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10 Things to Remember When a Friend is Suffering a Loss

10 Things to Remember When a Friend is Suffering a Loss

When someone you know loses a loved one, it’s difficult to know what to say. Do we risk saying too much and upsetting them, or saying too little and isolating them? It’s a tricky tight rope but the key is being there. We can’t tell you what to say to help because there are no magic words. Honestly, it is better to be the friend who said the wrong thing, not the friend who said nothing at all.

1. Don’t let it become taboo.

Friendships can be tattered by that unspoken support, the repressed elephant cowering in the corner of the room. Relieve the tension, be part of your friend’s life, and you’ll both feel closer no matter how it goes.

2. If you can’t come up with the right words, make a kind gesture.

Some people aren’t the best at communication and can’t quite wrap their head around the verbalising of emotions. So why not fix the broken window for them, clean their house while they’re away planning the funeral, or simply just show up for a coffee as often as you can? The little things go a long way when our friends are suffering.

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3. Be cool.

Everyone else is acting weird so be the reliable friend, be normal. Your friend has been through a lot and could do with some normalcy and a return to routine. So be yourself and remind them that life hasn’t completely changed, because you haven’t.

4. When in doubt, hug.

Human contact can do wonders. So offer that tight hug and show that you are there and feeling deep empathy for your friend in their loss. Because sometimes it’s as simple as that.

5. Don’t panic.

Because there is no right thing to say. There’s no sentence you can use to fix everything, to make things easy, to make your friend all better and happy. It’s a rocky road and there’s nothing you can do to take the pain away. So the pressure’s off and don’t be worried if something you say triggers emotions. It’s part of the process.

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6. Surround them with their favorite things.

Flowers, chocolates, a good movie, whatever the order of the day, make sure you remind them that they are known and loved and very much alive.

7. Be a breath of fresh air.

Teach your friend the new karate moves you’ve learned, tell them about your busy day, or just talk about your pets. Don’t be too ecstatic but keep their brain occupied with new things.

8. Keep them active.

Encourage your friend to come for a run, to go for a cycle, to beat you at the gym circuit. The blood has to keep pumping so those endorphins can multiply and save the day.

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9. Talk about HeWhoMustNotBeNamed.

And no, I’m not talking about Voldemort. It’s easy to assume that the widow will break down at the mention of her husband’s name, that the orphan will flinch at the mention of parents, that any reference to the departed could remind your suffering friend of the loss and awake new realms of pain. But your friend already thinks about said lost partner, parent, sibling, all day. It’s not a post-it note that gets forgotten, it’s a constant shadow, so talking about it is therapeutic and calming.

10. Don’t flinch.

It’s easily done. Doling out emotional support and sentimental cliches is a tiring and difficult business and our natural reflex is often to change the subject and run away from hard conversations. Don’t flinch – your friend is bound to try and bury their head in the sand or run away from what has happened and it’s up to you to help them break this trend – rather than giving in to it.

Feature photo credit: Ed Gregory

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Featured photo credit: Ed Gregory via stokpic.com

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Last Updated on December 16, 2018

12 Simple Ways You Can Build A Positive Attitude

12 Simple Ways You Can Build A Positive Attitude

We all look for a better and happier life, but somehow we realize it’s our attitude that makes it hard to lead the life we want. How can we build a positive attitude? Grant Mathews has listed out the things (from the easiest to the hardest) we can do to cultivate this attitude on Quora:

1. Listen to good music.

Music definitely improves your mood, and it’s a really simple thing to do.

2. Don’t watch television passively.

Studies have shown that people who watch TV less are happier, which leads me to my next point…

3. Don’t do anything passively.

Whenever I do something, I like to ask myself if, at the end of the day, I would be content saying that I had spent time doing it. (This is why I block sites I find myself wasting too much time on. I enjoy them, but they’re just not worth it when I could be learning something new, or working on projects I care about.)

Time is incredibly valuable.

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4. Be aware of negativity

A community that considers itself intelligent tends to be negativity because criticizing is seen as a signaling mechanism to indicate that you’re more intelligent than the person you corrected. This was irrationally frustrating for me – it’s one of those things you’ll stay up all night to think about.

5. Make time to be alone.

I initially said “take time just to be alone.” I changed it because if you don’t ensure you can take a break, you’ll surely be interrupted.

Being with other people is something you can do to make you happy, but I don’t include it in this list because nearly everyone finds time to talk with friends. On the other hand, spending time just with yourself is almost considered a taboo.

Take some time to figure out who you are.

6. Exercise.

This is the best way to improve your immediate happiness.

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Exercise probably makes you happy. Try and go on a run. You’ll hate yourself while doing it, but the gratification that you get towards the end vastly outweighs the frustration of the first few attempts. I can’t say enough good things about exercise.

Exercising is also fantastic because it gives you time alone.

7. Have projects.

Having a goal, and moving towards it, is a key to happiness.

You have to realize though that achieving the goal is not necessarily what makes you happy – it’s the process. When I write music, I write it because writing is inherently enjoyable, not because I want to get popular (as if!).

8. Take time to do the things you enjoy.

That’s very general, so let me give you a good example.

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One of the things that has really changed my life was finding small communities centered around activities I enjoy. For instance, I like writing music, so I’m part of a community that meets up to write a song for an hour every week. I love the community. I’ve also written a song every week, 37 weeks in a row, which has gradually moved me towards larger goals and makes me feel very satisfied.

9. Change your definition of happiness.

Another reason I think I’m more happy than other people is because my definition of happiness is a lot more relaxed than most people’s. I don’t seek for some sort of constant euphoria; I don’t think it’s possible to live like that. My happiness is closer to stability.

10. Ignore things that don’t make you happy.

I get varying reactions to this one.

The argument goes “if something is making you unhappy, then you should find out why and improve it, not ignore it.” If you can do that, great. But on the other hand, there’s no reason to mope about a bad score on a test.

There’s another counterargument: perhaps you’re moping because your brain is trying to work out how to improve. In fact, this is the key purpose of depression: Depression’s Upside – NYTimes.com

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I can think of examples that go both ways. I remember, for instance, when I was debating a year or two ago and my partner and I would lose a round, I would mull over what we had done wrong for a long time. In that way, I got immensely better at debate (and public speaking in general – did you know debate has amazing effects on your public speaking ability? But now I really digress).

On the other hand, there’s no way that mulling over how dumb you were for missing that +x term on the left hand side will make you better at math. So stop worrying about it, and go practice math instead.

11. Find a way to measure your progress, and then measure it.

Video games are addictive for a reason: filling up an experience bar and making it to the next level is immensely satisfying. I think that it would be really cool if we could apply this concept to the real world.

I put this near the bottom of the list because, unfortunately, this hasn’t been done too often in the real world – startup idea, anyone? So you would have to do it yourself, which is difficult when you don’t even know how much you’ve progressed.

For a while, I kept a log of the runs I had taken, and my average speed. It was really cool to see my improvement over the weeks. (Also, I was exercising. Combining the two was fantastic for boosting happiness.)

12. Realize that happiness is an evolutionary reward, not an objective truth.

It’s easy to see that this is correct, but this is at the bottom of the list for a reason.

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