Mother’s Day is just around the corner, prompting us to reflect back on parents and parenting.
If I asked you, “What is the main purpose of a parent?” I’d probably get the following responses:
1. To be their child’s guide in life
2. To love their child unconditionally
3. To teach their child good values
4. To protect their child
5. To offer their child support through life
Although all of the above are important and offer a beautiful image of what a loving parent/child relationship can look like, I would like to suggest that the REAL goal of any parent should be to teach their child to become their own parent.
We need a new generation of kids – ones who rely on themselves, who avoid emotional letdowns, who know they have skills and the ability to use them and who lead happy and fulfilled lives without needing to consult their parent (You) forever.
How can we accomplish this? There are some specific ways that I teach, however the most powerful way is to allow our children to make choices based on how each choice makes them feel and how their choice will make others feel.
From as early on as possible, probably starting at around 3-4 years old, teach your child that when they make a choice – any choice at all – they should ask themselves two things:
a. What are the consequences of this choice?
b. Will this choice I’m making now bring happiness to me and/or those around me?
I used to have a very large poster hanging on the wall in my classroom that read: If you make a choice you must be willing to accept the consequence of that choice.
I referred to this poster over and over again and it became one of our class mantras. The children became very conscious when they were about to make a choice and therefore behaviours and classroom dynamics were incredible. In addition to this, children began feeling better about themselves and more confident. Even the students who came in with a “bad kid” legacy changed. They began to see that they were in control of their lives, that they had a choice and that good choices led to positive outcomes for themselves and the others around them.
When teaching your child how to consciously make a good choice, state the choices then say,
“Think about the choice you are about to make. How does your body FEEL inside? Is it one of comfort or discomfort?”
I tell children that most people feel these sensations in their heart/chest area or in their stomach. Making this a concrete/feeling experience is the perfect way to help kids understand the concept as well as get them to connect to their inner voice more often.
Train them to say to themselves, “If I make this choice, what happens?” If their body sends a message of comfort, that’s the right choice. If their body sends a message of discomfort, then it’s probably not the appropriate choice.
Kids really tune into this and it makes sense to them when you put it this way. The added benefit of this is that you’re teaching your child to stop and tune into themselves – what an invaluable and forever giving gift you’ll be giving!
Great article! We are teaching our son about making good choices and to think about the consequences of his actions. Its not always an easy lesson to teach or for him to learn, but its worth it. We won’t always be there to guide him and you are absolutely correct that we need to help them become self sufficient and capable people.
This piece really made me think, Erin. It’s interesting that there are certain things I teach my daughter without knowing they came from my parents. It’s just ingrained. I suppose it’s all about keeping that chain going through each generation.
Very good. I’ve always summed up my purpose in parenting as making sure that my son becomes a quality human being.
Having instincts for correct actions and making conscious decisions based on those instincts isn’t a bad definition of a quality human being.
Wait, so…if a decision feels good or makes them happy, then that’s the correct decision? What about hard decisions, or altruistic decisions, or delayed gratification? Not every good decision I’ve made has made me feel warm fuzzies inside. The best lessons were sometimes learned from doing hard, unpleasant things that I knew would be good FOR me but which I wouldn’t have done if I was solely basing my decision off of whether or not I felt good. Likewise, being right isn’t always comfortable and having the moral high ground often means that you don’t get what you want. Not to mention that any kid that’s risk-averse will have a hard time getting over that if they only go by what makes them feel good. Where’s the growth?
It’s fine to encourage kids to go with their gut if they already have a good moral grounding, but without that, isn’t it more likely that their good feelings will be based on pure selfishness? Doing the right thing for you and the rest of the world isn’t always comfortable.
to make sure your kids and wife have a great life.
steroids blog
I have to agree with RJCerio – doing what makes you & those around you happy inside is not a way to raise children. Hmm, “should I eat candy or veggies?” Candy makes me happy inside. “All my gang friends would be happy if I robbed this store with them, so that’ll make us all happy.” You are assuming that a child has a good moral/ethical base to draw from, as well as the knowledge/information to discern what is best for them.
Personally, I think it is this whole “do what makes you happy” parenting that is responsible for many of the woes of our current society. Children need to be taught to do what is right, regardless of how it makes them feel. And doing the right thing is not always a feel good thing!
As my thinking says “Give your kids the choices and the consequences, but also make them understand which choice is good and which choice is bad, as younger children do not know the line between the two. But, Yes,, giving choices or options will put them into thinking and its good for their development.
Good article.
This is the best course I have ever attended, which teach kids about “how to live as young people” in most effective way?
http://www.landmarkeducation.com/landmark_forum_for_young_people.jsp
The choice are never right and wrong. Its just a choice made at that moment – whatever sounded to you appropriate. You give a label of right/wrong much later, when you have luxury of evaluating the outcome of your choice. While making the choice there is no guarantee of its future outcome. Its a paradox.
Watch out for that ‘Landmark Forum’ stuff, even that comment is ridiculous. I guarantee you pain if you make the decision to jump off a 20 story balcony, I assume a painful decision can be labelled as a wrong decision – lol paradox!