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5 Ways To Save A Failing Relationship That You Cherish

5 Ways To Save A Failing Relationship That You Cherish

You know that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you sense that it is over? Signs are popping up all over. A distant look in the eyes. Simple conversations become difficult often turning into looping arguments. Texts ignored. Your partner is pulling away. Panic sets in. We are failing. Question surfaces, “Is my relationship coming to an end?”

Relationships end for a variety of reasons. However, if your partner is leaving because of things you repeatedly do to push him/her away then it is important that you get a grip on yourself and change your pattern. This is not a quick fix solution.

As a relationship specialist, I work with couples on developing healthy patterns of connecting. Sometimes, individuals come to see me when the relationship is failing and they are looking for ways to save it. I offer these five ways to get your partner’s attention.

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1. Really listen and take seriously things your partner said that you previously ignored

“I wish I would have listened” is the lament I often hear from individuals who suffer a break-up in a relationship they cherished. People who do more talking than listening send the wrong message. It basically says, “I’m more important than you.” Maybe that’s not how you want to come across, but you will if you don’t show more interest.

If you want to save your failing relationship then open these three things: your eyes, your ears, and your heart.  Active listening involves all three. Eyes have to do with giving your mate your full attention. Look them in the eyes in a conversation. Listen without interrupting. Avoid using terms like, “Yes, but…”  Listening with your heart is showing empathy to your partner.  It communicates that you care.

2. Own the behavior you have been avoiding

One of the things that drives a partner away is unchecked negative behavior in a mate.  They feel stuck with someone who won’t own their behavior. It’s exhausting. Before long, they get tired of the pattern and want out.

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If you constantly make excuses for yourself, blame your partner, or make empty promises, then your relationship is in danger of failing. Wake up! Take a hard, long look in the mirror. You better start owning your behavior before he/she leaves you for good.

Owning behavior with your partner is a simple as saying, “You’re right, I tend to take my frustration out on you. It’s not fair to you. I need to be more aware of my actions.”

3. Rebuild trust by repairing hurt you caused by your actions

Relationships cannot survive on love. Trust is the foundation upon which all relationships are built. If you break trust with your partner, the relationship suffers. In order to rebuild trust you have to repair the hurt you inflicted on your mate. In my work with couples, I guide them through a 5 step process to repair hurt. For easy remembering the steps begin with the letter A.

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  1. Admit you are wrong.
  2. Accept responsibility for your behavior without excuses or blame.
  3. Acknowledge how your actions specifically hurt your partner.
  4. Ask for forgiveness.
  5. Agree to work on changing the behavior pattern.

4. Focus on the needs of your partner that you were neglecting

Neglect is an awful word in relationships. So is taking your mate for granted.  It communicates a negative sentiment. If you want to save a failing relationship you cherish then you need to focus on the needs of your partner. It cannot be about you all the time. Listen to her music. Go to his sporting event. Show a genuine interest in the things that matter to her/him. Learn your partner’s love language and speak it.

Focusing on your partner’s needs with genuine interest will send a message that they matter. A pattern of doing this likely get his/her attention. Don’t expect it to happen right away.

5. Be consistent with your words and actions

This sets apart the “gamechangers” from the “gametalkers”. Some talk a good game, but don’t back it up. Others finally get it and change from the heart. They are serious and want to preserve the relationship they cherish. They back up their words with action. This is done every day. Over time it becomes apparent their love is genuine.

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If you want to save a failing relationship you have to be willing to change your heart. Also, be prepared to work hard. This is not for the faint of heart. If you hurt your mate and damaged trust, it will take time and consistency to build it back. If you truly love this person then you can do it!

Featured photo credit: Dollar Photo via dollarphotoclub.com

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Last Updated on March 5, 2021

Science Says People Who Talk To Themselves Are Geniuses

Science Says People Who Talk To Themselves Are Geniuses

I talk a lot to myself. It helps me to keep my concentration on the activity on hand, makes me focus more on my studies, and gives me some pretty brilliant ideas while chattering to myself; more importantly, I produce better works. For example, right now, as I am typing, I am constantly mumbling to myself. Do you talk to yourself? Don’t get embarrassed admitting it because science has discovered that those who talk to themselves are actually geniuses… and not crazy!

Research Background

Psychologist-researcher Gary Lupyan conducted an experiment where 20 volunteers were shown objects, in a supermarket, and were asked to remember them. Half of them were told to repeat the objects, for example, banana, and the other half remained silent. In the end, the result shown that self-directed speech aided people to find the objects faster, by 50 to 100 milliseconds, compared to the silent ones.

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“I’ll often mutter to myself when searching for something in the refrigerator or the supermarket shelves,” said Gary Lupyan.

This personal experience actually made him conduct this experiment. Lupyan, together with another psychologist, Daniel Swigley, came up with the outcomes that those to talk to oneself are geniuses. Here are the reasons:

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It stimulates your memory

When you are talking to yourself, your sensory mechanism gets activated. It gets easier on your memory since you can visualize the word, and you can act accordingly.[1]

It helps stay focused

When you are saying it loud, you stay focused on your task,[2] and it helps you recognise that stuff immediately. Of course, this only helps if you know what the object you are searching looks like. For example, a banana is yellow in colour, and you know how a banana looks like. So when you are saying it loud, your brain immediately pictures the image on your mind. But if you don’t know what banana looks like, then there is no effect of saying it loud.

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It helps you clarify your thoughts

Every one of us tends to have various types of thoughts. Most make sense, while the others don’t. Suppose you are furious at someone and you feel like killing that person. Now for this issue you won’t run to a therapist, will you? No, what you do is lock yourself in a room and mutter to yourself. You are letting go off the anger by talking to yourself, the pros and cons of killing that person, and eventually you calm down. This is a silly thought that you have and are unable to share it with any other person. Psychologist Linda Sapadin said,[3]

“It helps you clarify your thoughts, tend to what’s important and firm up any decisions you are contemplating.”

Featured photo credit: Girl Using Laptop In Hotel Room/Ed Gregory via stokpic.com

Reference

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