real or imagined slight, the unexpected need to shift course, the thing we wanted, but didn’t get. Most of it won’t matter 20, 30, 40 years from now. It’s hard to see long term when all you know is short term, but unless it’s life-threatening, let it go, and move on.

10. Don’t Take Anything for Granted

We often don’t appreciate what we have until it’s gone: that includes your health, your family and friends, your job, the money you have or think you will have tomorrow.

When you’re young, it seems that your parents will always be there, but they won’t. You think you have plenty of time to get back in touch with your old friends or spend time with new ones, but you don’t. You have the money to spend, or you think you’ll have it next month, but you might not.

Nothing in your life is not guaranteed to be there tomorrow, including those you love.

This is a hard life lesson to learn, but it may be the most important of all: Life can change in an instant. Make sure you appreciate what you have, while you still have it.

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Featured photo credit: Ben Eaton via unsplash.com

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