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15 Things Introvert Moms Want You To Know

15 Things Introvert Moms Want You To Know

Nothing can really prepare you for parenthood. And when you’re an introvert, there’s nothing in the world that can get you ready for the constant struggle you’ll face between being “on” all day and figuring out how to sneak in a little bit of solitude. Introverts need alone time to recharge but as an introvert mom, alone time is often the last thing we get to have. We all know that being a parent means our love of being alone will constantly be challenged but for introvert mothers, the impact is greater than you know. Here are 15 things fellow introvert mothers will only understand.

1. Pregnancy is when the privacy invasion really begins.

When you’re pregnant, people want to talk to you about it…all the time. And if you run into other mothers? Then it’s almost guaranteed they’ll share details about things you’d never discuss with someone you barely know – like bowel movements, graphic labor stories and even more graphic breastfeeding trials and tribulations. Not to mention the awkwardness we feel about our bodies acting as a vessel for the next nine months.

2. Introvert moms feel awkward asking for help.

We tend to be self-sufficient and embarking on the journey of parenthood often means depending on others for help. Let’s face it, when your water breaks in the middle of the night and we need to wake our partners up for that midnight hospital run, we’re the only ones who will feel slightly bad for disrupting his sleep. Even if only for a moment.

3. Even though we love our new families, it means there’s always someone around us.

Forget the long stretches of solitude you had before you became an introvert mom – one of the things about parenting people often forget to tell you (because it’s implied) is that kids are with you all the time. So is your partner and your mom and even some new mommy friends. So someone is always around you.

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4. Nap time means so much more to an introvert mom.

Alone time recharges us so the peace and quiet that nap time allows literally means everything to us. We could sleep while the kids sleep but it doesn’t refuel us quite the same as some solitude does, so you’ll rarely find us gazing upon our sleeping baby or even worse, waking our kids up on purpose.

5. Our need for alone time will make us wonder if we love parenting less than other mothers.

There’s a constant battle that introverts face – we need alone time to recharge, that’s just how we’re wired. But when you become a mom, you’re inundated with messaging that tells us that we should love our children unequivocally, and always want to be around them. So when we crave to be away, mommy guilt kicks in and we wonder if we’re actually just being selfish. The short answer is: no.

6. Drop offs and pick ups can be really straining for us.

Introverts don’t like to make small talk. It’s really just not our thing. So you can imagine how hard daycare drop offs and school pick ups can be when other parents make you feel obligated to say something to them.

7. Busy parks bring us anxiety.

We love our one on one time with the kids but when we head to the park and it’s jammed pack of kids and parents, we secretly hope that other parents won’t notice we’re there. The last thing we want to do is be in a situation where we may be forced to mingle and fail miserably at small talk.

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8. When your kid shares your introversion, you’ll feel unnecessarily guilty.

We are products of environment, so it’s inevitable that your child will pick up some introvert traits. But in a world built for extroverts, feeling guilty for having a “shy” child happens from time to time – even though it shouldn’t.

9. When your kid is an extrovert, parenting is more draining than you’d like it to be.

Parenting is a roller-coaster for everyone, regarding of their personality type. But an introvert mom with an extrovert child means you’re on, all the time. Heeding to every beck and call, showing interest in every single thing they do in a day, being fully present and attentive all day long means that when bedtime rolls around, you’re exhausted and only have enough energy to crawl into bed.

10. When our jobs involve a lot of face time, our tank can already be empty by the time we get home.

We’re all a little drained by the time 5 PM rolls around but if you’re an introvert mother and your day job involves a lot of face time, then you know that your energy reserves are pretty much depleted by the time you get home.

11. We’re often the only moms who don’t really feel guilty about putting our kids in daycare.

I can speak from experience on this one – as much as I worried about my daughter’s first week at daycare, I also really enjoyed the space. The time away gave me time to think about her and miss her. Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

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12. A kids’ birthday party invitation is bittersweet.

Introverts don’t necessarily hate parties but when a birthday party invitation gets sent home, we can ‘t help the feeling of dread that ensues. And if it’s not a drop off and pick up party? Then we run the risk of being seen as distant or unfriendly because we’re merely content keeping to ourselves around the other parent attendees.

13. We want to be good moms, just like everyone else.

Our constant need for downtime probably raises a few brows from other moms. We love our kids as much as anyone else. And while we want to lovingly watch every move our children make, we also want to take care of ourselves too – and that often means getting in that little bit of energizing downtime.

14. When we finally get that coveted alone time, sometimes we don’t know what to do with ourselves.

This feeling isn’t exclusive to introvert moms – all moms crave downtime and when we finally get it, there are times where we’re just not sure what to do with ourselves.

15. Sometimes we don’t realize that we’re introverted, so we end up thinking we’re just failing as parents.

One of my favorite times of the day is when my little one is tucked away in bed and sound asleep. I used to beat myself up for rejoicing when I said my final ‘good night’ – until I realized it was because I was introverted and just naturally hardwired to refuel from being alone. There were many days I feared I didn’t love parenting as much as the next mother.

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As mothers, we already have a hard enough time letting ourselves off the hook for not being perfect. As an introvert mother, our guilt is tenfold since we crave more alone time than our extrovert counterparts. Society tells us that we need to savor every moment with our children but many introvert moms struggle to do this. Just know that it’s okay to want alone time – we need it after all to be the best mom we can be.

Featured photo credit: Pixabay via pixabay.com

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Published on February 11, 2021

3 Positive Discipline Strategies That Are Best For Your Child

3 Positive Discipline Strategies That Are Best For Your Child

I’m old enough to remember how the cane at school was used for punishment. My dad is old enough to think that banning corporal punishment in schools resulted in today’s poorly disciplined youth. With all of this as my early experiences, there was a time when I would have been better assigned to write about how to negatively discipline your child.

What changed? Thankfully, my wife showed me different approaches for discipline that were very positive. Plus, I was open to learning.

What has not changed is that kids are full of problems with impulses and emotions that flip from sad to happy, then angry in a moment. Though we’re not that different as adults with stress, anxiety, lack of sleep, and stimulants such as sugar and caffeine in our diets.

Punishment as Discipline?

What this means is that we usually take the easy path when a child misbehaves and punish them. Punishment may solve an isolated problem, but it’s not really teaching the kids anything useful in the long term.

Probably it’s time for me to be clear about what I mean by punishment and discipline as these terms are often used interchangeably, but they are quite different.

Discipline VS. Punishment

Punishment is where we inflict pain or suffering on our child as a penalty. Discipline means to teach. They’re quite the opposite, but you’ll notice that teachers, parents, and coaches often confuse the two words.

So, as parents, we have to have clear goals to teach our kids. It’s a long-term plan—using strategies that will have the longest-lasting impact on our kids are the best use of our time and energy.

If you’re clear about what you want to achieve, then it becomes easier to find the best strategy. The better we are at responding when our kids misbehave or do not follow our guidance, the better the results are going to be.

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3 Positive Discipline Strategies for Your Child

Stay with me as I appreciate that a lot of people who read these blogs do not always have children with impulse control. We’ve had a lot of kids in our martial arts classes that were the complete opposite. They had concentration issues, hyperactive, and disruptive to the other children.

The easy solution is to punish their parents by removing the kids from the class or punish the child with penalties such as time outs and burpees. Yes, it was tempting to do all of this, but one of our club values is that we pull you up rather than push you down.

This means it’s a long-term gain to build trust and confidence, which is destroyed by constant punishments.

Here are the discipline strategies we used to build trust and confidence with these hyperactive kids.

1. Patience

The first positive discipline strategy is to simply be patient. The more patient you are, the more likely you are to get results. Remember I said that we need to build trust and connection. You’ll get further with this goal using patience.

As a coach, sometimes I was not the best person for this role, but we had other coaches in the club that could step in here. As a parent, you may not have this luxury, so it’s really important to recognize any improvements that you see and celebrate them.

2. Redirection

The second strategy we use is redirection. It’s important with a redirection to take “no” out of the equation. Choices are a great alternative.

Imagine a scenario where you’re in a restaurant and your kid is wailing. The hard part here is getting your child to stop screaming long enough for you to build a connection. Most parents have calming strategies and if you practice them with your child, they are more likely to be effective.

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In the first moment of calm, you can say “Your choice to scream and cry in public is not a good one. It would be best to say, Dad. What can I do to get ice-cream?” You can replace this with an appropriate option.

The challenge with being calm and redirecting is that we need to be clear-minded, focused, and really engaged at the moment. If you’re on your phone, talking with friends or family, thinking about work or the bills, you’ll miss this opportunity to discipline in a way that has long-term benefits.

3. Repair and Ground Rules

The third positive discipline strategy is to repair and use ground rules. Once you’ve given the better option and it has been taken, you have a chance to repair this behavior to lessen its occurrence to better yet, prevent it from happening again. And by setting appropriate ground rules, you can make this a long-term win by helping your child improve their behavior.

It’s these ground rules that help you correct the poor choices of your child and direct the behavior that you want to see.

Consequences Versus Ultimatums

When I was a child and being punished. My parents worked in a busy business for long hours, so their default was to go to ultimatums. “Do that again and you’re grounded for a week,” or “If I catch you doing X, you’ll go to bed without dinner”.

Looking back, this worked to a point. But the flip side is that I remembered more of the ultimatums than the happier times. I’ve learned through trial and error with my own kids that consequences are more effective while not breaking down trust.

What to Do When Ground Rules Get Broken?

It’s on the consequences that you use when the ground rules are broken.

In the martial arts class, when the hyperactive student breaks the ground rules. They would miss a turn in a game or go to the back of the line in a queue. We do not want to shame the child by isolating them. But on the flip side, there should be clear ground rules and proportionate consequences.

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Yes, there are times when we would like to exclude the student from the class, the club, and even the universe. Again, it’s here that patience is so important and probably impulse control too. With an attainable consequence, you can maintain trust and you’re more likely to get the long-term behavior that you’re looking to achieve.

Interestingly, we would occasionally hear a strategy from parents that little Kevin has been misbehaving at home with his sister or something similar. He likes martial arts training, so the parent would react by removing Kevin from the martial arts class as a punishment.

We would suggest that this would remove Kevin from an environment where he is behaving positively. Removing him from this is likely to be detrimental to the change you would like to see. He may even feel shame when he returns to the class and loses all the progress he’s made.

Alternatives to Punishment

Another option is to tell Kevin to write a letter to his sister, apologizing for his behavior, and explaining how he is going to behave in the future.

If your child is too young to write, give the apology face to face. For the apology to feel sincere, there is some value to pre-framing or practicing this between yourself and your child before they give it to the intended person.

Don’t expect them to know the ground rules or what you’re thinking! It will be clearer to your child and better received with some practice. You can practice along the lines of: “X is the behavior I did, Y is what I should have done, and Z is my promise to you for how I’m going to act in the future.” You can replace XYZ with the appropriate actions.

It does not need to be a letter or in person, it can even be a video. But there has to be an intention to repair the broken ground rule. If you try these strategies, that is become fully engaged with them and you’re still getting nowhere.

But what to do if these strategies do not work? Then there is plenty to gain by seeking the help of an expert. Chances are that something is interfering or limiting their development.

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This does not mean that your child has a neurological deficiency, although this may be the root cause. But it means that you can get an objective view and help on how to create the changes that you would like to see. Remember that using positive discipline strategies is better than mere punishment.

There are groups that you can chat with for help. Family Lives UK has the aim of ensuring that all parents have somewhere to turn before they reached a crisis point. The NSPCC also provides a useful guide to positive parenting that you can download.[1]

Bottom Line

So, there your go, the three takeaways on strategies you can use for positively disciplining your child. The first one is about you! Be patient, be present, and think about what is best for the long term. AKA, avoid ultimatums and punishment. The second is to use a redirect, then repair and repeat (ground rules) as your 3-step method of discipline.

Using these positive discipline strategies require you to be fully engaged with your child. Again, being impulsive breaks trust and you lose some of the gains you’ve both worked hard to achieve.

Lastly, consequences are better than punishment. Plus, avoid shaming, especially in public at all costs.

I hope this blog has been useful, and remember that you should be more focused on repairing bad behavior because being proactive and encouraging good behavior with rewards, fun, and positive emotions takes less effort than repairing the bad.

More Tips on How To Discipline Your Child

Featured photo credit: Leo Rivas via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] NSPCC Learning: Positive parenting

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