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23 Body Language Tricks That Make You Instantly Likeable

23 Body Language Tricks That Make You Instantly Likeable

You send people signals all day, without paying attention to them. The way you move your eyes, the way you shake a hand and so on. There are things you can do to send subconscious signals using body language that make people like you better, or at least give you the benefit of the doubt. Whenever I discuss techniques like these there are always one or two people who feel uncomfortable with ‘influencing’ someone with psychological tricks.

Manipulation is not negative

  • Influencing is changing someone’s behavior or mind
  • Manipulation is intentionally influencing

When you hear the word manipulation, you may immediately think of negative things. Please don’t.

Manipulation is not bad. People with bad intentions are bad.

 
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    Example 1: Manipulative sneaky person

    Bad people are bad. Bad people who manipulate are problematic. An example of this:

    • Mean Girl wants to reduce the social standing of Sweet Classmate
    • She tells the other classmate this person did something horrible
    • The class likes Sweet Classmate less
    • Sweet Classmate feels sad now

    Example 2: Friendly manipulation

    Manipulation can make everyone in a situation better off.

    • Party Person is an experienced manipulator
    • Party Person bumps into another person
    • Party Person smiles disarmingly and apologizes, even though the other person was wrong
    • Party Person doesn’t get into a fight and has a great night

    The problem with the Mean Girl example is not the manipulation, the problem is bad intentions and lying.

    My request: Have good intentions

    I’m assuming you will use these tricks with good intentions. Please do so.

    Section 1: Attitude & body language

    Positive attitude

      The human mind is judgmental, it’s what it does. It is what kept us alive during evolution.We make judgments in split seconds:

      • Is this person a threat?
      • Is this person attractive?
      • Is this person useful to my (social) survival?

      Pay attention to this instinct, but never act on it without knowing the person better. The tricks below will trigger you to behave in ways that are perceived well.

      This section is not strictly about body language, but these attitudes will subconsciously influence your body language.

      Feel secure and project confidence

      This one is so important it requires its own article, and you can never do this 100% of the time. Plus, there are certainly cases where not seeming confident can gain you likability points, but on average, the above holds true.

      There are two things to consider with this point:

      • Try to remove things that make you uncomfortable
        • For me bad skin was an issue, which I solved like this
        • Another was clothing choice, which I solved by bringing along a girl when shopping
      • Train yourself to help you feel secure
        • I learned a lot from self-help audiobooks I downloaded
        • For me staying in shape helped a lot. Read the 4 Hour Body or its summary

      Everyone is a friend, unless proven otherwise

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        Why burn bridges before you’ve made them in the first place? It makes no sense:

        • You have everything to gain
        • You have nothing to lose

        You will notice soon enough if this person would/wants to be a good friend.

        Everyone deserves respect, unless proven otherwise

        Again, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose by treating people with respect. That doesn’t mean you should kiss boots all day; it means you shouldn’t dismiss anyone or make them feel unimportant.

        Like everybody, until they don’t deserve it

        Strangers deserve to have the benefit of the doubt. In our world anyone can be anything, without looking like it. I’ve met douchebags who looked kind and billionaires that behaved like excited children. Look at the cover of the book, but read a few pages before judging.

        Neither the douchebag or billionaire are ‘better’ than each other. But being around one made me feel unhappy, and the other made me feel gusto and enthusiasm.

        Always think about what you can do for others

        When you meet someone, don’t think ‘what can they do for me?’ but rather ‘what can I do for them?’ Helping people is the best way to make them want to help you, and everybody wins.

        Note that I’m not saying you should give unsolicited advice to make yourself seem smart. Help people if you genuinely and truly believe this person’s life would be better with the knowledge/help/contact that you can offer.

        Offer help, but don’t insist. Keep it short and let them decide.

        Section 2: Posture

        Posture example

          Your body is constantly signalling the people you meet. Posture influences the snap second judgement people make about you, but also what you think about yourself. In addition, proper posture is good for your back, what’s not to like?

          Stand up straight, but relaxed

          To find positive posture, try the following:

          1. Stand with your feet as wide as your hips
          2. Make yourself as tall as possible, imagine being pulled up by the top of your head
          3. Now keep that feeling of being tall but relax your shoulders
          4. Relax your neck and angle your head so you don’t have to look up or down to look an average person in the eyes

          Some tips:

          • Relax as much as possible while maintaining your posture
          • Don’t puff your chest, it should be flat as if you are lying on a floor
          • Pull your shoulders back very slightly

          Sit up straight, but not rigid

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            When you start sitting up straight, you will notice how small most people make themselves. You will instantly feel quite tall when sitting at a table. Keep your back straight, but relax as much as possible.

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            Always have some tension in your core

            Your abs, back and general core should never be flaccid/floppy when you stand or sit. Keep your abs and core in general under some tension. Not only does it reflect well upon your posture, but it also makes it easier to move with grace.

            Position your feet at about hip width apart

            The stance of your feet says a lot about you. It’s not an exact science, but putting your feet closer together generally signifies insecurity, whereas a wider stance indicates confidence.

            Both holding your feet too close together and too far apart can reflect badly upon you. Try to aim for a position where your feet are at hip width or slightly wider apart, but not much.

            Section 3: Entering a Room

            Walking into a room

              The moment you enter a room is the moment you expose yourself to the judgement of the people in that room. Make sure to make use of that.

              Some would recommend more extreme techniques like peacocking, but that doesn’t apply to all situations.

              Smile like you are happy to be there

              Regardless of whether you are, smile when you enter a  room. Smile like you really like what you are seeing. Don’t overdo it, don’t laugh out loud. Smile like you stepped outside and noticed the sun was shining.

              Greet the crowd

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                Not explicitly. Don’t shout “HEY!” or draw explicit attention unless these are people who appreciate such behavior. Otherwise take a  moment to stand still or walk slowly while looking at the people in the room.

                • Make eye contact

                Don’t glance over the crowd like it’s an object. Look people in the eye and if anyone holds your gaze smile at them. Make people feel like a positive influence just entered this room.

                • Take your time

                This shows confidence, but also signifies an open attitude.

                Wave to (imaginary) friends

                Humans are hard-wired to like and/or respect people with friends. When you walk into a room and do your usual ‘greet the crowd’ routine, follow it up by waving to your friends and mouthing something along the lines of “I’ll be right there”.

                Here’s the thing, feel free to do this to imaginary friends. I do this all the time at bigger events. Keep in mind that people don’t see 360 degrees. If you wave to an non-existent person behind them they don’t know you are just waving to empty air.

                This has a number of effects:

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                • People assume you know people
                • You have more time to calmly look around
                • You will feel more confident

                The trick here is to do this in full confidence, don’t timidly wave. Wave like your best friend is across the room and you are trying to communicate to them that you’ll be there soon.

                Section 4: the Handshake

                Handshake

                  Use a firm but gentle handshake

                  Men, especially, are sensitive to the way you shake a hand. A weak or ‘dead fish’ handshake will instantly lose you likability points.

                  • Don’t just ‘offer’ your hand, a handshake is teamwork
                  • Use the pressure you would use to grab the stick of a heavy pan
                  • If a  person is offering you a ‘dead fish’ handshake, don’t squeeze too hard

                  Make eye contact as you shake hands

                  Looking away automatically signifies negative things:

                  • You don’t have attention/respect for the other person
                  • You have something to hide

                  Look into someone’s eyes long enough to memorize their eye color. Don’t stare, just observe for a moment.

                  Smile like they made your day

                  When looking into someone’s eyes during the shake, smile as if you saw something in their eyes that makes you happy.

                  Don’t laugh out loud, just smile.

                  Section 5: Positioning

                  Feet positioning

                    How and where you position yourself makes a difference in how you are perceived. Positioning combined with posture is very powerful.

                    Open your stance

                    When you are talking to someone, position your body in such a way that you are open to them. Preferably position yourself in a ‘vulnerable’ way. Don’t cover your chest with your arms, don’t slouch etc. This signifies trust and comfort.

                    Angle yourself towards the person you are speaking to

                    It is a subtle change, but making sure that your body is ‘pointing’ to your conversational partner makes a difference. Angling away can signify fearfulness, insecurity and mistrust.

                    Don’t lean on or against objects

                    Leaning on/against an object (e.g. a wall) signifies passivity and possibly insecurity. Whenever you can stand up with good posture. Using the tips from the posture section, try to develop a comfortable ‘neutral stance’.

                    When you do lean, use posture

                    If you do have to lean against something for whatever reason, keep good posture. Don’t slouch.

                    Section 6: Your Face

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                    Facial expression

                      Your face is an area with a lot of signalling. In fact there is a lot of research into micro expressions people make subconsciously. People project a lot of information without knowing it. You can use your face to signal information about yourself to people.

                      Make your neutral face a happy face

                      Ever heard of ‘resting bitch face syndrome’? Some people claim their face at rest looks annoyed/angry, which makes people perceive them as a social danger. You preferably wouldn’t talk to a person with that kind of an expression on their face.

                      It says nothing about the actual person though. But it does disadvantage them.

                      Make sure that your face at rest (e.g. when you are working on a laptop) looks relaxed, if not happy. An easy trick is to have a look on your face like something is mildly amusing to you.

                      Don’t break eye contact instantly

                      People have a habit of looking away if they meet a person’s eyes. Try not do do this. Keep eye contact, and smile. Often people will look away, though some people will hold your gaze.

                      Doing this has multiple effects:

                      • People perceive you as more open
                      • You will feel more confident

                      Please note that when you hold someone’s gaze, be sure to smile. Looking impassively can be very creepy…

                      How to smile

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                        There is a very simple trick to smiling: imagine you are seeing something you really like.

                        Smiling is not about moving your face in a certain way, it is about feeling a happy feeling and letting your face express it.

                        Read more about how to smile in this Buffer article..

                        Section 7: Techniques and habits

                        Here I cover some things you can do that often involve some measure of interaction with your conversational/communication data.

                        Mirror your posture

                        A powerful technique that has been researched a lot is mirroring. This means people feel more comfortable around you and like you better if you stand the way they do. For example:

                        • They have their arms crossed? Cross your arms
                        • They are leaning on their right leg? Lean on your right leg
                        • Are they holding a drink? Hold a drink

                        The key here is not to be obvious. The moment they notice consciously what you are doing, the technique loses power.

                        Mirror movements

                        As with the above point, you shouldn’t be obvious. But little things can go a long way:

                        • You are having a coffee, they pick up their cup to drink? Do the same
                        • If they smile, smile back (that’s an easy one)
                        • Are they stepping a bit closer to you? Do the same

                        Again, don’t be obvious and don’t be a creep. This technique should be used in an unobtrusive manner, but frequently.

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                        Published on May 4, 2021

                        How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

                        How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

                        They say we are the average of the five persons we spend the most time with. For a minute, consider the people around you. Are they truly who your “tribe” should be or who you aspire to become in the future? Are they really genuine people who want to see you succeed? Or are they fake people who don’t really want to see you happy?

                        In this article, I’ll review why it is important to surround yourself with genuine individuals—the ones who care, bring something to our table, and first and foremost, who leave all fakeness behind.

                        How to Spot Fake People?

                        When you’ve been working in the helping professions for a while, spotting fake people gets a bit easier. There are some very clear signs that the person you are looking at is hiding something, acting somehow, or simply wanting to get somewhere. Most often, there is a secondary gain—perhaps attention, sympathy, or even a promotion.

                        Whatever it is, you’re better off working their true agenda and staying the hell away. Here are some things you should look out for to help spot fake people.

                        1. Full of Themselves

                        Fake people like to show off. They love looking at themselves in the mirror. They collect photos and videos of every single achievement they had and every part of their body and claim to be the “best at what they do.”

                        Most of these people are actually not that good in real life. But they act like they are and ensure that they appear better than the next person. The issue for you is that you may find yourself always feeling “beneath” them and irritated at their constant need to be in the spotlight.

                        2. Murky in Expressing Their Emotions

                        Have you ever tried having a deep and meaningful conversation with a fake person? It’s almost impossible. It’s because they have limited emotional intelligence and don’t know how they truly feel deep down—and partly because they don’t want to have their true emotions exposed, no matter how normal these might be.

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                        It’s much harder to say “I’m the best at what I do” while simultaneously sharing “average” emotions with “equal” people.

                        3. Zero Self-Reflection

                        To grow, we must accept feedback from others. We must be open to our strengths and to our weaknesses. We must accept that we all come in different shapes and can always improve.

                        Self-reflection requires us to think, forgive, admit fault, and learn from our mistakes. But to do that, we have to be able to adopt a level of genuineness and depth that fake people don’t routinely have. A fake person generally never apologizes, but when they do, it is often followed with a “but” in the next breath.

                        4. Unrealistic Perceptions

                        Fake people most often have an unrealistic perception of the world—things that they want to portray to others (pseudo achievements, materialistic gains, or a made-up sense of happiness) or simply how they genuinely regard life outside themselves.

                        A lot of fake people hide pain, shame, and other underlying reasons in their behavior. This could explain why they can’t be authentic and/or have difficulties seeing their environment for the way it objectively is (both good and bad).

                        5. Love Attention

                        As I mentioned earlier, the biggest sign that something isn’t quite right with someone’s behavior can be established by how much they love attention. Are you being interrupted every time you speak by someone who wants to make sure that the spotlight gets reverted back to them? Is the focus always on them, no matter the topic? If yes, you’re probably dealing with a fake person.

                        6. People Pleaser

                        Appreciation feels nice but having everyone like you is even better. While it is completely unrealistic for most people to please everyone all the time, fake people seem to always say yes in pursuit of constant approval.

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                        Now, this is a problem for two reasons. Firstly, these people are simply saying yes to things for their own satisfaction. Secondly, they often end up changing their minds or retracting their offer for one reason or another (“I would have loved to, but my grandmother suddenly fell ill.”), leaving you in the lurch for the 100th time this year.

                        7. Sarcasm and Cynicism

                        Behind the chronic pasted smile, fake people are well known for brewing resentment, jealousy, or anger. This is because, behind the postcard life, they are often unhappy. Sarcasm and cynicism are well known to act as a defense mechanism, sometimes even a diversion—anything so they can remain feeling on top of the world, whether it is through boosting themselves or bringing people down.

                        8. Crappy friend

                        Fake people are bad friends. They don’t listen to you, your feelings, and whatever news you might have to share. In fact, you might find yourself migrating away from them when you have exciting or bad news to share, knowing that it will always end up one way—their way. In addition, you might find that they’re not available when you truly need them or worse, cancel plans at the last minute.

                        It’s not unusual to hear that a fake person talks constantly behind people’s backs. Let’s be honest, if they do it to others, they’re doing it to you too. If your “friend” makes you feel bad constantly, trust me, they’re not achieving their purpose, and they’re simply not a good person to have around.

                        The sooner you learn to spot these fake people, the sooner you can meet meaningful individuals again.

                        How to Cope With Fake People Moving Forward?

                        It is important to remind yourself that you deserve more than what you’re getting. You are worthy, valuable, precious, and just as important as the next person.

                        There are many ways to manage fake people. Here are some tips on how to deal with them.

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                        1. Boundaries

                        Keep your boundaries very clear. As explained in the book Unlock Your Resilience, boundaries are what keep you sane when the world tries to suffocate you. When fake people become emotional vampires, make sure to keep your distances, limit contact, and simply replace them with more valuable interactions.

                        2. Don’t Take Their Behavior Personally

                        Sadly, they most likely have behaved this way before they knew you and will continue much longer after you have moved on. It isn’t about you. It is about their inner need to meet a void that you are not responsible for. And in all honesty, unless you are a trained professional, you are unlikely to improve it anyway.

                        3. Be Upfront and Honest About How You Feel

                        If your “friend” has been hurtful or engaged in behaviors you struggle with, let them know—nicely, firmly, however you want, but let them know that they are affecting you. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, you’ll feel better and when you’re ready to move on, you’ll know you tried to reach out. Your conscience is clear.

                        4. Ask for Advice

                        If you’re unsure about what you’re seeing or feeling, ask for advice. Perhaps a relative, a good friend, or a colleague might have some input as to whether you are overreacting or seeing some genuine concerns.

                        Now, don’t confuse asking for advice with gossiping behind the fake person’s back because, in the end, you don’t want to stoop down to their level. However, a little reminder as to how to stay on your own wellness track can never hurt.

                        5. Dig Deeper

                        Now, this one, I offer with caution. If you are emotionally strong, up to it, guaranteed you won’t get sucked into it, and have the skills to manage, perhaps you could dig into the reasons a fake person is acting the way they do.

                        Have they suffered recent trauma? Have they been rejected all their lives? Is their self-esteem so low that they must resort to making themselves feel good in any way they can? Sometimes, having an understanding of a person’s behavior can help in processing it.

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                        6. Practice Self-Care!

                        Clearly, putting some distance between the fake person and yourself is probably the way to go. However, sometimes, it takes time to get there. In the meantime, make sure to practice self-care, be gentle with yourself, and compensate with lots of positives!

                        Self-care can be as simple as taking a hot shower after talking to them or declining an invitation when you’re not feeling up to the challenge.

                        Spotting fake people isn’t too hard. They generally glow with wanna-be vibes. However, most often, there are reasons as to why they are like this. Calling their behavior might be the first step. Providing them with support might be the second. But if these don’t work, it’s time to stay away and surround yourself with the positivity that you deserve.

                        Final Thoughts

                        Remember that life is a rollercoaster. It has good moments, tough moments, and moments you wouldn’t change for the world. So, look around and make sure that you take the time to choose the right people to share it all with.

                        We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with, so take a good look around and choose wisely!

                        More Tips on Dealing With Fake People

                        Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com

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